I have a strong feeling that PD is acting childishly and spitefully in his insecurity. Now, in general, I find PD to be a generous and kind man with people. He has been generous with me and supportive too. So, it is with this background knowledge through experience that I then doubt what I think I am experiencing now. What am I experiencing now? Well in recent weeks he has blamed me for his insecurity, this is in our field of work. And he has told me to slow down. This is a ridiculous thing to ask of me from my point of view. I am studying and practicing to improve and here is someone telling me not to develop myself because it affects them. It went around and around last time we had clinical supervision and thankfully it was witnessed so that I realised I was not mad. There was no situation for PD other than me not to be me. That cannot happen anymore. And then his other solutions were not possible by his own admission leaving us in a nowhere to go hole!
And now he's taken lectures and workshops off the schedule. He was previously saying that he is feeling left behind on these too. I was so excited about having created them on topics he'd already created his own. I am not a leader of design, I can simply take an idea and make it work for me, adjust it to my way of presenting things. And then in his insecurity he lashes out and punishes by removing it from the curriculum.
Yet he says publicly that I'm the boss and what I say goes. It is so the opposite. Only when he asks does he even take the slightest bit of notice. It's better than it used to be because he does ask. We do things differently, so I try not to be hyper0critical because it's not the way I do things. Instead I try to see the point he is making and whether it does the job according to him. It's not easy though.
I compare myself though and come out as believing I am more self-aware than PD and this always, always precedes a mighty fall! Of the sort than can devastate me. My confidence gets knocked. So, I am attempting to not compare with him and instead be pleased with my increasing self-awareness. Keep the focus on me and what I am or am not doing. I can be super critical of self or super egotistical. The flip side of the same coin.
My part has involved thinking better of myself than PD and feeling critical, which I'm pretty certain he will have picked up on even if it's not clearly evident. I can sense that criticism in others even when it's said with a smile. We are intuitive people, all of us. And listing to those intuitions is important but just as important is what we do with them. I know in my addiction the intuition within me got all muddled up. But now and with time it is becoming more of a guidance. Not that "I KNOW", but there are little signs that I pick up on and need to take heed of and explore.
Mt fear is what holds me back from exploring my intuition. I know that something is going on with PD now. He is trying to tell me something but I'm not sure what it is. I hear his insecurity and he seems to be attempting to say something but not directly. He seems to be less blaming on the outside but looking for absolutes to explain his behaviour and attitude.
Another thing I have noticed increasingly, is that I react badly to someone telling me how I feel. There is one person, S, in FA who often says you sound angry. I think there is some projection or something going on there. But also I wonder what it is about me that leads her to make this assumption? Yesterday PD said I looked perky. It feels manipulative, as if that's how he wants me to be feeling so if he says it I will be. He couldn't have been further from the truth either. I had been really anti being at work yesterday, feeling tired and really not wanting to engage with him much, drained by what feels like pure stress and heightened control. That's my judgment of things and all I can do is assess how I am rather than pointing fingers at him. So within the situation I noticed I ma less tolerant and really quite critical. I am exhausted and just didn't want to have to deal with it all. This suggests to me I am trying to hard, maybe not setting boundaries and to be honest I am unsure as to what the boundaries are that I need to set.
I became conscious that I often felt manipulated by my dad. He would say and do things in a similar way, telling me how I need to think or what I should say, but not with needs and should, rather telling me that was what I was thinking or about to say. It would cause a reaction then too. I would get infuriated and actually I would explode in one way or another. I would either explode at him trying to break free from what felt like shackles that he put me in. Or I'd break free out of view. I have a strong image of leaving the house, mum and dad's house, driving to the chemist, buying a supply of laxatives and a bottle of diet coke, taking them in the car and then zooming off to London to party in someway with some man or other. Of course, I'd have lied to them saying I needed to get off home now, pleading with good sense, i.e. weather or traffic or an early night before work, when in fact usually my dad would be despairing because I rarely did the sensible thing. They surely would have known too that they were being conned!!
Now with PD I need to discover a way of handling these assumptions he makes without being obstreperous and immediately fighting with the absolute opposite. It doesn't feel good as I become extreme and if he's putting the positive slant then I put the absolute darkest negative, which I hasten t add is an exaggerated version to make my point and regain power of myself. I would like to say something like "oh really, what makes you think that?" But what I really want to get to is what it is he's trying to manipulate and why. How can I find out God what's really going on?
Maybe I can say simply that - you seem to be telling me how you think I am.... nah! Sounds too much like a therapist talking. I need some guidance please God.
I am rather drained and worn down by the interactions. Most of the time now I am aware of his high stress levels and tolerate as a practice. I keep my mouth closed often because to be honest there isn't much to say and anything I could say might be antagonistic in the moment.
I do feel that PD is much more directive with people yet he doesn't think he is. He says he is reflective. It's as if he's changed the meaning of that word to suit what he does rather than change what he does. And it's all well and good observing him in this way but who's observing me without criticism. LK just saw me as a bad practioner and no doubt used my leaving as a great way to tarnish my name amongst those who would listen. And here she is on unexpected annual leave. Due back from a holiday I wonder what will happen next. I wonder if we will know.
