“Action is consolatory. It is the enemy of thought and the friend of flattering illusions.”
Joseph Conrad.
A curious quote really.
I watched The Human Stain and that's when I heard this quote. Yes there is comfort in action. But the action needs to be healthy. Somehow there is a lot missed out in this quote. Because action is certainly the enemy of thought.
But action as the friend of flattering illusion. Mmmm how I interpret this is to mean that action can be unhealthy. It can be feeding the unhealthy. So action is useful if it is healthy action, there is a need to have other people around who know exactly what the action is as they will be able to better see how destructive or not the action is. My problem can be in not listening fully to what my friends are saying. I want to do what I want to do even when they are asking em to consider whether it is truly with my own best interest at heart.
So yes action is necessary. It is vital. But within a boundaried framework.
I watched the film - it was difficult to watch. People keeping secrets, afraid of rejection if disclosing the truth. But of course in the end the freedom was in the truth and acceptance. I watched it as the man accepted the woman with her troubles. I could relate to her troubles.
I saw her anger fired from long ago issues. He was patient and held her. He revealed his truth and then they died.
I realised through recent events just how my anger seeps out. Whilst I have known intellectually I am angry I have not really been able to get my fingers on it. Other people see it and feel it but I have been unwilling and unable to accept my anger. And now I am beginning to.
In the past I have raged. Suicide attempts, self harming, addiction, crazy behaviours and then just expire with exhaustion. JH thought I was angry at him I think. I have felt angry and at times horribly landed the anger on him. But I am aware today that I was angry. Not with him just with the situation, not with me either. The problem with anger is that it seems to need to be placed somewhere. I seemed to place it on him at times. And if not on him on me.
That has been the way of things I think I am realising. Most of my life, eventually I turn the anger in on myself. The beliefs I have about myself that are so negative - anger. Also messages I collected from my family of origin and not only verbally but through their rejection or reaction to me. More ammunition.
So I have an odd feel left over from the film pertaining to me. How much I also need patience and forgiveness. I believed too that JH had some difficulties with the issues I have about life. It was in the film that I realised how loving he was of her despite her difficulties with trauma from her past and how it had affected her. It's all labelled under the umbrella term mental health and I have a feeling this scares a lot of people away. I never want to be secretive about this part of my life as it's been a major part in my trauma healing and brought me to a greater understanding.
Thankfully the majority of people do not have to encounter mental health issues in any shape or form. I am relieved for them. However, it is a part of my life story to date. I am not "mental". Many people find it difficult to deal with though in the forms it can take. Well I know for certain I would like to be accepted as I am in the knowledge that I am always looking for opportunity for growth and change.
Tolerance of those with different struggles.
I have had a very difficult weekend in many ways. JH and I breaking up with each other is just so flipping painful. I started to question my decision. I started thinking that JH had planted the idea anyway. He said it was me that ended things. Well I sort of knew but then I doubted. I needed to know from him if it really is what he wants or not. His words were so very vague yet full of information. It seemed as if he knew it was right but did not want to say so.
Through his words I heard that this is definitely the right thing for him and therefore I know it is right for me. Right? Is that the word? It's not right for me at all but it is not possible for JH and I to go forward as an us. Gosh that hurts as I thought our future looked really lovely. Great possibilities for us. So much interest to bring to each other. Just the minor issue of differences that seemed to be greater than the good things.
I wonder if JH sees a pattern for him? I was lying in the bath thinking of the patterns for me and also asking the Universe to show me the things that still seem unclear for me. What I can learn.
I feel so dreadfully sorry that JH received any things that I said as a slight on him. That is not true at all.
We just seemed to be wanting different things but that hadn't been clear from the very onset.
How tragically sad when two people also get on so well in other ways.
In many other ways this weekend has been full of treasured moments. A lovely evening on Friday with ET and subsequent lovely talks and laughs. A wonderful day with AM and ML walking, talking and dining beside the heat of a wonderful log fire. Lunch with ML and 2 games of Scrabble - one all at this stage. And the honour today of meeting AB'sg on Friday with ET and subsequent lovely talks and laughs. A wonderful day with AM and ML walking, talking and dining beside the heat of a wonderful log fire. Lunch with ML and 2 games of Scrabble - one all at this stage. And the honour today of meeting AB's estranged sister through adoption at birth. She was delightful. And I was very honoured further to have time whilst we were out walking just to chat to C. And not only that after C and her husband had left I sat with GB AB and RB and we had a very earnest discussion about very deep feelings connected with the family dynamics and the complex interconnections and interactions. There seemed to be some clarity of very intense feelings during some moments.
And then home - slowly the pain will pass I know. There is a gap - usually I would text JH and then speak with him. It's the little things - telling him about the minute detail that has seeped into me during my day. Sharing little thoughts about things I have seen or observed. I do not have tat anymore. For that I cry some more tears.
Sharing is a wonderful thing. I realise that it is a spiritual principle for me. However, sharing needs to be with someone who accepts me for all my nuances just as JH was saying that it seemed as if I was not accepting him for him. He was of course right. What I have learnt is that I can acknowledge that and work beyond it. I do that all the time everyday. I have learnt that I need to be sharing more wit friends instead of working things out with one person. I need more meetings.
Universe I am grateful for the lovely things that have been happening through this weekend as I have been facing such heart breaking things too. I know the grief for my sense of loss will pass. I have had some wonderful times with JH and I an thankful to him for many things, material and experiential and spiritual. I hate giving that up whether it's by his leaving me or me leaving him. Phew it's damned hard. Memories already of times together, not to be shared again.
Wow!
This will fade and other matters in life will once again return.
Cuddles with LouLou, Walks, Visits to galleries organised. Studying. Friends. New people. Old people. Creations ....... every moment is a new creation to be experienced and grow from.
Universe I will be fully thankful - right now the pain has taken over again. I know today I have moments of true delight and pleasure. So the pain isn't constant. I will be able to write about things without so much pain at some point I know. Sound like I am trying to convince myself - I AM!!!! He he :)
Goodnight
Bliss
XX
