I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.
I started my new job. So nice to BE in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.
It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it
I've had longings for closeness with G but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for G. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .
My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm
learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.
So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going tink
to look it up. Later on I'm meeting G - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I dont think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx
Since then G and I are sort of back together. It's all unclear as to how and what it is. But then does everything have to be clear and certain for me?
And I received a call last evening from T my dad's wife. I'm not really clear exactly what she said but suffice that the end of his life seems to be approaching. She has suggestd I go and visit him today. I will go after lunch. He may be distressed by my visit and ask me to leave again. T apparently was unaware he had stoped me visiting. I wonder what the hell he has told people??? He tells me she's the one who doesn't like me and is jealous of me. Part of me wants to announce this to her.
Anyway she cried. She said it's too son. And she just wants him home. I feel for her but also sickened to here this. She is not my mum and they were flirting with each other not long after my mum died. How could she? How could he? Mostly - typical of him. I am angry with him for this and may be completely unjustified. What the hell does it matter. I can forgive him too. I suppose I want to be with someone yet I know I can be without.
With G? Well who knows what it is. There is something not connected about it. There is a grump he had yesterday when he was so far from me. It's still there today and yet he's trying to be supportive. I am glad he offered to come with me but with the distance ....? I don't know. I am just wondering what it's all about really??
What is the point of all of this. Strife and self gain. Wanting this and needing that. It also feels odd because my sense of purpose has been a lifetime, 52 years of trying to get my dad to love ME. Not an image of me but me the person just as I am. I wantes him to see ME and accept ME. But no!
I started my new job. So nice to BE in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.
It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it
I've had longings for closeness with G but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for G. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .
My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm
learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.
So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going tink
to look it up. Later on I'm meeting G - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I dont think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx
Since then G and I are sort of back together. It's all unclear as to how and what it is. But then does everything have to be clear and certain for me?
And I received a call last evening from T my dad's wife. I'm not really clear exactly what she said but suffice that the end of his life seems to be approaching. She has suggestd I go and visit him today. I will go after lunch. He may be distressed by my visit and ask me to leave again. T apparently was unaware he had stoped me visiting. I wonder what the hell he has told people??? He tells me she's the one who doesn't like me and is jealous of me. Part of me wants to announce this to her.
Anyway she cried. She said it's too son. And she just wants him home. I feel for her but also sickened to here this. She is not my mum and they were flirting with each other not long after my mum died. How could she? How could he? Mostly - typical of him. I am angry with him for this and may be completely unjustified. What the hell does it matter. I can forgive him too. I suppose I want to be with someone yet I know I can be without.
With G? Well who knows what it is. There is something not connected about it. There is a grump he had yesterday when he was so far from me. It's still there today and yet he's trying to be supportive. I am glad he offered to come with me but with the distance ....? I don't know. I am just wondering what it's all about really??
What is the point of all of this. Strife and self gain. Wanting this and needing that. It also feels odd because my sense of purpose has been a lifetime, 52 years of trying to get my dad to love ME. Not an image of me but me the person just as I am. I wantes him to see ME and accept ME. But no!
