Another wonderful day - just a way of living. She says with a beaming smile. A little trepidation flutters in then as I remember who low and bleak things can become. But rather than allow the good time to pass based on a projection, I choose today to enjoy the good feeling. Thank you Higher Power.
Funny it is - how I do not want to use the word God for fear of being thought of as religious. I use the word God as a three letter word that can very simply encompass the complexity of what my Higer Power is. I use capital letters because ....? I don't know. Is it to signify the utter importance of God in my life today or because it's a fear based conform. I'm not sure. Superstition I think rather than importance. I will stop bothering as a capital letter is of absolute no consequence comapred to the epth of meaning and trust I have for today.
Thank you god for the trust I have in you today.
I set off with the sun rising ...... I stopped en route because of the colours in the sky.
I was disappointed the other day to have missed the meteorite shower - supposed to have been happening at 7 am. I pulled over and nothing other than the twinkling flasshes of planes flying straight to an airport somewhere. However I am so grateful to have the light shows on a regular basis morning and evening. And because I'm in the countryside I can really see them if you know what I mean.
I was also grateful to Vodafone this morning. Second time in a month so this is very encouraging about service standards ..... the signal is intermittent. More off than on. I wondered if the recent high winds have damaged the most local mast or something. Anyway whilst walking LouLou around the village the signal was more consistent so I called Vodafone explaining the situation. I was informed that the strength of songal in this area is not good, 2G as opposed to 3G. So the gentleman dealing with my enquiry said he would send me out a some sort of device, he named it but I didn;t take much notice. He said it's usually at a cost of £30 but he was providing this free of charge. I am very thankful for this great solution idea. I hope it resolves the issue as suggested, when it arrives. A couple of weeks a go a very helpful Vodafone gentleman offered me 1000 free landline minutes just for this month. A very nice Christmas present. And then I go an blow it all by calling T back and back and back charging up goodness know what costs as her phone is a Norway number. I was a little resentful actually that I was helping her, to which she was in a stressful situation and never once called me. That's my over helpfulness - I can let it go an maybe learn from this something. If I apply a step exercise to the situation .... hmmm well let's see.....
step 1:
Write down all ways in which you are powerless, and how acting out/focusing on the situation/person makes your life unmanageable.
Well I am powerless over whether T likes me for me or not. If she decides she doesn't and wants to move away from the friendship then I am powerless over that. I also cannot make her like me more or behave differently and more connected. Focusing on trying to make contact happen or more togetherness just leaves me feeling frustrated and also rejected. I feel silly too and needy which erodes away at my self esteem. And of course a lack of self esteem can trigger all sorts of more needy behaviour, a spiral downwards and not good for my psyche generally. Yesterday I ended up making expensive phone calls that I cannot afford to try and ease her stress that she wouldn't blame me and reject me and yet I felt cross too that she seemed to be stressed at me and blaming me for her predicament. And then hardly grateful at all that I had helped her. I was then thinking she was selfish and angry with her. But I said nothing at all. I will add that gradually that diminished - I was not needy at all and in fact was able to step back and just be myself, happy and carefree. Otherwise when my jealousy started rising, coupled with the resentment I was feeling, I would have found ways to dislike her all together. There was a lot I did let go of and by stepping back from jealousy I felt warmth and love. So it was not all bad but I think that is to counter what I did feel about this expensive phone call I have costed myself. And I know she has a lot more money than I do.
Step 2:
Write down any ways in which you think a HP could restore you to sanity on this issue. What does sanity/freedom look like? What help would you like?
Sanity fo freedom looks like, letting go with love and not blaming T. Being able to know that her stress and what seemed like blame is her issue. Sanity and freedom also looks like me knowing that I was doing my best beause I could and wanted to even at a cost, I wanted to help my friend out of her predicament. How my HP can work is by helping me to let go, and has already helped by letting me look at things from a slightly broader perspective already. Also helping me to find the way to say on another occasion can you call me as I cannot afford all the costs and if that meant she decided to do something else instead - well then be able to let that be. Trusting in my HP that all things are OK even if T then decided to abandon me. I think she was close to giving up in her stressful anger. I would love to be able to talk to her about the whole situation and understand the communication thing. HP if that's possible please show me the way as I instantly feel fear contemplating raising the matter. I chose to call back and not say anything, it would just have been nice if she had offered but she didn't.
