All memories are a hoax of some sort

The Awakening

Not seeing them is not the same as forgetting.
All memories are hoaxes.


A very good film



This will be a spoiler but I did recognise part the way through a sense of The Others. Mind you having realised this it made it easier for me to watch the scary bits. The anticipation created certainly got me to feel tense and full of angst. I had to keep stopping it. From the beginning though I was looking for the twist. I oscillated between Maud being involved in "real life" to it being a sense of The Others or of course The Sixth Sense. Anyhow, there were resemblances in it for me even though it was different.
I really thought Rebecca Hall was very good. I like her in Parade's End as well. She strikes me as rather beautiful and a good actress to boot. She is great as a period actress. I haven't seen her in anything other than period though. She carried the intellectual role well. Dominic West was also convincing. Rather dashing too in period drama. Nick Murphy looks as if he's one of the masters at period representation having had a look at his long list of historically based documentaries. The titles of some of Stephen Volk's screenplays look a little dubious to me. However I will not write him off. Excuse the pun.
So well worth a watch.

In terms of a story, I found it interesting the implication that memories had been created to eradicate the real memories. Having had a conversation just last evening about my belief that ghosts are really a humans recreation of the past and less about ghost actually existing. However in this the ghosts did actually exist. But no one could see them so perhaps they were repressed memories coming through. Even the poisoning part - there was no vomit visible and she did live.
Interesting ideas to never really confirm that the ghost existed in anything other than her mind. Except for the other little boy who had seen him. Although we never got to see him, he was simply dead from the beginning.
I have seen the arm of a girl. When at Epsom Wednesday NA. I was standing talking at the bar to the teas/coffees person and saw an arm beside me. Very petite and light skinned. When I whizzed around to look there was no one there. And I have also sensed in that room a real darkness emanating from one particular man. It was if the darkness was consuming everyone into it.
So who knows?
My memories and thoughts can create a stir in any place. I can become scared like a little child. Noises and darkness. I am a scaredy-cat really.

Sometimes I just want to be cuddled and protected.

Bliss
XX

 

Ultimatacular

This addiction is so evident to me. I put down food and the self-hatred, the negativity, the dishonesty os suddenly clear and exposed. But then having put down the food, fantasy and men are the next pick up.
As pointed out yesterday my by temproary sponsor (whilst my sponsor is away on holiday) sitting chatting and texting is a way of dating and I have a commitment to not dating.
DOH!
So here we go again, the need to pull back and that means having to say something. It feels so flipping ridiculous and annoying and extreme. At the same time the craziness has begun in my head. And I am encouraging the dating rather than discouraging it. My denial kicks in saying it is only friendship and I can manage this. All I need to do is be clear with him that I get easily confused and by liking him I need to be clear that this is really friendship because I cannot start any kind of "dating". Then the dreams started this morning. Because the longing is there for someone, just to have closeness and be held. And I was shown, thank you God, the pain from the longing, the insecurity, the confusion, the embarrassment, the shame. I really like G as a person, just as I really like JH and JB as people. But the pia starts when they are not the person I want them to be. And I get myself all involved before giving myself a chance to discover whther they are or not. They are all lovely, wonderful people. But that is as far as it needs to go. It is interesting chatting with G but this excessive chatting is not normal. The chaos begins when it's hours upon hours and I start to exaggerate this version of me. I want to appear funny and nutty and interesting and intelligent. I am interested in the things he is talking about and try to respond with things I am interested in and he's not really interested in those things. So I will mould myself to be interested in his things. It's started already you see. And then I wonder what his relationship is with all these other women. You see the signs are there too. Yes he befriends men but he also befriends women and is eyeing them up in the meetings. He told me so. I know it and justify it saying well that's just human. But he befriends women - casually going about his way to be friendly with newcomers, faces that are new to him anyway. He hadn't realised when he first met me that I had been in the rooms longer than little while. I wasn't a newcomer.
However I am really. I am new to a fuller recovery. I am vulnerable. I know that and he doesn't.
So I need to say that it may sound very weird but right now I am committed to not dating. And whilst it is porbably the furthest thing from his mind, what we've been doing, i.e. chatting for hours is laying havoc in my head. I am turning into all sorts of other things so for the time being will need to stop it. And return to jst being friendly and chat in and around the meetings.

