Flying nuns

Would you believe, Bliss, that here, in the unseen, just a breath away from "there," in time and space, we have gardens with such sweet fragrances they actually caress passersby? That we have melodies so rich you can actually see them dancing through the air? And colors so exquisite they tickle all of your senses?




That there are planets where everyone knows each other's names? Where flying comes naturally to all? And some have moons that hum lullabies each night?



Yet as spectacular as the infinite choices are, would you further believe that there's still quite a queue, several moonbeams long, to get back "there"? Where for every heart beating, there's a legend in the making.



You have no idea.

"NEXT!"

The Universe

The Tide That Left and Never Came Back

I stole that titel from a song title. Not keen on the song but love this line ....

I have a memory like this . I can not for example keep in mind Astor Piazola. I love his music. Tango.
A dance of passion - the push and pull of love and life.
My love and Master JH talks about us dancing this dance.  I feel that as we weave together and step asde and follow and encourage and engage then falter or differ. Wow it's intricate and special.
I feel that passion through my essence.

More to write
Got to go - collecting my new Iphone - exciting!
Oh and calling my lovely lovely friend L

Everybody, Anybody, Somebody, Nobody

There was a most important job that needed to be done,
And no reason NOT to do it, there was absolutely none.


But in vital matters such as this the thing you have to ask,
is WHO exactly will it be who’ll carry out this task.


ANYBODY could have told you that EVERYBODY knew,
that this was something SOMEBODY would surely have to do.


NOBODY was unwilling, ANYBODY had the ability,
but NOBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.


It seemed to be a job that ANYBODY could have done,
If ANYBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.


But since EVERYBODY recognized that ANYBODY could,
EVERYBODY took for granted that SOMEBODY would.


But NOBODY told ANYBODY that we are aware of,
That he would be in charge of seeing it was taken care of.


And NOBODY took it on himself to follow through and DO,
What EVERYBODY thought that SOMEBODY would do.


When what EVERYBODY needs so did not get done at all,
EVERYBODY was complaining that SOMEBODY dropped the ball.


ANYBODY then could see it was an awful crying shame,
And EVERYBODY looked around for SOMEBODY to blame.


SOMEBODY should have done the job and EVERYBODY would have,
But in the end NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have


I just thought of this when thinking about ego - my ego! How at times still it is so important to be a somebody
It's also ironic that I write away here or journal ling. Sometimes going around in circles. Rambling on in my attempt to understand or see sense. Just to get things on paper lest I should forget.
Then there are times these days when just through stopping and thinking things through I get some clarity on me and my process - but by the time I come to write it, I can so clearly see the result of the journey that I have no clear vision of the steps taken and the clouds at the time.
Ironic.
Oh I think last night I was bitten by a spider. I felt a real sting in my knee. This was in bed!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Beginning to sound like a horror film.
Anyhow I noticed this stinging sensation in my knee (under the duvet). I rubbed it. I was stinging through the evening. And today it's been irritating. When I touch my knee it feels sort of damp weirdly. And the sensation is more like a nettle sting. I pulled back my duvet this evening and there was a really crumpled up dead spider. YUch yuch yuch yuch yuch yuch!!!! Got the eeeby jeeeebies just writing that. It reminds me of my horror feelings when at aged 7 I woke up with an itch across my face only to discover a beetle or a spider crawling off me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaRGH!
So studying my knee more carefully I notice that there is a central bite or reddish bump - not big and then around that little bumps like a nettle sting. It feels itchy but when I touch it it is sore and this sort of wet feel to it.

This is not the point of my writing just an aside that is full of eeby jeeby feelings and pain.

Yesterday - the outcome was that I realised that I needed to adjust the ways in which I was attempting to "manage" a colleague who I was finding particularly annoying. Before I got to this point I have felt very very annoyed with her. Judging her as lazy, and generally slow on the uptake.
How I see this now as I am writing it of course is with the knowledge of hindsight and self exploration but not how I was seeing things in the early stages. I am finding it difficult to write this pretending I am in the ignorance of the events. I want to record it however as a reminder.

The day of the presentation. I was very tired too after another late night speaking about painful matters with my love and Master JH. So different situations were being translated into a feeling of stress an d everything seemed to have an urgency for me.
The personal situation and ongoing questions in my head. A late night and little sleep following that anyway. First day of Peter being on holiday and the sense of wanting to do a good job but the fear of failure. The fast approaching presentation. A busy day anyway with the normal schedule. Demands from different departments within the hospital. New clients arriving and needing inductions etc.
With peter being on holiday I felt the very real presence of a disorganised pile of things to be done and the horrid feeling I get when I am not sure what is in the pile. I start reading through and organising different piles with the intention of prioritising and then each one looks like a quick and simple priority so I end up trying to do several things at once but doing none and now have several unsorted piles. Grrrrrrr.
I was also wanting some time to go through the slides and make sure I knew the points I wanted to make with each slide. But every time I stopped to think, I had the P pile spreading across my desk, phone calls coming in and staff to organise. Plus I started feeling codependently about needing them to deal with all the client group work. BUT THEN ....... der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
AW got all huffy and puffy and repeating how busy it was and umming and ahhhing - sigh sigh sigh at every little thing that needed to be done!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr. I started getting more than irritated. I was beginning to stew - just a light bubbling under the surface but could feel it developing. Tiredness and stress, anxiety and disorganisation all mixing nicely and now anger too.
I displayed my intolerance and patience I think. I am not sure how now but I kept trying to check myself so that my attitude did not show too much.
Actually I can feel it right now. There were simple things to do that are done for every client but AW was tutting and commenting on how she would try but she is so busy. I was thinking yes and so am i and about 10 times as much as you are you lazy moo. I just get irritated because she has been there about 3 centuries and still I know more than her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I asked her to be the keyworker for a client and she tutted and protested so much. I just tried to hold my tongue. She is so flipping selfish. It's all about her and how busy she is. Actually she checks herself a little now saying "and I know we are all busy". I don't get it really. She wants the tempo to be slow and easy all of the time and is not prepared to up the pace at all when it gets busier again. I find this lazy and selfish. She will do no more than she ever has done even though everyone else will then have to be working harder. Then I think well maybe she has it right. She works at an even pace and is boundaried with her time management. But she will not give anything that little bit extra. Plus it's not just extra she doesn't do. She moans about the basic procedures. She will give nothing!!!
See how angry I am about this tee hee - laughing at myself now. And there I was thinking I was all serene and spiritual and on the other side of self awareness HA!!
However, when a little later I went with almost finding a solution to the keyworker problem so that I made it easy for her, she had had a re-think and so was able to manage after all. I think sometimes she thinks things will be worse than they actually are. Oh and flipping astonishing that with all this steady work pace I do not see a healthy being. I think she has a lot of ways in which she avoids dealing with her issues. She is not in the least bit serene. Wow! There's a judgement.
So blah de blah! It went on like this until finally I was in the car on the way to the presentation. I knew that I needed to clear the manic morning out of my head if I was going to be able to focus on the presentation.
So I started with all of the above. And then I started thinking of how fearful AW seems to be. I don;t know if this is the case and I feel certain but of course cannot be, that she would never own fear about what has to be done. The computer, her ongoing uncertainty about procedures oh and so on and so on. The detail is irrelevant now. Whatever is going on she does not want to bu pushed or stretched at all. There is no team work attitude in this of course because she will happily continue like this regardless of the how the rest of the team get stretched.
So by stopping and identifying my anger and my thoughts I started to step aside from it. I could see fear and avoidance as a result (as I have mentioned). And I could see also how my various stresses were meaning that I wanted everyone to speed up and work at my pace, be efficient, take responsibility, be a part of making it all run smoothly (contributing to my own fear of failing and wanting everything to run smoothly under my management - yes I now ego, self importance, selfishness too), and so on. I am sure there were more motives and intentions driving me but these are the ones in my mind at this moment.
The more I thought about the entire thing the more I realised that actually (surprise, surprise) I can have all these opinions and frustrations but I cannot change AW. What I do have instead is a familiar pattern with her. Things like computers, extra workloads, working systems throw her. I still think she has a lazy tendency by the way.
So rather than leave her out of the loop to avoid all my resentment and get the job done properly by someone else who can pull out the stops, I need to find a different way of managing her. Now I am not her manager of course so have no rights as such. But I am asked to oversee the entire operation in P's absence.
Oh and that unequal treatment I mentioned just above was a common problem I had throughout my management - avoiding utilising the lazy incompetent one/s which meant the very abled were more pressurised as they took n more work. So unfair of me. Bad management. It happens a lot of course but not good management nonetheless.

