Brancusi - the end of a beautiful friendship.
I have had a realisation as I was pointing my finger in my thoughts. My thoughts were based around the fears I am feeling as a friend feels distant. She is very busy, but also talking a lot of unhealthy talk around drinking etc. What this raises is a fear of losing her and her friendship. I value her so much. With her I feel relaxed and can be myself. That is rare, just a handful of friendships that I feel that comfortable. Now I know that is my own issues and if I were truly at ease with myself I would not feel stresses with anyone. But I really would defy the everyday person who says that there is no one that raises tensions. Interaction with different people brings different things.
Anyway my thinking was intensified with her as she has been invited to go away on what seems like an exciting and exotic holiday with a friend of hers. I felt a little jealous as I would like to have the freedom to travel. I truly miss that. I have travelled extensively and ever since leaving the industry I feel as if my wings have been clipped.
Anyhow she has also been talking about not wanting to take up the invite as she is uncertain of her staying clean. Although actually in the last half hour or so she is saying things that are more reassuring on that front. But what I was realising is that I am feeling less trust in the friendship. By that I mean that I feel afraid that she will be moving away from me in preference for "using".
I was just writing to her, and realised not to send the text. I started off by saying I wonder if you have ever felt this? And was going onto say how I am feeling a degree of fear that she is detaching from me and moving away. When suddenly I realised that this is what I do and did when I was with JH. I have done it in all my relationships. I detach from my friendships. Now I know that there is a certain degree of moving away from people as a relationship is new. But my friend was constantly saying that I was less and less available and more and more secretive.
I feel very sorry and sad about that now. If I was more balanced then I would maintain the friendships that I truly value. I know that some of this is down to my insecurities in the relationships. My thinking that I have to be totally available and dedicated. Now that is surely an indication that something is amiss in the first place. Like I said to JH, I sensed through the way things were that it wasn't secure. With SH it was different, he was trustworthy regarding other women, but he was angry and possessive and so I didn't feel able to do my own things. I was scared of his anger and the retribution. Not that he would be violent. Just an inbuilt fear of anger. And so if I look back at each relationship, I gave up my own life for one reason or another because of fear of losing the relationships. They became my Higher Power. I am not blaming anyone in this, just very very sad that is how it's been.
My incredible sense of worthlessness and being unlovable and with that a terror of abandonment. I can see where it was borne despite my mum loving me so so much. She was there in one sense and so absent in other ways. My dad though was unpredictable. I think he treasured the little girl I was but anything out of order for him and he rejected me in various subtle ways and at other times not subtle. I was never enough and that's how I feel now.
Of course with the awareness that's improving and changing, but it's a very core belief.
It leaves me feeling sad and grieving.
And so what I need to do is make an amends to my friend. To say that I can hear what she has been saying now and am getting a clearer view of things. I am not sure yet how it will change but I really want it to. I do not want to continue the way things have been. I want it to be a proper amends but hope that I will be more alert to myself and try not to go down the destructive behaviour routes in the future. I really want to change. And I want her to know how much I value her friendship. I am not changing because of her, but hope that one of the things that will emerge from changes I so want will be that the fullness of what the friendship means to me will be better realised. I don't know if this will make sense to her. I hope so. It's not fully formulated in my mind what it is I need to say. So perhaps I should not say it until it is really clear as this is very important to me.
What is wonderful is that I am getting clearer and clearer insight.
I so do not want to use - the feelings and thinking are very strong and in recent past have driven behaviours that certainly suppress.
I feel an immense sense of relief that I am getting some clarity and permitting myself to let out some of the emotions that I have been stifling. I feel gratitude that I have been given opportunities to explore and despite acting out I have not given up on looking and exploring myself entirely. It is exhausting and frightening too when things are not immediately obvious.
It's a relief to be getting the awareness as I have already stated. And it's enabling me to challenge the desires to act out - i.e. I keep wanting to make contact with JH. Partly I know that friendliness is possible but right now I am not sure that s the only thing driving the desire. I want him to want me and I know that he cannot. So I will be hurt and disappointed all over again. That would take away from my own feelings that I am trying to work on and get some healing. I see the way it works I think just a little clearer anyway. And similarly with food. I think I am hungry but actually I know I have eaten sufficient - and so it will be feelings of anger I want to eat away. Eating and smoking are such anger suppressants. I have thought of anger as one type of expression - but it gets expressed in so many various ways. Subtle and yet destructive nonetheless.
I can allow myself to feel it without shame and disgust this morning. Whereas I know if I were to talk about this anger and rage with JH I would feel that I was wrong and bad, as that is what I received from him. It is wrong and bad to be angry. I may be wrong about that but I certainly picked that up from him along the days. Again this is not about blaming. This is for me viewing things and realising how ashamed of my anger I have been to be able to pick that up so sensitively. I also have in the past thought it wrong and bad to be angry. I don't like it when friends are angry with me - i get defensive. I see this in myself. Not at a finger point at JH or anyone else. I see how uncomfortable I am with anger as I always think it's my fault that someone is angry. Because I suppose I feel angry to such an extent and my dad is involved in that. If he hadn't done what he did then a lot would be so very different. If he was different I could have been different. That needs some reconciliation somehow.
Reading from Homer, Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema, 1885
There is freedom by learning about self and being able to put things to rest but does require constantly working on self. What I hope for is the reprieve when I can relax again and enjoy living. Since all things started getting difficult with JH, it has been less about enjoying life and having fun - but pain and despair and then having to take a serious and hard look inwards.
Anyone reading this - I hope you realise that it is not about JH but that was the most recent mobilising event. And I can look back and see how it has played out time after time.
In there somewhere as well is the normality of meeting and liking a man, the disappoint of discovering actually we are not fully compatible and the sadness of having to separate. I know that is all normal and not to be forgotten. But there was also a huge trigger into re-traumatising. And not everyone has that or realises they do. This is for me to not continue to do.
Eroticising sex, meaning I have sex before really establishing the relationship. Confusing sex then with the emotions that ensue, having given entirely of myself. That's why it seemed easier to be a slave. Knowing he would have no real partnership love for me made it easy just to give and give and give and my reward to be through sexual relief and pleasure. Also thinking that he would be getting his pleasures through me somehow but not understanding what that was. I guess there was a similarity with being a lady of the night. It's all so messy and still a lot to shuffle through. I need more help from SC and remain abstinent. I can see it so clearly right now!
Bliss
XX
ps. studying now until lunchtime. No contact with JC - finishing that here and now. LP will be minimal anyway and is via the rooms really so very different. I need complete and utter abstinence.
This is not about JH but it was recent and still showing me so much what has occured.
