stampedes and sea monsters

I keep breaking into chuckles, even whilst out walking I found myself laughing out loud.
Yesterday whilst out walking, M and I struggled over a gate to continue along the route we were following only to discover we hadwalked into a field of cows. M said will be OK? I said yes. After all they were behind us. I thought they looked quite cute all looking at us. We walked a little way and I thought I would just check on the cows only to see them chargin angrily towards us. I told M and he he he he he at that point she started running saying what do we do what do we do he he he he he he he. I said get out. At which point he he he he he she leapt like a cartoon character right over the fence he he he he he saying OK! I was laughing so much I couldn't run. he he he he
The cows stopped, I think in shock or mild amusement too.
Later on I was telling M about the bath I had with the herby bath bomb she had given me. I explained that I emerged frm the bath like a sea monster covered in seaweed. As the bloody thing fizzed in the bath water all these flipping herbs rose to the surface. I am still finding bits of herb in my hair. M was in pain laughing at the idea of it. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Now this evening M is laughing at me again. I sent her an email sharing how ashamed I have been feeling - hurty hurty aaargy aargh aargh pride injusry hurty.
A sent a reply email to me saying "is it me or are your emails getting longer. I am no a prolific emailer myself" ugh ugh ugh. He didn't mean to shame me I'm sure but he sure ain't no chatty addict!!! And there I was thinking I was doing it properly.
But hey at a time when oratory is being revered and brought back into fashion by Obama - yes I know emails are not oratory but it's all blinking words isn't it. He he he he he he he he
Well my shame is diminishing as I share it. How embarrassing.
Well of course I immediately decided I would never ever ever send another email to him. Instaed I have decided to laugh at myself and write only very brief, succinct, concise, short, comprehensive, pithy, brusque, to the point emails.
Do you ever get those body judders when you think of something you've dsaid or done that just fills you with shame- well that's what I keep doing but with a smile now as well.

Something to work towards

Both professionally and personally, I would like to adopt the attitude that as a result of conversations I might change.
In other words instead of approaching general discussion or debates with a view of imparting my knowledge and hoping to enlighten someone else, I can approach the discussion etc with my opinions but be available to heat things that might change me.....
It's basic stuff really isn't it? But on a day to day basis I can be so overly opinionated and egotistical.
Even though my job requires me not to be.
This is ongoing work on my part.

Love, nurture and greatness. Smiling

“I am an example of what is possible when girls from the very beginning of their lives are loved and nurtured by people around them." Michelle Obama 02/04/09
I felt very angry and later sad when I read this quote. That was after at first feeling very strong admiration. She has been a great achiever and seems to portray a real sense of self. Yes I can see that has been given to her from a very young age. Cynically I think yeh bet she hasn't had all that loving and nurturing from the beginning of her life. It's just something she says. But if she has she is very lucky indeed. I felt angry coz I think the dysfunction within my family unit has contributed to me not really having a grip in the way of the world. I was ill-prepared for emotions and found strategies to deal with them that in the end have been damaging. I don't blame my mum and dad. I know my mum loved me but I can see how her ways of loving me were distorted through the history of her own family. My dad is I believe very screwed up and just didn't know any better.
But it pisses me off that it's only now, all these years later, thatn I am learning how to let myself be love and nurtured by the people around me and more importanly these days myself.
I am sad too that it has taken all this time. What a lot of potential has just been flittered away. It's not with regret - it's purely sadness.
I am also positive right now and tehrefore able to see how fortunate I am to have discovered a different way that is lovng and nurturing. Many, many people don;t ever get to experience what I have been experiencing in the last 8 years. And I can see great change and progress within me.
It is a pity in some ways that it's happening at 48 (nearly 49) but it's happening and that's the most important thing.
I was trying to explain this morning, when chatting with my friend E, just how much more freedom I am experiencing. I am wary that it's just a fleeting moment. And I put the shackles straight back on when I say this, but I think once achieved, freedom and happiness must be attained at all times - as E said, it's something to reach. But the freedom comes back again when I accept that for today I feel this way. Everything feels so much lighter and just the way it is. "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems". It's true it is. Yesterday I noticed how the feelings were current, not loaded with the shame and pain of the past. I can't even remember what the current feeling was because I talked about it and it's gone.
Even though my dad hasn't had contact, the pain is lessened and I think that's because I have been sharing with friends and support just how sad I have felt about that. The hurt that that has caused me and how I interpret it as being a bad and wrong person. And then people not keeping in contact or choosing not to have me as a friend anymore is reinforcing messages to me that I am a bad and wrong person. The truth is that I am very aware that past behaviours have been damaging to people and for that i am truly, truly sorry. It's true too that today I continue to make mistakes and have ways that are still not helathy or helpful. The difference is that I am willing to take a look at these behaviours and work towards changing them if I agree that there is a detrimental affect on others that is nothing to do with them bringing their issues into it as well. This people with people stuff is so complex and I belive I can be blamed for others' feelings and their own issues they bring to any relationship.
So yes I will take a look at my behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, etc and if there is room for improvement I will try to make changes. But I am not going to change things that work for me and are not loaded with selfishness etc. If I check my motives and really, really they are clean and pure then that is OK with me.
Gosh I really am strong and positive today.
It's a pleasing difference.
However, I am not studying.
Oh and with that change I have noticed how I am looking to see if I have had email replies from A. And feeling disappointedf and even angry with him when I haven't. Grr at me. How quickly the love addiction swoops in and takes over. The point is that after 2 years of not having contact with men and damaging relationships I would like to have a balance of mena dn women friendships. I have very close and supportive friends and I believe that takes a long time of a lot of effort and empotional intimacy. It's not that I am looking for. I would like to have a circle of people of both genders that bring a fullness to me relating with people. Yes it would be nice to be special to someone and to learn to have a special closeness with a man. Somethign I have never done in my complete mad life. This means developing friendships and just that. Being muyself, hearing others being themselves and accepting them as they are. And like I have learnt when having close friendships with women I can practice discernment. I think before a man could come into my life it would take several years of freindhsip now. Yet here I am mentally forcing the issue already.
I am aware of this and as an addict practicing recovery, the awareness enables me to alter my behaviour and attitude. So I commit here and now to stop this active desire for a boyfriend and see what happesn.
This is freedom to me - seeing what happens. Not trying to take control and force things to happen. There is a balance between just sitting back and hoping things will happen but so long as I don't allow the addictive me to push things then I can blow with the wind a little more.
Phew what a relief. That means I don't have to be anything I am not. I am who I am, I have lived the life I have lived and what people think of that is up to them. Freedom.
I am nurturing myself and loving myself. I can be great you see!

