Sunday 20 February 2011

Wow! Music gives my spirit wings

Freewheel : Duke Special


Save me from the movies and someone else's dreams
While angels make their music and give my spirit wings
I just concertina and wrap around the world
Staying out 'til 6 o'clock and singing like a fool
I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips

I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don't want to lose this

Save my feet from dancing with anyone at all
Worn out shoes because lotus blue is hanging in the hall
You're a face in the distance I hope to recognise
It's like running through deep water trying to look into your eyes

I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips
I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don't want to lose this

Save me from the movies and someone else's dreams
While angels make their music and give my spirit wings
I just concertina and wrap around the world
Staying out 'til 6 o'clock and singing like a fool

I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips
I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don't want to lose this

Save my feet from dancing with anyone at all
Worn out shoes because lotus blue is hanging in the hall
You're a face in the distance I hope to recognise
It's like running through deep water trying to look into your eyes

I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips
I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don;t want to lose this

Nasty safe place

I want you to hurt like I do
Randy Newman

I ran out on my children
And I ran out on my wife
Gonna run out on you too, baby
I done it all my life
Everybody cried the night I left
Well, almost everybody did
My little boy just hung his head
And I put my arm, put my arm around his little shoulder
And this is what I said:
"Sonny I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
Honest I do, honest I do, honest I do"

If I had one wish
One dream I knew would come true
I'd want to speak to all the people of the world
I'd get up there, I'd get up there on that platform
First I'd sing a song or two you know I would
Then I'll tell you what I'd do
I'd talk to the people and I'd say
"It's a rough rough world, it's a tough tough world
Well, you know
And things don't always, things don't always go the way we plan
But there's one thing, one thing we all have in common
And it's something everyone can understand
All over the world sing along
I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
Honest I do, honest I do, honest I do"



Metaphorically speaking!


 Duchamp - using a urinal as a fountain

. Model of something to use a urinal

Anti realism in a realistic way?

inexorable wheel of time

Time heals all they say. How much time I ask?

I have moments of real peace and smiles in my heart and soul. The longing and the aching washes over me suddenly, seemingly without reason - a association or a memory and the feeling of loss.

I have accepted that JH isn't in love with me. When I was able to enventually hear that it was like my heart shattered into a tiny million pieces. But I did hear him and appreciate the courage it took to tell me his truth.
It appears to me that letting go is such a huge fear for JH. I relate, not sure its in the same way but I am terrified of losing people. I am scared that if JH is with other people then we can't have anything between us.
And by anythign I mean nothing more than allowing the friendliness. And time for me to allow my hurt to subside.
With some acceptance some healing is moving in. I feel it in moments. Phew this is so tough. I have never felt such intimacy. I wonder if its different really for a man - Sex doesn't have such an emotional attachment often with men. I have never allowed myself to be so open and relaxed. It contributes to my sense of loss. But it's not the be and all.
It's the easy companionship we were able to have mainly that I am missing today. Sharing thoughts and being so totally at ease as a person. Although when I think of the doubt ----- where there is doubt, have faith.

St Francis of Assissi prayer - I heard this last night at the meeting. I so needed to hear the messgae of Step 11 last evening.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I felt quite ashamed really that I had not been able to apply any of this during the recent exchanges. Then I was more gentle on myself remembering that I am still so very new at this and not terribly well practiced. But I am doing my best and when reminded of the fullness of all these things can stand back.
I am very, very sorry for not being able to deal with the way things are better. I think from what JH is saying that actually he does hold the value of honesty.  This has nothing to do really with him not being in love with me. But I wanted him to see - instead of being gentle about this there have been times when my hurt has turned into anger which at times has been appropriate and acceptable anger. What is not OK is my behaviour at times. I don;t like the way I become sharp tongued and jibe. I also don't like how I have tried  to go over and over the problems trying to make JH see. It simply has ersulted in more and more divide.
I feel myself jibe out in my attempt to protect my poor little self who is just hurt time and time again byt people. I let them. I see that in my adulthood and I can also see how the pattern was set as my self worth was shaped way back then in childhood.
Today I am trying to have courage to not accept less than I deserve. It has been quicker this time than say with SH. And it doesn't compare with JB or CY. I have loved JH with such emormity. And now I need to unlove him . I love him as a human being and I value all that is still wonderful which is what makes it difficult to accept that it's over. And difficult to accept that he doesn't love me.
It takes time and at times it seems inexorable. I know that if I keep taking care of myself this will pass.
I feel able to offer friendship with time to JH. I hope there hasn't been too much damage for him to want this too.
I would love to be able to support him in this stage of his journey.
I hope that he might read this and know the depth of the meaning in my heart and be able to find forgiveness when my shortcomings emerge - past, and horribly in the future too. I don't want to say sorry yet as I cannot be certain that I won't make similar mistakes but as the hurt is submerging little by little I think I may have more awareness (please God?) and be able to choose to behave differently.
Please bear with me one and all.


