My books have arrived - Biological Psychology. I am both excited and anxious. I am very interested in the subject and looking forward to knowing more. I do not have time or energy for studying.
I need a very strict study regime building into that some relaxation time. I have so few hours with my journey to and from work making my working day so flipping long.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - I get overwhelmed and am like a rabbit in the headlights .
If anyone reads this and has some amazing idea about how to manage the anxiety and put together a structure for my day to day living - well I would be very thankful. Thank you.
PD is really unwell. I am very concerned. He is looking jaundiced. I keep suggesting he doesn't come into work or at least slow down and leave early - BUT workaholism will kill him at this rate. He is grumpy at times and subdued at other times.
I don;t feel great either. Pain in my abdomen, pain in my side. A bit dizzy occasionally and a general malaise that has been there for weeks now. I am fed up with it actually.
I am going to book to see my GP on Monday when I am taking my lieu day. I owe the company a day to repay them when I was snowed in - grr grr. But I refuse to give them the coming Monday - I need the time. If necessary I will give them a day's leave. I do feel aggrieved - their attitude doesn't encourage me to give of myself the way I have done.
I am supposed to be attending the company organised Christmas meal (I know it's after Christmas but hey ho!) I have no desire to attend. The crazy social chit chat thing. And I don;t feel very corporate at all or loyal. I am loyal to PD and our unit but I have no loyalty to this organisation. I feel very under valued.
Grumble grumble - I am not sure how to turn around the thoughts and attitude I have. I am very fortunate to be able to work in a job I enjoy. And many things about the environment are better than pleasant. I get a very well subsidised meal which does save me money and more importantly is usually very good nosh. Working with PD has it's trials for me especially as we can be so similar. Mainly though he is an incredibly generous team leader and does his best for the team and the clients. Sometimes he over gives. He is very good at selling and keeps our unit in a very good light within the hospital itself. I know too that he frustrates people but bloody hell he delivers and they cannot deny that. So there is a little security working under his lead.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and develop my skills with the variety of colleagues. Oh and supervision. There was none at Nexus and limited at ANA. P is very good and I learn through our own little group experiences. It's good experiential stuff.
Uhm - nice surroundings, some lovely colleagues (not all). Sometimes there is a moment to just think and relax. Not so much anymore. And some lovely clients - sad stories yet people wanting to alter the course of their lives. I admire them. I know how much effort it takes to really bring about changes. And I really don;t believe anyone can do it alone. So to be able to seek support is a very humble thing to do. Remove ego and false pride and become vulnerable. Now when I first heard that I thought weakness - now I realise that humility (not humiliation) takes great strength and courage. I fought against the surrender and only when I did yield do I feel the empowerment that comes with it. Thank you God.
Anyway to see people willing and fighting but challenging their desire to hold onto control. Well I am inspired on a daily basis. And sometimes I forget to acknowledge that. I am inspired even though at times I get frustrated too with their self imposed limits. And he he - I am amongst the worst.
I identify things I would like to explore within myself - anger in the various forms it manifests in, control, compliance. But I do not wish to limit myself to just these issues. Oh and anger is not the issue it's the way I deal with it.
Speaking with JH last evening was both really enjoyable and also painful. Love and like - loss and pain.
I like so many things about JH that I would very much enjoy developing our friendship. The horrid thing is dealing with the pain of losing the intimacy that comes with a closer relationship. I miss that so so much. I want that but it is not there between us to have. There are too many things standing between us. I am available emotionally etc, but I am not strong enough to deal with the difficulties brought to me by his current situation.
I am repeating myself. DOH!
There were moments of silence. In those moments I felt so far from him and yet so close too. We can sit with silence. Even without being in the same room, not even the same country. Across all those miles over the phone. Not even Skype. But I wanted to ask him about little things like how to sketch a glass so that it looks like glass. And how in the Dutch Interiors the amazing bubble I saw - how was that painted but it seemed all so trivial compared to what we are trying to face.
I think perhaps it is just me and perhaps JH is all OK with this. When he was talkign about one of his past relationships I could here how unclear he is about what he wants from encounters he has. Perhaps that is just not really communicated so that I am clear. Maybe it was always a difference between us although I thought we were talking about being together and getting old together.
I certainly feel old and didn;t mean getting old NOW!!! Universe you are playing tricks with me!!! I want to get old when I am older not now thank you.
Another game of Scrabble with AB, RB and GB. A long conversation with AM - ha! And I was planning on doing some OU reading. Damn it! I am so undisciplined at times.
