Well that's been a long break since last writing here. To be truthful I haven't felt so inclined but also there has been little time that I could afford to writing simply for personal off load.
But here I am. So much has happened. It will be impossible to recall all the learning's.
Yesterday! Working backwards. I handed in my notice. After visiting with P on Thursday evening, seeing the new premises ad collecting the letter confirming my job offer, P then helped me write my letter of resignation. Excitedly I placed a copy on F's desk, N's desk and then not quite as I planned, handed one to L. S had walked in beforehand so I told her that I was handing in my notice, quantifying that with a start date of 1st Jan 2013 and so giving 3 months notice. I asked if she'd mind doing the Reflection group so that I could speak in private with L. However, L came in and said she was going straight upstairs to pay something or other. I didn't want her to hear from F so said "L, before you go I need to give you my letter of resignation." I then felt incredibly awkward. S was quiet and typing on the PC. L simply said "Oh! Oh! Oh!" and left the office in a flurry of petticoats and a bang of the door. It wasn't a fearsome bang but I heard it in the innards of my brains as a slam. I went off and did the Reflection group, knowing that S was tired after her day working at Spittalfields on her stall.
It wasn't like this but it felt like the rest of the day L pretty much ignored me. It also seemed and probably wasn't, or was it?, as if she ignored me practically unless confronted with having to speak with me. She suddenly wanted to be in all of the groups but conceded to S and I doing the Process group together. How ridiculous. I felt freed up in group and was much more comfortable to be me in group. Amazing. I have been agonising for weeks about how to be and where had all my awareness gone. I have been less than effective in group in my opinion. I have felt thwarted. But yesterday was an improvement. My confidence is low that's for sure. But I did start to notice the nuances of people and able to gently share what I noticed and ask questions about what I noticed.
One client is genuinely wanting to work on earlier issues and beginning to express her emotions rather than react to them with her Borderline Personality. It's been amazing working with her.
Later in the morning I went upstairs (management and administration offices). S was standing there talking with F. S left us to to talk. After closing the door I sat down. F was pleasant enough in some ways but was also the super-boss. I took this personally and felt offended and disappointed. But I have been able to step aside from that since. The things I was offended by were her saying that it was important my standards did not drop over the next 3 months. I said that something along the lines of me caring about the clients and not doing the job for money or the P Group and so would I would be disappointed in myself if that was necessary.
I responded to her suggesting that PD had coming poaching staff. F said something along the lines of knowing that he would be knocking on the door for staff at some point, she hadn't thought it would be quite this early. I felt compelled to state that P had not come to me but that I approached him. I reminded her that I had been unhappy and one of the options discussed when speaking with her was to leave. Having been working hard on altering myself within the role and within the relationship with L, I had come to realise that I needed to leave and so enquired with P. I went on to say that the ethics and principles working with L seem so different and without saying anyone is right or wrong there has come a point when we cannot agree to disagree. I mentioned to her that I had asked L not to tell me when she is crossing procedures so that I am not in a position of either having to betray her confidence or betray P Group. However, I was not comfortable with knowledge that this might be going on and it simply didn't seem safe for me personally. I continued saying that there had been some really good and interesting changes to the programme and had appreciated being exposed to different ideas to broaden my knowledge. But there had come a point when I needed to find something else where the philosophy matched my own ethics and principles. I think F heard this. What she heard though and what she does with it is none of my business. The conversation involved her very pointedly commenting on seeing how she can trust me not to steal clients. She didn't want me to speak with consultants at this stage nor other staff members. She wanted to first meet with consultants and would handle them herself. She said that P and I are highly respected by consultants and there needed to be clear guidelines if they were to refer. Their loyalties had to be with the P Group first and foremost. Some of them of course have their own private practices so I'm not sure how much jurisdiction the P Group have over the consultants. They has to be a two-way pathway for them otherwise they wouldn't be doing it I guess. P business must be valuable to them.
I asked if I would be permitted to come to the annual BBQ as I will find the hardest thing to be leaving the clients and the staff in the unit. I did say I was disappointed with P Group when realising that they do not invest in their staff. F of course made no comment. She did at one point speak about vocational work never being highly paid and how dissatisfying that was i.e. nurses, therapists, and yet IT and Bankers getting so much pay. I wonder what she would say about the high price of consultants and surgeons?
Anyhow I think it will be difficult to keep my departure from others around the hospital. After all S knows and we were talking about it. I am sure to tell people, I won't be able to help myself. I want to be able to share at my meetings as well and need to be careful.
What is interesting is how exhausted I am after dealing with everyone else's different emotional reactions to my resignation. So much so that I have decided not to go to London today. I will take today to clean and tidy. I would like to clean my home and get fresh air running through it. I will do a room at a time. I think I should like to change my living room around but I'm not sure of the best design. I'll give it a go. I also want to get new moth balls etc as I have noticed more flying about again. It appears the moth balls were working. I need loads and loads as the whole thing gives me a terrible feeling. I don't know how to put it into words. And oh that's made a link for me. I was just thinking as I was writing how the feeling with the moths is the same as the feeling with the mice at Bay Tree Cottage. I felt a mix of disgust and anger. I was angry with the mice and the moths for dirtying and ruining my possessions. I was loathe to use food ad get furious when there are holes in my clothes with these flipping moths. So people thought it was the larvae that eats the clothes. Oh no it isn't!! Anyway the connection that came to mind was linked with me not really knowing where this intense feeling comes from. And then remembered my mum telling me the reason I had a birthmark of a mouses bum on my bum was because when she was pregnant with me, a mice had run over her foot. She was terrified of mice and I think that terror has somehow been absorbed into the womb and become my own inbred terror. The feeling with the moths is the same. They are invading my life and should not be there yet I can not get them out. How interesting. it really fits as an explanation.