Accepting Aw as she is is the first stage of then finding out how I can change around her - and so the initial realistion that I need to adjust so that I can find ways to help her get the work done without shifting too much onto others.
So today ? Got straight back into the grrrrrrr's. She grumped about the office a bit. sighing huffily often. But she did get on with some of the things that she had been reluctant to do. I didn't adjust myself much but I can see why - once again I had piles of work and so stressing about getting my workloads sorted so that i can feel calmer to then support her. Interesting - not sure how to balance this yet.
I don't know why I am trying so hard to improve this as I do no ever ever ever want to be a manager again on a full time basis.
Now this brings me onto another issue with myself. I am moaning a lot about how busy I am and how I don;t want this post or rather I would like to use it to negotiate and increase etc etc etc - moan moan moan.
BUT
Flipping EGO - how I dislike ego. It's all ego talking.
The moaning gives me a chance to let people know that I am so so valued that "they" want me to be the stand in manager. Yuch I am hating owning this.
It makes me important and valued and a somebody.
Universe please help me to be OK being another bod on the bus and not needing to peacock myself around.
I am OK as I am. I can do my best to help manage the office in P's absence. I do not do it alone. S is a real help and I miss her when she is not in - like today. I do not acknowledge that to others enough in case they do not think I am actually as capable as I want them to think I am.
J and A are of course doing their job too. We all have a huge input in different ways and have different values that are making it all work.
I do not need to be THE one and everyone else just does it because of ME.

So anyway - I want to remember to thank each and every person for specifics that they do. I want to be able to support anyone to do things they need to be doing even when they are finding it difficult. That does not mean doing it myself and moaning about it or delegating it to someone else - it means finding ways to make it possible for them to undertake their responsibilities.

I would like to find ways of stopping acting out on my intolerances and impatience and be level and equal with everyone.
The funny thing about ego driving the day is that any compliments that do come in, I internally have to disregard because actually I am lacking in any self worth when ego is at play. Ego actually falsifies me into grandiosity so making compliments unbelievable. Not sure how else to word that to make sense of it.

Anyway, I do work with a very talented group of people. Really each and everyone brings something to the team. AW to me and this just a personal opinion contributes the least to me on a professional basis. But on a personal basis, I think she is a very lovely lady. I think she has a lot of issues that she implies are dealt with. But in my opinion which can very often be wrong, she has issues that leave her afraid of the world in many ways. She seems to have this need to let everyone know what is GREAT in her life. She has led a very interesting and adventurous life but she can never let anyone have their moment of glory. She always has to take it away talking about herself. It suggests to me some degree of insecurity - it's not just relating or even acknowledging - it's all about her. Its very damned irritating for me yet I can recognise the need and therefore wonder what is really driving this for her. And then I feel compassion for her. I wish I had the courage to feed this back. I have attempted to say how I feel about other situations in the past but she is very very fragile and still even a year later refers back to such moments and I can hear how she thinks she is being judged and wants to prove she is right.
Ugh that need to be right - listen to me!!!!!! I suspect everyone at times would like to be right as this helps build confidence apparently.
However I do not need to be right to be an OK person. Actually the less right I am the more teachable I can keep myself.
So tomorrow Universe please can you help me with all of this.

from another bod on the bus of Bliss

Dreams

Do you know what you've been doing lately in your nightly dreams, Bliss?




No, no. Not the "naked hula hoop" dreams - are you kidding?! I'd never put those in print!



You've been reaching, helping, and bridging; teaching, guiding, and comforting; lighting, showing, and paving; reaching thousands upon thousands when you count the infinite ripple thing.



Yep, you're beginning to have the same profound effect here, as you've been having on Earth.

Thanks,

The Universe
 
Well Universe - not sure I see me in this one
x

A million tiny pieces

If suddenly and without warning, Bliss, you had absolutely nothing to worry about, do you know what the world would begin to look like?


Un-huh, exactly the same as it does right now.

Alright, if suddenly you had absolutely nothing to be afraid of, do you know what you'd begin to look like right now?

Yeah, cool as ever.

OK, OK. If suddenly you had absolutely no expectations to live up to and no one to disappoint, do you know how free you'd suddenly be?

Yeah, same, same.

Get it? The only thing that would really change is your thoughts. And you don't need circumstances or other people to help you with that, do you?

I say it's time to blow the lid off this popsicle stand -

The Universe
 
Well this last week has been difficult for me. I discovered through a semi innocent act that my love and my Master had deceived me. It was awful on all sorts of levels.
Firstly the way in which I knew was through my own undercover act. I was on SL as a new an unidentified avatar - Lace Foxglove. Good name huh? I created her to enter the D/s sites not as PR - I had no intention of involving myself with anyone but rather to ask questions as an unknown about how to be a better slave to my Master. I met a man CA. I asked him if he was a Master and if he would tell me about this. He invited me to sit at his feet. As he started telling me I realised that it was my Master. It was as if someone put a stake through my heart.
I suddenly did not know what to do. There he was sending me messages on my mobile and Skype saying he was busy working and would be x number of minutes longer and yet chatting freely with Lace. Yes he said that he had a slave in RL and in Sl and this slave he loved. In my deceit I was asking leading questions in my realisation that my Master and my love was deceiving me. I thought I would find out how far he would go. I was hating myself for it. Wanted to reveal my real identity but felt terrified and then painfully curious to see what his intentions might be. I was so heart broken that he did not keep Lace completely away and even invited her to write an application to be his slave.
Now as I read this I expect anyone would be saying I suppose you have broken off this relationship now then?
The hurt is two-fold. One that my Master was not clearly boundaried with another woman. Even though he says to me he wants only monogamy the message would not be clear to a woman interested in him. It is my opinion this is very inviting. And secondly and even worse is that my love and Master was telling me - the real me that he was working and would be with me soon. He was blatantly lieing to me. Oh God the pain  as I write this. He did not stop the talking with Lace - my heart is ripping all over again as I write this.
Now my love and Master has spoken with his friend and keeps reassuring me that he is not a bad person. I have never ever said that he is a bad person.
Can you imagine I spent that evening and the next day and evening knowing this information but not knowing what or how to tell him. I kept trying to give him the opportunity to be honest with me and he even spoke about the importance of honesty. During the second evening when talking about honesty with a lot of sincerity, it was at this point I had to say that I needed to tell him something that would surely be the end of our relationship.
I explained what had happened. .....
I am now trying to accept his explanation. He wanted time on SL with this other avatar - that he had had since 2009 - because it was peaceful time with none of his usual contacts knowing he was there. To some degree I understand this. As I write this I understand why I have moments of wondering.
Universe - I so truly hope that JH - my love and Master is the real man. I love so many things about him. I like him so much and enjoy pretty much all of the things that we do. But there is this situation that is so deceiving and how betrayed I have felt. I am trying so hard to accept his explanation
Well there has been another night and day since I wrote that last sentence. My Love and Master came online.
As I had started hurting as I was writing about the events I had to ask him some more questions about it.
For the first time he said how shitty he felt about having been untruthful and he also said that yes he had been too open. Of course this has raised questions about what he means by being open and that he had said he was no longer open. So if he is thinking he is no longer open I need I think to know what he means ...
I found this behaviour with LF too open if open means flirting.

Again maybe I have got this all wrong and being flirty is OK. It just seems to me that flirting can be risky. And doesn't seem like being true to commitment and love. I truly would like some input on this.

Anyway there is another point - I cannot control everything. By having the conversation in cognito did not bring anymore control. All it has brought is a knowledge that I don't like and a lot of negotiating to do.
My Love and Master mentioned that he had to trust that I was not there looking for another man or Master. Of course I wasn't but how could he know that in the same way as I don;t know his true intentions. All I can do is out trust in him and enjoy the journey. Like other people  have met the true self reveals itself. And again just as in friendships, a lot have gone by the wayside. But I am left with the elite few. People I can trust and are consistent and dependable. People who listen and do not try to control or fix me. People who empathise with me and relate with me. People who I have such a laugh with. I trust them. People who I can ask for a hug from or time with. Oh and on and on - I have the most wonderful friends and I am truly grateful Universe for the incredible people have come into my life.
Equally there are people who are no longer in my life - gradually the incompatibilities show through. It';s not that they are bad and horrid - simply we have ideas that are too different.
I still feel guilty for moving away. I think they will take it personally and carry more of a self judgement. I say that because I can relate entirely. I would just crumble to a million tiny pieces if someone didn't like me. I would disregard all the people that did like me - well I wouldn't believe their compliments anyway.

Well I am rambling and tired now .........
Not sure if any of this is really of use or interest.
It's my life - No Comment!