Step 3:
Write down how turning it over to this HP is essential. (perhaps you can write a prayer, a declaration, a letter, whatever feels appropriate)
Well as there seem as always to be interconnected matters I can make it very complex indeed and so I need to turn it all over to my HP in the first instance to keep things simple. Stop analysing. I don't honestly know if raising the matter is necessary or not, it would be purely for selfish reasons and perhaps it would be better to discuss it with someone else - sponsor first. I will. And turning over the neediness is essential because then it is possible I will be able to be more boundaried and find the balance between generosity from my soul but looking after my own best interest at the same time.
Dear God, please help to know and understand what is the best thing to do, thy will be done. Amen.
Step 4:
Write down your part – your behaviour – what patterns/habits/feelings are involved:
pride, fear, shame, selfishness, dishonesty.....
Wanting to be helpful driven by friendship but also neediness of friendship in return. If I do something good for this person they will like me. With T never feel I can fully trust the friendship ie although we are in contact, I don't feel her total commitment to the friendship and I am afraid she will leave the friendship. Therefore I go over the top even though I am doing things I would generally offer to do anyway just to be helpful. There is a motive more than altruism. I want to feel secure and trusting becaue then I'm OK. I would add that there was of course altruism too as I do care and wanted to be helpful.
Fear and insecurity type fear too which manifests as neediness, self-centredness, dishonesty in the form of saying what I'd like ie call me back. There are probably more but need some input from outside from someone I trust.
Oh jealousy - I did all that and then she ignores me and puts more importance on B and not only that she is thinner than me!! Envy? Jealousy? I am never sure which and then that minfests as me thinking scratchy thoughts about the things that aren't so perfect ha ha - yet I dislike that about my thinking. Thank my HP for showing me to put that aside.
Step 5:
Share this with another human being.
I will share this with someone before I go on...... who? L comes to mind since it is she who shared hers recently with me. And I would like to try and do this following the suggestions rather than taking my usual short cuts. Oh or A too ...
Learning that all my shortcomings are based in fear.
Do I have T on a pedestal? There are times when I'm at ease with T and other times I feel unsure around her.
I let myself down by not asking her to call me back - pride.
Friends are friends with me because they want to be in their way - trust them. Trust my HP my friendship is what is.
Lonely. Drives my fear. I can be uncomfortable being alone.
Perfectionism - high expectaions on others - not allowing a person to be themselves.
get let down disappointed. Set myself up to have to be perfect for everyones needs rather than Am i enough?
Its not what's on the outside - whats on in the inside
Step 6:
Are you willing to have these defects removed? Write down any reservations to having these defects of character removed.
Yes I really think I am ready - I was a little reluctant to accept that I have T on a pedestal which to me says there is a reluctance to let go of something. But there is something I have her on that means I am fearful around her. When friendship is just easy then I have nothing to fear. I would like to be just chilled around her and already do this morning - interesting. If she likes me it's because of me and that doesn't mean I need her hanging round my neck. Freedom - well a little anyway.
I want to be free of fear and jealousy and pride and dishonesty. I want to be free of these things.
Reservations - ? It's impossible that I will never be able to be free because I am not spiritually and emotionally intelligent enough. This is not helpful thinking. Trust.
Reservations- the pedestal thing. Pride stopped me wanting to own that this was taking place. Excessive admiration - perhaps there's someting in T I cnsider lacking in myself - her independence and lack of neediness for one.
I don't know what my resevrations are - perhaps that will become more evident as I practice being different. Please God help me to be aware if it is t be.
Step 7:
a written handover of your defects – a prayer, letter, declaration
Dear God I handover to you my defects of jealousy, envy, pride, dishonesty, fear and insecurity. I give them to you to show me how to remove them and then how not to claw them back at the first sign of dificulty. I hand over the dishonesty with a view to you showing me how to be more honest. This is a biggy for me I feel. Also I handover to you the high regard I hold for others which often turns out to be high expectations and then let down.
Thank you for showing me these sortcomings, being gentle on me only taking them when I am ready to see them and hand them over to you. Please show me how to go forward without them.