There's probably some psycho therapeutic paper on that somewhere. I'm not sure if there is some developmental research on that subject. It would be difficult to measure I think. If I were more proficient on the OU library site I would research it. Mind you I do not really have the time. Oh to be able to have such time.
Anyway the idea to not go today occurred when G was thinking about meeting for a walk. However, I am coming to realise that he is flaky. So he asked and showed up for one walk. Since then he has cancelled or not asked. I will step back from that. I am not supposed to be having any contact but self-will runs riot in me as they say in the rooms. It was after a body judder day that I texted him. It started with a text to JB but as my sponsor suggested it could have started with a call to my therapist SC. Interesting.
I was driving to work listening to Radio 4. There was mention of the investigations into social services about their supposed failings when themselves investigating the case of a gang of men grooming young girls to sexually abuse them. The report made mention of one or more these girls telling social services or teachers but their please being dismissed. Apparently one of the girls was accused of mixing with the wrong sorts. My dad always said that actually. It wasn't that thought that triggered me to be thinking of him. However, it's a valid thought in this moment. He was always accusing me of my badness because of the company I keep. Interesting. Even when I tried to make amends he said it was the people I mixed with. How I interpreted that was that I am stupid for making those choices. My dad was constantly saying I was stupid and did stupid things. So there was his critical voice in my head even though he probably didn't use the word stupid. It was within the essence I believe.
Anyway I started thinking about the way my dad used to role his tongue backwards and bite down on it. This would mean he had a horrid grimace and this aggressive mouth. He would then grunt or make a sort of sucking in and out noise through this foul mouth. I then thought of the shock when GW had done the same when he was beating me up or as G said "knocking me about". It was more than knocking me about. it was violent attacks that I was complicit in really. I was helpless and terrified and yet was complicit in it. I do need to talk about that with probably my sponsor. Will I have the courage and the ability to make that totally understood. It was not a knocking about and it kind of minimises what took place. A knocking about almost seems condescending of me. I think that links with my dad implying that women were stupid for letting it happen. I will ask G about that when I secretly talk with him.
This memory resulted in my body going into judders. I felt them in my vagina and on my clitoris. I felt the judders through my breasts and then reverberating throughout my body. I felt disgust and revulsion. I could not stop it. i tried calling people but no one answered. In the end I called SC and left a message. He called me back and eventually we were able to speak at lunchtime. He reminded me of his workshops. I can't quite remember what he suggested now. But it required me to be grounded. In a way work had become the boundary to hold me. I had to be somewhat centred even though I didn't feel it. I couldn't "act out", i.e. cut myself or eat, mainly because I didn't want to. I did act out later though by calling JB. However, with him I realised that I have always wanted to tell him because he gets angry. That was what I was afraid of. The judders turning to rage. I cannot contain my rage. The workshop with SC showed me the power of my rage in a physical form. I was held down ad had to keep engaging with the pilot because I was getting wilder and wilder the more I was restrained, The restraint though enabled the fury to emerge from me until I was exhausted. The judders have been turning to rage but thank goodness I have not gone and sought sex even though there have been thoughts now I come to think about it. I have not masturbated. I think I verged on sexual talk with G. reading that violent poem was a sign. So yes speaking with JB in the past has been a way of handing over my anger to someone else and watching it. But then mistaking that anger for being loved and cared for. Bullshit! What a wily survival technique. My dad would get angry and protective and I learnt that was love I think. When G said he was jealous of the gardener/chauffeur relationship I have with V in the village I immediately mistook that for something more intense than his insecurity. I am beginning to see and beginning to be able to stand back from my desires to be loved. it's all mistaken. He cannot commit nor wants to commit. He probably has half a dozen me's hence there is no need to call every day or night or respond to my texts. He can pick and choose and have variety. It's nothing to do with me. I will back of any calls or texts. The truth is I don't really know what's going on with him but get a sense it is not wholesome. It can't be because it's not from me either. I want what seems elusive. I think he's aware of that in himself too. I am getting to be better at being me.
I am not sure moving away was the only answer as I am learning within the contact. I do not what to talk for so long on the phone but it's a compulsion in me.
Anyhow this is the fire that I am playing with. I have felt insecure and pained at times. My imagination being fired with him toying with this woman or that. He really has issues, I think that's plain to see. He is very angry for one and with relationship issues the two suggest there is an addictive behaviour. Who am I to diagnose?
I do get excited to receive a text or have a conversation. I have noticed how I am less and less myself. Anyhow, I can keep trying. I have committed for it to not go any further than this so having him to visit would not be a good idea but there is the suggestion of that happening somehow. I just know it would be dangerous to be seated next to him on my settee. There is an attractive man there. And he is very intelligent. I am enticed and lured by intelligence and knowledge. The thing I miss out is the wisdom. But then if her were wise I'd probably be a bit fed up by now as he wouldn't be acting out. God please help me to keep G at a safe distance. I do not want to be entering into anything. As I know though and the film Take This Waltz screamed out at me, the affair is in the earliest interactions. In the film she said she didn't want to be unfaithful to her husband but she already was as her thoughts were lingering longer than a passing moment with this man. And she was actually spending time talking with him. There's the intrigue being created and the inevitability that they were powerless then to stop the passion developing. If someone truly wants to remain faithful, then they must take appropriate action. God the power of intrigue. I am powerless over it but so far unwilling to do anything about it. I find it difficult to put across and get people to see because it's elusive for me to see it. But when I do I know!