Bliss

Silent Skype Snores

I spent the night sleeping beside my love and Master - he was there in his home and I was here in mine. Yep! He humoured my want to stay online all night and sleep. I woke up a few times and there he was snoring away. I smiled. I listened for a while and smiled again. How amazing it is that I have met someone who would participate in this silliness of mine. I loved him for it.

I am sure I have a lot more to write in this Blog - so much to catch up on.
So much has been happening with my love and Master alone .....
I think I am spreading recent events across too many drafted posts ...

Today  i did something different. I still have questions outstanding following the recent events when I felt betrayed by a very straight forward untruth. I am sure you will be able to catch up on this in previous blogs.
Anyway every day I have had thoughts or questions relating to the circumstances or my understanding of things.
I have a question today relating to my love and Master saying that he had been too open. I had been talking about flirting. Now he had previously said that now being with me he was no longer open with women. Which of course I felt so comfortable with. So he continues to talk with women but if he is not open and I interpreted this as being boundaried, well then I was fine and even fully supportive. This was fabulous for me as it was further indication of me managing insecurities that have developed from childhood.
However, as my love and Master had been in my opinion not boundaried at all in our recent clandestine encounter, I wonder what open,. not open or to open means.
So my different approach this evening was to ask if at a convenient moment we might discuss this further.
As is my norm, this is not to pass judgement or to insist on him being different BUT merely to see how he wants to practice being and if that concurs or not with my own preferences.
Until now my questions and thoughts have been coming up towards the end of conversations. I say the end as they are late and time really when we should be finishing speaking and getting to sleep. Of course I put off asking because I think it is wrong for me to ask. I am realising that I am entitled to my thoughts and ideas and that to get clarity I need to speak them all out. Gradually I am getting to the end of my questions. I hope my love and Master can continue to find patience even when I have heard his anger rising. I am afraid that he will get angry and use that as a reason to go. He sent a text assuring me that this would not happen.
So anyway by asking for time he has agreed. He rightly so requested that we do this at a better time.

What I would like of course is not open to mean the same as my boundaried. For me this means not only stating that I am in a loving relationship but saying that I am not available for flirtations.
I am very straight forward. My attitude is entirely different. My mindset is that I am in a committed and monogamous relationship and so I am aware that I do not give off even subtle vibes - people are so unaware of the non-verbal signals (that even are detectable across the ether).
I would not toy with a man or leave anything unclear. I am simply not available for anything more than talking. I would not spend excessive time with any one man and if there was to be any extensive socialising I would do it in general company - the message would have to be loud and clear. And then even if he were to persist I would have to be straightforward and be explicit that I am not available at all.
Finally I would say bye and leave if they continued to cross the line.
I think yes it is OK to be flattered but to be aware of the flattery and what it translates into in me and not allow my ego to desire more. I would always want to honour my commitment.
Importantly actually is my desire NOT to give mixed messages to other people as well - that can cause misunderstanding and even be hurtful. I do not want to lead anyone on.
Most importantly I do not want to disrespect my love and Master. In this way I have nothing at all to be ashamed of or need to hide. My conscience is clear which is always always a wonderful feeling - a better feeling than the brief lift I might get from a flirt - dissatisfying on a long term basis.

I truly hope my love and Master is honourable in a similar way. I am not certain how and even if I would work through my Love and Master wanting to be able to be less boundaried. However we will see what he says and see what that brings to me. I open to learn not sure if my principles can be crossed.

I wonder what other people think about my thoughts on this? How they negotiate through such tings in the first place? And what boundaries, openness etc is acceptable or not.
I truly believe that the affair starts in the the thinking and attitude. I would like a loyal partner and one that believes that love is about respect, dignity, monogamy, integrity, honesty, openness, and truly loving.
I hope my Love and Master holds these spiritual principles dear too. He seems to in general with matters of life we have discussed. I think we have a differing view of interrelationships.
We will see I guess when we speak.

Bliss

Little big starts. Big dreams from loss

I know you already know this, but Bliss, the only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!


So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun.

Foxy, clever, wry -

The Universe

Bells and whistles

If there's something you want, Bliss, anything at all, or if there's something you need, no matter what it is, or if there's something you'd like to change, please remember that all the bells and whistles of time and space were first hewn and blown in the windmills of one's mind, long before they were ever dung or heard by hands and ears.




Whatever you dream of, live it, live it now, as fully as possible, to whatever degree you can, in your thoughts, words, and deeds. And sure enough, as day follows night, as rains fall from pregnant clouds, and as melodies float from bells and whistles, your dream will come to pass.

It's a sure thing,

The Universe

Dear Helpman - minimising the dream

I wrote this way back in June2010 - and since then not sure I need a response but I didn't get one anyway.
I am disappointed

Hello S


I wonder if you can help please ......I hope you won't mind me asking.

I was talking with a friend who was talking about how he deals with pain (we were talking specifically about the dentist). He said that he looks at the pain as something interesting and he visualises it. Then he reduces the size of the pain in his visualisation.

SUDDENLY I leapt up. I think I may have told you but without emphasising the importance I have always had with this awake dream but the dream can so happen in my sleep.

I have had it as long as I can remember - I can remember the bed and bedroom when I was 3 and 4 and having this dream.

It happened a lot between the ages of 7 and into my teens. I have had it in my adulthood as well.



It is really difficult to describe. I have tried so many times because it has always felt very meaningful yet so abstract.

First of all there is this completely still nothingness - all the molecules are so so so tightly packed and dense nothing is moving at all. It is colourless matter - no movement.

It feels sinister yet is so so so so so calm.

Then this great big mass of chaotic and messy stuff moves in. It is a sphere but is big. It is mainly black. It's long strands of stuff all entwined and fills the view I have.

And it all moves about. I can see beyond it at times and through it vaguely. I feel turmoil as it is writhing and squirming and rolling and it's just big big fast moving mess.

Then it starts to get really small and compact and tight and slowing down and even though everything still feels sinister I can start to feel calm.



S I suddenly been jolted into realising what this is through this conversation with my friend.

I think the reducing of this horrid messy mass is me making it smaller. The sinister motionless surround is the big world even though in this "dream" it's as if I am looking at a screen where this all takes place.

When the sudden connection happened I cried but felt relieved at last to connect this all up.

Now as I am writing I am truly truly struggling. More than ever before. The internal pain is so immense. I can't stop what seems like my body and mind are separate.

I am telling myself I can't remember the events so they didn;t happen yet my body is telling me differently. I can't stop crying and yet I am wondering what I am crying for.

I feel absolutely crazy now. I am remembering what you said about body memories and to listen to them. And I have visual memories too of some things.

BUT this I know is about yuch yuch yuch! And yet I can't recall anything. I feel completely MAD!!!!!!!



What is also weird is that I can remember having this "dream" in another place. I was about 11 and was sent away to stay with my dads cousin and his wife. I loved playing with my cousin who was slightly younger than me so loved going there. I really always had fun! But for years I have remembered having the "dream" in the lovely room I used to stay in. I remember thinking it felt as if the bed was moving like a boat. I thought I was sick.

And then I never went back on my own again. My uncle, my dads cousin has only ever been lovely to me. I have a weird feeling always with the eldest cousin who is probably 10 years older than me. He was usually away at uni or something.

I am scared that something happened there or could it be that I just had the dream ad hoc?



And then the "dream" happens throughout my adult life. That is less difficult to explain now. In any relationship whatsoever I have had it. Sex with a partner has soon come to feel disgusting. And I begin to hate the man. I remember having the "dream" within these relationships. Can't even see the faces just the dream and so they all one big clump even the clients when I was prostituting - they are all one clump of men! Not forgetting the contempt I felt for men when prostituting - I had the power. Just think pah when I think of them.

Sometimes I have had the dream asleep, mainly when awake - I cannot see beyond the "dream" to see what is happening on the other side of it.


Help S. I feel in so much emotion I don't even know what the emotion is.

I am toying with cutting but don't want to. I haven't for over a year now. It's a battle - reminds me of the final scenes in the film Seven (do you know what I mean?)

The protagonist wants to shoot the murderer but then fights it then feels the emotion again and points the gun and lowers it again. That is so well portrayed for how I feel right now - battling.

Why does this past do this? So what - it is what happened? I know for other people I can understand why there would be so much emotion.

But why is it so so powerful in me - so what if he sexually abused me? (wow that's hard to write) so bloody what? Why does it cause me all this now - just stop it!



Well right now I am more centred following a friend calling. Phew. I am grateful for that centring without them having to know anything. They are neither in recovery or know about how crazy i can become. However they were easy to listen to.