Amen
Step 8:
Note all the people that have been harmed by this resentment/fear based behaviours: (including you)
Me me and me - emotionally spiritually and financially.
The relationship between T and I but probably without her even knowing actually.
Step 9:
Write down a sentence of an amend that needs to be made.
I am sorry for not being able to be honest and speak out for my needs to be voiced and for being needy of another person which is damaging my very sense of worth. I am sorry for putting someone on a pedestal and therefore comparing resulting in despairing. We are al equal. Sorry for the stress and agst this evokes, when actually I can feel the calm which is always available. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking with things.
Step 10:
continue to monitor behaviour each day (i.e. go back over step 4 and step 9 to remind yourself of only focusing on you)
Phone call to E today - asking for help. This is good and supportive and reminded of the ease of friendship that I'd like to be offering to T.
I asked if we could speak with cost - we tried the various free devices until they didn't work and then E phoned me. At her cost even though I brought this to her attention she made a choice.
Step 11:
How can prayer and meditation help? Consciously go beyond the initial ‘problem’ and look for a will greater than yours.
I'm not sure what thies mean to go beyond the problem. Does this mean think about what drives this behaviours and attitudes. When I do that I feel a mix of anger and sadness. I have not learnt somehow these things and the neediness I am sure derives from absent parents from when I was far too young to be alone. I was always chasing my mum. I think when she walked out on one occasion I was so scared and upset and she left me with my dad who is emotionally absent - even more so back then. All these things contribute along with other encounters in my life. Some tools of security seemed to go awry. And I have forged full steam ahead too - relationship after relationship always resulting in me being alone, friendships ruined by unconscious acts. All leaves me very scared that it will continue.
So Prayer eables me to seek support and just be close to God and then some serenity and trust trickles ove me - and I can feel alll ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Meditation - well enables me to sit quietly with these things and certainly know that in this moment nothing is "wrong". I can regain strength and often know what I need to do. As I do with JC (another story). Meditation slows everything up and creates time for contemplation. My quiet time I will take during today sometime.
Step 12:
write down how it helps to carry the message through service work with others. What does carrying the message do for you and others in recovery?
Carrying the message usually reinforces what I need to do - the next best thing. It also shows me achievements I've made, changes, development.
I am not sharing at meetigns right now but I can share with FA people when I call out without having to discuss the detail but that there is clarity and also effort I am making in difficult situations large or smaller.
I show up at the moment. I make calls and receive calls. I share my experiences. It's all reinforcing and giving back too. I get to reinforce by giving a little away
Anyhow whilst I wait for my friend to call me so that I can move on from Step 5 I will continue writing.
I was very pleased with myself as I felt rivalry and jealousy rising in me. When T just wanted to get to B our shared sponsor I felt scratchy. I also felt jealous of her skinniness. I am learning that compareeerrrr eerrrr scratchiness manifesting.I hope that T's exercise regime and eating healthily resolves the problem and the ageing processes I am noticing are at times distressing. There have been times I am overwhelmed with them and can feel immense loss. So I do not wish anything like that on T in any way. She is my friend and I am delighted for her to be looking so good. I am for all the fellow FAers I've met. They are looking and sounding beautiful inside and out and I want that for anyone. I don't like the thinking I have. Awareness is 50% of the journey and please God help me to remove myself from this nastiness. Thank you if it is your will.
Anyway I did step back from my rivalry and felt warm and love as T was able to connect in person with B. She has been on the periphery and this was an opportunity to get close and personal. I hope she is not jealous of me in any way as the situation with A and C all those years ago was horrid in the end. I do not want that situation.
C was already A's sponsee. I did ask her if she minded me asking A to sponsor me and I became the golden girl. I worked at it and probably, no I certainly did manipulate it - I had more time and space for A. I turned her into a sort of surrogate mother really. And I was her top fledgling as she called us all. Yuch now that makes my skin crawl. It did at the time but to feel loved was more important. I would tolerate all that slushy rubbish to feel adored and special to someone. But C is a very jealous person and wow how to watch out for someone scorned. I was scorned by her being knocked out of potential position. I watched C's attempts at manipulation but she was never able to knock me out of place until .......