I need a very strict study regime building into that some relaxation time. I have so few hours with my journey to and from work making my working day so flipping long.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - I get overwhelmed and am like a rabbit in the headlights .
If anyone reads this and has some amazing idea about how to manage the anxiety and put together a structure for my day to day living - well I would be very thankful. Thank you.
PD is really unwell. I am very concerned. He is looking jaundiced. I keep suggesting he doesn't come into work or at least slow down and leave early - BUT workaholism will kill him at this rate. He is grumpy at times and subdued at other times.
I don;t feel great either. Pain in my abdomen, pain in my side. A bit dizzy occasionally and a general malaise that has been there for weeks now. I am fed up with it actually.
I am going to book to see my GP on Monday when I am taking my lieu day. I owe the company a day to repay them when I was snowed in - grr grr. But I refuse to give them the coming Monday - I need the time. If necessary I will give them a day's leave. I do feel aggrieved - their attitude doesn't encourage me to give of myself the way I have done.
I am supposed to be attending the company organised Christmas meal (I know it's after Christmas but hey ho!) I have no desire to attend. The crazy social chit chat thing. And I don;t feel very corporate at all or loyal. I am loyal to PD and our unit but I have no loyalty to this organisation. I feel very under valued.
Grumble grumble - I am not sure how to turn around the thoughts and attitude I have. I am very fortunate to be able to work in a job I enjoy. And many things about the environment are better than pleasant. I get a very well subsidised meal which does save me money and more importantly is usually very good nosh. Working with PD has it's trials for me especially as we can be so similar. Mainly though he is an incredibly generous team leader and does his best for the team and the clients. Sometimes he over gives. He is very good at selling and keeps our unit in a very good light within the hospital itself. I know too that he frustrates people but bloody hell he delivers and they cannot deny that. So there is a little security working under his lead.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and develop my skills with the variety of colleagues. Oh and supervision. There was none at Nexus and limited at ANA. P is very good and I learn through our own little group experiences. It's good experiential stuff.
Uhm - nice surroundings, some lovely colleagues (not all). Sometimes there is a moment to just think and relax. Not so much anymore. And some lovely clients - sad stories yet people wanting to alter the course of their lives. I admire them. I know how much effort it takes to really bring about changes. And I really don;t believe anyone can do it alone. So to be able to seek support is a very humble thing to do. Remove ego and false pride and become vulnerable. Now when I first heard that I thought weakness - now I realise that humility (not humiliation) takes great strength and courage. I fought against the surrender and only when I did yield do I feel the empowerment that comes with it. Thank you God.
Anyway to see people willing and fighting but challenging their desire to hold onto control. Well I am inspired on a daily basis. And sometimes I forget to acknowledge that. I am inspired even though at times I get frustrated too with their self imposed limits. And he he - I am amongst the worst.
I identify things I would like to explore within myself - anger in the various forms it manifests in, control, compliance. But I do not wish to limit myself to just these issues. Oh and anger is not the issue it's the way I deal with it.
Speaking with JH last evening was both really enjoyable and also painful. Love and like - loss and pain.
I like so many things about JH that I would very much enjoy developing our friendship. The horrid thing is dealing with the pain of losing the intimacy that comes with a closer relationship. I miss that so so much. I want that but it is not there between us to have. There are too many things standing between us. I am available emotionally etc, but I am not strong enough to deal with the difficulties brought to me by his current situation.
I am repeating myself. DOH!
There were moments of silence. In those moments I felt so far from him and yet so close too. We can sit with silence. Even without being in the same room, not even the same country. Across all those miles over the phone. Not even Skype. But I wanted to ask him about little things like how to sketch a glass so that it looks like glass. And how in the Dutch Interiors the amazing bubble I saw - how was that painted but it seemed all so trivial compared to what we are trying to face.
I think perhaps it is just me and perhaps JH is all OK with this. When he was talkign about one of his past relationships I could here how unclear he is about what he wants from encounters he has. Perhaps that is just not really communicated so that I am clear. Maybe it was always a difference between us although I thought we were talking about being together and getting old together.
I certainly feel old and didn;t mean getting old NOW!!! Universe you are playing tricks with me!!! I want to get old when I am older not now thank you.
Another game of Scrabble with AB, RB and GB. A long conversation with AM - ha! And I was planning on doing some OU reading. Damn it! I am so undisciplined at times.