I wonder if that was centring and hopefully not suppressing but then again maybe that's the only way as I go along with this


I have started seeing someone. We met over a shared interest in art.

He is not in recovery but interestingly is on his own spiritual path - about 2 1/2 years ago he made some changes in his life and since then has been exploring emotions and spirituality etc etc.

far this relationship between us has been very different. It's very good that he is not local and so contact has been not only face to face but more in writing or via Skype.

At this time it seems different from the ways in which I have entered into relationships. I am open and honest but with discernment. Importantly I am staying open and honest with my friends and asking for support. And indeed maintaining my long standing friendships.

I have not experienced such openness before. At times I want to run away - as an addict I have not seen this ore. I have committed not to run away though and instead find ways to deal with situations, remaining myself to the best of my ability. And suddenly I have been made aware of how terrified of commitment I actually am. I have always thought I am a totally committed but actually I was leach-like and clingy but then would become resentful as a result and then destroy. I know it's all classic love addiction so not telling you anything new.

I have been friends with him for several months and we have discussed and agreed that we are "courting". We met up recently and the relationship has evolved more into a physical

relationship. Without being dramatic I spoke about shyness and my hyper sensitivity about sex and that I was scared.

At the same time I think I sensitively approached the subject so that I didn't make him either my rescuer from the past or my abuser.

So far it seems OK . I have realisd that I don't really want nor need JHto be involved. He knows but with some distance. He also has said he knows this is my own healing as well as it being part of me and from that perspective he can simply hold me. Well I do know I cannot take the issue to him. I don;t want to repeat what I have done in the past.

I am telling you this - goodness knows why??????? I think perhaps I would like to ask if from time to time I might be able to have a session with you. If you are planning anymore weekend workshops I would certainly be interested.



I would be really delighted if you can spare a moment to either write or perhaps speak about this "dream" thing. I feel calmer right now but I was almost convulsing when I started writing to you.

I knew these "dreams" were relevant - I mean really really important. I used to ask my mum if I had them when I was feeling sick or something. I can't remember what she would say. I am getting more and more angry with her also finding that difficult to allow myself to feel.



This is now the next day Sunday

Well can you believe this synchronicity - Radio 4 programme in which a woman talks about discovering her partner had sexually abused her daughters. Then I get home and my dad had left a message on my answer machine and then I get an email from a man who used to be my dad's friend. Not that he has friends.

Now he is due to call me today.

I was talking with Liz this morning and telling her how my body is telling me one thing but my brain is telling me that sexual abuse does not happen to me.

I feel repulsion and disgust within myself and am battling again today. Wanting to cut not wanting to cut.

I feel detached then attached - I can no longer seem to keep it all away for long.

I feel sick and at times quite faint - it weird. Its horrid. Its healing too I believe

I don't really know what to do with it though.

I listen to people's stories in meetings and at work - and feel sad and an array of emotions

BUT it can't possibly happen to me. I still cannot believe that I have kept memories away from me for so long.

I know a lot of my talking with you helped me to start believing the little signs as they have been arising. But still it is difficult.



Sometimes this all seems so much to actually be able to deal with. It takes my breath away. I want it to stop finally.

I want to run away but there is nowhere to run to.

Want it cut out of me.

IT exists just need to learn to live with it and not let it be the drive of being. HOW????????? WHEN?????????????

Sometimes the growth/healing seems impossible.



Sorry for writing all of this. It has helped to write it.

Can you throw any light for me please?

Any suggestions other than what I am doing - talking to friends (suport friends), not using in any shape or form, trusting the Universe that I can get through this, trying to nurture myself, meetings. What else?



Thank you S for even reading this.

Bliss

Praying for willingness

The ease of change, Bliss, is directly proportional to one's willingness to reconsider what's best for themselves.


I say let it be easy -

The Universe

Kidding Oneself

One of the coolest things about time and space, Bliss, is that it's impossible to kid oneself indefinitely.


Pow,

The Universe

Two Duchesses and a double dip don't make a right

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A need to be written kitten

I need to write about boredom and Master JH's example of not getting bored with his cottage
I need to write about the internal feelings of arousal
How being in the feeling is not good time to try and re,solve something but how I try to get to the resolution

Scaredy cat

Here are all the thngs I removed.............
Ask me why I will tell you
xxxxx

Like pushing marshmallows into a moneybox anonymous from Braintree, Essex


As you always have, Bliss, you're going to find, yet again and forevermore, that the hard and difficult stuff only ever seemed hard and difficult, before you began it.

Bet you feel better now, huh?Begin it, The Universe



Pah! Hard and difficult - I cut contact this afternoon with C - it feels really difficult right now.

I am off to S therapist in a moment and have been calling out. I feel mean and nasty (there's my codependance), he was being so nice to me yet it was all crumbs - he has a partner and daughter. He said he was disappointed. He asked how long I would be seeing my therapist as I said that was to do with it. I asked him to trust it was nothing to do with him. I don;t think he believed me. I am now scared that he won;t want contact with me if and when I do make contact again. He may try to make me pay - I think he is a damaged little oy you see and I just damaged him some more. He said his circumstances mught be different but he is unlikely to change things without someone as a prompt - that in itself is so unhealthy.

He arrived at 652am. I answered the door naked as per his request. He said this afternoon he was going to say that I didn;t have to have sex and maybe we could go out for the day instead but as I answered the door naked .......... I risked being seen by neighbours all day dancing around naked - him too.

My flat of course has not been exposed to this before now. It is tarnished somehow. The walls are so paper thin my neighbours will have heard all the sex antics. We had sex a lot - it was good despite his "marshmallow in a moneybox" type willy. It wasn't straight forward. I didn't feel able to run around the room as he requested, but we did other stuff that was easy to do as I don;t really know him. If we ever got to know each other better I wouldn;t be able to do the same things. That's how it's always been.

I feel a bit spaced out - a whole day in bed having sex. No revision of course. Left LouLou at A's. See it was all planned out so well. I asked him what his klans were for the future, he said he didn't have any. Then I dropped the bombshell. There were not going to be any. I need to cut contact.

I think he said he doesn;t plan so that he didn't have to get hooked into anything serious with me. Then when I said that he was disappointed - he used the d-word. Struck me in my heart.

I talked a little about my dad and the past. He said he had been concerned for me on Saturday and had considered coming over. He didn't though did he!!! He couldn't, he has a partner.

He also made sure he left on time - no hanging around. Priority at home. Of course.

I need t be realistic and get away from this fantasy relationship I have created. The One. And it's not Neo it's just another The One!

Well I will continue writing this later as right now I need to leave to head to Yateley. Just down the road from C.



He said he wouldn't make contact - he said I know where he is if I want to make contact. I want him to send a text or an email anyway. He hasn't so far. I want to send him a text to say sorry and thank you. I doubt he will. He said he might go along on 27th June adding if he's invited. I said of course you're invited hoping above all hope he goes. I will want to see him but if he's hooked up with another - ouch.

I know I am going to suffer severe withdrawals. Unlike John the relationship is just beginning really. And I tricked him into a day of sex ...... and then told him. How fucking mean I am. I should have told before so that he could make a reasonable choice.

SHIT! Man I hate this illness of addiction and this is the worst manifestation of it.

I am so fucking powerless.

I hope from here on I can be writing about recovery adn growth and joy.

I hope C will be OK and will perhaps recover himself from his pain. He said what't the use of contentment when you're dead. I feel his life is so empty and sad. He says it's just how it is. He doesn;t understand the need for therapy. I think he would benefit hugely.

I miss him already - no more sex texts, no more emails. No more male attention.

Fuck fuck fuck

More later - leaving now for sure

Replacing History

Bits I removed


Better than Star Trek


for every mortal step you take, another cog in a giant wheel behind the curtains of time and space advances, and with it, 10,000 new possibilities.







I wish I could remember this at times. Today it seems less relevant.



My goodness I hadn;t realised I could act out on text sex. It has been powerfully arousing. I am not proud of this.



On Monday I am committed to cutting contact - I don't intend this to be forever.







I am aware all this acting out behaviour has been a big distraction from everything - revision. Sabotaging that so that I fail the exam. Actually even before the exam I am ready to run because I am so unprepared and still unab le to discipline myself into studying.

I let my very very wonderful friend down yesterday. The evening before she had invited me to go over for supper after work.

The turth is I didn;t want to ask A and G yet again to look after LouLou when I knew I would be asking them to look after her tonight Sunday . Iw ant to be honest with L but don;t want her to be ashamed of me and hate me for me letting my addiction be more important than her. The truth is right now it is.

I am so fucking poerless. I have never before realised the power of this addiction.

