All emotions - how to put words and make meaning

I have immersed myself in work and other peoples issues today. And with so much energy. It's not that I feel energised, it's away of not thinking and not feeling.
I am home now. And shit I miss JH. I am sitting here wanting to make contact. But I also know I need some peace time. Its not peaceful of course because I am wondering what he is doing, who he is seeing or if he is being pulled by temptation. He is sitting with raw feelings and alone. And then if he does actually go to CoDA knowing how he falls in love so easily and blah blah blah.
I have to let go .......... and trust the Universe even though I am still wondering what the hell the Universe has in mind exactly. Well reality is the Universe has nothing in mind. The Universe is just doing it's stuff. Planet earth rotates as always and the Universe shifts and adjusts just as it always has done. And we humans go about doing and being.
It is so hard - I love him you see. And I am sitting here thinking how impossible this situation seems. Here is the man I love who hasn't even been realising what he was doing. And then suddenly gets some clarity and both of us know we cannot go on.
Then he starts clearing out everything - apparently closing down SL, contacts with women, etc etc. And I have said I need a little time until the weekend without any contact. I think of him sitting there without all his escapes and how will he manage. He is not used to this. Will he really find a way to manage? And I know the power of the feelings will be screaming for him to find a way to escape. It's not easy. I am siting here screaming with emotion and have this outlet as one way to do something other than betray myself. I need some time I need some time I need some time.
I love him too. Universe this hurts so so so so much. Help me! Please help me. Help me find trust that all of this horrible feeling will pass. Help me to trust that I will be OK. Universe please help JH to be safe and get all that he desires and all that he needs.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggghhhhhhhhhhhh! I hurt - I want - I hurt

No matter how hard you work, prepare, or calculate, Bliss, the final ingredient necessary to leap hurdles and manifest dreams will always come down to a little spark of magic that no amount of physical maneuvering can ensure. While simply remembering that you're not alone, can.
Flick my bic,
The Universe
 
JH became angry when I asked him to distinguish his emotions from his thoughts. He seemed to think I was criticising him. I wanted to establish what he was feeling and interested to know what he was thinking too of course. The difficulty with this change is the importance of being emotionally intelligent.
I think people poo poo it mainly because they don't understand it. I certainly hadn't a clue what people were banging on about - feelings????????
Emotions are the powerful motivator for behaviour - along with beliefs and attitude, amongst just a few of the human things going on. But feelings are often so sub conscious. This does not ave to be - my exploration of self involves becoming more conscious of my feelings, my thoughts, my attitude, my knowledge, my learnt patterns that are often skewed in the teaching. Oh blah blah blah. I know all this stuff why am I writing it????

What do I do now? Truly want to hear .......