I do not think I am all good but I am also no longer dwelling in feeling all bad or high ego. I am open to valued criticism but thgere are some folk who's opinion I value more than others because they see tings without judgment. This is useful lessons
And now he's taken lectures and workshops off the schedule. He was previously saying that he is feeling left behind on these too. I was so excited about having created them on topics he'd already created his own. I am not a leader of design, I can simply take an idea and make it work for me, adjust it to my way of presenting things. And then in his insecurity he lashes out and punishes by removing it from the curriculum.
Yet he says publicly that I'm the boss and what I say goes. It is so the opposite. Only when he asks does he even take the slightest bit of notice. It's better than it used to be because he does ask. We do things differently, so I try not to be hyper0critical because it's not the way I do things. Instead I try to see the point he is making and whether it does the job according to him. It's not easy though.
I compare myself though and come out as believing I am more self-aware than PD and this always, always precedes a mighty fall! Of the sort than can devastate me. My confidence gets knocked. So, I am attempting to not compare with him and instead be pleased with my increasing self-awareness. Keep the focus on me and what I am or am not doing. I can be super critical of self or super egotistical. The flip side of the same coin.
My part has involved thinking better of myself than PD and feeling critical, which I'm pretty certain he will have picked up on even if it's not clearly evident. I can sense that criticism in others even when it's said with a smile. We are intuitive people, all of us. And listing to those intuitions is important but just as important is what we do with them. I know in my addiction the intuition within me got all muddled up. But now and with time it is becoming more of a guidance. Not that "I KNOW", but there are little signs that I pick up on and need to take heed of and explore.
Mt fear is what holds me back from exploring my intuition. I know that something is going on with PD now. He is trying to tell me something but I'm not sure what it is. I hear his insecurity and he seems to be attempting to say something but not directly. He seems to be less blaming on the outside but looking for absolutes to explain his behaviour and attitude.
Another thing I have noticed increasingly, is that I react badly to someone telling me how I feel. There is one person, S, in FA who often says you sound angry. I think there is some projection or something going on there. But also I wonder what it is about me that leads her to make this assumption? Yesterday PD said I looked perky. It feels manipulative, as if that's how he wants me to be feeling so if he says it I will be. He couldn't have been further from the truth either. I had been really anti being at work yesterday, feeling tired and really not wanting to engage with him much, drained by what feels like pure stress and heightened control. That's my judgment of things and all I can do is assess how I am rather than pointing fingers at him. So within the situation I noticed I ma less tolerant and really quite critical. I am exhausted and just didn't want to have to deal with it all. This suggests to me I am trying to hard, maybe not setting boundaries and to be honest I am unsure as to what the boundaries are that I need to set.
I became conscious that I often felt manipulated by my dad. He would say and do things in a similar way, telling me how I need to think or what I should say, but not with needs and should, rather telling me that was what I was thinking or about to say. It would cause a reaction then too. I would get infuriated and actually I would explode in one way or another. I would either explode at him trying to break free from what felt like shackles that he put me in. Or I'd break free out of view. I have a strong image of leaving the house, mum and dad's house, driving to the chemist, buying a supply of laxatives and a bottle of diet coke, taking them in the car and then zooming off to London to party in someway with some man or other. Of course, I'd have lied to them saying I needed to get off home now, pleading with good sense, i.e. weather or traffic or an early night before work, when in fact usually my dad would be despairing because I rarely did the sensible thing. They surely would have known too that they were being conned!!
Now with PD I need to discover a way of handling these assumptions he makes without being obstreperous and immediately fighting with the absolute opposite. It doesn't feel good as I become extreme and if he's putting the positive slant then I put the absolute darkest negative, which I hasten t add is an exaggerated version to make my point and regain power of myself. I would like to say something like "oh really, what makes you think that?" But what I really want to get to is what it is he's trying to manipulate and why. How can I find out God what's really going on?
Maybe I can say simply that - you seem to be telling me how you think I am.... nah! Sounds too much like a therapist talking. I need some guidance please God.
I am rather drained and worn down by the interactions. Most of the time now I am aware of his high stress levels and tolerate as a practice. I keep my mouth closed often because to be honest there isn't much to say and anything I could say might be antagonistic in the moment.
I do feel that PD is much more directive with people yet he doesn't think he is. He says he is reflective. It's as if he's changed the meaning of that word to suit what he does rather than change what he does. And it's all well and good observing him in this way but who's observing me without criticism. LK just saw me as a bad practioner and no doubt used my leaving as a great way to tarnish my name amongst those who would listen. And here she is on unexpected annual leave. Due back from a holiday I wonder what will happen next. I wonder if we will know.
I do not think I am all good but I am also no longer dwelling in feeling all bad or high ego. I am open to valued criticism but thgere are some folk who's opinion I value more than others because they see tings without judgment. This is useful lessons