I had a lovely day with my friend M. After the morning meeting T, M and I had coffee and then M and I returned to my flat for lunch. As always we covered lots of topics. A lot is about her feelings as she has stopped smoking. I truly believe it to be the hardest thing I have given up. It shocks me still that something that seems so small is so, so powerful over the emotions. And all these giving up techniques and products forget or don't realise what is underneath the smoking. I am certain it's not just addicts that encounter this - after all anyone who smokes is an addict but most people associate addiction with drugs and alcohol. People don't seem to realise that behaviours can be addictive to - it's the individual who is the addict and can use just about anything to escape emotions. I also tend to think that the majority of people don't "do" emotions. That society has been teaching humans over the years to control emotions and supress them. Therefore I don't give credit to people outside of a self-awareness working model credit that they know how to process feelings etc. I intellectually know this is true but it's a judgement I make and can bias myself. However I do experience a large number of people who are just so not self-aware or prepared to look at themselves. And certainle seem unable or unwilling to disclose their feelings about things, maybe even totally unaware of their feelings.
Ther I go again, being judgemental and pointing the finger.
Such ego - I know best. It happens when I am feelign good and positive. I so quickly switch into thinking I have sucha a good handle on things and life. Guess what happens the next day or soner sometimes, I have a great big humbling session. I do have a lot of grwig wisdom but by no means know very much at all. I want to stay open to being teachable and can't learn anything if I think I am superior.
Blimey somethimes it's so hard justifying myself.
I am feeling good today and that's all I need to say.
Good doesn't mean that I am simply happy - good means that I have the full gambit of emotions. I am happy for the sunshine and for self-awareness and at least some way through the backlog of studying. I am happy I have the next week off before starting my new job for which I am feeling excited. I am feeling sad that my father has even less time for me yet here I am not contacting him either. I need to remember that when I do speak with him he is usually very damning of me and what I am doing and berates me just for being me and my passions. That's why I don't have contact with him. It still hurts that he doesn't seem to like me at all. So yes I am sad and still hurt about that. As for my childhood with him - well thankfully the pain of that seems to be less today. The legacy of it seems to be further away for today.
I am anxious about nmy lack of ability to disciline myself to study and therefore this raises my anxiety about being able to do my research project and report write-up (2500 words - shit!)
I would love to spend a day and night camping next weekend with M and T too but won't be able to if I don't get on with my studies.
I am hopeful about a succesful future. I feel smiley today.
I am feeling puffed up and hormonal and I feel angry and hateful about that.
There. If there are other emotions I don't know them right at this moment.
OK - some thoughts down now surely I can get on. Byeeeeeee