I have also been able to once again cherish the gifts JH has left for me
his stool - his bowl - his spoon - his thingy-ma-jig.
Yes I am able to take a big breath and truly feel love. And gratitude.

I hope this feeling stays longer - everything passes I know but this is lovely to be able to feel.

Thanks God,

Bliss
XXX

My darkness has lifted in this moment. Thanks St Francis too :))








Acceptance

The pain in my chest
Just like holding my breath for too long
Panic setting in, trying to breathe
Standing beneath a torrent of endless streaming water
Pounding on my head
Cascading over my body
Beating against my vulnerable, nakedness
Eroding my essence
Washing away my silent screams
Distorting my vision,
This is the struggle of emotions.
Why am I waiting for the streaming to slow?
Why haven't I stepped aside?
With widening eyes, awakening
Coveting courage, extolling values
One single determined move
Gasping in air
At the very same moment the flow slows,
 the answer to all my problems
Acceptance










Wooing for love or a fuck!

The Indian Serenade
by Percy Bysshe Shelley

I.
I arise from dreams of thee
In the first sweet sleep of night,
When the winds are breathing low,
And the stars are shining bright
I arise from dreams of thee,
And a spirit in my feet
Hath led me -- who knows how?
To thy chamber window, Sweet!

II.
The wandering airs they faint
On the dark, the silent stream --
The Champak odours fail
Like sweet thoughts in a dream;
The nightingale's complaint,
It dies upon her heart; --
As I must on thine,
Oh, belovèd as thou art!

III.
Oh lift me from the grass!
I die! I faint! I fail!
Let thy love in kisses rain
On my lips and eyelids pale.
My cheek is cold and white, alas!
My heart beats loud and fast; --
Oh! press it close to thine again,
Where it will break at last.

Written early 1820.
Published 1822.

To his Coy Mistress
by Andrew Marvell
Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.


John Donne - Elegy XX: To His Mistress Going to Bed.


Come, madam, come, all rest my powers defy;
Until I labour, I in labour lie.
The foe ofttimes, having the foe in sight,
Is tired with standing, though he never fight.
Off with that girdle, like heaven's zone glittering,
But a far fairer world encompassing.
Unpin that spangled breast-plate, which you wear,
That th' eyes of busy fools may be stopp'd there.
Unlace yourself, for that harmonious chime
Tells me from you that now it is bed-time.
Off with that happy busk, which I envy,
That still can be, and still can stand so nigh.
Your gown going off such beauteous state reveals,
As when from flowery meads th' hill's shadow steals.
Off with your wiry coronet, and show
The hairy diadems which on you do grow.
Off with your hose and shoes; then softly tread
In this love's hallow'd temple, this soft bed.
In such white robes heaven's angels used to be
Revealed to men; thou, angel, bring'st with thee
A heaven-like Mahomet's paradise; and though
Ill spirits walk in white, we easily know
By this these angels from an evil sprite;
Those set our hairs, but these our flesh upright.
Licence my roving hands, and let them go
Before, behind, between, above, below.
O, my America, my Newfoundland,
My kingdom, safest when with one man mann'd,
My mine of precious stones, my empery;
How am I blest in thus discovering thee!
To enter in these bonds, is to be free;
Then, where my hand is set, my soul shall be.
Full nakedness! All joys are due to thee;
As souls unbodied, bodies unclothed must be
To taste whole joys. Gems which you women use
Are like Atlanta's ball cast in men's views;
That, when a fool's eye lighteth on a gem,
His earthly soul might court that, not them.
Like pictures, or like books' gay coverings made
For laymen, are all women thus array'd.
Themselves are only mystic books, which we
—Whom their imputed grace will dignify—
Must see reveal'd. Then, since that I may know,
As liberally as to thy midwife show
Thyself; cast all, yea, this white linen hence;
There is no penance due to innocence:
To teach thee, I am naked first; why then,
What needst thou have more covering than a man?




