Reflections on DSE232

Well to begin with it seems overwhelming - this term VLE.I was expecting some specific piece of software and gradually through systematically reading trather than panic erratic reading, I'm realising this is an accumulation of skills in using technology.
So reading the instructions and following them is calming me down.
I do find the navigation and where to find relevant materials online a little daunting and I guess takes time to get used locations. I have experience of getting acclimatised in the past and this feeling of uncertainty always passes with practice.
I do tend to try and work it out by myself first and then ask when I get "stressed"but get a little daunted and the afraid that I will appear stupid and publicly because of the forum style questions.
I am getting over myself though and instead asking anyway.
It was interesting attempting to explain to a friend what I am studying. I had read the introduction but it had not sunk in what I am really studying and so thinking about what I am learning about what is normal forst all and how tat can be applied in say occupational psychology. What do I think now that I have reviewed what occupational psychology actually is. It is concerned with issues in the workplace including the perfomrance of people in the workplace.
So with regard to dyslexia for example I imagine that an occupational psychologist would be assessing what difficulties are arising for the individual and assess what is needed to support them. Perhaps the role is wrong for them? Wouldn't this be setting a prejudice in place?
And stress of course is a big concern for occupational psychologists in the work place. The employer in both circuymstances ie stress and dyslexia is expecting the very best possible performance and why should they make allowances for the individual? They are surely duty bound but are they according to employment law. So an occupational pscyhologist is probably required to know a little about emploment law. Everyone can cope with different levels of stress and this can vary too in the individual according to what else is going on thier lives.
Interesting musing these points already.
But then what will be learning about clinical, forensic and educational psychology and dyslexia and stress.
Understanding what they are is one thing - applying the different persepctives of applied psychology is what we are going to learn. Interesting.

This is now 2013 and that is another course I had to give up on. Bugger!!

Bliss
 

Decisions decisions

Is it me?
So this morning G knew that I was studying. He had already said that he would be dragging his heels before leaving and made comment about what time would I be intending on kicking him out? It's as if he's made a victim in all of this. Writing this I feel furious. It's a culmination of things really. He comes here and just stays and stays. He is welcome to feel at home but also he takes extreme liberties. He asks if he can stay as if he's a victim. Then when he's here he just makes things dirty and doesn't clear up after himself. He offered to wash up when I was about to start doing it and got quite cross when I said I would do it. I said then that I needed it done before 12:30. IUt stillw asn;t done so I started doing it. He was cross again and I said I needed it sone so would rather do it. Angrily he said "do it then!" as if I was in the wrong. Was I? I didn;t expect him to do it. It would have been nice if he had and even bothered to do it from time to time. He moans about making me cups of tea all the time but it's the only f....ing thing he does do. He worked out where we were going to walk but couldn;t drive us there because he didn;t have much petrol.
Then there's his situation ith D. He says they are just good mates. However, he acknowledged that she does come onto him especially when drunk. He gets cross when I ask questions and it seems to me he is angry coz the reality is exposed. He talks about it as if it's all okay. I doubt very much whether it would be all okay if it were the other way around. I do not expect nor want him to change things because I don't like it. On the contrary. If he was to alter the situation it would need to be because he wanted to. But as it is I don'tlike it. D wants him to stay this coming weekend when her husband is away. I said I do not feel at all comfortable with that and niether does he. But because I am a secret once again he would have to make up llies to explain why he can't stay. This isn't okay in my book. The entire situation is not respectful to me I don't think. Now he could probably swing that aroundsaying that I don't want to stop mny studying and our time is limited. There is some validity in that. It does interfere with social life. But it isn't in the secret. I don't have to lie to anyone including him about it. I am tied for time and want to put some effort where I haven't been until now.
I do make time for him. It's difficult for me to see the difference but it feels different.
This morning I said I didn;t have time to help him with his phone issues. Yet again he tries to talk whilst I am studying - and I have fiully informed him of my commitment. So when I asked him for help, which I might add he said he would help over the weekend, he said no he didn;t have time right now. I know it was a tit for tat, retaliation. Again no doubt feeling rejection or something. The f...ing victim yet again. Well his reponses are really quite nasty. And then he got agry and things were thrown around. His f...ing phone. When things don't work out for G he just gets really outrageoulsy angry. This behaviour truly is not nice. I get angry. I get raging. I am attempting to manage my behaviour better and remain dignified and also be respectful and conscious of other people. I wasn't in the past. So G is where he is but again it's whether I want to tolerate it or not.
Is it worth it? Is he thoughtfuol enough and interesting enough and nice enough? He is likeable, funny, intelligent, bright and so on. He has some spiritual path. But there are behaviours and attitudes that really are not acceptable to me. I wish he were just a friend and then there wouldn;t be all the nastiness which I believe will ensue if I do decide to end it. Even if he decided to end it I don't think he could be amicable. And surely that tells me a lot!!
What am I doing and why am I deliberating? Because I don't want to lose the things in him I do enjoy. Yesterday walking and him showing me places to see the cowslips. They were in abundance and there was A and I seeking them out last year as if they were a rarity. And all the names of things he just knows. I makes it so interesting to walk. The trees, the birds, the wild flowers. Wow how it's opened me up to even more beuaty that surrounds us. We walked through private land and he had worked it out on the maps. That's fantastic.
I have his maps downloaded. Can I retain those if I don't have his sign on. And some of them I have paid for too. Oh well let go of the money. Yet again I come out worse off financially. I leant him £240 for tyres which I still haven't received back when he assured me I would get it back. We'll see if he does when he recieves his back pay. Somehow I doubt I will see it ever again. I did remind him again recently.

Photos fromm yesterday.

 Field of cowslips

 Cuckoo Flower

 Leaf of Common Spotted Orchid

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 

 Forget-me-not

 Forget-me-not

 Mayflower?

 

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 

 Lords and Ladies leaf

 Natures Sculpture

 

 Holly - oh la la!

 Clock Tower (not too clear)

 Trespassing on private woods. I want my own!

 The navigator!

 Wood Spurge

Bliss
XX

Crumbs such as a Smile

With regard to the treatment centre job offer in Thailand, The timing isn't good for this kind if a move. I'm not unhappy where I am in anything just not terribly satisfied. More gratitude less wanting. Reading the big book this morning which I'm advised to read a couple if paragraphs chosen at random on a regular basis, I was reading about sex conduct - liked your link between accepting first smile from a man and similarly job. I did do that with G. Never think men will find me attractive so when one does I'm so shocked and flattered. Anyhow that's by the by. As I was reading it flirted through my mind how boring a person I'll be if I live by my principles. Used to think the same about drinking and drugging and even jobs and EVERYTHING - if I live as I believe then I WILL be boring. I worked hard at crossing my principles and the rules. I constantly have felt guilty and have been waiting to get caught. Funny thing is its me who caught me and I imploded. In fact drinking and drugging just relaxed my internal disciplinarian do that I could break my internal measure - and overcome my reservedness. It's not new information but sometimes it shines obvious and it's good to share it rather than just let these thoughts come and go. So the naughty, addictive, hedonistic me suddenly rose up. I thought "bloody hell, it will be boring not to toy with men from time to time." It's so insidious how this restless element to me manifests. I am glad of the awareness as in that moment I could also bring in the part if me that does want to be respectful, not give any cause to writes jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. I can live by the way I believe in and feel at ease with. There have even been times when I've forced encounters as a way of dealing with my own jealousy, suspicions and bitterness. Retaliation. And of course those feelings can be self induced, not based in any reality other than my own insecurity. I've made it all do complex and if course it became more and more complicated as the years went by. The escalation. Of course things are much simpler and less damaging when I started out. And then the line into compulsiveness was crossed at some point. I knew no other way at that point. But it's all fallen in and I'm very grateful I can be redirected. Not pure of thought but at least I'm making wiser choices. Just really wanted to externalise a moment of my thoughts. Thanks for reading this. All triggered by page 69-72. And not wanting to be driven by my self-centredness or what was a blinded desperate bid for survival in other words. Wanting to be guided by a more inner sense of decency - listen to my instincts more, and be mindful of others - gradually gradually waking up.