I did something A disapproved of. A told C that this was all related to my step 4 and conduct in connection with relationships. I was horrified that she even dared mention anything of my step 4. That is sacrosanct privacy. C told me as if doing me a favour. She wanted me to know and then all hell let loose. I confronted A saying that I didn't feel I could trust her at which point she told me to leave her house. I undoubtedly have an amends to make but more for my codependent behaviour with her in the first place. And with C too now doubt. I hope I remember to bring this up in my AWOL when I start in April. 12 noon every Sunday from 12th April. Excellent. I am excited just to be getting going on this without really knowing what it's about. B suggested not putting too much expectation on it as her first AWOL didn't seem anything special at all.
I wonder if T will be on this too. It will be interesting as I can see a pattern of behaviour here for me. I get jealous and want to be number 1. I felt it with A and M too. Just letting people be and being able to be confident that I am OK too is a real blessing that I am seeing and beginning to practise once again. And trust that if its not OK for others that is their issue. I will be OK whatever happens so long as I continue to weigh and measure my foods. I do not want any repeat of animosity etc that I experienced then and still do from A and C. Which of course was further deepened because S and I had split up and they were a little cohort against me or that's how it has felt. I know C could be poisonous, I regularly heard A's venomous words and S's too. Wow they were all very similar in that way. Gosh and they also didn't follow the suggestions entirely either. Hmmm that's interesting. T is but also I have a fear that she won't, that her feelings will push her away and I wonder if that's me projecting that past situation onto her or if I am sensing something. M too has pulled away and is very driven by the crazy thinking not getting the balance from the distortion that comes with working a programme. Hmmmm very interesting.
Fear is there for certain. I don't want to be in any way involved in anything similar and so please God help me to remove my part in this - jealousy, manipulation, neediness and anything else I am as yet unaware of. Oh dishonesty will be in there. Yuch it feels ugly in me. I feel an urgency yet I know it will all be in God's time. There we go again with the caps!
Anyway - lunch was lovely, chatting, laughing, sharing. B mentioned this morning how funny and at ease she saw me and I said I am a bit of a social buffoon. I was clumsy when C joined three of us and I was chatting to J. She is an actress - in theatre and said that she doesn't do it for the money. She is classically beautiful. Like something out of a painting. I wonder if she has ancestry in blue bloods. Australian she went to Paris to study. She met her husband, Portuguese and now they live in Portugal together in their own theatre. It's so romantic in my mid. Showboat comes to mind, love, fun, poverty but not caring about that as they are following their passion and in love. I found it strange seeing her stop C's hand tapping. I am sure it was as a reminder to calm but it seemed to me quite controlling. I am sure it was meant and received with good will. I am seeing good will and letting go. I think - please God?
As I walked T to the bus stop it felt strange - her in London and yet us parting ways. It was good for me though. Letting go. Thank you God. She is busy and wanting to do her own thing. She has said before that she goes to the galleries and does her own thing. She is whizzing around so many too. I wouldn't want to see so much in one go. I want to absorb.
I went off to meet J (old school friend). She had mentioned before that she would like some cultural experiences - theatre, gallery, etc. So we met at Tate Modern and I had planned that we would visit the 5th floor permanent exhibition State of Flux.
I feel good that I stuck with my commitment to J as I have opted out on a few arrangements before noe. I was reliable - she is too.
Bliss
xx
Funny it is - how I do not want to use the word God for fear of being thought of as religious. I use the word God as a three letter word that can very simply encompass the complexity of what my Higer Power is. I use capital letters because ....? I don't know. Is it to signify the utter importance of God in my life today or because it's a fear based conform. I'm not sure. Superstition I think rather than importance. I will stop bothering as a capital letter is of absolute no consequence comapred to the epth of meaning and trust I have for today.
Thank you god for the trust I have in you today.
I set off with the sun rising ...... I stopped en route because of the colours in the sky.
I was disappointed the other day to have missed the meteorite shower - supposed to have been happening at 7 am. I pulled over and nothing other than the twinkling flasshes of planes flying straight to an airport somewhere. However I am so grateful to have the light shows on a regular basis morning and evening. And because I'm in the countryside I can really see them if you know what I mean.
