This morning I dreamt I was with my cousin. We were talking gently as she was lying in bed. Ellis was with us, who was born as my mum was dying, so is 11 years old in October. I was playing with her although she barely knows me. I was very conscious that I was holding her by her arms as she swung off the side of the bed. I kept putting her on the bed but she wanted more. L and I were talking about her death and then suddenly she disappeared and became Ellis. These things happen in dreams but I was aware I was dreaming and at the same time wondering where L was and whether she would be coming back. So Ellis and I talked about her mum dying. We spoke very practically and emotionally and I cuddled her when she wanted to be cuddled.
I was so sad. Ellis was very understanding and sensible and very sad too. I woke up at the point when the emotions were more settled.
Things are not good for my cousin. I am praying very hard.
The day before I dreamt I was flying. I was sort of seated though as if on the floor. Everyone could do it but for a limited time. whereas I could do it for an unlimited time. It was just off the ground level really, about waist height. But I think I could have flown higher if I wanted. I glided down a pathway, quite open and over a little bridge, passing people walking in the other direction. I caught up with my brother and sister who were walking along together. My brother didn't like me being behind him.
In real life I don't have a brother and sister. Oh and I can't fly either. I was loving the flying and disappointed to wake from that.
Whilst out walking yesterday A and I noticed smoke billowing, way off in the distance. We joked about it being my flat. So I spent all the time worrying about that although I didn't return any earlier.
Apparently this was a battery factory at Lasham that exploded. My friend who lives there said the explosions were very loud and the smoke very smelly.
This is simply a pic of the lovely sky
SH is going to the BBQ! I am surprised yet also pleased. This might suggest that there is a shift in his feelings and attitude towards me. I hope so anyway. Whatever his motives though I am pleased that he is going. I hope it is easy going. I am very uncertain how I will deal with the situation. i would like to be ale to say hello face to face early on. And someone suggested that I say something like " S, it's lovely to see you" because it truly would be. I would hope that if emotions has shifted that someday we could at least be friendly towards each other. I am a little anxious too. Well in case there is the ignoring again that feels so nasty and angry. He was s angry and blaming and yet he was a part of it all too. I do regret that I took JB there. I really do. I cannot use this gathering as an opportunity to make amends but I do regret that it turned all so horrible and a battle ground. I would also apologise for that incident. It was once and never again as I knew I would have hated it and actually it would have just been a fuel for the fire amidst all the nastiness. What I hate is that he thought he was entitled to so much more money and begrudged me getting anything out of it at all. Well that's how it seemed to me.
I have feelings of resentment about that and become very defensive. It links in with my lack of worth which is why I was glad to have a solicitor who was not pushy but was willing to stand for my rights. I appreciated that. We didn't go over the top but the amount was agreed. SH even commented that he was surprised I didn't want more and at that time we agreed it was in full and final settlement. But on the very last day his solicitor called saying he wanted an amount of money that I can't remember how much, but it was a significant chunk out of the agreed amount. I asked my solicitor and she said no as we had agreed the amount in full and final settlement. I would never ever want to deal with someone so aggressively horrid around such matters again. I would hope not to have to do that anyway. However, I do think if there is any issue with my dad's will there would be problems with T.
So in writing this I can see I still have feelings around that situation. I feel defensive. Usual thing, me looking at all that I must have done wrong. I was not the only person in the relationship and between us we destroyed it. It wasn't me alone. And I was not and am not a bad person. I make mistakes yes indeed. And I am very insecure. I like a lot of freedom once I am secure within the relationship.
I feel strongly about things like his meanness in temper and his controlling attitude, were all a mush of the dynamics between the two of us. I can see my part and my patterns. It is not up to me to look at his or look at his motives. We tried and it didn't work out. I am sure we wouldn't even get together these days with the changes in me. It was a terrible time. I did have strong feelings for SH and I also loved our little lifestyle. I came to hate the cottage. I loved the first one tough as it was such a wonderful time there.
But things I didn't like to have to witness was the gossip and derogatory way in which he thought and talked about others. He wanted me to be how he wanted me to be. I started out very very insecure and he was patient with all of that. Indeed he helped me to get through the insecurity to the point when I was happy to encourage him to pursue his interests and I supported all the decisions he made about his work etc. He did get very mean though and I started to stand against his attitude towards me, which he really didn't like. What I thought was that he was becoming the man he hated in his father. Yet his father I really liked. Funny isn't it how a person presents. The person who I thought was controlling and vicious was his mum. She had a real soft, gentle, generous side to her. She was ridden with arthritis that had been presenting itself since a very young age, within her twenties. Poor woman. And with it I saw a lot of nastiness. I am not surprised but of course everyone overlooked it. The relationship between M and A must have been so tough in many ways - physical, mental and emotional let alone nothing spiritual - other than apparently M's heavy drinking and violent temper. And then his sister B, who also seemed to be troubled.
So much water under the bridge. SH met a new girlfriend soon after we split up. I think he was seeing her before I started seeing JB. I think that to try and lessen my own guilt. It was all too soon and I realised that very quickly in the Jan07 in Spain. It just wasn't right for me.