Gosh! It seems so extreme and also I'm fed up with having to do this. The escalation is all part of the intrigue and excitement that ultimately takes me away from me in a most spectacular way.
Now why would I enter into all of this again? Well it's the power of this addiction I have, this illness ad the fact is that I am mentally ill. I enter into things despite knowing the probably outcomes. I celverly minimise the actions and justify the behaviours. I quickly forget the dramatic effects of the last relationship. I am nowhere near eady and want to get through the AWOL and gain a stronger more loving and respectful sense of self. During the conversation last evening I was thinking about ways of creating other types of dates such as going to visit plaes togeter - based on his interests of meditation and Buddhism and learning. And then thinking about inviting him for a walk with LouLou. It's all the little hooks I throw out. I want to stop.
Writing this here certainly exposes me. How ugly I feel and do not want this to be a repartee. I need to commit to my recovery. I do commit but I am scared of making it happen now.
I do not want to create a situation of rejection and abandonment. I do want to be heard and understood. God I do not have that power. Please can you guide me here.
I was thinking yesterday that I simply needed to be clear of my boundaries but I didn't say anything and I carried on the conversation into the early hours despite thinking I need to go to bed, despite nearly fallling asleep on the phone, despite knowing that this was contra to my commitment.
I am ashamed yet also know this is the full power in place. Give this addictive part of em room to wriggle and away I go.
I am talking about it and keeping it in the fore. God please please help me to find the strength.

Speaking with S (temproary sponsor) it was so easy to be honest. Except I didn't say I was up until 2am talking because that is absolute evidence that this is more than just a friendly chat. I can dress it up how I like but that is not usual. Not in my own standards anyway. So S suggested that I say to him aside from a meeting that I am realising I'm liking him more than I should. And at the moment I need to back off from that. I am afraid that by saying this he will feel rejected and abandoned because those have been his issues. And as S pointed out this is the craziness becoming evident, already thinking about and worrying aout how he will recieve something I have said. And also there I was looking for a little gift for him to touch him because I noted that things like that are things that stay with him.
It's for these reasons that I cannot be in any sort of relationship. All the mad thinking kicks in so instantly. Ad it shows how subtle this illness I have is - just talking with him and nothing more has provoked all of this in me. It's probably not even crossed his mind and even if it has then his actions are all OK. It's me that has this problem and it's me that has to address it. I should not have encouraged the calls in the first place and now having done so and enabled this lengthy conversations I have to bring it to a close. I wonder God if there is a simpler way of doing this. For instancce I can say I will have to knock the late and long calls on the head.
S reminded me I simply need to move away from the madness. I do not need to give myself a hrd time but I do need to take this seriously.
Step Two:
"We believe and know from experience that a Power greater than ourselves can remove thisobsession, straighen the twisted thinking, and restore the alcoholic to sane thought and behaviour"
"the power of resoning is slowly deteriorated. This encourages deception over our real mental health and fitness; it breeds a superior feeling or false security."
These were the keys from yesterdays AWOL. And the sharing really helped. L spoke about having put down the food she picks up men. She has just started dating and she's several years in recovery. But already there are issues and thankfully she has the esteem and strength to work through it. See G meet a man and start dating and then getting more serious then he ended it - she has to have a strong recovery to get through that. I admire her as I would be in pieces. So I cannot afford to even venture down that path of potential.
S reminded me to share it which I have done - two calls I've mentioned. Well one call and text conversation with T via Viber. I will make another call. I will take some more quiet time. I am writing about it honestly. Do I need to mention it to M?
I will and know that I will get some critique that is not comfortable to recieve from her. It always feels like I've done something really bad. Actually do I really need to put myself in that line of fire?
I'm not sure. I am not having so much contact because I am feeling drained by myself in the regular contact. She will see the contact with G as the reason. It is completely disconnected regards to her but maybe the lack of contact with her leaves a gap that he can wriggle into unknowingly.
I like the lengthy conversations mulling over ideas and beliefs and gaining understanding. But there aren't many people who want to do that. M would but I have stopped because it becomes contentious. I can listen but then the conversatons are M focused often. I don't necessary want to mull over what's going on for me as I do feel criticised. I am not sure that I am being criticised but I get told what to do. I don't really know how to say that I don't want feedback right now becaue she has got so offended by A and S around that. But I now know what and why they did that.
So there is room for a person to step in and hey presto it happens to be a man at the same time who I enjoy the company of. Dangerous combo mixed in with my addictive self.
So here is my mulling over space. And there are plenty of people to call too.

And then I wonder what it really is I'm escaping. It is light relief from the exhaustion of work, the anxiety of studying, the hurt connected with my dad and the fear of him dying. It is the shame of my greed in worrying that should my dad die first there is a battle to be had with T and do I really feel ready for that yet wanting the dough. Ugh! He's not even dead. I hate this sort of thing in me.
It is the avoidance of housework and organising my life and weekly chores to be done and never being done. It is an irritability with M and A recently. Perhaps that's hormones connected too. Some place for that irritable energy to fall.
It is worry about LouLou getting older. It is financial worries. The extra work I am doing is exhausting and yet it's that that keeps me afloat or rather keeps the things going that I want to have like high phone bills, trips to London and galleries, the odd book here and there that never ever gets read.
Oh and I have the ever outstanding accreditation dissertation.
Yep all of these things are easily left behind when flirting. It's nice attention when I want to be feel wanted and adored. I need to find love and respect for myself so that I need that less and less.

Bliss
XX