I don't know how to ask questions so that people get to see themselves. S does know. I would like some humanistic training just to get some tips on that. I would like some couples therapy training too and some family training. Just for some tips. The awful thing is training then takes removes the naturalness that can be just as valuable.
Perhaps I'll just ask S and also supervisor P.
What else has occurred? AB suddenly realises the intensity of hot flushes.I know that she spent the whole of my perri-menopause thinking I was griping over nothing. But boy! It was a real tough time. I think I have been feeling a bit hormonal. I have put on some weight and very uncomfortable with it. My food plan is now a massive amount of foods. I am not liking the extra weight and yet wasn't liking the underweight either. It's so odd though because I also liked it. It was a lovely feeling being so small. Even though I didn't necessarily like what I saw, I did like too.
Any other things? There are sure to be.
My dad. Well it's no wonder I'm thinking of the past when I am in more contact with him. The feelings are mixed ad confusing. On the one hand I am feeling scared as he is more often unwell. He continues to have a urinary infection. At 84 that on it's own is not good but with the fact that he had a kidney transplant in about 1999 I think, there's the added concnern that things are not good with his kidney. I am worried for him. Ad please God help him with his fear. i feel certain he is afraid of death. I think he vaoided being with my mum at the end. Either he is completely at ease with death but I tend to think he is terrified. I wonder how he deals with the fact eh wasn't there. In some ways I am glad because I was there and it meant that I was with someone who at the time I felt held by. Poor S having to be there at my mums death. i was terrified actually I didn't know what death would be looking like. It was horrible the rattle and the gradually ceasing of her breaths. And then seeing her liffeless - I took one more look at her but wished I had been able to stay in the room slightly longer. I feel sure I would have been able to sense her spirit. I wish I had gone back to see her. I feel so sad thinking of that last glance back at her. I miss her so much when I think of that. A final final goodbye. She was an extraordinary woman. It's moments like these when I am hurting with the loss that I want someone to hold me. The only person who can hold me entirely is me and God. God let me lean into you. Thank you.
Anyway with the thoughts about and for my dad also come memories. I often can think the sexual abuse wasn't real. But my body tells me it was so real. I can feel it then as I write about it. The occasion when my mum was away ad I was lying on the settee with him touching my bosy was the most revolting. Mainly because I was complicit in it. But being the father he should have discouraged it. Fucking hell! It's disgusting. Why didn't he stop it? He was supposed to.
Ad then time sin bed when I would try to lie very very still as if I wasn't there because he's be rubbing himself against me. I would feel his willy knowingly as I got older. Ugh it revolts me to the pojnt of wanting to be sick. Why did he do it?? He was unable to help himself. I wonder how the hell he feels about it. Does he feel wrong or does it seem right to him? There is suggestion that paedophiles believe they are doing the right thing. Oh God, please help remove this from me.
This is when the confusion sets in and this can tap into the anger. I am typing more furiously and hitting the keyboard ferociously when I hit the full stop or exclamation mark. it's there. I need to notice this and calm the fury. It's the fury that drives me to want to pick up the phone and text a man. I told JB my realisations that I want him to pick up my anger. He was a prime victime for it. I am sorry for doing that. Then mistaking the anger. I do it unconsciously really yet there it is . I start telling a man who shows a little interest as a text. If they pick up the anger then they muct really like me. What a fucking mix up mess.
And what about my mum in all of this? People say that often issues in relationsip with men is more associated with mother issues than father. I am not sure I see any connection. There is the fact that my mum loved me and I know it. But how do I know it when she was not really there. She adored my dad despite the way he was. She travelled a lot. She worked a lot. She adored people generally ad was a socialite. I could get infuriated with her. Especially when I was a teenager. I think I held anger towards her for adoring my dad when he was so bloody difficult with me. She would sometimes side with me then side with him in a seemingly unreasonable way. Sometimes she would collude with me in bitching about him and other times she wouldn't have anything bad said about him. Sometimes we would be two united in combat with him. I would protect her at the expense of his wrath turning onto me. Oh! That's what I do still with people. And I did it this week with the Psychodrama group.
L had asked S weeks ago to do the Pcyhodrama group. S immediately suckered me into the issue. Then it became a we. Because I like S I allowed myself to be sucjered in. The two of us. But when S started to battle with L I was protective of S. Bloody hell S does not need protecting but there is a dynamic there as she lets me. I wonder if she knows what she's doing or if it's unconscious dynamics for her too. Well I need to step bakc from protecting her. I get it in the neck then from L. It is the same family dynamics. S is my mum, L is my father. 'ucking hell.
Anyway that resulted in L saying we could have said something sooner. There is no point in re-visiting it as the error on my part was long before we were talking about not knowing what to do.
I was also pleased that E told me what L was saying in the clinical governance meeting. She was telling them that S and I are reluctant to do Assessments. E said that it was strange as we always used to do them. what she's not saying is that I don't arrange them as it's never clear where or what her diary is like. There was an enquiry on Wed but I could not commit a time for Tursday as I am never confident that our diary is accurate. And ith there just ebing L and I in it would be ridiculous to try and fit in all the ward rounds and groups and 1:1's and an assessment without first speaking with her. As it happens it's a good job. She had a 1:1 that wasn't in the diary - this was Thurs 3rd Oct if ever ayone wants to investigate.
The time and motion details she is keeping scares me. As I am alswyas afraid of being outed as lazy. Mainly it's a fear that being busy they will give me more and not take into account the fullness of what I am doing already. Some of it of course is private earnings after hours and I haven't wanted that to be removed. I have enjoyed that extra money ad will miss it. There will be a need to readjust of course as working with P there won't be those opportunities. Everything we do will be for the business. The pay is a light increase but £2000 over 52 weeks is not a great deal more - in fact before tax it's a mere £166 per month. That will hardly notice. However travelling will cost slightly less time and fuel wise. And working 4 days per week when I'm studying will reduce fuel costs.
