I like the idea of life without fear. I've known for some time that I'm just living in fear, especially with my dad. I have been perpetually scared. Until 12 Step recovery I hadn't known that I was afraid. I was just trying desperately to get things right so that he would approve. I never could of course. When i was good it wasn't enough or the right kind of good and so then I'd rebel and receive his wrath. He died with that wrath and dislike still in tact. Strongly. The last time I saw him conscious was in the hospital. As usual there wasn't much to speak about. What could have been talked about was his condition and spoken some real truths. But I couldn't and no doubt he wouldn't. The very last thing my dad ever said to me or did to me was in anger and feigning sleep to get rid of me. Bastard! I'm trying to just accept that this is how he wanted things and that's acceptable. of course it is how it is/was but it's hurtful emotionally. All I wanted was some acknowledgement and I suppose I wanted some apology for the past. He would and could never do that of course. And then the final slight of disinheriting me.
With his death I feel relief. As horrible as that may sound to some people, his death means that perhaps there is some freedom now. I may be able to move further away from the fear. Certainly I am feeling a little bit stronger and certainly more aware. I am tired of being beholden because of my fear. I'm so concerned always about getting things wrong and not knowing my opinion. I don't know what is the best thing. I don't know always what I like or dislike. I have a gap between me and me. I am prepared to allow myself to discover now.
Anyway now I no longer have to seek his approval. He's dead! I just see thought the legacy of his attitude towards me throughout my life. And there's a lot to unpick.
I'm realising I'm angry with my mum though. She must have been in such denial. Yet I know she lived in fear of him. I don't know if she overcame it but she certainly did start doing more of the things she wanted. But neither of us were comfortable with visitors. I didn't help. I would also hate the intrusion of people in the end. But I was slouching home for a comfort weekend often and didn't want others there. Plus of course it was always hassle because my dad was so moody beforehand and then not at ease in his skin when people were there. I would be either belittled publicly or have to get things right etc. It was all so tense. My mum would insist though in the end. Good for her.
But she must have known more than me what a twat my dad was. All the lies and his foul behaviour.
So it is a nice feeling that I might be able to work towards a life without fear. It probably will not ever leave me completely but I have a chance to get some freedom. I have experienced the freedom from the food and as I step back into Step one, I really do know that the fear has utter control over me and with it comes a lot of unmanagability - lies, secrets, manipulation, demands, insecurity, anxiety, gossip, resentment, rebellion, self-hatred, negativity, jealousy, despondency, inertia, isolation. And so on. Not a way to live
I feel a sense of needing to fly from here. I keep looking out and as beautiful as the area is it just doesn't look beautiful to me at the moment. My fear of going is the financial insecurity. I would like to simply trust and go with the flow. I don't need to live to a ripe old age and some of my fear is health. I'm thinking of India and Far East you see. I feel a loyalty to PD with the business but with a week like this past week I am too afraid really. You see fear is everywhere within me.
Please Universe, please show me how to trust the belief in you that I have. Show me how to step from this fear into being the adventurer on a grander scale than the life I've been leading. I want to be out there. I feel trapped and have done so for my entire life. My dad is dead now. Help me to live the person who is inside of me.
Thank you Universe
Bliss
XX