Bliss

Orange Saturday Evening

So I've been to Uni. It was such an interesting lecture on problem solving. Could I study this afternoon? No!
G is due to visit and stay. But dog sitting for D he has been delayed. I can't say I'm that bothered really. It's more evidence that this isn't really for me. I still am not sure.
Watching Homeland I was attracted to one of the actors and the good looks seemed to be a trigger to wanting to contact LW. I didn't, haven't and don't really want to.
I've noticed for maybe a couple of years that when reaching for something with my left hand I don't always coordinate correctly. Also at times my left hand feels odd, not quite attached.
When I was young there were times when my hand would completely lose strength. It used to create a sensation in me that was totally frustrating, niggling.
The other night when I couldn't sleep there were a couple if occasions when there was a kind of electric energy in my head. It was as if there was a buzzzzzz in my head and a sensation of a sort of vibration with that. I haven't told anyone because it always turns out to be nothing / examinations of various diets brain scans and so on.
I don't think I'll live to old bones. I don't want to live to old bones!

What a beautiful sunny day. And an orange sunset.
Lovely.

Bliss xx

For a long marriage don't divorce!

The secret to a long marriage, according to Olivia Harrison wife of George Harrison, is not to divorce. This means working through things. For me this means standing up for myself, being decent, honest, respectful, honourable and being ME. I need to say to G that I'm really looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. And if he's free to stay over Sunday then I'd really like that. Monday I'm off work to study so would need Monday to actually study. And then in the afternoon I'm meeting Miranda for a walk and a cuppa. I just don't want him staying during the day and that night too.
It's hard to be firm about this. What's the light-hearted way to say that? I don't want to hurt him and yet need to take care of myself as well.

I'm sitting here, sunny afternoon, and there's the sound of a lawn mower. I have always LOATHED that sound. And I've just pieced it together. The feel I get from it is the similar balmy feel to the weather, me indoors, upstairs alone and something has happened. In the meantime my dad has just got on with "normal" things as if nothing has happened at all. Noone knows how lonely I am and doesn't seem to care. Am I making this up? Or is it real. The LOATHING is very strong and the feel on loneliness and isolation is too. I want to believe it but can never be sure of myself. Perhaps I'm a pathological liar as I think my dad was. Am I?

God show me please.
Actually I don;t feel dramatic or traumatised by this connection, real or not. In the past it would have been a dramatic reaction; panic attacks, tears, frozen and needy. Not today. It's just a sort of "oh is that what is is?"
Yet again I'm not reading. I need to read just the discussion bits - a walk with Loobs and then an hour of reading. An hour walk takes me to 16:00 and hour reading to 17:00. And G reckons he'll be arriving early evening.
I am not sure he's visiting to be with me or to avoid being at "the pit" or more widely known as his flat. I want to say that I'm looking forward to his visit and stay tonight. I'd prefer it if her went home tomorrow whilst I'm out in London and then if he'd like to come and stay again Sunday evening then that would be nice. BUT he will need to leave Monday am as I want to start studying in earnest. I an no longer mess around as I'm getting so far behind.
How on earth do I say that so that I'm taking him into consideration as well. You see I'm assuming that he'll do what he's done in the past and stay tonight expecting to stay tomorrow.
However I texted already asking him what he'd like to do. Bugger. I was easy going about these things but realise he takes it beyond my easy going point and I haven't said anything. So clawing back the boundaries is very difficult. However, I want to do it for myself.
Right a walk up the hill.

Oh did I mention that I got the courage to speak to my sponsor about not being comfortable with weight increase and wanting to take some food out. She removed 1oz of oats with my breakfast. She asked how I felt about it and I felt happy. She is considering the anorexic in me which I am grateful about. This happened a few days ago. I said I'd also like to reduce the oil at some time. If I could maintain 120 lbs I'd be at my optimum happiness with my size and weight. She thinks it's too low. I don't want to be less but I am not feeling size-wise comfy at 125 +.

Right the walk

Bliss
XX
 

Standing on the shoulders of giants

It's funny because I see in me the ways I do what I do in addiction as the same thing as you do in avoidance. I'm not saying it IS the same just I recognise similarities in the underlying Issues. And I also see how easily I could go into avoidancy. It's not the first time I've recognised it but I don't think I've ever talked about it with you. In particular as I started acting out with Leslie - god I'm so tired of the behaviours. Thank goodness. For so many years now the addictive behaviours and codependency are shown clearly to me yet I'm so good at wanting what I want so denying the situations and consequences. How many times do I want to get burnt. It's not the men - I create abuse. It's a horrid default. And I want to step away from the defect. My gosh I get a lot of practice. Phew! Thank goodness for practice but good support to keep pulling through so far.
I started writig this to my friend M. But reflected on it and decided not to. It didn't feel appropriate. When we met on Saturday it could have been appropriate then and to have live examples of the way I spot the similarities. M always adds that she is avoidant and can be addictive too in her relating with people.
I am mainly addicted in relationships but can see how I become avoidant in some ways and could easily switch to avoidancy in a more obvious way.
Fundamentally addictive or avoidant, the missing ingredient is intimacy. And INTO ME U SEE intimacy involves being transparent and that means being pure or being able to share the things that are embarrassing and bring on feelings of shame too. Either stop those behaviours and attitudes that bring that on or stand up and being counted for them.
M was talking about not being sure about this guy D so tending not to answer calls or meet up. I am not sure about G a lot of the time but instead of avoiding I am in addiction, he's here all the time, I tolerate behaviours and situations that actually I am not happy with.
Whereas M can  put down boundaries that are inflexible, I put down boundaries that are either so flimsy that there is no resistance at all or there are no boundaries.

Today I stood up for myself. I didn't want him to stay another night. And in the clumsiest way possible I said so. It was horrid being then on the receiving end of his reaction although he has been decent about it really. There was awkward silence and a very frosty "right, I'm off then". I asked when we might speak to each other again. And he said "when we speak to each other". There is no commitment from G. He said yesterday there is no contract between us but there is little of a commitment in any sense. He says he doesn't look at other women not because of his commitment to me but because he doesn't do that sort of thing because of his insecurities. That's not acceptable to me. It's true and I appreciate the truth. I am seeing what happens but I store that sort of information. Then there is his friendship with D. I am not happy with him texting all the time he's with me or visiting there and coming back here. Mainly I think he's here because he doesn't want to be at his home, named the pit or he's not permitted to stay at D's house, named the castle.
I am not saying I want him to change per se. Of course I'd like things to be different but what I am saying these are things that actually I am questioning about whether I want in my relationship with someone. I don't like his gossipping. I don't like how he is so critical about the work that I do as if he knows best. He knows a lot but if his word isn't taken then he gets angry and actually points out how closed I am to ideas. I can agree with that to some extent. But pot calling kettle black infuriates me.
And also when things are not going well there he is angry and moody. That's okay as such but it falls out regularly on me. He is ultra sensitive. He is restless all too easily and does nothing about that.
I am sitting here saying all these things with a bit of a whinge. But it's me that's not comfortable with the situation. I am not blaming him and I don't want him to change at all. All I am doing is looking at things how I perceive them and assessing what is okay by me or not. There are wonderful things about that I love deeply. I love walking with him and the freshness of seeing things and hearing things. I lobe the way he cares about people and there is a detail in his caring. I love his brightness, his humour and his intelligence. He has a stored for information and applies it well. I love sex with him. There is the possibility to try and have sexual intimacy but it goes quickly when all the other things kick in. I love the way he practices at enlightenment and his enthusiasm for some things is incredible. As incredible as that is, he can be dispassionate about things too and that is frustrating to watch. He is not happy otherwise I would say crack on.
He is irresponsible with money too but so am I and so that doesn't trouble me so much as it did when all the dust was in the air after my dad's will. I was expecting to be comfortable and was terribly discontented with everything when that was not the case. And G wasn't a help more of a drain financially.

So that's how it is with G. And the addictive process? Well having several times shown him the portal or he's taken the portal and then just slipping back into the same situation is just doing the same old thing and expecting different results. Addictive. Tolerating behaviours that actually create resentments in addictive behaviour. Being needy is addictive behaviour. Not taking responsibility for myself, i.e, being accountable and saying what I do and don't like is addictive behaviour. Not being able to set boundaries such as making calls to friends and FA folk is addictive behaviour. Getting involved once again in cyber-sex when I could actually see it happening in front of my eyes is addictive behaviour. And I do feel incredibly awful about that and glad that I could put a stop to it there and then regardless of what LW was about to start thinking of me. The packaging was rather gorgeous though. Anyhow when G said he needed to delete texts because if I read them my head would go all over the place with them ... firstly I was cross because he thought I'd read his texts, which there has been one occasion I tried to and I have signed in to read his emails. I refuse to do that again. But worse still is the fact that there are texts that he thinks would be inappropriate. I wouldn't want him to see the things I write about him and I certainly wouldn't want him to see the cyber-sexing texts with LW. So I understand but it doesn't make it okay. He sees D every day practically and they are texting all day every day. It's a big bug bear for me. He says it's all innocent and I put trust in that. However, the amount of contact and his apparent attachment to her is rather extreme. And his mood fluctuates according to what's going on with her.
I do not want it. I am glad I was able to say I didn't want to see him this evening and have the evening to myself. I enjoy his company when all is good. In fact I cherish those times they are so special. I do not like the other stuff and that seems to be more frequent.