I will ask P if to begin with I can have each Friday off for my studies. That will be so helpful with regard to getting some realy studying done and some down time too. It will be less stressful anyway.
As for the synamics of mother and my choice and behaviour with men. It's not clear to me. With time no doubt it will become clearer.
So today I have chosen not to go to London. Too exhausted with being me in response to the emotional reactions of others has drained me entirely. A day at home doing this and pottering and then the meeting this evening seems enough. I need to study too!
If G feels like a walk today then all well and good. Otherwise it will have to wait until Thurs.
It will be good for me to say I'm unavailable if it's tomorrow he suggests.
I am worrying about being able to have my leave. F was quite direct about that. The P group would not pay me for any unused leave. They are so fucking mean. I am even gladder to be getting out of the environment - even if working for a one man band means there is even less staff investment I know that P as a person invests in people. There is so much difference. I know that if and whn he can invest he would. He cares. The P Group really do not invest in development or care. Another thing that I realise I do not like you see is the staffing principles of the compay. Nothing is perfect but when several things start to build up against me then the whole thing can be unsettling. So that's when it's time to move on or find a way to accept it. It's not acceptable and I s'pose being an addict I want it all. Actually that's not true.When P was the Team Leader, the P Group was still the same. Tosome degree I think F tried to create some degree of staff care. However I think the P Group have even clamped down on that. But even so P kept the team as happy as he could. But once that was gone as well it just didn't suit me. There is nothing wrong in that. I say that ebcause I can give myself a hard time for wanting things to be good. Now that's very unkind to me.
Just when I think I've run out of things that have occurred or run though my mind I have become aware of the fascaintion I have in the macabre. With this tragic situation of little April Jones.
It's now a murder enquiry. It's disturbing me just how engorssed I can be with these cases. Take for instance JH's sister. I was aware of it at the time and even more interested now. With the murderer being realeased it's aroused all this feeling inside of me. Pcyhologically I wonder why people like me become drawn to the macabre. Someone said yesterday that's why people buy newspapers and watch the news. Is that pure interest or do others feel this intensity that I feel too. It's stronger than an interest. I can still recall reading a report in my dad's newspaper of a gril who had disappeared. I can't remember all of the details but it fascinated me that she could not be located and there were clues to say that she was buried underground. I think he was calle dthe black panther. These names that are given to really markedly lable the murderers increase the intensity. Why dowe do this? I am curiosu as to the evolutionary function of this? What could it be matched with in the early days of human development? Is it merely curiosity. But didn't curiosity kill the cat. Is it beyond self preservation? Again there's probably a lot of research into this. INterest in the macabre.
There is the need for bhorror and shockking films. It's not something that's new knowledge about myself but something that I'm jsut sharing with people. I say that because often when I talk about such things with M i get the impression that she feels superiro because she's always known it about herself. I thik I can do that too. Appear as if I've always been aware and aren't you stoopid for not knwing this about yourself. I hope to be able to use that peice of self awareness without having to take humbridge and intolernace of her grandiose self. Be aware and accetant.
I thought of her because I know she has watched ad watched horror frilms. Is she attempting to desensitise from the fears or desenstise from her own issues.
I don't think my macabre interest is to desensitise from my own issues. Just checking on that having written it. It's possible I suppose. But somehow it feels seperate. I immedtiately called J yesterday hearing the news that the April Jones case is now a murder enquiry. I wonder if they are holding the right man? I remember the same degree of curiosity and intensity with the little Soham girls. I remember the feeling of injustice too. Not understanding why they needed to be killed and where was God in that? I feel angry with you God that these things happen to little innocent children. Why don't you protect them? When B (sponsor) said where is God in this today for you Bliss? I felt that anger again. I felt it when she said it the other day. I pleased with God in my younger years without knowing it was God I was pleading to. No one helpe me. I even went to the Church. Both times so helpless and wanting but was not met with any welsome. The one and only person who has been at all welcoming has been Sister N. I avoid her though for fear of being rejected if I won't accept all of her ways. I would like to take a weekend break there and just be. I try too hard with her. I just want to be amongst utter acceptance. I think that is the exxhaustion I feel within me. Time away from everything and everyone seems very appealing. A silent retreat. Me and LouLou and a simply nothing programme. I am pretty certain I would sruggle with that. Maybe I could just take one book to read. Just one immediately became problematic thinking which one - study or fiction? Gosh! I am certainly activity addicted.
So the sunshine is out. G has invited me for a walk some time today. Somewhere on the Downs he says. Where on the Downs?
Okay well I think I'll take LL for a quick village stroll. And then get on with some cleaning and tidying before lunch. I'll need to bathe and prepare my supper because I need to get to the Petersfield meeting to be secretary. I smiled when I learnt it was K from Hayling who is doing the chair. Gosh how she tests my patience. She's lovely but bloody hell her neediness can suck me dry.
I think that's all I have time for now. Good to get that all out of my head including realisations. I have a bit of a headache and I do think I am coming down with something. I ache internally.
Take This Waltz
Written and Directed by Sarah Polley
Starring Michelle Williams, Seth Rogan, Luke Kirby, and Sarah Silverman.
I gave it a 4.75 out of 5.
An affair torn between two loves. Once the intrigue develops it gets between love.
I wonder if though it can ever be long lasting love from then on i.e. if it's from a dysfunctional under-emotion or is it true love. In which case was the first love ever true love? Is it possible to keep falling in true love?
