The path to enlightenment is not a path at all, Bliss, it's actually a metaphor for the time it takes for you to allow yourself to be happy with who you already are, where you're already at, and what you already have - no matter what.
Just do it,
The Universe
Please don;t read on if you don;t want to read a self centred soul search. There is finger pointing and confusion and emotions so strong - it's not to be read with any conclusion to be found. It's open ended, it's possibly all wrong, maybe all right, it's ramblings. Read only with that in mind!!
Another woman has been involved in the still unhealed wound in my soul being prodded.
My love (the slave in me is so tiny) had avoided telling a woman he has in the past had strong feelings for and to date holds a fondness for her.
This came to my attention though a process of events, seemingly unconnected, then culminating into a picture of my love not being able to be open and honest with me. M/s will be hopping at this. There is no entitlement to anything as a slave. I am not just a salve though. My love, Master tells me he loves me. And within a loving relationships there are equal rights. How often I have agonised over this extreme ends of this continuum.
This has been a dreadful, dreadful couple of days. I HATE how I feel. I HATE what takes place between us when deceit and hiding replaces openness and honesty. It's vile. I don't want to be feeling this.
A really nonnegotiable criteria for being in a loving relationship for me is openness and honesty. With these spiritual principles (that's what I call them anyway), there is the potential for trust and respect, dignity and grace. Honest, open communication can overcome anything - all negatives pale into insignificance where there is openness and honesty. I believe it beats meditation.
I will ramble this all out. On Thursday I think, MS made contact with my Love. A line appeared on my FB account notifying me of this contact. I felt uncomfortable. Who was this person making a comment on my Love's FB when he had been very clear that he didn't like comments as his students read his FB pages. Quite understandably it would not be appropriate for them to indulge into their Prof's private life. I have never posted anything, nor read really - a quick browse when first we were "friend" on FB. My Love was very upset when I sent a text notifying of this female siting when I used the word YUCH in my text to him (Actually Whatsapp). Yuch represented me feeling discomfort - another woman I didn't know of and clearly familiar with JH.
Well my questions and his answered via Whatsapp were loaded with anger. My Love with me for what I later learnt was his feeling of accusation. He of course would not read discomfort, jealousy etc in the early stages of triggering my insecurity. My Love's angry reaction was indeed worrying and further triggered my insecurity really as I started wondering why he felt accused - guilty?
We went through a long time of quite heated conversations. What I KEEP saying to my Love is that he can of course do anything he likes, (after all he like all of us are free to do anything we like - interestingly morals come into play mainly. The odd few slip through the net - I wonder here one would put addictions, bi-polar, etc on the table a long with immoral, unboundaried, - blah blah blah I am rambling in a half sleep there so these words were more from a dream.
What is of high importance to me is openness and honesty. Whatever JH does, I ask only honesty and openness. Within the openness and honesty, I am afforded dignity and grace through choices. A choice to leave, but I am not bloody leaving. Au contraire! I made a commitment to stay and that I will unless having worked through any issues or differences. Only if we cannot get further and agreed to disagree would I leave. Having said that I have been toing and froing on the spot if that could be a possible paradox. Absurd.
Anger, confusion, sadness, hurt, suspicion, anxiety. The situation evolved through this feelings to a statement in anger from JH, my love saying I could read his emails. Ugh! I felt dirty but wanted to. Whilst discussions continued this idea was going around and around - yes, no, yes not. It's so wrong but he offered it, albeit in anger. Ra ra ra in my head. Eventually I said yes thank you I would like that. More ugh!
My head is spinning that the order of things no longer really matter, but today sometime JH, my love (oh my gosh how I love him) sent me transcripts of his conversations with I. This is something that my love has never done before with anyone and he faced a fear. We had been talking about need ton face fear when being open and honest and he mentioned how he tries to control - people pleasing. OH God! The destruction of trying to keep everything level. BY trying not to hurt anyone, more people get deceived and kept away from the reality. My love often says that things will become apparent if there are things to be discovered. Well these tings do pop up from time to time and each time I discover something that my love has not had the courage to reveal. All this does is create suspicion and destruct and yet he is getting angry with me over different times for not trusting him.
Openness and honesty creates trust. Secrecy and deceit, conscious or unconscious breeds distrust and devastation sometimes.
So I discovered that my love had not told IL at all that he was in a relationship with me. Yet he had told me months ago that he had told her. On 16Oct he mentioned to her that he was no longer with his Swedish GF. There was a brief mention that he had met someone else. Like a stab in my heart, the realisation that he was maintaining this relationship with someone he had told me had fallen in love with. He had fallen in ,love with her he said during the time in which he was in a relationship with ES, who he also had thought he loved.
All this stuff is revealing itself by default. It's as if I have to piece it together bit by bit through interrogation. It's fucking horrible to have to ask questions all the time.
JUST BE OPEN AND HONEST!!!! Whatever anyone does is OK with me just flipping well take responsibility for it and TELL me!!