So I have not been studying and avoiding doing any reading and now have an assignment that was due in today and I've only just started it.What am I doing now? Not my report or even any needed reading. I will do another half hour of reading and then tomorrow evening I will have to get my head into it yet again. On Sunday I am in London with the B's. I hadn't mentioned that to G so the fact that he's dog-sitting all weekend is food news for me. I don't even think I'll miss him so much. The excitement is wearing off I think because it's so full of fraught tension. But bloody hell it's lovely when that isn't there.

And I had an interview yesterday for DARA treatment centre in Thailand. A part of me wants to give it a 3 month try.Leave Loobs again? Difficult. And what about my flat and commitment to PD? I think PD would be very hurt. he already regrets the time off I take for my degree course. I couldn't do it without the time though. My days are so long by the time I've dropped Loobs off and collected her.
The island is mall C said and there is not much to do at all. Being with oneself is a critical ability to have she said. I have this romantic notion of beach bumming and stuff. It's is a snippet of the entire thing. I have a glimpse shot of somewhere exotic. it only remains exotic for a short while because in effect I am just there instead of here. The climate would be lovely of course.
I would miss art. I would miss friends. I would miss culture. I would miss G. I would miss like heck Loobs. I would miss ..............
Hmmm I sent an email to say that I rescind my application. We will see what happens when they respond. I would be interested to know the feedback from the interview. It was via Skype.

That's all folks!!

Bliss
XX

ps G calls himself Spiritual Giant (I think he half beleives it)

Bauhaus at Barbican

What a fascinating exhibition. The history of Bauhaus was brought to life for me today. I hadn't really known what it was all about an I have more of an idea now. I hadn't realised just what a faculty it was. What a wonderful time it must have been. So much being taught and discovered. The exhibition was pretty big. It took me over 2 hours to get around it. In the end I was very tired and over stimulate somewhat, so I confess I didn't pay as much attention to the exhibits at that point.
I wonder how often people come across artefacts that were from Bauhaus. I should love to discover something that I could keep.
I have this thing about possessing ..... I would prefer it if I could just hold the memories and I think that's it. I encounter all of these things and then they slip out of my memory. I have been to palces and seen things that I have long forgotten. It would be nice to be able to hold memories. I hold bad ones but what abut the amazing and wonderful and people, places and things.

This was written way back in 2012 - I was going to add more but didn't so posting it now. So long afterwards.
I was so impressed with Bauhaus and wanted so much to be in such an environment. I see an attempt of it at West Dean but of course do not have the funds nor the creative ability to beling there. Am I jealous? Yes.
However I did this sketch the other day and thought there is improvement. And I was left wondering too that once the idea of perspective has bedded in can one again return to the childlike drawings without an idea of perspective and then look like a pro trying innocence??
And I also have realised that I see very little of uniqueness these days in people's work. Occasionally something is unusual and catches my eye. But mainly it's been tried thus far. But then there are new movements and I suppose like anything in it's day from the past looks llike feeble attempts at new movements. Only historically sometimes do things that were once considered harsh and too radical become worthy.
Is that how it works?

Bliss
XX

Oh That's Crap! Unsettling.Revealing.

Well I've learnt even more about my father. From Auntie E and then I picked up the courage to call Auntie V.
Now she seemed to be asking several times what I wanted. I said that I want peace of mind. She said that if that's what I wanted then I need to let go. She suggested going to church. I said that also wanted to know things about my dad. I think she thought I might be phoning to ask for money. He had told her that I'd had 2 lots of £15,000 loans which I'd never paid back. What a liar! That's so infuriating but a relief to know that he told such bloody idiotic lies. He had said that I'd cost him a lot with my first marriage. That's probably true. As much as I hate to admit it. My mum and went for it. I think it could have been more costly. I mean I didn't have or want an evening bash. He knew as well that I didn't really want to get married but didn't have the courage to step away from it. I was too scared. Perhaps he could have helped me there. It was a sham of a wedding and a marriage. And I've done it a couple of time since. I know he had no respect for me in my attitude towards money and spending it. Yes I did have a couple of loans. But I did pay them back and they were no more than a couple of thousand each time. He did act as guarantor but again didn't have to pay anything. He did give me the deposit on the first house £2000 and that was lost when I ran away from the whole relationship, everything. I was foolish to do that. I should have stayed and fought but I didn't and didn't have the courage to ask for help to get what was rightly mine. Lukcy MP, he got the lot. I don't think my mum and dad did naything with regard the place in Guildford with AV.
Anyway Auntie V did confimr the name-swapping business of my fathers father. The family name was Boulger and they came from Southern Ireland. They cam from New Ross apparently. I'd like some time to go there. But with Boulger being such a popular name. .... I wonder if Auntie V would give me some more details when I go and visit her.
She sounded as is she were talking through a psychic voice. She said that T would spend what little money was left very quickly. She said that there would be something for me from the house. Well we'll see.
I'd love it if Auntie V after all these years of knocking her psychic skills was right. I think my mum might have been jealous of Anutnie V and Uncle F. My dad always held them in high esteem but my mum an dI were snobby about them. Look at them now. A very very rich family. But never forgetting where they came from. Unlike my mum. And I.
Good for them. I am very pleased for them. Truly I am. And they look after each other which is also a real beautiful thing. Unlike the snobbishness and distancing and self-gain. I have had that too. I really am very very happy for them making it good but jealous too. I wish I had their get up and go and humility to do what it takes to get there. I was  not interested in grubby looking things. Ha! More fool me. Last laugh and all that!!!
Anyway Auntie E was aware of affairs. She said that Auntie V had always known about affairs. I will ask her directly when I visit. I said I would visit in early May. I want to follow that through. I've arranged a date to get up to the Wirrall to see Auntie E and Uncle M.
They have always been mocked by my father. And I would never say that to them - please God. I was able to say to Auntie V how highly he regarded bith her and Uncle M. She knew that.
She gave me some snippets of information and understandably was cagey to begin with.

I am fucking furious with him for being a liar, a cheat, a cad, a womaniser, a complete fabrication. I am pleased that he found happiness in recent years according to Auntie V. I'm also glad that he wasn't completely happy according to Auntie E and also to N. They all think there was something not right. I wonder why Auntie V then says he loved T and was contented and also she finds T to be a nice lady. When so many others don't think she is. I feel for her with a difficult childhood as described by her cousin. I am pleased that she has no financial worries in her illness. One less thing to stress about. I am jelaous that she had good times with my father especially as I was so excluded. I am jealous that I didn't get any inheritance. I don't like being jealous and would really like this to be removed from me please God and let go. Help me to let go please.
Should I stand up for my rights? I suppose there's no harm in asking another solicitor. But if they also say no then I will let go of pursuing it. I am coming to terms with this being my lot. It is not necessary to have material wealth to be hapy.
It immediately made me more content with G. Before then I was agnonising over the fact that  he has nothing too.
So what. If we can be happy in our strange way together, then that's enough. I can adjust more easily than ever I imagined I would.
I feel a sense of loss of the freedom to travel. I'd truly like to find ways to get to the Far East and to India to meet with Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo. I'd like to see other cultures and worlds. Perhaps I'll just have to be content with the wonders I've been privileged to experience through my work before. I have chosen a different career and it's an amazing honour to work with people and their private lives.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I can learn and move on from this. It's been a lot of turmoil but doesn't have to stay turmoil.
HP help me to be happy for others good fortune and to be grateful for what I have.

In the meantime, my father was not someone I am proud to own the genes of. I am furious with him for being such a fuckwit! I am furious with him for cheating on my mum and for lying so much. There was no bloody need. I think I can see a way of dropping the resentment though. Not by thinking it through. Simply by ust acknowledging the anger and fury and letting go of the desire for it to be different. It is what is it. The past was what it was. I'm angry and that's that. But not longing right at this moment. I annot get reconciliation from anyone. The only person who could have shed light on what the reality actually was is dead, my father. And he was never capable of honesty when he was alive. I just need to accept that.
I amscared that I am a pathological liar too. Please God help me to be honest.
I will tell G, sponsor that G, boyfriend, and I are going to stay in the relationship. Both a little tentatively and accepting that it's quite a lively relationship.