I was also grateful to Vodafone this morning. Second time in a month so this is very encouraging about service standards ..... the signal is intermittent. More off than on. I wondered if the recent high winds have damaged the most local mast or something. Anyway whilst walking LouLou around the village the signal was more consistent so I called Vodafone explaining the situation. I was informed that the strength of songal in this area is not good, 2G as opposed to 3G. So the gentleman dealing with my enquiry said he would send me out a some sort of device, he named it but I didn;t take much notice. He said it's usually at a cost of £30 but he was providing this free of charge. I am very thankful for this great solution idea. I hope it resolves the issue as suggested, when it arrives. A couple of weeks a go a very helpful Vodafone gentleman offered me 1000 free landline minutes just for this month. A very nice Christmas present. And then I go an blow it all by calling T back and back and back charging up goodness know what costs as her phone is a Norway number. I was a little resentful actually that I was helping her, to which she was in a stressful situation and never once called me. That's my over helpfulness - I can let it go an maybe learn from this something. If I apply a step exercise to the situation .... hmmm well let's see.....
step 1:
Write down all ways in which you are powerless, and how acting out/focusing on the situation/person makes your life unmanageable.
Well I am powerless over whether T likes me for me or not. If she decides she doesn't and wants to move away from the friendship then I am powerless over that. I also cannot make her like me more or behave differently and more connected. Focusing on trying to make contact happen or more togetherness just leaves me feeling frustrated and also rejected. I feel silly too and needy which erodes away at my self esteem. And of course a lack of self esteem can trigger all sorts of more needy behaviour, a spiral downwards and not good for my psyche generally. Yesterday I ended up making expensive phone calls that I cannot afford to try and ease her stress that she wouldn't blame me and reject me and yet I felt cross too that she seemed to be stressed at me and blaming me for her predicament. And then hardly grateful at all that I had helped her. I was then thinking she was selfish and angry with her. But I said nothing at all. I will add that gradually that diminished - I was not needy at all and in fact was able to step back and just be myself, happy and carefree. Otherwise when my jealousy started rising, coupled with the resentment I was feeling, I would have found ways to dislike her all together. There was a lot I did let go of and by stepping back from jealousy I felt warmth and love. So it was not all bad but I think that is to counter what I did feel about this expensive phone call I have costed myself. And I know she has a lot more money than I do.
Step 2:
Write down any ways in which you think a HP could restore you to sanity on this issue. What does sanity/freedom look like? What help would you like?
Sanity fo freedom looks like, letting go with love and not blaming T. Being able to know that her stress and what seemed like blame is her issue. Sanity and freedom also looks like me knowing that I was doing my best beause I could and wanted to even at a cost, I wanted to help my friend out of her predicament. How my HP can work is by helping me to let go, and has already helped by letting me look at things from a slightly broader perspective already. Also helping me to find the way to say on another occasion can you call me as I cannot afford all the costs and if that meant she decided to do something else instead - well then be able to let that be. Trusting in my HP that all things are OK even if T then decided to abandon me. I think she was close to giving up in her stressful anger. I would love to be able to talk to her about the whole situation and understand the communication thing. HP if that's possible please show me the way as I instantly feel fear contemplating raising the matter. I chose to call back and not say anything, it would just have been nice if she had offered but she didn't.
Step 3:
Write down how turning it over to this HP is essential. (perhaps you can write a prayer, a declaration, a letter, whatever feels appropriate)
Well as there seem as always to be interconnected matters I can make it very complex indeed and so I need to turn it all over to my HP in the first instance to keep things simple. Stop analysing. I don't honestly know if raising the matter is necessary or not, it would be purely for selfish reasons and perhaps it would be better to discuss it with someone else - sponsor first. I will. And turning over the neediness is essential because then it is possible I will be able to be more boundaried and find the balance between generosity from my soul but looking after my own best interest at the same time.
Dear God, please help to know and understand what is the best thing to do, thy will be done. Amen.
Step 4:
Write down your part – your behaviour – what patterns/habits/feelings are involved:
pride, fear, shame, selfishness, dishonesty.....