And then there was the living in the house with him there too. I was relieved that he made the decision to stay away. It wasn't discussed. Nothing was discussed only shouting arguments. Oh it was a horrid time in my memory. I am slightly afraid of him. Not because I think he will be violent, although he very nearly hit me once. His anger was vile. Other people saw it which was a relief really. I always think I am the problem but when other people said at the time and since how angry and unreasonable he was. That was it, he was unreasonable thinking though that it was me that was unreasonable.
He hated me being on the phone, yet he would be watching a film I didn't want to watch. Admittedly I was on the phone far too much. That was what my dad was like too though. I needed to learn to compromise a little on that. However, things were already not decent between us and that was my escape too. Unreasonable though as rather than talking about the problems I avoided him!
He wanted me to be in more. I was a bit away with the faeries at that time, pursuing things like Tarot etc. And I was going to the Epsom meeting weekly, I went to a meditation ting in Oxford 4 times, I was seeing my sponsor one a week, I saw friends sometimes. It was not unreasonable though as a lot of my time was during the day. He resented that when I was off sick. And ha ha what he didn't even realise as he was so not money astute was that all the time I was contributing monthly! He tried to play that card until he checked all the statements. He didn't even believe me when I told him. That was set up from the very start!! He wasn't good at all that sort of thing or rather not very aware. The way he ran his business and his decisions told me that.
It was so good in the beginning. But I do remember after 6 months begging God not to let the rot set in that I had started feeling. That usual old pattern. Everything that had appeared attractive was all there was. Surface stuff and appearances. We had a year nearly two years of fun though. Growing in our recovery but too much together. I think he resented me re-training and pursuing a new career. He used to get angry that he collected the dogs everyday. But he was in Farnham and I was in Portsmouth - the dogs were in Farnham!! It baffled me. And then when I worked for him! That was the silliest move yet. It was a reprieve after burning out and having a complete low again. It was truly helpful. But it was so flipping boring. The workloads were light for me so when I started taking longer lunch breaks they got annoyed. Rightly so actually. It was taking the piss. However, it was only ever meant to be temporary and 4 days a week. I was paid a pittance. £16k. That's ridiculous. And so when I was looking to leave SH got arsey about that too. He was just getting angrier and angrier with everyone. His parents, his sister, his best friend. Everyone got it and eventually so did I!!
I am taking his inventory now. It's all flowing. But the thing is I was too uncertain to be able to talk about it. I didn't know what to do really. If we talked we ended up screaming at each other. He wanted one way and wanted another. The funny thing is that I really wanted him to be able to do what he wanted and would be there to support him. Of course the anything with my dignity and respect in mind too. Consideration. That's what I needed more of though. As it was getting worse between us I wanted to be away from him more and more. I think. And yet I think I was there most of the time and his expectations became unreasonable.
In the end the best thing happened, we went our separate ways. It should have happened a lot sooner really, before the nastiness really started. However, I think with his desire for money that would have happened anyway. My involvement with JB didn't help matters. SH at least kept his new relationship far away. That is one of my biggest regrets.I also regret that we bought that cottage. It was in desperation to stay in the village. We forced it to happen and really we should have had more faith.
As I am trying to have for Saturday - I will make a decision to turn my will over and trust that what will happen will all be OK whatever happens. I am willing to be friendly and speak if that's possible.
We will see won't we.
Something I have been thinking about recently are the little bouts of dishonesty with JH. I lied about DD asking me to get some "toys". I lied because I was embarrassed that I had purchased them extra to DD's requirement. I was really intrigued by the M/s relationship and being so controlled and punished for non-compliance. I also was untruthful about DD lending me to the horrid Frenchman, with whom JH met me the first time. I had spoke to DD about him but DD didn't lend me. I was intrigued yet again with M/s and so played whilst waiting for DD. Yuch! I feel unclean about such lies. Especially when I was wanting JH to be honest. However, I wanted him to be honest so that he would change. That's no good at all. If wanting someone to change then it is not right. I don't want to be with someone who is having dalliances with anyone else and that's the way JH was. That's not a judgement just not OK for me. So in becoming more honest but when I was so ensconced in all the things I liked about him, I wanted him to change. Whereas honesty from the beginning would ensure that a relationship is seen for what it is right from the start. No false expectations. Courting is so necessary to establish what both parties want and see if they are compatible. But that requires honesty and dealing with preferences etc. I get it so long as I am not involved with it. I need to be much more certain about myself and actually have the loving relationship with me. I am glad to have experienced the M/s as I was truly intrigued but it was not healthy for me. Keeping me in the lower position. I like the loveliness that could be between two people and sexually I learnt a lot, i.e to be more relaxed. However, I would want that but without the roles to hide behind. Others involved in it would not see it that way I guess. Each to their own. It ended up being so unhealthy for me.
Yup! Still working through relationship things but without anger. And be placed to look at my part and move on emotionally. This is good and freeing. JB is done and dusted ages ago. And we have a nice friendship now. Maybe that's why the other two are still things that I work through and take lessons from?? Who knows. I don't think I am hanging onto stuff on a daily basis. I don't think so anyway!!
In the meantime let me focus my energy on my assignment - yup! still not completed. Flipping heck. I am so avoidant!!!!!
Bliss
xx
