With regard to the treatment centre job offer in Thailand, The timing isn't good for this kind if a move. I'm not unhappy where I am in anything just not terribly satisfied. More gratitude less wanting. Reading the big book this morning which I'm advised to read a couple if paragraphs chosen at random on a regular basis, I was reading about sex conduct - liked your link between accepting first smile from a man and similarly job. I did do that with G. Never think men will find me attractive so when one does I'm so shocked and flattered. Anyhow that's by the by. As I was reading it flirted through my mind how boring a person I'll be if I live by my principles. Used to think the same about drinking and drugging and even jobs and EVERYTHING - if I live as I believe then I WILL be boring. I worked hard at crossing my principles and the rules. I constantly have felt guilty and have been waiting to get caught. Funny thing is its me who caught me and I imploded. In fact drinking and drugging just relaxed my internal disciplinarian do that I could break my internal measure - and overcome my reservedness. It's not new information but sometimes it shines obvious and it's good to share it rather than just let these thoughts come and go. So the naughty, addictive, hedonistic me suddenly rose up. I thought "bloody hell, it will be boring not to toy with men from time to time." It's so insidious how this restless element to me manifests. I am glad of the awareness as in that moment I could also bring in the part if me that does want to be respectful, not give any cause to writes jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. I can live by the way I believe in and feel at ease with. There have even been times when I've forced encounters as a way of dealing with my own jealousy, suspicions and bitterness. Retaliation. And of course those feelings can be self induced, not based in any reality other than my own insecurity. I've made it all do complex and if course it became more and more complicated as the years went by. The escalation. Of course things are much simpler and less damaging when I started out. And then the line into compulsiveness was crossed at some point. I knew no other way at that point. But it's all fallen in and I'm very grateful I can be redirected. Not pure of thought but at least I'm making wiser choices. Just really wanted to externalise a moment of my thoughts. Thanks for reading this. All triggered by page 69-72. And not wanting to be driven by my self-centredness or what was a blinded desperate bid for survival in other words. Wanting to be guided by a more inner sense of decency - listen to my instincts more, and be mindful of others - gradually gradually waking up.
Bliss
Bliss