The thing is it's easier than dealing withe verything else and yet it's not the pain I feel for my unmanageability.

Love addiction is the most peorful thing I have yet encountered. The energy inside me as I write this is so immense. It's a mix of really intense feelings . It's not him it's the addiction.

I really want to be free of it. It's driving me insane. There is some fear in me of the evil like GW. I don't mind writing his name to protect anyone who might ever encounter him to know that he is a very dangerous man.

If he kills me that would make it all go away anyway! Yep that's how I feel.

Underneath all of this is fear that I will not get a pass or do well in the exam despite the course work having been good.

There is also the issues to do with my father

I spoke with him Thursday before my birthday. I had a horrid hurt feeling he wouldn;t call at all and yet was terrified of the expected call.

As he was telling me he had been on yet another cruise with T his wife I started feeling the fury! When my mum was ill all she wanted to do was go away on a cruise. My dad kept saying he couldn't - I knew it was an excuxe. WHY THE FUCK DID HE STAY WITH MY MUM IF HE HATED BEING WITH HER SO MUCH! I don;t get it I just don;t. Why did he treat me so fucking baldy - he should have gone hyears and years ago - saved us all from him!

I feel murderous towwards him at times and then think I am well over the top.

I go into this thing where I know he did horrid things to me as a child and yet I think perhaps he didn;t and I have made it all up.

Yet there are so many signs - body flashbacks and memory flashbacks. Then I think have I confused it with all the things I have done myself with men well bioys since I was young.

I feel completely crazy.

I am so looking forward to seeing S on Monday ebvening - therapist. He is just the beginning though.

Fukc FUCK FUCK!!!!



I remember the withdrawals when I cut contact with J and R.

What the hell will I do with all this fury that is erupting all over the place. I have been able to contain it at work by shutting off and focusing on the clients. I want to save one of them as she speaks of issues close to my own heart.



On Friday I went to SLAA and on the way back thought fuck it. Sent a text to a friend saying "Can't be with me. Going out. Safe friends." She sent a text back saying OK stay safe. I was prepared to have a drink. I found the guys after all these years stillo in the same place doing the samne thing. They were already horridly pissed. It looked so unattractive thank goodness. When I saw the look of all of that and then the slurred conversations about nonsense I stayed but changed my mind about drinking. They were naughtily suggestive. Reference to my tits even lifted up my dress.

I was disgusted but didn't know how to stop them doing that. That's what I think I am supposed to take and yet intellectually know it's not right.

Eventually I left - it was even diffcult to leave not ebcause I wanted to be there but because I think I have no rights to leave.

FUCK I am completely insane.

Powerlessness is upon me and I am shicked at the strength of it.

. This was Friday week ago. I was supposed to tbe at her house to go out for a meal - for my birthday.

I have a number to ring. I will do that today.

Ugh! This stuff is so fucking hard.



I am scared of the fury that I know is there. I have been calling it rage. S said uncontained fury. That's what I cut on. When I hear the song "negative creep" and the lyrics daddy's little girl aint a girl no more - it makes me cringe and feel violent.

I am going nuts truly.

I have to remind myself I am trying to work through this madness.

I am trusting that there will be a way through. It better bloody work.

Page 88 line 8 - It works. It really does.



Will go again to NA but I have a strong feeling Simon will be there this evening. I think this coz J was there last week. It feels like a conspiracy type thiung. He went along on behalf of S to see if the rumours are true and I am going. I am thinking for his anger that he will want to reclaim that meeting as his. He laways said it was his.

Then of Fri J was at the other meeting - she said hello to me. I said hello back. I feel anger and hurt about her.



People! Me!

I think I am a fuckwit right now.



Is ent an apology to L for letting her down- she said she was disappointed. I know that feeling I hate letting her down. The pain is the same as when I let my mum down

I have to get this fucking behaviour sorted out. I want to be different I really do.



Please Higher Power help me get on today. I need to revise

Please Higher Power help me get on the road to recovery again.

Thanks for listening.



my story! It's been a fucking nightmare - adventurous I suppose. I have several books in me I guess. They say everyone has a book in them.

When he said that I nearly said so did I - but held back. They don't need to know everything.

The truth is my life's journey so far has been less than straight, less than boring and at times dangerous and at other times wild which I can get hooked on.



Right off to start some revising

ME


Desperate for crumbs


It's been a few days since writing. This can be accounted for by a number of events.

A weekend at University (love saying that, I feel all academic and clever suddenly and then I negate that with well it's only the Open University, and it's only playing at learning etc. I so completely negate all the worth in anything I do very very easily - it's a pity that I continue to be so hrash on little me) Anyway I had a great great weekend at Warwick on many levels. Not only were the lectures interesting and I have an clarity of the overview of the course but know I have a lot of detail to learn for the exam - here I am avoiding the learning -. It also was a big growth in commnicating with strangers and being open and honest. I managed to get myself out of my room for dinner on Friday. I walked into an already busy bar area. I sat down on an available seat but the people already nearby were engrossed in caht and did not welcome me at all. People generally don't seem to do that. Then a lady came and sat down next to me. I said hello and initiated conversation with her. We walked into the restaurant together and we passed another lady sitting on her own. I suggested we sit with her as she was on her onw first checking with her if anyone was sitting with her or did she prefer to be alone. Then there were 3 of us. By the end of the weekend the first lady had dropped off. I am not certain why. But the second lady and I seemed to gel and were soon joined by S who I have met at my tutorials and the another younger girl/woman K, who was just so charming. I didn't with any intention to discuss me and my recovery etc so was able to talk about me in a rounded way when it was necessary. IN the past I can hide behind being in recovery - people ether run away or get fascinated by that subject in itself and not me. See so clever at hiding. Anyway the subject did come about and in a most appropriate way - K wanted to know more and more sharing very openly about her personal situation meaning that I could share my experience of change when she asked queations. And S was interested for her own things. B just wanted to impart knowledge as an "expert" medically and although I disagreed on certain issues I didn't need to argue.

I managed to go and inttroduce myself to Prof T who has become my hero. I want to meet someone like him. Maybe a little younger although I may be doing him an injustice. He seems charming and not inappropriate. His wife was there so maybe that's why he was a good boy. I am not stunner in fact I think I am ugly but when I walked in the room I think I was sexual at least sensual after naughty texts with C and I did notice Prof T look again. Do you know what I mean? I feel embarrassed saying that coz I relly don;t think I am attractive in any way and why would anyone look twice but sometimes it does happen. What I think is they look again and realise it's not great and that's that. After all I am not swamped with admirers.

Anyway that was time away and busy. This week I have been absorbed with my addictive behaviour around C. So much so that I still haven't done my essay that will result in a 0 score. And this course so matters to me but in addictive behaviour the addiction becomes the salient issue and all things I value and people are cast aside. I hate it and can see it intellectually but still resistant to stopping. I know that I need to cut contact and can do this with SLAA HOW. I just need to find a meeting get a sponsor and work the questions. Maybe after the 30 days it would be possible to be friendly with him? I still want the crumbs you see because it's better than nothign as nothing reconfirms how shit I am as a person - fat, ugly, not likeable and not worthy of being loved!

My food has been slightly topsy-turvy. But because it's in a controlled eating less way that's seeming acceptable in my anorexic thinking. It's so not OK. I did eat a nice meal and had a lovely pud too last night. But I had not had lunch so although got back on track immediately there are little slips allowing not eating ehre and there. Feeling so fat of course.

I had an accident in the car on Wednesday. A woman drove into the back of me at a roundabout. There is no visible damage tot he car but I was aware by Wednesday evening that I was shaking, my neck and shoulders hurting and during Wed to Friday my concentration and memory have been a little shot away.

I need to get to the docs but so hate going and seemingly making a fuss



ooooooo phone ringing.................................R - lovely to hear from her so sad Kissy Burr has died last night.



Just to quickly finish - yesterday Uni again. Yesterday evening Secret Garden Party - in Farnham - yipppppeee hippppppeeeeee stuff in Farnham.



Then today is supposd to be studying - phone call from my lovely lovely L then S now R. And it's alreadty 1154 and not a single word written of my essay

SAAAAAABOTAAAGE! What the hell!!!!????

I want some hot steamy sex but with a stranger so there's not intimacy but then I will feeln so ducking horrid afterwards - same old same old.

I want an exciting loving intimate relationship with a lovely man. But then I look at couples way down the line and don't want that normaldom.

Ugggggggggggggggghhhh it's so hard being a human! Don't want to be anything else so there's little left but bring on death!!! Be careful what I wish for.

OK some words now to be invested into the essay.



From mememememememmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Who am I?