I didn't know any other way. I wasn't given the tools for some reason. Some of it my make-up, some of it the lacking within my relationships and guidance. I became an addict and do not blame him/them for this. I need to take responsibility for my behaviours which I do. I was not pleasant and very irresponsible. I became out of control and was a worry for my parents. I really don't think there was any other way to go though. I didn't have the capability for life yet was thrust into it anyway. I had to get away from home. I was self-willed too. A bit of a handful. Very, very angry, understandably. And then I got into recovery. My father didn;t want to see any changes in me. And I've learnt was lying about me anyway. He had to make it worse that it was probably to ease his conscience in some way. I and my father probably have a lot of similarities. I was tuaght to be a liar. The truth was never ever enough.

So an interesting morning. And a lot of study avoidance. Okay - I have at least half an hour to get some done

Bliss
XX

Drinking and then Not Drinking - notes from Siste Bea

Sister Bea talks about one specific occasion in her chairs to exemplify her powerlessness and unmanageability.
And then she talks about being in the programme but just not drinking.
Someone once said to her that she was always so miserable. She agreed that she fond it all annoying and boring. He suggested that she go home and get on her knees and ask for the willingness to have a change of attitude. Which she did. She laughed saying that she wants to say that God appeared to her suddenly and lit the sky. But he didn't but realised that God appeared to her in different ways. She discovered that praying for the willingness to come unstuck it always happened. The little miracles of God that an easily be overlooked.
Over the years the cravings were lifted and she began to enjoy the wonders of the programme. At times she would be crying with dear or frustration or just not knowing what to do next. She would go to meetings crying. She discovered that the programme is magnificent and magic. The magic comes from us when we discover the big secret. The secret is that we are totally powerless of everything. And we get to latch onto life in a different way, letting go to a Higher Power. Sometimes letting go and taking back and letting go and so on. We talk about selfishness and self-centredness is the problem for us. Wanting to be in charge.
It say to Sister B. this is the how and why of it. You have to quit playing God because it doesn't work. And from hereon God is going to be the master - He is the father you are the child. It may be too complicated for you to get at times in its simplicity.
This is the the key to pass into freedom. Which is all I've ever wanted,
This inner freedom has come to her she says. She has discovered that working the steps there are all these little promises caught up in the steps. Page 63/84 these promises are a in the steps.
In step 3 if we turn our will over to the care of God then all the promises are caught up in this. All sorts of remarkable things will follow if we hand over control to God.
God will provide everything you need so long as you stay close and do the work. You will be come less interested in self and more interested in what you can contribute to life. And as a result you will feel new power enter into your life. You will lose your fear of today and tomorrow. You will be reborn. You will get to start all over again.
This is a fascinating study for her. One of the tings she odes is when she goes through this. She says there are 84 promises all caught up in the steps.
Men - 6 promises for step 4. 2 for acceptance for anger, fear and sex. Means that they keep coming back
10 promises in step 5 -
Promises in steps 8/9
promises from step 10
Stop Fighting. I don;t have to go to war anymore.

Used to think I knew how to teach prayer and meditation. Page 86 and 87 of the Big Book.
I have to ask God to direct my thinking and consider my plans for the day. First think in the morning.

I can wake up filled with resentment. It can say to me please wake up as we have to get someone today.
When agitated and indecisive (easy for me to do). Things in life are agitating.Generally I am irritable. The steps help to even me out. So that I can always be in touch with the ways of my self.
I average 3/4 meetings per week.
I have a sponsor and I sponsor other people.
Working with the spirituality of the programme means I have to work it harder for myself.
The magic is here but I don't know where it comes from.
We never criticise. But I listen to people sometimes in meetings and I do criticise. I wonder which part of never I don;t understand.
This woman wanted to drink and a foolish man in the meeting stood up yet again saying the same old thing. But added that we are not supposed to drink or use drugs. IN the care the woman had heard him above all other people. She said we are not supposed to drink between meetings. I had to realise that God works in mysterious ways and I don't know best.
Oh the putting down of the alcohol can switch into relationships.
People get sober then start shaping up and all is looking good. Then it gets boooring.People get stuck
A lot of unhappy people in recovery too. I don;t want to be unhappy. I was too unhappy before I got here.
G is unhappy.
The joys of the programme come from living and loving the programme.
Shakespeare - King Lear- we should live and pray and take upon us the mystery of things and so we were God's spies.
We get to see how God works in the most extraordinary ways. The miracle world we are living in. It is a wonderful life
We get the chance to break the cycle of negativity. Awakenings are happening all over the world and we are witness to some of them. This is such a privilege
The steps of this programme can and will change us.

 

Heading towards the Etoile

Well yesterday I met with G and his friend N. We went for a walk near Trotton. LouLou is so scared of G's gruff shout at Maggie and Toby. She shakes and hangs behind. I don't think she enjoys the walks at all. I don't know what to do about this. It's better when the other dogs aren't there but she's come to be afraid of G. Is this an indication of the depth of his anger. LouLou is generally very choosy.
So I've noticed how "in love" I feel and with this comes complete forgiveness and acceptance of everything. Is this healthy and wise? At the same time I think I detect a withdrawal from G. There are so many times when I'm going through the motions and actually questioning whether I even like him let alone love him. I love lots of people and I can feel love for him as the person he is but not love that I want to be with him. I start questioning his principles for example wanting to gossip about people and put them down. I don't like that. I used to dislike it about Simon and became quite contemptuous of this about him. I do it myself. I get drawn into it more though. When I want to be onside with G I will do it or if I want him to dislike someone because I'm jealous of them. I will buy into the gossip to add to his lowering opinion for example. It's jealousy. I did it with D, his friend. When he moaned about her I dug it deeper and I don't even know her. That's the motive from me. How ugly. These days I just listen and I do not indulge him further.
I would like to stop gossipping entirely. I am better and being silent. I need practice in changing the subject. I don't need to worry what people think about me changing the subject. I don;t need to make people feel uncomfortable because that would be the next motive. Make them feel bad about themselves for gossipping.
So there is this push and pull between G and I. He doesn't like so much tactility. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. It's on his terms. Do I accept that? Sometimes I can and sometimes I want it on my terms too. Can I put up with it being on his terms? Could I raise it with him? There will be times when it's possible to speak about these things. Sometimes I feel rejected when he doesn't want to touch.
He doesn't like it when I tell him I find him handsome. He said when he's believed that he's not handsome for his entire 59 plus years, not liking it is bound to be. But I like it when he fins me attractive even though most of the time I don't believe it. I am feeling better about myself some of the time though and so can allow that sort of thing to be said a little more easily. I look in the mirror and no longer think I am so ugly I should be put out of my misery. I no longer and overweight and so actually think I've got a pretty good body now. What a pity I wasn't able to find this food recovery earlier. But this was to be my journey and I'm incredibly grateful to have been directed in this way.

I do wonder though if I'm truly an alcoholic. G will sometimes say about a person he doubts that they are an alcoholic. I wonder what he really means about that. I have thought he means that the drinking has not been so bad after all. But I think he might also mean as says in the Big Book that it's more than the alcohol. There's more than the alcohol, it's a spiritual malady. Ad I read somewhere, I can't recall where now this list that describes the spiritual malady
1. restless, irritable and discontented (BB p.xxvi)
2. Having trouble with personal relationships
3. Not being able to control our emotional natures
4. Being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression
5. Not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life)
6. Having feelings of uselessness
7. Being full of fear
8. Unhappiness
9. Inability to be of real help to other people (BB p.52)
10. Being like the "actor who wants to run the whole show" (BB pp.60-61)
11. Being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity (BB p.62)
12. Self-will run riot (BB p.62)
13. Leading a double life (BB p.62)
14. Living like a tornado running through the lives of others (BB p.82)
15. Exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These are the manifestations of SELFISHNESS and SELF-CENTREDNESS.