Bliss
XX
But here I am. So much has happened. It will be impossible to recall all the learning's.
Yesterday! Working backwards. I handed in my notice. After visiting with P on Thursday evening, seeing the new premises ad collecting the letter confirming my job offer, P then helped me write my letter of resignation. Excitedly I placed a copy on F's desk, N's desk and then not quite as I planned, handed one to L. S had walked in beforehand so I told her that I was handing in my notice, quantifying that with a start date of 1st Jan 2013 and so giving 3 months notice. I asked if she'd mind doing the Reflection group so that I could speak in private with L. However, L came in and said she was going straight upstairs to pay something or other. I didn't want her to hear from F so said "L, before you go I need to give you my letter of resignation." I then felt incredibly awkward. S was quiet and typing on the PC. L simply said "Oh! Oh! Oh!" and left the office in a flurry of petticoats and a bang of the door. It wasn't a fearsome bang but I heard it in the innards of my brains as a slam. I went off and did the Reflection group, knowing that S was tired after her day working at Spittalfields on her stall.
It wasn't like this but it felt like the rest of the day L pretty much ignored me. It also seemed and probably wasn't, or was it?, as if she ignored me practically unless confronted with having to speak with me. She suddenly wanted to be in all of the groups but conceded to S and I doing the Process group together. How ridiculous. I felt freed up in group and was much more comfortable to be me in group. Amazing. I have been agonising for weeks about how to be and where had all my awareness gone. I have been less than effective in group in my opinion. I have felt thwarted. But yesterday was an improvement. My confidence is low that's for sure. But I did start to notice the nuances of people and able to gently share what I noticed and ask questions about what I noticed.
One client is genuinely wanting to work on earlier issues and beginning to express her emotions rather than react to them with her Borderline Personality. It's been amazing working with her.
Later in the morning I went upstairs (management and administration offices). S was standing there talking with F. S left us to to talk. After closing the door I sat down. F was pleasant enough in some ways but was also the super-boss. I took this personally and felt offended and disappointed. But I have been able to step aside from that since. The things I was offended by were her saying that it was important my standards did not drop over the next 3 months. I said that something along the lines of me caring about the clients and not doing the job for money or the P Group and so would I would be disappointed in myself if that was necessary.
I responded to her suggesting that PD had coming poaching staff. F said something along the lines of knowing that he would be knocking on the door for staff at some point, she hadn't thought it would be quite this early. I felt compelled to state that P had not come to me but that I approached him. I reminded her that I had been unhappy and one of the options discussed when speaking with her was to leave. Having been working hard on altering myself within the role and within the relationship with L, I had come to realise that I needed to leave and so enquired with P. I went on to say that the ethics and principles working with L seem so different and without saying anyone is right or wrong there has come a point when we cannot agree to disagree. I mentioned to her that I had asked L not to tell me when she is crossing procedures so that I am not in a position of either having to betray her confidence or betray P Group. However, I was not comfortable with knowledge that this might be going on and it simply didn't seem safe for me personally. I continued saying that there had been some really good and interesting changes to the programme and had appreciated being exposed to different ideas to broaden my knowledge. But there had come a point when I needed to find something else where the philosophy matched my own ethics and principles. I think F heard this. What she heard though and what she does with it is none of my business. The conversation involved her very pointedly commenting on seeing how she can trust me not to steal clients. She didn't want me to speak with consultants at this stage nor other staff members. She wanted to first meet with consultants and would handle them herself. She said that P and I are highly respected by consultants and there needed to be clear guidelines if they were to refer. Their loyalties had to be with the P Group first and foremost. Some of them of course have their own private practices so I'm not sure how much jurisdiction the P Group have over the consultants. They has to be a two-way pathway for them otherwise they wouldn't be doing it I guess. P business must be valuable to them.
I asked if I would be permitted to come to the annual BBQ as I will find the hardest thing to be leaving the clients and the staff in the unit. I did say I was disappointed with P Group when realising that they do not invest in their staff. F of course made no comment. She did at one point speak about vocational work never being highly paid and how dissatisfying that was i.e. nurses, therapists, and yet IT and Bankers getting so much pay. I wonder what she would say about the high price of consultants and surgeons?
Anyhow I think it will be difficult to keep my departure from others around the hospital. After all S knows and we were talking about it. I am sure to tell people, I won't be able to help myself. I want to be able to share at my meetings as well and need to be careful.
What is interesting is how exhausted I am after dealing with everyone else's different emotional reactions to my resignation. So much so that I have decided not to go to London today. I will take today to clean and tidy. I would like to clean my home and get fresh air running through it. I will do a room at a time. I think I should like to change my living room around but I'm not sure of the best design. I'll give it a go. I also want to get new moth balls etc as I have noticed more flying about again. It appears the moth balls were working. I need loads and loads as the whole thing gives me a terrible feeling. I don't know how to put it into words. And oh that's made a link for me. I was just thinking as I was writing how the feeling with the moths is the same as the feeling with the mice at Bay Tree Cottage. I felt a mix of disgust and anger. I was angry with the mice and the moths for dirtying and ruining my possessions. I was loathe to use food ad get furious when there are holes in my clothes with these flipping moths. So people thought it was the larvae that eats the clothes. Oh no it isn't!! Anyway the connection that came to mind was linked with me not really knowing where this intense feeling comes from. And then remembered my mum telling me the reason I had a birthmark of a mouses bum on my bum was because when she was pregnant with me, a mice had run over her foot. She was terrified of mice and I think that terror has somehow been absorbed into the womb and become my own inbred terror. The feeling with the moths is the same. They are invading my life and should not be there yet I can not get them out. How interesting. it really fits as an explanation.