Lunch with Vivaldi, breakfast with Jackanory


I am acting out -I think. Well I am but I need t keep it back to friendship. How on earth do I do that?

I have been having email chat. Well banter really. It's very -------- what is it? It's telling a lot. And very often. This week it escalated to text chat. A lot a lot. ANd I like it all. I have been enjoying the attention. And then it went to the mext stage - a live person to person phone call. Wow was that scary or what? How can speaking to someone for the first time like that be so damned angst causing. The reason why? I know is because I don;t feel enough - already. And that phone call has confirmed a meet up today. Well that's if he is able to get away. Yep the bastard has a partner. I don;t really know what this thing between us is? Of course in my thinking and make believe world he is going to be THE ONE. I always make anyone I meet THE ONE. I live this make believe relationship with them day and night not at all facing up to the reality of the day. Why would I it's so much easier having a make believe relationship. It's all happy, everybody likes him and he likes all my friends, there's no insecurity or .....

Shit if he's coming he said he'll be here about 10am - it's 930am. I tried to tiy up a bit but it still looks hippyish and messy. At least I cleaned the bathroom and the hoovered the carpet but the windows have yonks of dust now.

... problems. He's supportive of everything I want to do and we have lots and lots and lots of fun. Then of course I am escaping the reality of the each day which to be honest I find difficulty living. Just people being people and me being so not enough for anything or anyone. Yes I can honestly saying living life is not easy for me and so a make believe relationship suddenly makes everyhting OK. I have lived in make believe worlds since I was a little girl - escaping! How sad I can feel about so long as I stay detached. If I engage fully it bloody cripples me from the very soul. I can feel it. Tears. RAGE!!!!!!!!

Well C has not called so I am guessing all this monrings anticipation will turn into huge disappointment and what the hell will that turn into in an addictive way.The anticipation has manifested as reducing food intake - actually a coplete loss of appetite. I ended up having a sandwich and last night I had an apple.

I am not abstinent. Grrrrrr. I have had breakfast. I will have a lovely lunch. I may even go out for it?????? If C doesn;t turn up. Still hopeful. I am certain he said he would make contact. But you see this never knowing thing happens when someone has a partner.

What the hell is this thing. It's supposed to be simply friendship. I did say to him if that's all it is then surely to be able to tell his partner is OK. But he's had an affair - he says once before. Gosh he is such an untrustworthy person and of course I am attracted to all of this chaos already.

Why oh why oh why? I know it gives me a temporary fix. But already it's turned into I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I hope he's really realy really unattractive if I do ever meet him. That way the energy that it creates in me will be immediately dissipated.

Let me tell you about lunch with Vivaldi. I am not sure what was going on there either. There is a Dr where I work Dr A. He's probably about 32. But blody hell he has beguiled me. A few times now we have sat and had lunch and he talks about his interests in music and art. He is so knowledgeable and passionate. He lives outside of Budapest is now doing his few weeks on duty then travelling back and living there in Hun gary. He was telling me yesterday about the beautiful music hall in Budapest and the way he used his hands to slowly slowly depict the way the acoustic thingys moved my goodness he has real passion about this. He as teeling me and telling me and telling em. And he was looking straight into my eyes - eye contact for ages and ages and ages. I was wondering when he would avert his eyes but he didn't. My goodness what was that. The nurse who was also having lunch said she was going. I think she felt the something as well. But... How can that be. He's young good looking so so so intellectual and knowledgable. I am old, ugly, fat and so uncultured. I said that I am not ediucated in the arts but I certainly know what I like and it ignites my soul. I wanted to sound like I knew it all and was pleased that at least I said that. He talked to me like I know though. I didn;t want to disappoint him. Oh well. He said he would bring in the CD's of Cecilia Bartoli Dr A wanted to see her whilst he was home but was unable to get tickets). Just listened to her on You Tube. Wow can she used her vocal chords. I can see the attraction for the beauty of her talent and of course the philharmonic. Now classical music I really do like and enjoy sometimes. I would like to understand it better - the theory is complicated for me - maths. Oh did I mention that my dyslexia test resulted in her diagnosing me as dyscalculic. Can't even spell it let alone pronounce it.

Well it's 956am no call nothing. He's bloody well not coming is he? Bastard. He did say would I be angry if he couldn;t come but at least he could let me know what's happening. He said in a text last night he was looking up EM on the map. Oh yes he's coming here. And yous ee that's another thing. I have lost everything and have very little. Social housing - lovely falt in a lovely village. A clapped out old car. And I am so materialistic and yet claim not to be. Anyway I am ashamed of my status. Why is it so important that he has such a wonderful impression of me. Not having anything makes me want to be the wild child and show he the mad world I can live in as well to make up for being a failure financially.

Gosh this is me - take it or leave it. And you know what it's not OK to be in a relationship and sneaking about. He says it would be difficult to tell his partner because of his affair. Why then is he sneaking about at all?

I do feel let down though. And it's not something I can share with anyone because I kept it a secret anyway.

Grrrrrr I get myself into these things. I wasn;t even sure that I would be able to resist wanting close contact if he did turn up anyway. I am so needy of being lvoed and then I HATE them. I loathe myself.I am angry that I am like this. I nearly wanted to write that this is the result of my childhood experiences with my dad but wanted not to because I went inot the sudden disbelief. Sometimes this is so so so so so so so so so so hard being me.

Earlier this week my colleague I was talking about adult survivors (of childhood sexual abuse). He wasn't talking about the details of his clinet but the situation and that he would like to get training to specialise. He was talking about what he knows are classic symptoms. I was SCREAMING inside. I was flitting between thinking he could see straight through me and that see he can't see those in me so he thinks I am lying. He doesn't even bloody know. The screaming was escalated when I got to A anf G's and I talked about the screaming inside. It just got louder. I called J to see if I could scream it out at hime. I was hating all men they are all f.......g rapists. As I was screaming and ranting at him for being a fuckwit for now bveing able to listen to me and give me bloody stupid fixing advice I suddenly realised that I was actually blaming him. Now when I was having therapy S had said that it seemd J seemed to represent my father and R (at the time) was the representative lover. As I was getting angrier and angrier and he was fixing me and trying to silence me I flipped. I so wanted to cut. I haven't cut since 2006. I would like to be able to. It was so difficult the desire was so great and then the wanting not to as well. I was really fighting. The hurt inside me was immense. I can still feel it as I write this. There is this burning burning rage in me. I want it to come out. I thought I could send S a text to try and arrange a session with him but I only have his landline and I haven't found the courage to call him. I am realsiing more and more that if people hear my voice then they get closer to me and because I am spontaneous with the spoken word they get further in. I can really fear the rage and the resistance to let people see this. I don;t know why.

Anyway I ranted and ranted - the raging energy was so immense I felt powerful. I was jumping upa nd down. Bloody hell. Eventually I was all spent out and I had that blissful feeling I get after I have cut. It's like taking heroin, I feel wrapped in cotton wool and such an amazing serenity.

We have a self harmer in treatment right now.

Well it's 1010 no 1011. It's clearly not happening so I need t focus my mind on my studies. This evening I am going to meet L at the Sunday NA meeting. More anxiety incase I encounter S. I will try to be friendly and less fidgety and stupid. I was acting all silly and girlish last time. And thank goodnes S didn;t arrive. It was lovely being there - some familiar faces lots and lots of new ones. L, P and C and N who was really funny. There was a lot of laughter there which of course there isn;t in OA and CODA. I am looking forward to it.

And of course I am feeling slimmer. Apart from yesterdays meals - actually

He's in EM shit


Down the aisle


I have only 2 more days at N. It seemed particularly odd to day as I said goodbye to I at Camrose. She is someone I have enjoyed encountering each week and yet it is unlikely I will ever see her again. Mind you the field of drugs and alcohol work is a small world, like any field of work or industry I guess.

And saying goodbye to clients for the very last time - that feels sad. I think I have an emotioanl overload because I have this evening completely detached from all feelings.

I do widner if sometimes the detachment is a human way of taking a rest. There are just too many feelings going on and I can't deal with them. I have eaten some handfuls of sultana's this evening returning home late and tired quite late after a meeting.

I know for many people a few handfuls of sulatna's is nothing So What? Well for me it's imperative that I stick with 3 meals per day. Nothing in between at all. I have broken my abstinence. I am disappointed with this. However, I can choose not to continue and by writing this now it helps to make it real - no secret allowances - and tomorrow I can return to the 3 meals. Tomorrow evening I have another bloody social event. Last one for weeks - it has to be. I am so behind with my studies and don;t seem to find the discipline I bloody well need. Aaargh so frustrated with myself. I think this might have contributed to eating the sultana's.

