Coming home I feel so empty. Coming home for the last 7 - 8 months has been an excitement to meet with my love JH. Now we don't meet. No wake up calls in the morning.
And then I also feel an anger. I am angry that actually all the passion I put into JH and I was somehow worthless. It was real from me but now seems as if it was worthless from him. He was involved with so many others!!
Gosh that hurts so much. I know he talked about in his mind he was with me - but the reality is something very different.
God I want to believe that he will be making changes and that because I love him I can work with him. I am toing and froing because the other part of me knows how hard it is to stay straight and narrow. How hard it is when feelings arise and temptation gains it's strength at these times. The Devil knows how to utilise moments of weakness. And JH is only just looking at this.
Part of me wonders if all this he has told me is also falsity. And I get scared to trust as I have put trust in only to become aware each time that my intuition is right.
I am glad to know that I can listen to my intuition and instincts. I am not crazy at all. ES got some relief I hope knowing that her intuition was right and she wasn't crazy.
JH is such a lovely man. A man I fell in love with apart from this other side of him. I want to be able to love and cherish all that is good and the other side to be managed. That's what I want.
I have had a life time of men that seem to get some kind of pay off taking women for a ride. I really believed that JH was different - so he wasn't open and wasn't honest. But I still want to believe that fundamentally he never meant to hurt me, and that really he did care.
I am not sure he knows actually if he loves or loved me. He seems so confused about many things. One minute he thought he needed to go and try once more with a new outlook with his wife. Then he realised later that wasn't what it was. He said he was in the wrong place but new it was right to do. So much confusion. And how can anyone so confused really know whether they are in love or not.
There are so many things for JH to explore with himself. I truly, truly hope he does.
I would love it if some time we can be together. But I also know with time I will heal and move on.
I will always be available to be a friend. I will not allow myself knowingly to be another ES, Mona, Marguerite, IL or any others that have existed.
I suspect that JH will meet with Mona after all or maybe another new one when he goes to America. I look forward to the moment when I can let go and it will no longer matter who he is with or not. Fuck it hurts so much.
Yet today I have had a sense of calm. I have had absolute clarity in my work. There has been some good therapy taking place today. Clients feeling so safe within their group, disclosures of releasing enormity. Shifts that are most unexpected. And I have felt at ease being me.
I realised whilst driving home that I have been so on edge for a number of months now. Trying to control what I instinctively knew was going on. Not free to be me and do my own things, needing to always be available for JH as if I wasn't he would use the time to be contacting one of the others. SHIT! It hurts hurts hurts to write that. I gave everything of me and he gave partially to me. I want to believe that it was in his denial of what he was truly doing. And I get annoyed with myself for not pulling away sooner. I kept saying to myself "if I learn of something else that will be it!" And then I learnt of something else and decided to believe and work with it. Each time. I so love him. He will never really know that I don't think. Or maybe there is a possibility if he really does get on the path of change.
PD commented on how different and serene I looked this morning. And I am in contact with friends and arranging things to do. I had not been doing any of this I realise trying to stay close to JH. Losing myself slightly and yet not as fully as I would have done in the past. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my time with JH. Oh my gosh I really have enjoyed discussions and laughs and sex and closeness. It's juts fucking annoying that actually there was always something standing between us. I knew it but didn't know.
More to write .............
I love speaking with HB - she is such a vibrant person and doesn't even know it. And my little fairy Goddaughter. She is just a bundle of cuddle. And then ML. I have the most amazing people in my life. I consider myself incredibly fortunate. I still want JH in my life but not they way he has treated me. I do not blame him, I truly don't. And I even believe he really cares for me. I am not sure if I believe he loves me. I feel too hurt. That to me isn't loving. I think there is a complete denial of the reality which as a recovering addict I truly understand. I love him and could stand by him whilst he starts the work on himself. But I am not prepared to be in a relationship that is not monogamous.
Ew yuchy feeling. As I write that I have just returned to wondering who what he is doing???
Let go! We are not together. We are speaking at the weekend. I just got a sense that I am feeling as if we are still together and we are not. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell to be without him and it hurts like hell that he has been so dishonest and deceitful - that's not loving behaviour
I will get over this. I do love him. I would support any changes but not with ongoing deceit. And that cannot take time to change it's now or never but then I am writing that again like we are in a relationship
Shit - too tired for all of this and need to sleep and stop the washing machine spinning.
I had a wonderful conversation with my cousins young daughter. 13years old. She is so interesting and interested and very loving. She seemed really excited that we were talking and it was such a grown up conversation. She is studying and presenting to her class on the subject of the Chinese one child policy. Gosh she was amazing in what she had learnt and so very grown up in her opinions. I mentioned to her Amnesty International and apparently she is now really keen to work towards a career somewhere in the line of humanity. How exciting!
And then speaking with HB - my fairy Goddaughter. And how loving she is. And then SW my other big fairy Goddaughter. I feel so blessed to have these young people in my love. All love and cuddles and innocent really. I am a very very blessed person in so many ways.
Thank you Universe for all the people and the experiences I have.
Please can you sort things out for JH and I. Whatever you think best really - Universe?????