There's probably some psycho therapeutic paper on that somewhere. I'm not sure if there is some developmental research on that subject. It would be difficult to measure I think. If I were more proficient on the OU library site I would research it. Mind you I do not really have the time. Oh to be able to have such time.
Anyway the idea to not go today occurred when G was thinking about meeting for a walk. However, I am coming to realise that he is flaky. So he asked and showed up for one walk. Since then he has cancelled or not asked. I will step back from that. I am not supposed to be having any contact but self-will runs riot in me as they say in the rooms. It was after a body judder day that I texted him. It started with a text to JB but as my sponsor suggested it could have started with a call to my therapist SC. Interesting.
I was driving to work listening to Radio 4. There was mention of the investigations into social services about their supposed failings when themselves investigating the case of a gang of men grooming young girls to sexually abuse them. The report made mention of one or more these girls telling social services or teachers but their please being dismissed. Apparently one of the girls was accused of mixing with the wrong sorts. My dad always said that actually. It wasn't that thought that triggered me to be thinking of him. However, it's a valid thought in this moment. He was always accusing me of my badness because of the company I keep. Interesting. Even when I tried to make amends he said it was the people I mixed with. How I interpreted that was that I am stupid for making those choices. My dad was constantly saying I was stupid and did stupid things. So there was his critical voice in my head even though he probably didn't use the word stupid. It was within the essence I believe.
Anyway I started thinking about the way my dad used to role his tongue backwards and bite down on it. This would mean he had a horrid grimace and this aggressive mouth. He would then grunt or make a sort of sucking in and out noise through this foul mouth. I then thought of the shock when GW had done the same when he was beating me up or as G said "knocking me about". It was more than knocking me about. it was violent attacks that I was complicit in really. I was helpless and terrified and yet was complicit in it. I do need to talk about that with probably my sponsor. Will I have the courage and the ability to make that totally understood. It was not a knocking about and it kind of minimises what took place. A knocking about almost seems condescending of me. I think that links with my dad implying that women were stupid for letting it happen. I will ask G about that when I secretly talk with him.
This memory resulted in my body going into judders. I felt them in my vagina and on my clitoris. I felt the judders through my breasts and then reverberating throughout my body. I felt disgust and revulsion. I could not stop it. i tried calling people but no one answered. In the end I called SC and left a message. He called me back and eventually we were able to speak at lunchtime. He reminded me of his workshops. I can't quite remember what he suggested now. But it required me to be grounded. In a way work had become the boundary to hold me. I had to be somewhat centred even though I didn't feel it. I couldn't "act out", i.e. cut myself or eat, mainly because I didn't want to. I did act out later though by calling JB. However, with him I realised that I have always wanted to tell him because he gets angry. That was what I was afraid of. The judders turning to rage. I cannot contain my rage. The workshop with SC showed me the power of my rage in a physical form. I was held down ad had to keep engaging with the pilot because I was getting wilder and wilder the more I was restrained, The restraint though enabled the fury to emerge from me until I was exhausted. The judders have been turning to rage but thank goodness I have not gone and sought sex even though there have been thoughts now I come to think about it. I have not masturbated. I think I verged on sexual talk with G. reading that violent poem was a sign. So yes speaking with JB in the past has been a way of handing over my anger to someone else and watching it. But then mistaking that anger for being loved and cared for. Bullshit! What a wily survival technique. My dad would get angry and protective and I learnt that was love I think. When G said he was jealous of the gardener/chauffeur relationship I have with V in the village I immediately mistook that for something more intense than his insecurity. I am beginning to see and beginning to be able to stand back from my desires to be loved. it's all mistaken. He cannot commit nor wants to commit. He probably has half a dozen me's hence there is no need to call every day or night or respond to my texts. He can pick and choose and have variety. It's nothing to do with me. I will back of any calls or texts. The truth is I don't really know what's going on with him but get a sense it is not wholesome. It can't be because it's not from me either. I want what seems elusive. I think he's aware of that in himself too. I am getting to be better at being me.
I am not sure moving away was the only answer as I am learning within the contact. I do not what to talk for so long on the phone but it's a compulsion in me.
Anyhow this is the fire that I am playing with. I have felt insecure and pained at times. My imagination being fired with him toying with this woman or that. He really has issues, I think that's plain to see. He is very angry for one and with relationship issues the two suggest there is an addictive behaviour. Who am I to diagnose?
I do get excited to receive a text or have a conversation. I have noticed how I am less and less myself. Anyhow, I can keep trying. I have committed for it to not go any further than this so having him to visit would not be a good idea but there is the suggestion of that happening somehow. I just know it would be dangerous to be seated next to him on my settee. There is an attractive man there. And he is very intelligent. I am enticed and lured by intelligence and knowledge. The thing I miss out is the wisdom. But then if her were wise I'd probably be a bit fed up by now as he wouldn't be acting out. God please help me to keep G at a safe distance. I do not want to be entering into anything. As I know though and the film Take This Waltz screamed out at me, the affair is in the earliest interactions. In the film she said she didn't want to be unfaithful to her husband but she already was as her thoughts were lingering longer than a passing moment with this man. And she was actually spending time talking with him. There's the intrigue being created and the inevitability that they were powerless then to stop the passion developing. If someone truly wants to remain faithful, then they must take appropriate action. God the power of intrigue. I am powerless over it but so far unwilling to do anything about it. I find it difficult to put across and get people to see because it's elusive for me to see it. But when I do I know!