The point made in number 14, the Big Book says "The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have bee uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when says sobriety is enough.... There is along period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling ... won't fit the bill at all.
...asking  each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."
And gosh how I need help with this. My struggle at this moment is taking this on board. For example in my chaos I was hopeless with finances and rested on my laurels that my mum would always bail me out. Even though I would know it would irritate the hell out of my father. My poor mum would have to be the negotiator with him. And I would know that it eroded yet more respect away on his part. So I'm not at all surprised that he didn't want to leave me anything in his Will. However, there is somewhere a balance for standing up for my rights. I don't really believe I have any rights because I was such a fool for so many years. But then again I can see that a lot of my behaviours were driven because I was deeply afraid. I had an arrogance that was steeped in a lack of any self worth. I was totally hedonistic and selfish. I thought only of myself and therefore acted in ways that were thoughtless of others. Sometimes I would consider for example my dads growing revulsion of me only to then become angry and of course I would blame. The same extremes as I'm osciallting between now. Either he's completely right in his negative judgement of me therefore I am totally a bad person. Or I'm right and therfore he is to blame and wrong. I've swung between these extremes for a liftetime.
And so when people are telling me to find ways to stand up for my rights with dignity, I seem to have to be casting aspersions about my father to make it okay for me to do this. But then I think of all the tings I have done and this means that I have no rights at all. I can not seem to find the balance. I am seeing a sort of Arc de Triomphe etoile. There are all of these roads leading into and away from the centre. The centre is balance and calm. The circle around it is where there is the greatest chaos with the roads leading to it jammed with thoughts. The roads leading away appear to be flowing.
So the raods leading into the centre are: my fathers part when I was a child, my behaviour as an adult (even when alcohol and drug free). During the years until maybe even 2011, I have not behaved well. It was improving with help from B and FA. I was beginning to show up but there was no real feeling of reconciliation for me. Even when he was approaching his death he was rude and angry with me.
Reconciliation for me would have been him being nice to me and including me finally. But no. I think reconciliation will finally be realising my father was a very unwell man. Really accepting it. I fight it because I still don't think his treatment of me as a child was real and that I have brought this all upon myself.
It WAS real. How can I actually get that and keep it? So some of it I exaggerated. But what is true was bad enough. I think some of my exaggeration was to keep the reality of my mum leabving me unattended and never stopping the situaitn. Even she thought it was me a lot of the time. It became me in later years but I was just a child.
So it's no wonder I find it difficult to accept him as he was. I always knew he was a liar and flirted with women. It was useful to know that other people know these things too. I always thought I was over stating such matters. I feel certain he was having an affair with Betty. My dad became so damning of Paul her husband. There was a look between them. And I've litle doubt my father had been flirting with T, later his wife, long before my mum was dead.
I am angry about these things. Raging, raoring, hating him. But you see this is one of the roads leading towards the star. There is this roar of rage which can quickly become hatred. There there is the conflict of wanting to love and forgive him. When I do that I have to put aside all that he did that was wrong. And so the turmoil begins again. Whre is the cenre in all of this?
I think it would be helpful to see a SC. But I can't afford it!!!
I need to get to the shops for food. And I need to do studying today. Nothing else. And here I am writing.
I am troubled by all of the roads leading to the centre. I can see the centre though. I think actually I'm in the real chaos now going around the centre. Crowded and all thoughts bumping into each other.
I would like to get to the centre of all of this. This would mean having knowledge tat my childhood was as it was and it wasn't okay. Being able to find love and forgiveness and discover how to stand up for my rights with what isn't okay for me. It was how it was and it wasn't okay. I don't need to blame somehow. I just need to say that I was never ever going to be enough for my fatjer. He didn't want a baby in the first place. Overcoming the fact that my mum was pregnant he was destroyed further when I was a girl. He told me this himself. I don't know why he told me. Perhaps he didn't know how not to. I wonder what hell he created for my mum when she said she was pregnant. I think my mum must have gone through a lot of turmoil. But she stayed and endured it. I remember the fighting just ebcause we were going out. I used to be scared but it was also normal. I didn;t think it was strange for example when Uncle R and Autie E were shouting. It was just the usual. I went along with sitting at the top of the stairs with L but in reality wondered what all the fuss was about. Similarly with the K's when we used to spy on her mum and F. I knew they were having an affair. I thought it was horrid for D but again it was usual for me.
It's bloody horrible and annying that this was the man my father was. It's damned frustrating that he got away with it right to his death. But I was never going to be able to stand up against him all the time he was alive. I am sad to say I was too scared. I want to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afarid anymore. I truly do.
I'm so easily hooked into being the victim and being sick. I want to be suicidal and dark because in that way I don;t have to face up to anything. I get there and don't even know what it is I can't face anymore. It's everything. Mainly I can't face myself and that I have been such a coward for so long.
I had an urge then to share this with G. But the purpose, the motive would have been so that he sees a strong me and not feel so sickened by me. You see how qucikly I am turning his possible off me times into it being about the person I am rather than him. When I'm off him it;s the things that I don;t like about him not him.
I don't want anyone to have any part of me they don't like you see. Because if they do they will decided to leave me and that invalidates anything that's good. I do not ahve the power over people to like all of me. No one can can they? I don't like all of anyone. So why should I expect the same fro others. I don't trust anyonw to be able to work through that though and expect to get abandoned. Therefore the less I see of them or the fruther away I can be the less hance there is of them discovering all me. This is a lack of intimacy.
I often feel that I've allowed myself to get beyond the aloofness and then they will discover me and not like me. It's better when I stay quiet and distant. But it's impossible.
When will I be okay being me and enjoy those people that also are okay with me being me.
I won;t leave people because I don't like all of them. I sometimes need some time away from them or a little space but I like the people I like and I think I always will. It will be them that walk away.
So G may be having a not so liking time of me. I will just let that be and get on with my own things. I've got plenty to do.
I pointed out to him some differences. I like getting up early and seem to need less sleep than him. He likes sleeping in late and going to ebd extraordinarily late. I like people he likes very few people. I like to socialise. I like going to London. He loaths cities and prefers not to socilaise. He is very choosy about people and doesn't like one of my very good friends M.
With him I feel much more courageous to go off and adventure abroad. he is wary of leaving all that is familiar and will not invest the courage in me. He likes to gossip and I don't. I like meetings, he doesn't unless there's a newcomer to help.
He is easily grumpy and it can be very consuming of the very air around him and bleeds over me too.

I felt certain that yesterday he was more withdrawn again. After a day on Saturday with complete lust. I wonder if it really is just about sex for G? And if it is then I don't want just that. He said that he sees us getting together from time to time and enjoying sex. He does want to go away for the weekend as well and did want me to join him and N for a walk yesterday. So I must keep a relaity check on that and stop buying into my distrust of men. Which of course comes from my father. Messages such as men only want one thing. Women always drop their knickers on a whim. Women are only good for one thing.
Watching him get disugusting with mum is imprinted on my mind. He wouls role his tongue backwards, biting down on it. Grimacing of course as a result and then grunting and breathing in and out heavily. He used to do it to me too. It was revolting. Graham Whelan did the same thing. I remember acknowledging that at the time but not making anymore of it until later years putting it into words.
Repulsive!
G is not these men and I do not think he is like that sexually. At least I don't have evidence of that so far. However, he does enjoy sex and so do I with him. So why not? So long as it's not the only thing between us.

Got to go. Got to got to go
Bliss
XX



 

Treasuring

Mohammed said "riches come not from an abundance of worldly goods but from a contented mind."

Shakepeare said "my crown is in my heart, not on my head, not decked with diamonds or Indian stones. Not to be seen my crown is called content. A crown it is that kings seldom enjoy."

Buddha said "contentment is the most excellent wealth"

Nagarjuna (great Indian Master) said "there is no treasure like contentment".... "of all the taps of wealth, it is contentment which beset by the gods of men to be the most supreme. Try for contentment and should you achieve it, even without material wealth, you will truly have found your fortune."

It's how we were, my father and I. But I was a child - he did things to me and treated me in ways that were harsh and inappropriate for a child. I did things in adulthood too. Things I am very sorry about today and work constantly to move away from. I feel as if I'm being punished for that now by my father. But that is the way he worked. I am bound to feel terrible not only as I crossed my own principles but also because my father would never be able to forgive. He did not have the capacity. Also right from the beginning of my time I was being attuned to the idea that I was imperfect and bad.
It's difficult for me to be able to stand up and say this is not okay. Of course it is because that's been set up from the beginning. I had all rights taken from me from the start. I was wrong he was always right. There was no room for me to be me and that would be okay.
I'm just going to see if I have a case. Sticking up for myself is terrifying because I come from an abusive background. I have such little self-worth.
If there is a way to stand up for myself. Am I justified? But at least I ca

Our feelings are our feelings but I can easily get caught up in the rights and wrongs. This in turn can be a way of avoiding the feelings. I start thinking.

