She made the sign of a spoon he made the sign of a wave.

I have read somewhere about the investment in a person of qualities that a person wants them to have. I am hoping someone knows it and can point me in the direction of it.
I feel very "up in the air at the moment". Not really got a foot firmly on anything that feels solid and grounding.
Chithurst is only 20 minutes or so away. And I would like to commit some time to that. I think I could commit Thursday to get there by 7:30 but this means I could not go for walks after work - Monday I can, Tuesday I can. Wednesday probably not and then Thursday probably not. Friday I can. After work they will be brief walks only. Saturdays and Sundays if I am not working are study and walking days.
If I could get there once a week alongside AA Monday, SLAA Wednesday and AA Friday, with the odd AA Saturday too. I miss CODA.
I think I went a bit cold turkey. The relationship ended and I was holding on alone. I am not really asking for help from friends although have lots of contact which I appreciate.
AM called - she seems to take a lot of time. I do not begrudge that and when I do talk she always is very supportive. I hope she can remember the quote or the concept that of investing in desired qualities.

Bliss
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Special Day

Happy Birthday JH
I feel sad. This time last year I was so excited. This year about the same person I feel so sad.
Sadness hurts.
I really feel he is gone. I was holding on that he might think differently ..... but why on earth would he do that. He is enjoying his playing with things he has only allowed himself to toy with all through his time with his wife. Now he can put his fantasies into action. I hope it stops having consequences on people like me though. He doesn't have to feel that part.

I am going to get My head down to studying. Nothing else to write about this morning.
Really keeping close to my HP today.
Just texting back to AM who is hoping to be pregnant but trying not to allow her hopes to be too built up. I can mirror her toing and froing with the thoughts around that as I don't want my friend to be disappointed and I would like for her to have what she wants so badly.  With wants and the emotions attached to that it is so difficult to just go with the flow and wait to see what happens next whilst enjoying the moment. Right now she is well, she is working and that requires focus.
If I apply the same to myself. I am well, I am in a nice cleaned flat. It is peaceful around me. Nothing bad is happening and I have time to focus on my studies. LouLou is walked and now snuggled and sleeping. I am not at all alone, people are contacting me on and off all day long.
I am in need of nothing right at this very moment. Anything can happen next so stop trying to force anything. This is it and it's OK.
I have a desire for more or something else all the time. I have a hunger for experiences, information, knowledge. I am rarely content where I am. I think I want something and gradually that something becomes not enough as well. So if I stay in this very moment all is OK.

I am seeing my therapist tonight. I have had a lot of experiences of myself. But I would like to go with the lack of understanding of the enormous sadness I feel. I also don't really know how best I can use my time with him. I don't know where I am heading. Do I need to know? Can I just keep going along and see what happens each week? If I am in the moment then that would seem appropriate. Go and see what comes up. Observe how I am in the moment.
This week I have experienced jealousy, fear, sadness, irritation resulting in control, some acceptance and some ambivalence. Gratitude as always
camera, laptop, extra tuition etc. Material things.
And also gratitude for music that I really hear, friendships that are stimulating, people who are just kind and thoughtful, energy, shared wisdom, clarity, experiences at a very acute level of awareness it seems, freedom in moments, engagement with my HP, fellowship.

And then I read JS's response to a question I had about a Buddhist practice. It was lovely reading her explanation. I see in JS a definite change and I am so happy for her. She is till JS but with a greater sense of contentment. This is what I prayed for her when I was struggling all those years ago. It is a joy to see her. I am grateful for her finding this.

The Universe writes today what is suggested in fellowship as well. To be able to do something or give to someone without the knowing. When I first heard this I was mystified. Which just goes to show how thoughtless and selfish I was.
Today it is so simple to practice this but I do forget so it was nice to have the reminder and so now I will put this suggestion into practice.

When was the last time you pleasantly surprised or even shocked someone, Bliss, and remained anonymous?
Well, it just may be the most fun one can have in time and space.
Let's play,
    The Universe

The truth is I am not sure when I consciously practiced this. So now I can and I will.

I have a sense of calm and contentment myself right now, which clears brain space too for me to be able to study.
Thank you HP

Bliss
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