I don't know how to ask questions so that people get to see themselves. S does know. I would like some humanistic training just to get some tips on that. I would like some couples therapy training too and some family training. Just for some tips. The awful thing is training then takes removes the naturalness that can be just as valuable.
Perhaps I'll just ask S and also supervisor P.
What else has occurred? AB suddenly realises the intensity of hot flushes.I know that she spent the whole of my perri-menopause thinking I was griping over nothing. But boy! It was a real tough time. I think I have been feeling a bit hormonal. I have put on some weight and very uncomfortable with it. My food plan is now a massive amount of foods. I am not liking the extra weight and yet wasn't liking the underweight either. It's so odd though because I also liked it. It was a lovely feeling being so small. Even though I didn't necessarily like what I saw, I did like too.
Any other things? There are sure to be.
My dad. Well it's no wonder I'm thinking of the past when I am in more contact with him. The feelings are mixed ad confusing. On the one hand I am feeling scared as he is more often unwell. He continues to have a urinary infection. At 84 that on it's own is not good but with the fact that he had a kidney transplant in about 1999 I think, there's the added concnern that things are not good with his kidney. I am worried for him. Ad please God help him with his fear. i feel certain he is afraid of death. I think he vaoided being with my mum at the end. Either he is completely at ease with death but I tend to think he is terrified. I wonder how he deals with the fact eh wasn't there. In some ways I am glad because I was there and it meant that I was with someone who at the time I felt held by. Poor S having to be there at my mums death. i was terrified actually I didn't know what death would be looking like. It was horrible the rattle and the gradually ceasing of her breaths. And then seeing her liffeless - I took one more look at her but wished I had been able to stay in the room slightly longer. I feel sure I would have been able to sense her spirit. I wish I had gone back to see her. I feel so sad thinking of that last glance back at her. I miss her so much when I think of that. A final final goodbye. She was an extraordinary woman. It's moments like these when I am hurting with the loss that I want someone to hold me. The only person who can hold me entirely is me and God. God let me lean into you. Thank you.
Anyway with the thoughts about and for my dad also come memories. I often can think the sexual abuse wasn't real. But my body tells me it was so real. I can feel it then as I write about it. The occasion when my mum was away ad I was lying on the settee with him touching my bosy was the most revolting. Mainly because I was complicit in it. But being the father he should have discouraged it. Fucking hell! It's disgusting. Why didn't he stop it? He was supposed to.
Ad then time sin bed when I would try to lie very very still as if I wasn't there because he's be rubbing himself against me. I would feel his willy knowingly as I got older. Ugh it revolts me to the pojnt of wanting to be sick. Why did he do it?? He was unable to help himself. I wonder how the hell he feels about it. Does he feel wrong or does it seem right to him? There is suggestion that paedophiles believe they are doing the right thing. Oh God, please help remove this from me.
This is when the confusion sets in and this can tap into the anger. I am typing more furiously and hitting the keyboard ferociously when I hit the full stop or exclamation mark. it's there. I need to notice this and calm the fury. It's the fury that drives me to want to pick up the phone and text a man. I told JB my realisations that I want him to pick up my anger. He was a prime victime for it. I am sorry for doing that. Then mistaking the anger. I do it unconsciously really yet there it is . I start telling a man who shows a little interest as a text. If they pick up the anger then they muct really like me. What a fucking mix up mess.
And what about my mum in all of this? People say that often issues in relationsip with men is more associated with mother issues than father. I am not sure I see any connection. There is the fact that my mum loved me and I know it. But how do I know it when she was not really there. She adored my dad despite the way he was. She travelled a lot. She worked a lot. She adored people generally ad was a socialite. I could get infuriated with her. Especially when I was a teenager. I think I held anger towards her for adoring my dad when he was so bloody difficult with me. She would sometimes side with me then side with him in a seemingly unreasonable way. Sometimes she would collude with me in bitching about him and other times she wouldn't have anything bad said about him. Sometimes we would be two united in combat with him. I would protect her at the expense of his wrath turning onto me. Oh! That's what I do still with people. And I did it this week with the Psychodrama group.
L had asked S weeks ago to do the Pcyhodrama group. S immediately suckered me into the issue. Then it became a we. Because I like S I allowed myself to be sucjered in. The two of us. But when S started to battle with L I was protective of S. Bloody hell S does not need protecting but there is a dynamic there as she lets me. I wonder if she knows what she's doing or if it's unconscious dynamics for her too. Well I need to step bakc from protecting her. I get it in the neck then from L. It is the same family dynamics. S is my mum, L is my father. 'ucking hell.
Anyway that resulted in L saying we could have said something sooner. There is no point in re-visiting it as the error on my part was long before we were talking about not knowing what to do.
I was also pleased that E told me what L was saying in the clinical governance meeting. She was telling them that S and I are reluctant to do Assessments. E said that it was strange as we always used to do them. what she's not saying is that I don't arrange them as it's never clear where or what her diary is like. There was an enquiry on Wed but I could not commit a time for Tursday as I am never confident that our diary is accurate. And ith there just ebing L and I in it would be ridiculous to try and fit in all the ward rounds and groups and 1:1's and an assessment without first speaking with her. As it happens it's a good job. She had a 1:1 that wasn't in the diary - this was Thurs 3rd Oct if ever ayone wants to investigate.
The time and motion details she is keeping scares me. As I am alswyas afraid of being outed as lazy. Mainly it's a fear that being busy they will give me more and not take into account the fullness of what I am doing already. Some of it of course is private earnings after hours and I haven't wanted that to be removed. I have enjoyed that extra money ad will miss it. There will be a need to readjust of course as working with P there won't be those opportunities. Everything we do will be for the business. The pay is a light increase but £2000 over 52 weeks is not a great deal more - in fact before tax it's a mere £166 per month. That will hardly notice. However travelling will cost slightly less time and fuel wise. And working 4 days per week when I'm studying will reduce fuel costs.
