Negotiating the sale of my soul to the devil

I have had a real awakening this morning. I DO NOT want to work for the Priory. I can't take back applying for the job in the first place but I have this morning been thankful for the experience because it has revealed to me how easily I will sell my soul to the devil - on a couple of matters as well. 1 is greed, but I am seeing my principles are actually bigger these days than my greed. And for that I am grateful too. 2 Because PD kept on and on to apply even when he was first leaving. I am frustrated with myself that I allowed his voice to infiltrate and oddly its a similar voice to that of my mum and dad - security, corporate, selfish usefulness really. I don't want to put my mum in that last bracket actually - she did her work with passion.
There is a number 3 point as well, the fear of being out of work is there at times. If PD should fold up and I have been getting very drained working for him - he and I are so very different although PD is very kind to people. We had someone with us completely free of charge for 7 months. And he gives the odd free day when we genuinely know people are struggling. I would do more but that's why I will NEVER EVER be rich
Hey ho!
But I took his projections and re-hashed them. He doesn't think I know anything about business at all which doesn't matter but I did give him back my projections. My suggestion has been far more modest than his. I have costed in a salary for him and another 4 day a week therapist and then myself. I have suggested he would need another two years worth of funding which is higher than the amount he's asked for and I have projected lower intake of clients than he would like. When I costed the therapist I removed my name so that it looked like he didn't have to worry about me personally because he does. Some of his issues are sleepless nights because he worries about putting me out of work BUT I'd rather be out of work than work for the Priory and I've come to realise it. I was angry with myself earlier for even applying because I've been negotiating the sale of my soul with the devil.
However, this morning after my quiet time I am grateful to see clearly. My pride will be hurt if they don't offer and my pride is hurt that I even applied in the first place because it's evidence to the world of my greed. But there's better things than my pride, is my humility and grace.
I have a mind to call today and withdraw my application. And then I think let it ride but I think it would be harder to say thanks but no thanks knowing that I have been swayed by greed and fear. What I know is that the incongruence is greater than greed and fear. And I am so so thankful to see this and really feel it I worked for a corporate for the "best" years of my life in the sense of the days when I was super energised (youth) and super passionate. I did it because of many influences and I made good at it and was successful. It took its toll on my soul though. Always always I had the battle with my conscience, my principles, my values. And here I have a louder conscience today. I do not have to be fearful of my mum and dad's opinion. Often PD sounds like my dad, even say my name the same way my dad did and even has little sayings the same. I am losing my fear of him though. I am gaining a stronger sense of myself. And again am grateful to see how influenced I can still be by that fear of a false "god" within me.
What do you think? Withdraw my application or let it ride and receive the probable rejection anyway or thank them and say no thank you if by some fluke I am offered the job? When I was thinking about this earlier I was just cross for having applied but then realised I had to go through this process to really SEE - And then it just came to me I could withdraw - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not. And the odd thing is that if PD should close I am less troubled by that then I have been about applying for this job. Applying for the Prinsted job dos not give me the trouble this one has. I am so glad I understand what the trouble is now. I am a decent person. I do this job because I care about people not money. And I am glad it's been revealed to me that I am a decent person. My principles do not match the principles of the Priory. Doesn't make them wrong by the way it's merely a mismatch I think there are some wonderful people there. I loved seeing some of them again and I miss them. Even the "funny" folk with bad tempers - I know they care. I would hope to somehow have contact with them on a professional basis at least. Today I have three clients for my private practice. I have one who had to postpone a session as well. That one and one other today would be Skype sessions - so I don't even have to travel. Tax wise this is problematic.
It may be better for me to go self employed with PD but he is really loathe to do that for some reason. PD is really loathe to do that - not sure why but I think he fears my business will supercede his. What he doesn't know is that I would prioritise his business when I'm there and mine when not. It is divided of course. But it is anyway - I am working towards my own business. And that was another thing I know would delay further my own business. Although I was thinking working there would be good for securing better contacts. Ugh more selling my soul!!!
I can develop contacts openly and genuinely without needing that STATUS to be a somebody. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so glad this has all been revealed to me. I could feel it but couldn't quite get clarity and now I have  - there's probably more to be revealed but thank goodness this has opened up clearly. I keep asking myself if I'm seeing it like this on purpose to avoid rejection - yes I don't want not to be wanted but I think that's human. I don't want to be the one that rejects. I think I should withdraw my application. What a scary thing to do. I need to rapidly check this out with a few people because if I am to do it I need to call early this morning .... I suddenly feel clear in my head apart from this last question. I know that I DO NOT want to work for the Priory and I feel entirely settled within - that is the right thing for me. Goodness my mum and dad on earth would be having a fit right now. Mind you my dad never got over me leaving British Airways despite my success in Hogg Rob and then in latter years he completely gave up after I left Hogg Rob - just more fodder for his utter disappointment in me as a human being - the first being born the second being born a girl. He and I had very little chance of hitting it off ever really. Poor him, what a life of trying to get through it with such hatred for everything and everyone. I suppose that's why I shed a tear when I remember him laughing. When he laughed he laughed from the very core and it was genuine. I pray for that soul that was mainly trapped within him. I do not want to die in that way and I think with all the help and love I get my soul is being freed - yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hope you don't mind me having ranted this out. I wanted it to be witnessed. I don't expect you to have read any of it at all. So don't worry about needing to reply but of course if there's anything you feel like saying please do.
If you have an opinion about withdrawing my application I'd appreciate that too.

THANK YOU GOD. I am so glad I reach out to you.

My friend suggests the following ....

morning.. I am not sure about withdrawing - u know all the above, as do friends. i may complete the process and wait to hear. if u get offered it u can let them does gently and politely. take offer away and consider and then give less emotionally charged thanks but no thanks. Distance - working on own business expansion, move.away from client work etc etc. if a rejection you can ask for feedback and keep on good terms re futures. picking up secondary work etc etc. They need know none of above. You need not explain or justify. know own current and preferred area of work and that is more client contact etc etc etc. Money bureaucracy etc your personal view. I said none of that to the art job was rejected from and kept doors open. Rejection is hard but think of hp universe etc. sometimes reasons beyond our knowledge and wot is it our will that sometimes gets in way so just let it play out. and if u get rejected no decision to make. if not 'phew' in head but keep good relations. Albeit if offered that I still think likely - client work prob key get out and apologise for change of heart but would rather say now than join and then unsettle team further by leaving.

There is my pride feeling pinched that this person comes up with some sensible ideas and not me. Ha ha ha. Please God remove my pride.

Bliss
x

Universal truths

At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was  not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.

So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is  work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.

Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.

I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.

Bliss
XX