So Obama has landed at Stansted huh? I wonder what he thought of that beauty spot in the UK?

Side-tracked by Newsnight there.

I was really excited that A sent an email informing me that he wouldn't be able to respond fully to my previous email due to a small op he was having today and then I got home and he had sent an email to say all was well.

Perhaps this is why I am disengaged from my emotions - I am using??? Well I need to keep grounded on this. The crazy head is already married and living a wonderful life with him!!!!

The reality is I had said to him in an earlier email that I like a lot of contact, so mayb e he is being thoughtful and mindful of that. Anyway I thanked him for it. It meant a lot to me actually.

I do read into it though that he is finding me amazing blah blah blah. Just the smallest of thing can be the needy affirmation I need to feel slightly better about msyelf. Of course it doesn;t last. As soon as I see a younger thinner good looking woman I feel like shoe poo again and reminded that he couldn't possibly like me.

The reality is we have had just a couple of emails between us. We haven't seen each other for over 27 years - probably longer. He is just being friendly and possibly enjoying contact like me there is a link with A between us now she is back in Aus. I need to stop reading things into it at all and simply accept it at face value. How does anyone do that? I don't know what that even means really????

Oh I was a little more organised this moring or so I thought. I got my cheque and bank book ready to pay in and transfer some money. I actually made the effort to get tot he bank. I paid in the cheque and then realised the bank book I had was the out of date one! Doh! Felt good that I had actually been responsible though.

I really need to learnt hat when I take action I feel so much better.



I was reminded that Russell's brother died the same way. His poor bloody parents, losing their only two sons to addiction! He was one of the good guys.



Still pondering this humour thing and my sensitivity. No solutions yet coming to mind. Oh other than the hurt is a guide that there is something that I possibly need to be able to let go of. And that probably means I need to do some more talking about it.



Night

X


Down the aisle


I have only 2 more days at N. It seemed particularly odd to day as I said goodbye to I at Camrose. She is someone I have enjoyed encountering each week and yet it is unlikely I will ever see her again. Mind you the field of drugs and alcohol work is a small world, like any field of work or industry I guess.

And saying goodbye to clients for the very last time - that feels sad. I think I have an emotioanl overload because I have this evening completely detached from all feelings.

I do widner if sometimes the detachment is a human way of taking a rest. There are just too many feelings going on and I can't deal with them. I have eaten some handfuls of sultana's this evening returning home late and tired quite late after a meeting.

I know for many people a few handfuls of sulatna's is nothing So What? Well for me it's imperative that I stick with 3 meals per day. Nothing in between at all. I have broken my abstinence. I am disappointed with this. However, I can choose not to continue and by writing this now it helps to make it real - no secret allowances - and tomorrow I can return to the 3 meals. Tomorrow evening I have another bloody social event. Last one for weeks - it has to be. I am so behind with my studies and don;t seem to find the discipline I bloody well need. Aaargh so frustrated with myself. I think this might have contributed to eating the sultana's.

So Obama has landed at Stansted huh? I wonder what he thought of that beauty spot in the UK?

Side-tracked by Newsnight there.

I was really excited that A sent an email informing me that he wouldn't be able to respond fully to my previous email due to a small op he was having today and then I got home and he had sent an email to say all was well.

Perhaps this is why I am disengaged from my emotions - I am using??? Well I need to keep grounded on this. The crazy head is already married and living a wonderful life with him!!!!

The reality is I had said to him in an earlier email that I like a lot of contact, so mayb e he is being thoughtful and mindful of that. Anyway I thanked him for it. It meant a lot to me actually.

I do read into it though that he is finding me amazing blah blah blah. Just the smallest of thing can be the needy affirmation I need to feel slightly better about msyelf. Of course it doesn;t last. As soon as I see a younger thinner good looking woman I feel like shoe poo again and reminded that he couldn't possibly like me.

The reality is we have had just a couple of emails between us. We haven't seen each other for over 27 years - probably longer. He is just being friendly and possibly enjoying contact like me there is a link with A between us now she is back in Aus. I need to stop reading things into it at all and simply accept it at face value. How does anyone do that? I don't know what that even means really????

Oh I was a little more organised this moring or so I thought. I got my cheque and bank book ready to pay in and transfer some money. I actually made the effort to get tot he bank. I paid in the cheque and then realised the bank book I had was the out of date one! Doh! Felt good that I had actually been responsible though.

I really need to learnt hat when I take action I feel so much better.



I was reminded that Russell's brother died the same way. His poor bloody parents, losing their only two sons to addiction! He was one of the good guys.



Still pondering this humour thing and my sensitivity. No solutions yet coming to mind. Oh other than the hurt is a guide that there is something that I possibly need to be able to let go of. And that probably means I need to do some more talking about it.



Night

X


Stalking Nik Kershaw


I have changed my mind about Nik Kershaw I like the songs I have just been listening to - he is wily with his lyrics.



The talking isn;t really about Nik Kershaw. I have been in contact all day with C. He has been in contact all day with me too.

What is this thing?

I really don;t know - I am just being friendly but also the degree of contact is far more than I would have normally with a friend. I mean I can talk for hours and hours with a friend but all day emailing - yet for me it was fun. Checking out song lyrics and the little personal comment in between. Nothin much of anything really. I think a few of his choice of lyrics could have been interpreted if I allow myself to as something more meaningful than just lyrics.

I want as much contact as I can get - that's always me - demanding time until I am all worn out by it. The excitement of fresh blood.

And I sacrificed precious study time and walking LouLou.

Always put attention seeking first.

I do feel rested today - got away from work worried entirely until probably tonight.

I learnt a lesson thought listening to C talk about his life - that's all I need to do and ask questions. Make no summisations just question. The person can make thier own decisions from the questions and the answers they give.

And it's OK not to have answers to problems. Solutions are keep sharing - get to meetings - ask for opinions - communicate with the people involved rather than guessing what they are thinking or trying to control the outcome - explore, find out the facts.



I have truly enjoyed the "exchanges" as C puts it. What is it that's going on though.

It thrills me - especially little comments like "I can't think of anything nicer than sharing a tent with you" - mmmm? That's a leading statement don't you think!?



And food on track so far today. Breakfast, lunch and soon dinner - I am not very hungry.

Oh blimey just recently when out walking I have taken to joggin every so often - and doing it. I hadn;t realised until M men tioned that she is jogging. I assumed that emant one had to run all the way but she said she started by running a few steps then stopping and so on. I might get some running shoes as my walking boots definitely didn't make it easy.



Well off to get msyelf a drink and even perhaps ever so slightly read some of the course work - it's essay time I should be preparing for the essay!!!!! Damn me.





What, why, when, how, who?

Well C stayed until about 530pm. I'm sure he was here much longer than he had originally intended. I asked him a lot of what's etc and he did most of the talking. He said that he was actually a very qquiet isolated person and had spoken today more than he had in years. I will believe him. I find it difficult to trust men.

His story is sad and yet he is able he says to put it behind him. It was what it was. He still has resentment with his mother and allows himself that. He treats her the way he feels she treated them as children, with contempt. It sounds as if she was a very ill lady. I wonder if she is different in the way she lives today. The consequences though hurt poor innocent children who deserved a whole heap better than they did. And I can hear the dysfunction resulting in their lives since then. C seems to have been a lot more balanced in an insular way though.

I like him very much. He is a nice man. It sounds as if he has stayed out of decency in his relationhsip. He said he wanted to leave his relationship when he had the affair. And he still thinks of the girl. He said thoughtfully that there was another half him out there somewhere. He pays a sum every month. I expect someday that girl will want to locate him. I think that was about 4 or 5 years ago. He seems a little lost to me. He says he blimps along - I think that's the word he used. It is what it is. He didn't seem to have a soul fired up. He said he doesn;t do anything because it's a quiet life and too much upheaval to face. I just don;t hear contenetment or happiness. Not that someone is all the time but he's just going through the motions perhaps.

I think I asked a couple of leading questions. Thankfully I back tracked. I am not sure what it is we have had. I don;t know if it will continue. He said he had enjoyed our day together. He said he wanted to continue contact. I hope he does as I enjoy his company. Sme of it is having the male attention which of course he is not free to give and so I need to keep turning that thinking off.

C's story ....

A young boy caught up in the turmoil of his mothers chaos due to her own illness and his fathers absence. Then dealing with the shame put upon him of being from not only a broken but poor family. Fighting literally for respect and self defence. No encouragement with his education meaning that his intelligence wasn't nurtured.

A longing to be with his father who he adored and went onto emulate. A young boy in the army.

Losing his dad again to a brain tumour. His sister seeming to take what he is certan his dad would have left between them.