Wanting to be helpful driven by friendship but also neediness of friendship in return. If I do something good for this person they will like me. With T never feel I can fully trust the friendship ie although we are in contact, I don't feel her total commitment to the friendship and I am afraid she will leave the friendship. Therefore I go over the top even though I am doing things I would generally offer to do anyway just to be helpful. There is a motive more than altruism. I want to feel secure and trusting becaue then I'm OK. I would add that there was of course altruism too as I do care and wanted to be helpful.
Fear and insecurity type fear too which manifests as neediness, self-centredness, dishonesty in the form of saying what I'd like ie call me back. There are probably more but need some input from outside from someone I trust.
Oh jealousy - I did all that and then she ignores me and puts more importance on B and not only that she is thinner than me!! Envy? Jealousy? I am never sure which and then that minfests as me thinking scratchy thoughts about the things that aren't so perfect ha ha - yet I dislike that about my thinking. Thank my HP for showing me to put that aside.
Step 5:
Share this with another human being.
I will share this with someone before I go on...... who? L comes to mind since it is she who shared hers recently with me. And I would like to try and do this following the suggestions rather than taking my usual short cuts. Oh or A too ...
Learning that all my shortcomings are based in fear.
Do I have T on a pedestal? There are times when I'm at ease with T and other times I feel unsure around her.
I let myself down by not asking her to call me back - pride.
Friends are friends with me because they want to be in their way - trust them. Trust my HP my friendship is what is.
Lonely. Drives my fear. I can be uncomfortable being alone.
Perfectionism - high expectaions on others - not allowing a person to be themselves.
get let down disappointed. Set myself up to have to be perfect for everyones needs rather than Am i enough?
Its not what's on the outside - whats on in the inside
Step 6:
Are you willing to have these defects removed? Write down any reservations to having these defects of character removed.
Yes I really think I am ready - I was a little reluctant to accept that I have T on a pedestal which to me says there is a reluctance to let go of something. But there is something I have her on that means I am fearful around her. When friendship is just easy then I have nothing to fear. I would like to be just chilled around her and already do this morning - interesting. If she likes me it's because of me and that doesn't mean I need her hanging round my neck. Freedom - well a little anyway.
I want to be free of fear and jealousy and pride and dishonesty. I want to be free of these things.
Reservations - ? It's impossible that I will never be able to be free because I am not spiritually and emotionally intelligent enough. This is not helpful thinking. Trust.
Reservations- the pedestal thing. Pride stopped me wanting to own that this was taking place. Excessive admiration - perhaps there's someting in T I cnsider lacking in myself - her independence and lack of neediness for one.
I don't know what my resevrations are - perhaps that will become more evident as I practice being different. Please God help me to be aware if it is t be.
Step 7:
a written handover of your defects – a prayer, letter, declaration
Dear God I handover to you my defects of jealousy, envy, pride, dishonesty, fear and insecurity. I give them to you to show me how to remove them and then how not to claw them back at the first sign of dificulty. I hand over the dishonesty with a view to you showing me how to be more honest. This is a biggy for me I feel. Also I handover to you the high regard I hold for others which often turns out to be high expectations and then let down.
Thank you for showing me these sortcomings, being gentle on me only taking them when I am ready to see them and hand them over to you. Please show me how to go forward without them.
Amen
Step 8:
Note all the people that have been harmed by this resentment/fear based behaviours: (including you)
Me me and me - emotionally spiritually and financially.
The relationship between T and I but probably without her even knowing actually.
Step 9:
Write down a sentence of an amend that needs to be made.
I am sorry for not being able to be honest and speak out for my needs to be voiced and for being needy of another person which is damaging my very sense of worth. I am sorry for putting someone on a pedestal and therefore comparing resulting in despairing. We are al equal. Sorry for the stress and agst this evokes, when actually I can feel the calm which is always available. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking with things.
Step 10:
continue to monitor behaviour each day (i.e. go back over step 4 and step 9 to remind yourself of only focusing on you)
Phone call to E today - asking for help. This is good and supportive and reminded of the ease of friendship that I'd like to be offering to T.
I asked if we could speak with cost - we tried the various free devices until they didn't work and then E phoned me. At her cost even though I brought this to her attention she made a choice.
Step 11:
How can prayer and meditation help? Consciously go beyond the initial ‘problem’ and look for a will greater than yours.
