This is a text I wrote this morning. I kept it because I thought I'd forget the thoughts I was having and the feelings at the time.
"Feeling distant from everyone as wrking full time and not as much me time. Know I will adjust but right now feeling lonely. Don't have all the connectivity of having local friends, work, meetings. This disconnected lifestyle is a pattern I always had until I settled with Simon or indeed each relationship with a man of the time and I would gradually feel shackled by it too but always had my mum as a secure base. Feels frightening. Will my friends be secure bases despite the locational distance and time delay between contact and that worthlessness and insecurity is a part of the relationship addiction behaviour. See some patterns of behaviour and some understanding of the motives and feel lonely, sad, frightened, insecure, relief from enlightenment, vulnerable, needy. Feel like a small child, trying to be a grown up and flitting between arrogance and worthlessness whilst trying to find me without losing me - selling my soul to the addict! Just needed to share."
Basically I noticed a pattern that tonight as I am so tired seems completely irrelevant. However the fear that friends will give up on me because I am not on their case all the time is real. When I meet with A it's good, I enjoy her company and we talk at a very honest and emotional level. However, we rarely speak between gatherings and I don't feel as close to her as I feel to E or M. But then I speak with them at least or nearly every day. With the email contact I have, I only feel like there's a real connection when there's very regular contact. It's so ducking needy I am realising. And I despise it when I get emails from those people that I sens a real neediness. Ugh people maybe despise hearing from me, especially if they are avoidants.
This evening I am