The only way is through. The more I tried to go around it all the harder it gets and the more complicated it gets. I can be addicted to thinking as much as anything else.
It gets back to quiet time, meditation. The time when I release emotions is sometimes through others situations, watching TV or when someone is compassionate.
Conclusive episodes is what I want. But that's not going to happen, it's a process. And when I can accept it's all a process there is a relief and freedom. I can be gentle with myself.

Bliss
XX

 

Unkind People

 I think this morning I have got some clarity. It's been a long time coming. And it's required me to really hang on.  Thank you God for the strength to hang on in there and the clarity that's being given.
Suddenly things lifted when I realised I need to make amends to G. I can so easily sit in judgement and then be blind to me. I want to make amends for acting in the emotion when I asked him to leave. I am very touchy, sensitive and when he said "and there are grey areas around your dad too" I flipped.
And no doubt he will sense my uncertainty about our relationship. I am uncertain. I am not sure if I want to be with someone who appears to have so many issues. It's my opinion. And I see that it's possible that my issues will pick up on his issues and the result is obliteration.
I appreciate how he stood by me during the most difficult of times recently. And how I'm wanting him to continue to be sensitive to my sensitivity. It can be so destroying and I never ever mean to be unkind and hurtful. Sometimes I don't even know I have been and only blame. Then it's even harder because I want G to change and it's all about me me me getting what I want and need. I am thoughtless at times. Other time I think I'm overly considerate. Either way it ends up me being intense and thinking it's all about me.
I do oscillate about this relationship. I want all that's good and falter with things when they are difficult. I am not always sure I find G attractive and yet other times I just see him and feel utter attraction. I would prefer to be with someone who is working and earning reasonable money. I know I have an odd relationship with money. I despise it and want for equality but in this unequal society I want and I feel jealous of those who have. So I think that contributes. I wonder if I'd have the courage to say that to G. It's not a judgement of him but I don't think it would be helpful. It's the truth though and there must be a way of saying it gently and with love. What else? I do find myself getting drawn into mood shifts. I have them too - this period has been a fine example of it. I'm less tactile, far more sensitive, I'm much more irritable and discontented abut everything. I know this disperses into every other area. I just can't see it completely. I'm unaware how others get affected. Some are more in the firing line or more sensitive to me as well. I am sorry for that. I continue to work at it. The more distant people are the less they are likely to be impacted upon. G has been up close and personal and so I appreciate he will have taken the brunt.
It doesn't detract from the fact that there are things about him I'm unsure about. I don't like his judgement of others when it's so negative, his instant dislike of people, his lack of sociability. I don't like his deceitfulness, I end up distrusting. If he can lie to them he can lie to me very easily too. And he has said he only tells me what I need to know. I guess I do the same but mainly because he react so badly, distrusts and punishes me in little ways. He can be spiteful. I understand where it all comes from in a lot of ways but that doesn't mean it's alright to be on the receiving end of all the time. And it seems that he doesn't want to alter that in any way. He wants to find peace and contentment by himself - away from people. That saddens me. I'd like to find peace and contentment with him. Maybe it's either accepting him just the way he is and this is when I start battling and thinking I'm in the wrong. How long can I keep going trying to accept before we destroy each other entirely and there's no room for friendship. It ended early enough with JB for there to be friendship which I think will be everlasting.

And then there's this ...... I missed not being able to text someone and say exactly what I saw and felt joy. I love being able to do that with G or anyone actually but especially with someone who is responsive and feels the same way often. But there are also times when I just want contact because it's better than not ... that's not good friendship.
So when I saw this this morning it really resonated. And I wouldn't want G or anyone doing that to me. Of course there's an element of wanting people so keeping in contact but that can be too much over the top and then it's unhealthy.



It would be nice if there were people who were reading this Blog and would comment with their thoughts experiences and opinions. It would make it more dynamic somehow. However, I don't want people I know closely to be reading it as often it's about them and very personal and unthought through. When I get to seeing me is when it's okay. When I'm blaming it's not okay. If you know what I mean. The blaming is not the real me it's the angry hurt me.


Bliss
XX

Reconciling the Plateau

I saw a woman today. Very neat, in fact well presented but ageing. Probably in her 60's she looked great but ageing. And for a minute I felt great until I thought how I will be when I'm looking that age. And am that age.
I went through a few years of real grief and horror actually around the ageing process. It was during the hormonal changes as well which I never know whether to say when I was menopausal or am I in menopause now coz it's all over bar the singing. Who knows? Anyway during that time the ageing situation seemed horrendous. And then I read something like this above which was posted  by my Auntie whose daughter died just over a year ago aged just 42 years of age. Another one who died around her birthday. I do see a general pattern to this. My dad died 18 days before his birthday. My mum died a month after her birthday. My Nana died just after her birthday in March 1973. And so on.
Anyhow I an gloat about older woman and then remember that I will get there. And actually I love what this little Buddhist script says. Be grateful for getting older as it's a privilege not afforded to everyone. Some people die so young. My mum was young really, compared with life expectancy these days. My dad was nearly 85 yrs of age. I feel sad at moments but mainly I feel so much anger and am glad he's dead. The loss I feel is for the inheritance I didn't get. Am I really surprised? No, not at all. He didn't like me, had little respect for me. And in some moments I think that's what I deserved because I have been in my using a complete idiot. Thank goodness for the programme of recovery because I have a chance of not dying in the mess my dad has died in - so much hurt and resentment. It's all with me but it's related to him.

Anyway I can't be bothered to write anymore about this tonight. I'm tired ft if, tired of me and tired after a busy day. I am having increasing thoughts of being tired of living.
Imagine if my legacy was this Blog. There would be a few surprised people. I must leave notice somewhere of it. The truth may be best kept to myself. Or maybe someone like JB would make use of this to write a story. I think I will leave the Blog to him. Even the bits about him. I wouldn't want him to be hurt though as JB is truly a nice man. Infuriating but truly a kind heart.

Which is more than I can feel for G right now. He's keeping a sort of text contact but yesterday said he didn't want to talk long. He said the novelty has worn off and we know each other now. I am lead to wonder then if he needs that thrill and starting a novelty somewhere else. I am very untrusting. But something tells me that something has radically changed in recent days. One minute we were talking fine and the next a real mood and withdrawal. I am withdrawing too feeling unsafe. I think we are actually destroying anything that's been good and that truly saddens me. It's then that my heart longs and hurts. And yet he's manner can be cutting and nasty. His moods are tiresome. He's deceitfulness leaves me feeling suspicious. Understandably then that M might be suspicious of me. If I can lie about one thing to someone I am capable of it anywhere. And I think the same about G. He is deceitful with D. She suspects and of course so do I. He told me anyway that I am told what I need to know.
That's no way for me to relate with someone. There I am listening to someone torn in a relationship that is ruining her life and I am thinking I do the very same thing. I do want to read Enduring Love.
When will I make a decision that's right for me. Please Universe show me what to do and how to do it so that there is limited damage please. You are showing me time and time again that this isn't right for me. Then I doubt me thinking I am being unreasonable all the time.
Phew it's hard being me and hence I really just want to give up trying anymore. A cosy death seems favourable Universe. Is this how it's meant to be?
I am grateful for a good days therapy.  am grateful for a chat with IC. He reminded me how I need to take care of myself and not get absorbed in the work to heal me.
It's just incredibly difficult right now.
Oh and there might be people gossipping because of photos on FB. Well that'll truly piss G off. I think I will remove them


Bliss
XX

Grasping at water

I feel like shit!
I think it would be easier to stop trying to live in this world. It just feels too flipping difficult!
I've felt like this before and come through it. I've even had wonderful times. BUT it doesn't last.
Today I learnt from the solicitor that there is no basis for contesting my dads will. Now I feel injustice and helplessness. It's just awful
And amidst and troubled conversation with G he said that he doesn't want to talk long - the novelty has worn off. We've got to know each other now. It's a woman's thing talking at length.
So the novelty has worn off. I think for him it ma actually be over. Which is fine. It's changeable. It will be him ending the relationship and that's what I've wanted. In that way he changes the story. He will no doubt have all the reasons why he had to end it because of me but it is actually a change from women ending it with him.
Funny thing is I hate that it's not me making the decision and yet I've been questioning it for ages now. I don;t like the way he is grumpy with me. Whether it is me or not that's contributed to how he's feeling it's never clear. He's sulky and silent. He has this relationship with D and that's not really okay. He is so flipping sensitive there can be now way through things. All in all it doesn't look good. He's a nice man BUT ...................
I hate losing the things I like and I wanted to be wanted but blimey how many times have I been here. And in this relationship it's been on/off/on/off. I feel love for the man. BUT ......
I look at him and see some attraction some of the time. Other times I just don't. I have had a wonderful sensual time with hi. BUT .....
Well right now I want to stay focused on the things that aren't good about this encounter. Because when I start writing all that's good my heart melts. He's is a good man in so many ways.
BUT ...........