I am going to sleep.
It's good to write.
Bliss
XX
And then I also feel an anger. I am angry that actually all the passion I put into JH and I was somehow worthless. It was real from me but now seems as if it was worthless from him. He was involved with so many others!!
Gosh that hurts so much. I know he talked about in his mind he was with me - but the reality is something very different.
God I want to believe that he will be making changes and that because I love him I can work with him. I am toing and froing because the other part of me knows how hard it is to stay straight and narrow. How hard it is when feelings arise and temptation gains it's strength at these times. The Devil knows how to utilise moments of weakness. And JH is only just looking at this.
Part of me wonders if all this he has told me is also falsity. And I get scared to trust as I have put trust in only to become aware each time that my intuition is right.
I am glad to know that I can listen to my intuition and instincts. I am not crazy at all. ES got some relief I hope knowing that her intuition was right and she wasn't crazy.
JH is such a lovely man. A man I fell in love with apart from this other side of him. I want to be able to love and cherish all that is good and the other side to be managed. That's what I want.
I have had a life time of men that seem to get some kind of pay off taking women for a ride. I really believed that JH was different - so he wasn't open and wasn't honest. But I still want to believe that fundamentally he never meant to hurt me, and that really he did care.
I am not sure he knows actually if he loves or loved me. He seems so confused about many things. One minute he thought he needed to go and try once more with a new outlook with his wife. Then he realised later that wasn't what it was. He said he was in the wrong place but new it was right to do. So much confusion. And how can anyone so confused really know whether they are in love or not.
There are so many things for JH to explore with himself. I truly, truly hope he does.
I would love it if some time we can be together. But I also know with time I will heal and move on.
I will always be available to be a friend. I will not allow myself knowingly to be another ES, Mona, Marguerite, IL or any others that have existed.
I suspect that JH will meet with Mona after all or maybe another new one when he goes to America. I look forward to the moment when I can let go and it will no longer matter who he is with or not. Fuck it hurts so much.
Yet today I have had a sense of calm. I have had absolute clarity in my work. There has been some good therapy taking place today. Clients feeling so safe within their group, disclosures of releasing enormity. Shifts that are most unexpected. And I have felt at ease being me.
I realised whilst driving home that I have been so on edge for a number of months now. Trying to control what I instinctively knew was going on. Not free to be me and do my own things, needing to always be available for JH as if I wasn't he would use the time to be contacting one of the others. SHIT! It hurts hurts hurts to write that. I gave everything of me and he gave partially to me. I want to believe that it was in his denial of what he was truly doing. And I get annoyed with myself for not pulling away sooner. I kept saying to myself "if I learn of something else that will be it!" And then I learnt of something else and decided to believe and work with it. Each time. I so love him. He will never really know that I don't think. Or maybe there is a possibility if he really does get on the path of change.
PD commented on how different and serene I looked this morning. And I am in contact with friends and arranging things to do. I had not been doing any of this I realise trying to stay close to JH. Losing myself slightly and yet not as fully as I would have done in the past. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my time with JH. Oh my gosh I really have enjoyed discussions and laughs and sex and closeness. It's juts fucking annoying that actually there was always something standing between us. I knew it but didn't know.
More to write .............
I love speaking with HB - she is such a vibrant person and doesn't even know it. And my little fairy Goddaughter. She is just a bundle of cuddle. And then ML. I have the most amazing people in my life. I consider myself incredibly fortunate. I still want JH in my life but not they way he has treated me. I do not blame him, I truly don't. And I even believe he really cares for me. I am not sure if I believe he loves me. I feel too hurt. That to me isn't loving. I think there is a complete denial of the reality which as a recovering addict I truly understand. I love him and could stand by him whilst he starts the work on himself. But I am not prepared to be in a relationship that is not monogamous.
Ew yuchy feeling. As I write that I have just returned to wondering who what he is doing???
Let go! We are not together. We are speaking at the weekend. I just got a sense that I am feeling as if we are still together and we are not. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell to be without him and it hurts like hell that he has been so dishonest and deceitful - that's not loving behaviour
I will get over this. I do love him. I would support any changes but not with ongoing deceit. And that cannot take time to change it's now or never but then I am writing that again like we are in a relationship
Shit - too tired for all of this and need to sleep and stop the washing machine spinning.
I had a wonderful conversation with my cousins young daughter. 13years old. She is so interesting and interested and very loving. She seemed really excited that we were talking and it was such a grown up conversation. She is studying and presenting to her class on the subject of the Chinese one child policy. Gosh she was amazing in what she had learnt and so very grown up in her opinions. I mentioned to her Amnesty International and apparently she is now really keen to work towards a career somewhere in the line of humanity. How exciting!
And then speaking with HB - my fairy Goddaughter. And how loving she is. And then SW my other big fairy Goddaughter. I feel so blessed to have these young people in my love. All love and cuddles and innocent really. I am a very very blessed person in so many ways.
Thank you Universe for all the people and the experiences I have.
Please can you sort things out for JH and I. Whatever you think best really - Universe?????
I am going to sleep.
It's good to write.
Bliss
XX