I am exhausted. I can truly truly sense that something is going on. I keep telling myself to shut up because my love so sincerely tells me there is nothing and I must trust him. I would flipping well trust if the action is trustworthy.
Oh wow I am so hurt and frustrated in my hurt. I get defensive and want to run when someone is unable to be truthful with me. If the transcript is real then there is so little to have to hide from me. Then why???? And now I know he has not been telling her about me that is not OK but at least we can discuss it. He can decide if he wants a relationship with someone who wants openness and honesty and to be FULLY a part of his life. If he doesn't want that he has choices too - his dignity. But at least I can have choice.
It is not OK for me to be allowing full intimacy with a man who has another woman who is has very fond feelings for. He loves me.
He has these feelings for IL - what happens to those and they are maintained all the time there is secret and not fully honest contact. She knows nothing of me and the depth of the relationship JH is telling me we have.
He is deceiving her too.
It's messy.
He asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted to be in an open and honest relationship. That I could not continue with him if he wished to continue contact with IL and this is another things he has done. He has copied me in on her reply.
I am so so confused. I hate that this is what it has come to - it is absolutely ridiculous. If only he could be open and honest it would all be unnecessary.
I have been suspicions that he had not edited the transcripts. I wondered if there was editing to the emails. I hate that I think like this. I HATE IT!!!!!
I feel betrayed. My trust has been broken (again) and that comment alone would make him annoyed. Yes again. The necessity to try and hide his photos on his camera. Not telling me about ES's visit and then how often they were seeing each other. And he wanted to see her to finally end the relationship. ES still really not finalised, IL since goodness knows how long, ME. Wow! And then he had mentioned his friend in Australia and going there but he had not even hinted at a woman and even less that there had been some kind of romance involved even if brief.
So FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I hurt so much - my heart, my soul, my spirit.
I am so reluctant to close down, I want to stay open and deal with the hurt and repair.
JH asks me to help him - that is so scary. He seems to get it and then it slips away. He says he is boundaried but waivers as in this encounter there is room for improvement. My concern is that as he seems at times unaware, he is unable to make the adjustment to be boundaried. And so then the need for no contact on my part. And this I hate i hate i hate. If he was able to be boundaried and adjust his way with his female friends then that would be all OK. This requires complete transparency - each of them knowing the important details and me knowing whats going on generally. Its so so simple. Telling me and IL vagueness creates suspicion. We can sense missing information - hiding and deception. It;s so uncomfortable writing this. It's not a finger pointing exercise. It's just bloody typing out my feelings and thoughts, in an attempt to get some clarity. I am getting it. I hope there are not too many wounds between us??? I hope that these things can heal. I HOPE - I love him. I would like us to be able to go forward.
My doubt comes from whether I can go through another pain like this. And my doubt for my love is that I am finding it difficult to trust. How on earth do we get beyond this??? Universe HOW? Please please show me what to do and how to be? PLEASE
If only everything could be out in the open, then I have the opportunity to say what is OK for me to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship with a man who is emotionally intelligent (tick), who is open and honest (a tiny tick and a bigger cross), adventurous (tick), humorous (tick) creative (tick) kind (tick) gentle (tick) spiritual (tick). I want someone who loves me and who I can place my love with (tick) I want to be with someone who wants a monogamous relationship (tick he says and I want to believe).
If IL's response is complete and genuine, even she had sensed something more than the facts being presented. It need never come to the extremes it does if only my love could love me and be open and honest.
I have been hurtling through this since Thursday. Hurting, pain, confusion, uncertainty, anxiety, frustration.
I have no idea how to be now?
I feel sick. I hurt on the inside.
JH said that only through the virtual world has he come to feel any self confidence with women. It's an irony really. Only at this time in our life - the passing of time and events - are we able to be together. Yet it's now my love, my real love seems to be able to explore his confidence - it's very compelling. Being liked by so many people and I suppose wanted by many etc etc etc.
It hurts so much. I want him to want just me. BUT ..... I don't know what happens next. I hope we can get beyond this, that we can have an openness and honesty and loving relationship. That true trust can begin to develop.
I am reminded through all this that vigilance is imperative. SL can be a temptation that a single person cannot remain strong or empowered around.
I am just feel at an odd end - which way to turn, what to do. Just one step at a time. Keep breathing. I just want him to love me. I want to feel secure in that love.
Please Universe .....................................
unhappiest ever Bliss
How amazing that when JH spoke about him seeing me as strong and having a great life, I have never felt so bleak. So suicidal. What is the point?
The end is death. I welcome it. How awful to say that. But this struggle called life is damned hard work.
Hurting from my very very core. The man I love - well he says he loves me - but love is an action too. A great life. I don't really want nor need anything great. I want simple and loving with intimacy.
Intimacy requires being able to being who I am
I hope for my love that he is happy and free. I wished that could be between us - i keep hope.
But wonder if the events of these days have ruined all that was good.
I AM HURTING like I feel I could die.