I will ask P if to begin with I can have each Friday off for my studies. That will be so helpful with regard to getting some realy studying done and some down time too. It will be less stressful anyway.
As for the synamics of mother and my choice and behaviour with men. It's not clear to me. With time no doubt it will become clearer.
So today I have chosen not to go to London. Too exhausted with being me in response to the emotional reactions of others has drained me entirely. A day at home doing this and pottering and then the meeting this evening seems enough. I need to study too!
If G feels like a walk today then all well and good. Otherwise it will have to wait until Thurs.
It will be good for me to say I'm unavailable if it's tomorrow he suggests.
I am worrying about being able to have my leave. F was quite direct about that. The P group would not pay me for any unused leave. They are so fucking mean. I am even gladder to be getting out of the environment - even if working for a one man band means there is even less staff investment I know that P as a person invests in people. There is so much difference. I know that if and whn he can invest he would. He cares. The P Group really do not invest in development or care. Another thing that I realise I do not like you see is the staffing principles of the compay. Nothing is perfect but when several things start to build up against me then the whole thing can be unsettling. So that's when it's time to move on or find a way to accept it. It's not acceptable and I s'pose being an addict I want it all. Actually that's not true.When P was the Team Leader, the P Group was still the same. Tosome degree I think F tried to create some degree of staff care. However I think the P Group have even clamped down on that. But even so P kept the team as happy as he could. But once that was gone as well it just didn't suit me. There is nothing wrong in that. I say that ebcause I can give myself a hard time for wanting things to be good. Now that's very unkind to me.
Just when I think I've run out of things that have occurred or run though my mind I have become aware of the fascaintion I have in the macabre. With this tragic situation of little April Jones.
It's now a murder enquiry. It's disturbing me just how engorssed I can be with these cases. Take for instance JH's sister. I was aware of it at the time and even more interested now. With the murderer being realeased it's aroused all this feeling inside of me. Pcyhologically I wonder why people like me become drawn to the macabre. Someone said yesterday that's why people buy newspapers and watch the news. Is that pure interest or do others feel this intensity that I feel too. It's stronger than an interest. I can still recall reading a report in my dad's newspaper of a gril who had disappeared. I can't remember all of the details but it fascinated me that she could not be located and there were clues to say that she was buried underground. I think he was calle dthe black panther. These names that are given to really markedly lable the murderers increase the intensity. Why dowe do this? I am curiosu as to the evolutionary function of this? What could it be matched with in the early days of human development? Is it merely curiosity. But didn't curiosity kill the cat. Is it beyond self preservation? Again there's probably a lot of research into this. INterest in the macabre.
There is the need for bhorror and shockking films. It's not something that's new knowledge about myself but something that I'm jsut sharing with people. I say that because often when I talk about such things with M i get the impression that she feels superiro because she's always known it about herself. I thik I can do that too. Appear as if I've always been aware and aren't you stoopid for not knwing this about yourself. I hope to be able to use that peice of self awareness without having to take humbridge and intolernace of her grandiose self. Be aware and accetant.
I thought of her because I know she has watched ad watched horror frilms. Is she attempting to desensitise from the fears or desenstise from her own issues.
I don't think my macabre interest is to desensitise from my own issues. Just checking on that having written it. It's possible I suppose. But somehow it feels seperate. I immedtiately called J yesterday hearing the news that the April Jones case is now a murder enquiry. I wonder if they are holding the right man? I remember the same degree of curiosity and intensity with the little Soham girls. I remember the feeling of injustice too. Not understanding why they needed to be killed and where was God in that? I feel angry with you God that these things happen to little innocent children. Why don't you protect them? When B (sponsor) said where is God in this today for you Bliss? I felt that anger again. I felt it when she said it the other day. I pleased with God in my younger years without knowing it was God I was pleading to. No one helpe me. I even went to the Church. Both times so helpless and wanting but was not met with any welsome. The one and only person who has been at all welcoming has been Sister N. I avoid her though for fear of being rejected if I won't accept all of her ways. I would like to take a weekend break there and just be. I try too hard with her. I just want to be amongst utter acceptance. I think that is the exxhaustion I feel within me. Time away from everything and everyone seems very appealing. A silent retreat. Me and LouLou and a simply nothing programme. I am pretty certain I would sruggle with that. Maybe I could just take one book to read. Just one immediately became problematic thinking which one - study or fiction? Gosh! I am certainly activity addicted.
So the sunshine is out. G has invited me for a walk some time today. Somewhere on the Downs he says. Where on the Downs?
Okay well I think I'll take LL for a quick village stroll. And then get on with some cleaning and tidying before lunch. I'll need to bathe and prepare my supper because I need to get to the Petersfield meeting to be secretary. I smiled when I learnt it was K from Hayling who is doing the chair. Gosh how she tests my patience. She's lovely but bloody hell her neediness can suck me dry.
I think that's all I have time for now. Good to get that all out of my head including realisations. I have a bit of a headache and I do think I am coming down with something. I ache internally.
Take This Waltz
Written and Directed by Sarah Polley
Starring Michelle Williams, Seth Rogan, Luke Kirby, and Sarah Silverman.
I gave it a 4.75 out of 5.
An affair torn between two loves. Once the intrigue develops it gets between love.
I wonder if though it can ever be long lasting love from then on i.e. if it's from a dysfunctional under-emotion or is it true love. In which case was the first love ever true love? Is it possible to keep falling in true love?
Bliss
XX