I'm not sure what thies mean to go beyond the problem. Does this mean think about what drives this behaviours and attitudes. When I do that I feel a mix of anger and sadness. I have not learnt somehow these things and the neediness I am sure derives from absent parents from when I was far too young to be alone. I was always chasing my mum. I think when she walked out on one occasion I was so scared and upset and she left me with my dad who is emotionally absent - even more so back then. All these things contribute along with other encounters in my life. Some tools of security seemed to go awry. And I have forged full steam ahead too - relationship after relationship always resulting in me being alone, friendships ruined by unconscious acts. All leaves me very scared that it will continue.
So Prayer eables me to seek support and just be close to God and then some serenity and trust trickles ove me - and I can feel alll ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Meditation - well enables me to sit quietly with these things and certainly know that in this moment nothing is "wrong". I can regain strength and often know what I need to do. As I do with JC (another story). Meditation slows everything up and creates time for contemplation. My quiet time I will take during today sometime.
Step 12:
write down how it helps to carry the message through service work with others. What does carrying the message do for you and others in recovery?
Carrying the message usually reinforces what I need to do - the next best thing. It also shows me achievements I've made, changes, development.
I am not sharing at meetigns right now but I can share with FA people when I call out without having to discuss the detail but that there is clarity and also effort I am making in difficult situations large or smaller.
I show up at the moment. I make calls and receive calls. I share my experiences. It's all reinforcing and giving back too. I get to reinforce by giving a little away
Anyhow whilst I wait for my friend to call me so that I can move on from Step 5 I will continue writing.
I was very pleased with myself as I felt rivalry and jealousy rising in me. When T just wanted to get to B our shared sponsor I felt scratchy. I also felt jealous of her skinniness. I am learning that compareeerrrr eerrrr scratchiness manifesting.I hope that T's exercise regime and eating healthily resolves the problem and the ageing processes I am noticing are at times distressing. There have been times I am overwhelmed with them and can feel immense loss. So I do not wish anything like that on T in any way. She is my friend and I am delighted for her to be looking so good. I am for all the fellow FAers I've met. They are looking and sounding beautiful inside and out and I want that for anyone. I don't like the thinking I have. Awareness is 50% of the journey and please God help me to remove myself from this nastiness. Thank you if it is your will.
Anyway I did step back from my rivalry and felt warm and love as T was able to connect in person with B. She has been on the periphery and this was an opportunity to get close and personal. I hope she is not jealous of me in any way as the situation with A and C all those years ago was horrid in the end. I do not want that situation.
C was already A's sponsee. I did ask her if she minded me asking A to sponsor me and I became the golden girl. I worked at it and probably, no I certainly did manipulate it - I had more time and space for A. I turned her into a sort of surrogate mother really. And I was her top fledgling as she called us all. Yuch now that makes my skin crawl. It did at the time but to feel loved was more important. I would tolerate all that slushy rubbish to feel adored and special to someone. But C is a very jealous person and wow how to watch out for someone scorned. I was scorned by her being knocked out of potential position. I watched C's attempts at manipulation but she was never able to knock me out of place until .......
I did something A disapproved of. A told C that this was all related to my step 4 and conduct in connection with relationships. I was horrified that she even dared mention anything of my step 4. That is sacrosanct privacy. C told me as if doing me a favour. She wanted me to know and then all hell let loose. I confronted A saying that I didn't feel I could trust her at which point she told me to leave her house. I undoubtedly have an amends to make but more for my codependent behaviour with her in the first place. And with C too now doubt. I hope I remember to bring this up in my AWOL when I start in April. 12 noon every Sunday from 12th April. Excellent. I am excited just to be getting going on this without really knowing what it's about. B suggested not putting too much expectation on it as her first AWOL didn't seem anything special at all.
I wonder if T will be on this too. It will be interesting as I can see a pattern of behaviour here for me. I get jealous and want to be number 1. I felt it with A and M too. Just letting people be and being able to be confident that I am OK too is a real blessing that I am seeing and beginning to practise once again. And trust that if its not OK for others that is their issue. I will be OK whatever happens so long as I continue to weigh and measure my foods. I do not want any repeat of animosity etc that I experienced then and still do from A and C. Which of course was further deepened because S and I had split up and they were a little cohort against me or that's how it has felt. I know C could be poisonous, I regularly heard A's venomous words and S's too. Wow they were all very similar in that way. Gosh and they also didn't follow the suggestions entirely either. Hmmm that's interesting. T is but also I have a fear that she won't, that her feelings will push her away and I wonder if that's me projecting that past situation onto her or if I am sensing something. M too has pulled away and is very driven by the crazy thinking not getting the balance from the distortion that comes with working a programme. Hmmmm very interesting.