Witnessing things in the passing of military duty. Such a successful man. Such a intelligence there to be tapped.

I sense a degree of something deeply missing. His soul is alight but not flaming and sparkling as it should be.



I hope, I really hope he continues contact with me and that we can meet up again in the future. I sent a text to thank him and tell how much I had enjoyed our afternoon together. It was probably more than was needed but a lot less than I could have written to put out the hook to see how he felt. He hasn;t replied and that's not so comfortable. But I will elave it now. I will look for an email and texts tomorrow. Maybe he has met me and that has fulfilled the inquisitiveness and this ( I don't know what it has been?) will fizzle out now. I hope not.

I can feel my love addict so alive and kicking. I am aware of it to some degree and in a lot of denial about it too. However, if I can retain a little awareness, I think C is someone I would like to have as a friend. He is interesting, quiet in his manner, he has a real groundedness that I got a lot of calm from. I would like to have in my life for many qualitites that I see in him - tolerance, action, steadiness, a degree of acceptance - were some. When I think of him like that I am less bothered by the addict who wants the cuddles and make-believe relationship.



I long for loving contact from a man - someone who wants to cherish me but not overwhelm me. Someone that I can cherish and trust and not overwhelm too. Someone who lvos me for being me and someone I can love for being them. Trust and freedom. Sharing interests and introducing each other to each otheres interests without interfering. Someone to talk with intelligence at an emotional level. Someone who I can communicate with openly and honestly and work through issues together and find compromise - true compromise.

I long for a real meaningful hug. I long for a friendship first and love that blossoms from that. I long for sensitivity with that man and who will support me through my difficult issues that still need to be worked through. To be able to walk side by side. Watch films and discuss the meaning and song lyrics and characters in books.

Of course the love addict in me wants this to be C. But he is not available to me. I didn;t fancy him. That helps. I really like him though which is also still difficult to reconcile.

I am so so so tired.

What was good was how much I was able to listen and draw information as I listened to the story. It took all day but I think during it he took a long look at how it had been and was philosophical about many events through his life.

Right now I hope I can remain in his life somehow whatever happens next. I think he needs t do some healing before he would be anywhere near ready to enter into a relationship with any healthiness to it. I would like him as a friend though. I realy liked him.

Well no studying as a result. That's OK. I am tired and thankfully off tomorrow.

I will try and get some work done as well as a nice walk or two with LouLou. Then I will have some time Tuesday morning as well.

I would like to do some cultural things with C. Art gallery, music festivals etc. I think it would be lovely to share things like that with someone who clearly gets a sense of inspiration from writings and things. Is it OK to ask him?

Responsibility and Rescue

Very simply, Pamela, the more that you accept responsibility for, the more power you have.

Doesn't that rock?

Love,

The Universe



As you can see I have not even started revising and it's already 10:14 am.

Wondering if C will be at the school reunion thingy on 27th - hoping so but in my fantasy it will be him trying to be with me and wanting me. When in fact he will probably ignore me and focus on other women. His little drop of intrigue - and I responded of course - I might go along on 27th if I am invited byt J and I said of course you;re invited almost saying I hope to see you there.

Gosh this addictive manner is so ingrained and subtle and manipulative.

The reality is I might have to choose not to go - just in case. The woman in the red dress - the killer part of this love addiction thinks this is great - more mean drama - create more intrigue and power. Oh no this is the avoidant isn't it?

Avoidant - woman in red dress, mysterious, doesn't talk about herself, hooks them in, has sex and then dumps them. She is the sexualised fury too - how does that compute avoidant and sexualised anger but it's the power I like. Yuch. Then there is the addict who appears as a rag doll tossed aside in the corner, crying, no life, no energy to even lift her head - abandoned, sad. She is considered pathetic by the lady in red.

I will write more - today has been another difficult day! Surprise surprise

Too embarrassed

Clever L, she suggested that I text her - that's how it works she responded. Of course. If it was decent friendly things then I could send it to anyone.

Hopefully that will subside too.

I can realy see how I have been sexualising the anger. How many times have I said it's OK to be angry it's the behaviour. Grrrrr at me.

And yet also I feel gentler with me too. I really have understood at a feeling level the power of the powerlessness. I was absolutely out of control - choice was not available to me. Right from the first few emails. He said he knew I was not right in the head and yet he continued to pursue. That's not the way forward of a healthy man.

Yet I can tell myself how nice he has been to me too, the complements, the attention. This sucks the way my head can tell me what my fantasy wants me to hear.

I am looking forward to S L A on Friday. I am not to abbreviate it to SLAA, it takes away from the meaning. I says thatt hes ex part is not really the issue. I disagree now. I wouldn;t have done before this episode. In fact I hated the sex part yet could perform so lng as I was detached from being me.

Want to put in the little sketch diagram S drew last night to explain the ID. He says that the ID is Sexual/Aggression raw and then the idea is that our care givers provide us with the EGO, the teraching and loving that we receive creates a sort of membrane protection and interfacs with the world outside, or preparing us all the time to interrelate. The problem is that if the child is abused a wound is created straight into the ID - the fuck versus kill message create fury. Children are immensely clever and develop a cap to keep the explosive fury in - addiction, defence mechanisms such as angst (anxiety about everything), repression (disturbed feelings are just shut out or forgotten), displacement (feelings are placed upon someone, something else), sublimation (sexualising other things such as being creative or caring, libido or energy put into other things - sexual anorexia?), projection (project anger and sxualisation onto other people - blame), reaction information (exaggerating the opposite to the repressed impulse).

There a bit of revision at the same time.



Must go - phongin a S L A new contact. Restrict to 20 mins max as then need to get on with revision. Need to leave at 1130 to collect parcel from post office and get to work by 1pm. No dropping off LouLou coz I left her at A's since Sunday so could be with C uninterrupted. So selfish I am.



More aware than ever I have been. Scared of these withdrawls. I want him to want me. I want him to find me irresistable and then save me from me.

It's all such bullshit fantasy talk. It is my addiction

The reality is I have an exam to focus on - get on with it.

Lady in the red dress

A really helpful session with S.

I have been calling out to the people I can get support from almost all the time since C left.

P, L, A, M, N, J - calling or texting. I so want to be in contact with him. Perhaps he does really like me after all and he is the one who can save me. That's what I want - someone to save me.

I have to learn to look after myself but I just don;t feel capable or even want the responsibility. As I am, I am crazed and a bloody liability. The little girl within me just wants to be saved from all the bad things and people.

My safe place is a little room, I mean a tiny room where I can curl up - it's dark in my room but safe. It's at the end of a long long corridor and none knows the room is there. Noone bothers to even look down the corridor.

I have seen eyes in the corner of the room.

I have had a violent relapse as S puts it. I have cut and been having a violent sexual encounter with C. I could do some of the things he wanted so long as I wasn't me. The thing I have nejoyed the sex. I don't nomrally enjoy the sex. I have always just gone along with it but today I actually wanted it and it was never enough. I feel disgusted with myself for this and embarrassed too.

I deserve better you see. The reality is that C isn't everything I would want in a man. I like some thigns about him but he says he happiest maintaining a qiet life. Basically there is no real communication. No sharing of true feelings and thoughts. He doesn't want to be the bad person and yet is doing bad things. He spoke about times when he thinks he has been mentally abusive and is quite cruel really to his partner.

He is not trustworthy really. He said he could tell very quickly that I wasn't right in the head. But he knew we could get on. He probably as S said could detect my vulnerability even if not consciously. He did say in jest that he might stalk me. That's a bit scary even in jest. A bit of me wants him to - I like the drama.

I was manipulative. I asked him waht his plan was now regarding him and I. He said conveniently that he doesn't make plans. Of course he doesn;t make plans around this stuff - why would he when it's free available sex and the sound of a plan probably freaked him that I would want more commitment. So then I said well I have a plan and spoke about my need to cut contact. he said he was disappointed and I have interpreted that mongst other things he has said to mean he really does ,ike me after all.

There is another part of me - there is the lady in the red dress. She sort of arrives, is very attractive, sees a guy who has sotted her, has a torrid affair fr a couple fo days and then she disappears without saying very much at all. She is all powerful and I think she represents the rage that I am feeling. well detaching from and S says that's probabkly saved me to this point in my life. There will be a time I suppose when I will need to face it full on.

Well now I m tired and even though my bed and bedroom feel sordid and violated I will sleep in here.

Night - no emails to write to C. I miss him already. I eel guilty thinking he is sitting there missing me already - he will probably not miss me at all but miss the sexual interaction and he can find anyone to enter into that with. Not me though.

Really night now