I feel such loss. NOT for my father. Good riddance. And that's my anger. I feel resentment even hatred for him. I want to feel love and forgiveness. Please Universe help me, show me, guide me.
I want to hold out hope but truthfully I know there is none. I remember when my mum first died, I kept suddenly realising she wasn't ever, ever coming back. It seemed impossible at times and I expected to hear from her or see her. And it's the same with the money. I keep thinking it's not true and something will resolve. But it won't. This is it.
It's horrible.
I feel deflated and I am not sure I can go on. I feel as if I've been holding it together for my entire life only for my father to do this to me.
What on earth was on his mind?
He was a very nasty, unkind man. I wonder why I am surrounded by unkindness. My father, his wife and men I have met and so on and so on. And when I am writing that I think it's just me, how I perceive things.

So ...... I don;t want G to not be liking me. That feels awful. I don't dislike him. I wish people didn't decide to dislike me. Am I really that unlikeable? If so then there really is no reason to go on living. I am trying to hold on to the fact that there are people who are always there regardless. E, R, A and G,.
My dad hated me - it's so hard to live with that. And here's more evidence with G that I am unlikeable. That I fuck everything up.
I cannot carry on like this. There either has to be a corner in the world where I can go and it will be okay. Yet I know that there is no such place - it's in my heart and soul but I cannot find it there either.

Universe help me. Truly help me - I need help to die or find a way through this.

Fuck it hurts in my heart and soul. How many more times can my heart and soul be so devastated.
I want to feel grateful for life and I just don't.

Bliss
X

Justice needs more than judgement and time

Without music, man is little more than a stone - Martin Luther 15th century monk. And I write that having started to watch the documentary about Bach's life on BBC. I fell asleep. Bach was influenced by Luther it seems but I was actually nodding off by that time. So I will revisit it when I've finished writing. Anything other than start studying. I love Bach's music; vibrant and sometimes enchanting. How could he hear what it would sound like with a choir or an orchestra? Do today's musicians hear how it will sound with the other instruments. When listening to David Bowie's band talk about sitting together and bringing their instruments into the piece, I started thinking that it's not really then David Bowie's idea in fullness, they all are part of the creation from nearly the initial idea. But ... perhaps that's just how it has to be. I will ask Liz today about her music writing process. I do love Toccata and Fugue, especially the building up getting higher and higher ad then reaching the pinnacle. At that point I want to go or stay there. But we have to come down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9rZjlsyYY

I had a lovely day yesterday. I have an underlying melancholy but can enjoy myself nonetheless.
I was enjoying texts with G. But then when he called he was in a grumpy mood I could tell. My immediate reaction was to pull back, fed up with the change in him when I had been so looking forward to speaking with him. He didn't really want to talk. I am suspecting he was angry because of the photos I sent of him with me messing around with bunny ears on. Who knows as he won't talk about what had made him angry. And in truth it's probably best as it's his issue if it's about me.
Anyway I think fuck off ad start to pull back. But not being in the same place it's so much easier to have some time. And wrote too. So what would you do?
My immediate reaction is to say why can't you just be even tempered and not get angry over the most ridiculous things. I wondered all sorts of things. So firstly I need to stop. It doesn't matter what he's angry about this time unless he tells me. Should I ask or not? I don't really know the answer to that question.
Anyhow it's clear I just let him be with this. He said he didn't really want to talk so that was easy too as we weren't together. I was hurt and disappointed and then fed up with it. Do I tell him that? I don't know. I guess perhaps if there's an opportunity to talk when he's not angry then I could mention it to him. It could be a number of reasons - it could be Di, it could be me, it could be his health, it could be blah blah blah. Who knows? The thing is it's not me who's made him angry it is the way he does or doesn't deal with life as it hits him.
Now me in this. It's interesting how I want to withdraw. It is tiresome for me when he is up and down in mood. One minute nice and the next it feels as if he's throwing me away. That was how it felt with my dad too. But he would gradually reel me in and then appear to toss me back out to sea. It never felt safe with my dad. Why should it? Is it anyone else's job to be consistent for me. That's when I take it personally and expect them to be how I want them to be.
So G is this way. I want him to be considerate of me but why should he be. I can be considerate of him much easier from afar and with some time. So there it is. If we have too much time together I'm not able to deal well with his changeable moods and seemingly ease with which he can be angered. I get tired and agitated by him. So today I am thinking don't bloody bother calling him.
I notice how I try and work out what it is he's angry about because then I can try and correct it. I want to be a good girl instead of just being me. I have done nothing wrong. We weren't together so I arranged things to do and accepted invites to see my friends. I didn't want to be spending time alone over these four days. I need people at the moment and to feel included. I need to feel loved. And yet I also have the choice of being at home by myself too. It's a luxury.
I wasn't able to tell G exactly at what time I would be free after seeing L today. I think I would feel a little insecure about that. I think what I will do is say that I will leave there by 5 - that's a good time for lunch and a walk and then perhaps G and I can meet for a walk too. I will take LouLou's food and water. Yes I would much prefer a bit of certainty and a sense that G wanted to see me. I think I was perhaps too nonchalant. And yesterday I didn't want him involved with the Barber's really. I did at first thinking it would be nice that he joins in. I'd like him to be a part of my family but he's so unsociable and can be rude if he doesn't like people. I don;t want to risk that rudeness as it does without doubt reflect upon me whether he likes it or not. But being impulsive and thinking happy family type thoughts I then realised I didn't want him too late after accepting his suggestion.
Now if I was able to find a nicer way of saying it I could have said something to the effect that it was a lovely idea but I would be concerned that he would be irritated by someone and then be rude. How on earth could I say that any easier. He takes a dislike so easily without really knowing a person fully. One little thing will make him curt. And I don't like that. My dad was like that but with everyone really. I just feel on edge and have done all my life with my dad. Will he be nice or will he be rude. The not knowing is so unpleasant and the experience of discomfort is even worse. Why? It's his issue. But it's not nice seeing other people confused and offended. There is just then an atmosphere and then people wouldn't want to see me and then it's just complicated and awkward to make arrangements. These are the things that make me wonder whether I want to be with him or not.
Now I say I love him but I don't like this about him. Is this reason enough to to be with the man I say I love? I don't know. Is his grumpy way of dealing with it reason enough to leave? I don't know. Is the way he retaliates with similar treatment rather than talk about enough to leave? I don't know. But the way he does that is quite enlightening for me. He doesn't always get it right though. He gets nasty and vicious with it too.
Last week when throwing everything back at me because he felt tings were being thrown back at him were all based on his own dislikes of what I was deciding to do. But he;s backtracked on that too. There is some issue about sexuality in particular with homosexual men.When driving back from Devon he mocked my gay friends without even knowing them. He is really angry with gay men. From what he's said I do understand. And he has a belief that a man can be made gay. I wonder if there is an issue around his own sexuality as he struggles with sex with a woman yet he loves to be with women. He has more female contacts than men. Do I want to be with someone with all these issues? Or questions around issues? I don't really but I love G.
I don't want him to be out of my life but I don't want all these difficulties either. I don't want to be poor and yet I am expecting him to be able to provide the dough as I'm such a low earner. My money is just enough to keep me going but that's it, there's no room for luxury within that. I want to be able to travel and be comfortable with buying things as required and not worrying about money. Why should anyone else be responsible for that? And with that question in my mind or my attitude to want to meet someone with money then the motive is all wrong in the first place.
Anyway I'm really uncertain about G. When I'm with him and it's lovely I just can't see a reason not t be with hi the person. But when I start thinking about all these other things I'm just so uncertain. He's got a lot of issues and so have I. I expect him to see and understand me yet I want him to be all okay. He's already warned me he's not a rock! He's so very aware. And yet he doesn't want to do anymore work on him.
I am sorry for my impulsiveness yesterday and then not seeing it through with honesty. I think it would have been hurtful to say actually I don't want you to come along and yet truthful if I could have explained why. Would that be too much for his sensitive soul? I don't know. I am still too scared to really be direct with people. And it's my perception of things and my discomfort. I can own that I suppose.
It was similar with PW. I realised as I listened to him all afternoon, from 12:30 until 17:30, just how much money and status meant to him and yet he was trying to say it didn't matter in some ways. It mattered wholly. He talked about how much he had and who he knew ad so on. It was a side of him I didn't like. And oddly as I'm sitting here talking about G making judgements and dismissing people for just one thing, I could easily do the same with PW. I need to listen to my instincts but not over react to them. I would take instant dislikes without really knowing why. And I would also make mistakes about individuals; I could get to like someone just because someone else I respected or liked or wanted to "keep" liked someone. It was jealousy. And I could easily end up having a close friend that I actually didn't like. Or I could dismiss someone for similar reasons. Or I could dismiss someone if I felt they had dismissed me. And so on.
As I know to really give someone justice they need time. But time isn't the only thing. Sometimes there is more information available and that can also contribute to giving someone justice. I would like the same myself. I make mistakes but that's not all of me. And if someone judges me by my mistakes then they are missing out on a whole heap of good things. My dad judged me on my mistakes and could then never see beyond that. And I've not liked that about him on my behalf. So I would like to try and give people time when it's possible. I can like the goodness in everyone. With PW he wants to do good with his money. I think the real turning point for me was listening to his dislike of his children. How they weren't going to inherit because he saw his daughter and partner as takers ad not very bright. Reminded me of me in my dad's eyes. His second son wouldn't inherit because he's made his own fortunes working for Apple. His third son has actually cut off contact with everyone. I wonder if it's just with PW but actually I think he is an honest man so there's no reason to doubt that actually.So he will not leave any money to his children and it's all going to his wife S or to a school. He wants to be an anonymous donator to offer educational scholarships to the school. Now that's a real credit to him since he himself received a scholarship. And he absconded to join the army at 14 years of age so in effect there was an accusation of theft apparently. The school approached his parents who really did not have any money at all. How he's worked hard to change his fortunes. And he's a very clever man that's plain to see.
I'm sort of jealous of his good fortune through his life but I always think a person does actually make their fortune. I've been on a hedonistic trail - anything for the easy fun life. Escaping from responsibility.
So here I am in my bed and having to lie in it. Why should anyone else bail me out of it. I used to think it was my right that my parents helped me out. Other parents helped their kids out. I'm not sure other kids messed up like I did. So I have had a hard lesson. And the denial lesson has been my dad disinheriting me. I thought I might at least be comfortable through my parents efforts but no!
Last laugh on him therefore. I have to laugh to really. Anyway I've sent some information off to the solicitor and lets see if he thinks there is good enough reason to contest. If he says yes then I'll try and find a good No Win No Fee solicitor depending on their charges. If he says no I will let go of it. And work through the hurt and the fact that I am poor and probably will remain so. Instead of longing I need to settle into being grateful for what I've got and work hard to keep it now.
BUt that doesn;'t answer the situation with G completely. The man I really like is not always present. Ther are other parts to him that I'm not sure I truly do like. His moodiness is one, his negative judgement of people another, his disinclination to work is another, his untidiness another (not that I'm tidy but he's worse). His disregard for cleanliness in people's homes, not wanting to wear clothes to look good at all. These are things I regard and don't like.
I love his intelligence and sense of humour. I like his self awareness. I like the way he likes people, it's good and strong. I like his interests and the way he shares them without prejudice. I like his consideration of me and his generosity with what he does have.
I don't know if I like enough about him or whether I just like the idea of liking him. I don't know.
His grumpiness leaves me more in questions than when he's being nice. It's good to have this distance.
I wonder what dating really means. I wonder about me in all of this. I want him to be well and able to deal with life and yet what about me in this?
How ma I in the relationship? I'm not entirely honest as was the case yesterday. There was nothing I needed to hide from him yet I didn't say that I didn't want to meet up with him. Fear of offending him and then him rejecting me and the choice of being in the relationship being taken away once and for all.