Fear is there for certain. I don't want to be in any way involved in anything similar and so please God help me to remove my part in this - jealousy, manipulation, neediness and anything else I am as yet unaware of. Oh dishonesty will be in there. Yuch it feels ugly in me. I feel an urgency yet I know it will all be in God's time. There we go again with the caps!
Anyway - lunch was lovely, chatting, laughing, sharing. B mentioned this morning how funny and at ease she saw me and I said I am a bit of a social buffoon. I was clumsy when C joined three of us and I was chatting to J. She is an actress - in theatre and said that she doesn't do it for the money. She is classically beautiful. Like something out of a painting. I wonder if she has ancestry in blue bloods. Australian she went to Paris to study. She met her husband, Portuguese and now they live in Portugal together in their own theatre. It's so romantic in my mid. Showboat comes to mind, love, fun, poverty but not caring about that as they are following their passion and in love. I found it strange seeing her stop C's hand tapping. I am sure it was as a reminder to calm but it seemed to me quite controlling. I am sure it was meant and received with good will. I am seeing good will and letting go. I think - please God?
As I walked T to the bus stop it felt strange - her in London and yet us parting ways. It was good for me though. Letting go. Thank you God. She is busy and wanting to do her own thing. She has said before that she goes to the galleries and does her own thing. She is whizzing around so many too. I wouldn't want to see so much in one go. I want to absorb.
I went off to meet J (old school friend). She had mentioned before that she would like some cultural experiences - theatre, gallery, etc. So we met at Tate Modern and I had planned that we would visit the 5th floor permanent exhibition State of Flux.
I feel good that I stuck with my commitment to J as I have opted out on a few arrangements before noe. I was reliable - she is too.
The central space of this wing is devoted to the early twentieth-century movements Cubism, Futurism and Vorticism. These avant-garde artists broke with traditional ideas of picture making, seeking a more dynamic and fractured visual language to represent the complex reality of modern life and the machine age. Surrounding displays show how these developments influenced experimental film, photography and design, sometimes with a more pointed political agenda. Another room shows the post-Impressionist art from which the younger generation were breaking away. Cubist innovations such as collage were central to the emergence of Pop Art which combined high and low culture, art and commerce into forceful, celebratory and sometimes critical visions of the post-war consumer era. More recently, techniques such as collage, appropriation and assemblage have been reinvented and transformed by younger artists to reflect the multi-layered texture of urban life. New digital technologies have enabled contemporary artists to adopt methods of sampling, mixing and montaging associated with alternative music and club cultures.
It was interesting, being in a period of time with new movements developing and the influences later on. Whilst the pop art of Licthenstein was amazingly powerful, I appreciated it for it's message and for the enormous amount of work and yet didn't like it for it's appearance too. That's so difficult for me to clearly put into words. It was high impact - Wham! The emotion of it when I stopped properly to consider what I was looking at, was powerful. But the stark presentation is not terribly appealing. It's comic strip which I recognise as a incredible talent but I wouldn't want it on my wall for example. I am glad to be able to see it in a gallery and appreciate it for what it is. However the sculpture was more appealing. It looked like a powerful robotic type man. Great big chunk of heavy metal, jagged edges yet smooth rounded tactile as well. Striking -
| Umberto Boccioni & Roy Lichtenstein (Room 1) | ||
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Actually I cannot be bothered to write about the whole experience and instead enjoy as one had with memories now. I loved the Bauhaus photography. I truly did love that and would want to own some of those photos. I was fun too spending time with J and hearing her impression of what she saw. I passed onto her what A passed onto me - look at the works and see what you like and what you don't. Gradually I have developed more and more with a sense of yep being OK with liking what I like yet open minded to the things I don't like. A has been an education for me and I truly appreciate that. Amongst a few others too.
Bliss
xx