I had such an interesting conversation with ML and then today JG about these last two poems. JG could recite both from memory. He has an amazing recall. Sometimes during our working day it is great to stop and talk about other things.
JG is very well educated in literature and having asked him if he knew Andrew Marvell and him immediately reciting the poem, we discussed the oooh la la! The fun of it and the beautiful lines produced in the metaphysical discipline. It was then that JG talked about John Donne. He recited it then I found it and read it. It was again fun. And attempting to translate the meaning from metaphor after metaphor. I am so uneducated but beginning to be more acceptant that I may not have any education to any depths but I am grabbed by these things when I learn of their existence and then a desire for more knowledge is borne. At least I am inquisitive. I get frustrated with my memory however. I am sort of justifying myself here. Poo!
Anyway I have learnt that at a point in hi life, John Donne changed his lifestyle and adopted a more spiritual journey. Having been romping around the courts (my word romp as it reads like a British romp ha ha). Naughty courtier becomes spiritual. I wonder what it was that brought him to a point of desiring change?
Most people today make changes because the old way has stopped working. Erickson went as far as to say that it is a crisis or crises that brings about a desire to make changes. Of course the word crisis strikes alarm. It sounds very dramatic and even traumatic but crisis can be at any degree enough for someone to review their current behaviours, attitudes, beliefs and so on, enough to want to bring about change. Often people change the things around them but when that doesn't work eventually it is the internal things that need to change. Psychosocial identity. Fascinating. Anyway, John Donne made changes and his poetry altered with his new direction of course. From naughty romps to spiritual, life meaning poetry. But his metaphysical approach seems so very complicated. Apparently " John Donne - Elegy XX: To His Mistress Going to Bed." is one of the easiest to grasp the gist. JG recommended another to read but already I have forgotten the name.
Of course a knowledge of the language at the time and the ability to be able to reference issues at the time seems important. A very intellectual knowledge is required it seems to me.
I had to ask what "Until I labour, I in labour lie" means. JG suggested it was

associated with the labour of love - I interpreted this as arousal and desire. This man fighting his desire perhaps - or rather fighting to get his desire met. Off with her clothes!
And I think his envy for the busk is how the busk sits on her bottom and how he would wish to have his hands on her. Ha ha.
Let down her hair and remove her underwear her shoes and into bed.
Liking the white sheets to heavenly places? How beguiling an idea. Ha ha. I can sense the clean sheets and the fresh smell and how heavenly that can actually feel.
Goose pimples as they touch?
And my how he treasures the nakedness.
..."For laymen, are all women thus array'd." What does this mean? Inexperienced asking if all women are as wonderful as this woman?
Imputed grace will dignify - lovely lovely line (I want to practice grace and dignity more)
Anyway i like this line although not sure what he is saying - the grace ascribed to this woman - will dignify - who him or her?

I smiled at the naughtiness of this poem. It seemed more comical in way than Andrew Marvell. In that it seemed as if he was trying to beguile her without respect just wanting to have sex NOW! And conning her.
Donne seems beguiling but without hiding his truth somehow, not promising anything other than what it is.

Mmmm interesting.
Wish for someone else to read this and share their ideas. But I do not want to promote my Blog either.
It was fun anyway sharing both of these with learned people or one learning to be learned and the other properly learned in such matters - well thinks he is.

Bliss
XX












Courage is not settling for less

The trick with courage, Bliss, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe
 

Breathing in a vacuum




   





James Turrell
Strikes me - excites my visual neurons - interests me - evokes emotions. Rich and atmospheric, like I could reach out and feel the light and the colours.
I would like to experience the night sky from his room. And his crater sounds so exquisite.
Its almost the converse of Barbara Kruger - which is almost crowding issues into a box whilst Turrell is sort of opening the box to reveal the space. The Universe comes into the room to lead me out - not sure I can explain adequately what it does for me. It's like it enables me to breathe and feel freed.

Barbara on the other hand seems to be squashing everything human into the same place.