Oh and I'm off the AWOL again. This time for having eaten my courses with too long a break between them. I had done it before but had mentioned it to someone else on Tuesday so told my sponsor. She considered it a break of my abstinence and that means back to Day 1 and off the AWOL. Now I do think it's severe. But abstinence is abstinence. There's no degrees of abstinence. And if I get away with something then it's me not being respectful of a situation, not really taking it seriously. And that's insanity. I know this food addiction has complete power over me. Just yesterday I was thinking "fuck it" and several time felt tempted by all the foods; chocolate, cakes, creamy potatoes and other lovely dishes. Somehow I got through it without making any calls. Today I need to get honest. I started with T by Viber text. And I will tell my sponsor and I'm writing it down. I wasn't going to say anything at the AA meeting where I'm now secretary for the next 3 weeks. But now I will and take this 90 days seriously. No sharing, no eating out, no going away. Let's get really serious about this otherwise there is room for a full blown binge here. And just goes to show the extent of my denial as I was thinking well it's not really a relapse, justifying it as fear that had caused me to eat. It always is something that drives the "eat addictively" fear, denial, anger, sadness and so on. Right now I have a lot going on. Discovering things about my dad has not been pleasant. And hearing that my mum was confronted about taking better care of me was unpleasant too. I feel as if my world has turned upside down. My mum must have known that tings weren't all they should be between my dad and I but she was probably already used to him being the way he was. She had decided to stay with it. I do ask why? And here I am wondering whether to stay but you see I think a lot of it is about me being problematic and difficult.
And then I'm feeling a buffoon at work, making silly mistakes and feeling as if I'm lazy.
Then there's all this topsy turvy with G.
What else? Oh ongong uncertainty with M and always trying to get it right with her too.
I just want to let go of all of this. My tendency is to run but really I just need to let go. People are how they are. And I can be how I am. I'm not a bad person even though I spend my unwaking moments thinking and acting as if I am. I am doing my best.
So the reality is that I just don't know. In my faffing around G may get a sense of it. I'm toing and foring and he may well get fed up with it. It's not fair to him. I should either pull out or get in and stay in. I want to do neither. So what can I do from here?
Please Universe show me what to do and how to be? In the gentlest of ways please as I am so flipping fragile.
I'm unsure about everything. I don;t want to be here. I don;t want anything I ahve and want everything I don;t have. I don't even want to be me. I don;t want to have to go out and be friendly. I don't want to stay in alone.
I feel in a state. I think I've written myself into it. with all the I don't knows.
What I do know is it's time for breakfast. I do know I need to preapre my meals, lunch and dinner which means some cooking is required as well. I do know I need to get washed and dressed. I do know I need to feed LouLou and I do know I need to do some studying. It's now 8:50. I will have breakfast and then call G at 9:15. I will then get washed and dressed by which time it will probably be  10:00 and with 15 mins quiet time I can then be studying at 10:30. I will take breaks to get my meals ready. And then leave here at 12:15. I will spend the afternoon with L and if G wants to meet with him for a few hours too. We can meet for a walk. He is okay with not respecting his "best friends" wishes. And that's another thing that makes me wonder about him. He so likes her and needs her and yet lies to her and doesn;t respect her wishes just because he doesn't agree with them. I really don't like all this in myself let alone in someone else.
What am I doing with him? Is it me accepting crumbs?
What is it I do wnat in a person? Someone who can cherish me number 1. Someone who respects me and feels love for me. Someone who is further down the line of self unserstanding and who can be patient with me and respect my desire to improve. Someone who likes people and loves people despite all the wrongs as I'm trying to do despite my judgements. Someone how is funny and intelligent and bright but without grandiosity. Someone who is loyal to me and trustworthy. Someone who is following a spiritual practice. Someone who inspires me and who is inspired by me. Someone who will be loved by me. Someone with some money and a good working ethic. Someone who is sharing as well as caring. Someone who welcomes friend and social gatherings. Someone who enjoys their own time an quiet time for just both of us and someone who can let me have my own time too. Someone who is charming and funny.Someone who will tolerate my quirks and is quirky themself. Smeone who has their own interests and interests we can share.
There will be other things.
I need to eat breakfast and stop writing.
I am grateful today for good friends who want to invite me along to be with them. Thanks you the B's yesterday. I am grateful for this roof over my head and central heating and food in my cupboiards. I am grateful that there are people in my life to interreact with. I am grateful for G. He is a wonderful man. I am grateful for LouLou and her little ways. I am grateful for a laptop. I am grateful for FA and food recovery. I am grateful for the sunshine and the rain and the wind and the cold. It all has it's purpose and none of it is in the control of man. It is what it is. I am grateful for Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo's books. I am grateful for the idea to go an see her in the nunnery.
I am grateful full stop.
Bliss
XX