My pain was relieved during yesterday. I willed for JH to text me. I received 2 exts both of which I resonded to. I felt immediate relief at receiving his texts. Then last evening we were Whatsapping backwards and forwards and then JH called me.
We both knew in the morning we could not continue. My reasons seemed justified knowing that JH has a lot to go and work out. It felt less painful when I thought he needed to re-visit the situation with his estranged wife. It has always seemed to me that the business between then is untidy and unfinished.
And after all these months of sensing things were different between us - sensing his need for secrecy and the continuous discovery of yet more and more, learning each time how he was deceiving me - I even realise that there were times when he said he did not need to reach orgasm - I suppose now he had already been actively sexual with someone else earlier. Ugh it feels dirty thinking lke that so I do not want to continue thinking like that.
That's the major reason for me that we cannot continue p there has just been so much dishonesty. I don't think at any time I have been misleading. I said I want to be in a monogamous relationship and invited honesty all the way along. And with each discovery I amde I asked JH if there was anything else he needed to tell me and each time he said no trust me. So I put trust in him each time and each time he will have known that there was other stuff he was doing but preferred to be secretive with me. Fuck!
It hurts. I feel angry!
Universe I want to be with someone who loves me. And love to me means wanting to treat me with dignity and be honourable to my needs and wants. Someone who is themselves and that we agree on major principles. These things perhaps I didn't make clear???? What is there to be unclear about when sayng open and honest. And JH claimed each tme he was being which was just more lying. Fuck it hurts like hell.
Now after all that he says he made the biggest mistake by leaving and yet he has to go. What is that all about???????
He has to go and sort things out to be worthy of me. What the fuck is that about??????????????????
The pain of goodbye is immense. I hurt so much. The thought of not having contact with him after being with him every night for the last 7 months. Our plans to visit the USA - plans for the future  all smashed.
I lose more than jst him I lose happy plans.
But i can pass through the pain and will return to some peace of mind which hasn't been there with all the insecurity aroused. JH kept putting on and that it was my insecurity. Yes it was my insecurity but aroused by his behaviour,.
He said he was honest in his mind and that is what he thoughtwas decent. Fucking hell! It all starts in the mind he said and there he was starting relationship after relationship with women in his mind. He will surely saying they were,'t relationships but every encounter with someone is a relationship - and it's certaily not monogamous.
He said he wanted monogamy. Perhaps he thought he wanted it until the next SL message or Skype call etc.
Fuck fuck fuck - I have anger now. It has to come up - it's a part of the process.
DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE
O feel in a sort of shock - one minute I am crying and hurting in my entire body, the next I have a numbness, no feeligngs at all.
I already miss someone who shows some care all for me. Someone who seemed to show that I matter. And yet all along I was one of many. That;s not OK. JH can do what he likes of course thats not my issue. My issue is that I dont want to be with someone who is not monogamous - in mind and in action. God he said he had bourndaries with women. How the hell could he when he was making out with women in SL on Skype, etc etc.
I am not certain about anything. I wonder what is really JH's truth. I wonder if he really knows. I might even describe his deceit as pathological - he seemed convinced that he wasn't lying.
I want to speak wit him of course becuase I dont want to lose him. Yet we have said goodbye. I ave to get used to the loss.
If in a few months there is a considerable change for him and =oh God it seems to hurtful dealing with the thought of finality.
That;s all this is - the pain of loss. He thinks he really wants me and loves me and all it is really is the pain of loss. I love him so much. I am so hurt by what he has been doing.
Please Universe what is the right thing.
Of course I lose my Master too. I asked to be set free. I will not visit SL. I went there last evening for 10 minutes and said hello to Pippi for the first time in SL. I did not enjoy it at all.
I do not want either to try and avoid my feelings. So I left again and that felt so much better. I have friends, I can write, I can read. I can do many things to help soothe my feelings but not avoid them. I want to heal not suppress.
What would I tell someone else to do. I would say that they need to trust their instincts. Mine have been guiding me all along.
My instincts are telling me what?
Partly they are saying well listen to what JH says afyer a few days. partly they are shouting it's all pain of goodbye and after some time the pain will diminish if we leave long enough between us. And then in the light of less emotional attachment it will be possible to see each otehr as individuals. I know this to be true. After time I could see John clearly for example and I knew thatI did not want to be with him and never really had.
I love JH. I feel it. And the loss of that hurts and cvery thought and decision.
I dont what to do for the best for me. I do not want to be lied to again. I HATE the empty hole that is left through us splitting up. I HATE it.
I have felt so happy. And it hurts that really that was false happiness. It was based on lies
That stinks
Peopel can do as they please. I do not judge that. I truly dont - what I dont want is to be with people who follow such different principles when they are principles I hold as spiritual for me and fundamental. Lots of things I am negotiable on but there are some things that I am not. Universe I will not budge on openness and honesty. And i do not profess to be perfect in this area. Far from it but I know when I am not being honest and can take responsibility and change it and I do. I make mistakes but thats what they are. When I realise this I make changtes and amends. What has been happeneing is that JH says his conscience is on the right track but his behaviour isn;t - well that doesn;t work for me.
Affairs of the heart start in the mind - that is true. But his behavour doesn;t happen without some conscious thought too. If having sexual encunters and secret relationships is OK with his principles that's great but not with me.
I have said all of this to him.
This is all just repeating rant so that I get it iout of my head. Sorry Universe for writing this all down.
I am hurting through the loss of the man I love but the man I love was deceiving me and thinking it was OK until he claims just yesterday.
He says he started making changes!
It's odd - amidst all of this going on between us he was just going to go off and have a nicve time with his friend RW. I was perplexed. It was right for him to leave of that I have no doubt. I did not want to continue with the relationship either. He has things to do. But his decisions baffle me.
He still can't let go completely - ES says she wants more explanation. I can hear that he will not see through with no contact with her. Despite everything he cannot let go completely. Just hanging on selfishly ......
That tells me really doesn't it.
I don;t think I hear sincerity.
He said he knew he was doing the wrong thing by leaving and he is in the wrong place - so why then leave and not work at what he wants???? He said he knew after the discussion we had it was not for LtB but to work on being worthy. What the hell is this?
I need to be separated from him - get over this hurt. Not be another in the chain of people he keeps hanging on. He says I am not that. But that's what I will become. ES LtB me Mona Marguerite and however many others exist or have done so in the past until he feels ready to let go.
No that is not OK I am better than that. I deserve to be respected by a person who knows they love me.
Poor ES wants to know more.
I feel a mix of anger and hurt. Love and pain. It's all got to come out and best that I don't speak with JH.

I will get beyond this I know. I talk abot the processing of emotions every day at work and here I am thinkng of cutting things short.
I want to speak in 7 days because  hate this hole  that is left. I so want that JH's feelings for me were true love. Universe I want that. But I know I can't always have what I want.
If after time it is true love it will be shown.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but isn;t there also a saying relating too much time apart as well.
It was the anniversary of my mum's death on Monday. Wow so much loss in sych close proximity.
I HURT I HURT I HURT I HURT!!!!!!!
I want no contact for these next few days and then I will let JH know ...... I need some time to think. Clear space.
Universe tell him I love him. And at the same time tell him how angry I am with him. And that I had so much thought of happiness for us in the future. But this is clouded with his deceit and behaviour. Tell him I do not judge him badly for how he is and has been - I am upset that he told me he as one thing and actually was not at all.
He says he wants to be different -  I hope he finfds what that is. And Universe if you think we need to revisit our relationship then I am sure you will show that to us. I am doubtful though you really have got things straight - after all the list I sent you these 2 things were of critical importance and emotional awareness too.
I think there is free will and the mistakes have been mine not yours.
I ut trust in you. I know you are greater than me.
Fuck I didn;t want this kind of thing to be a part of my Blog - I wanted this to be about how our love was developing.

Bliss
XX

Universe please show me what I must do ...................