Another bod on the bus

When the issues of someone else's life have you tied in knots, Bliss, it usually means it's time to start focusing on your own life.
Doesn't that feel better?
The Universe
 
It reminds me that other peoples business is not my business unless they make it so.
It reminds me of how my insecurity keeps me focused on what Master is or isn't doing when he is not with me.
It reminds me of how much energy I could invest in myself to be OK with me.
Thank you Universe

I am not very connected to me yet again this evening. Events are happening, well that's life! Yet I am uncertain of how I am about everything.
I met with JB and gave him my old phone. He is unwell, I handed over the phon. I had no desire to stay and talk and in fact couldn;t get away fast enough really. Nothing to do with him simply I have little going on in my head.
I went to the cafe - ordered and coffee and something to wat as I knew I wouldn't get home until late, I waited and the D arrived. I handed over the swag bag. Phew! A relief after all this time to have done the responsible thing. I never had any intention other than to get the money back to the meeting. But it got delayed, then delayed a little longer and then even longer. Then it became a little embarrassing and then even more embarrassing and the too embarrassing.
Well anyway it is finally dealt with. And as D says noone other than M and herself know anything about my unmanageability I can return without the shame.
Whilst I was there having coffee, SH walked in. He did not see me immediately. I mentioned to D that he was there. She remarked that he had seen me and at that point he left. It's not pleasant to be on the receiving end of his anger and obvious dislike for me. I take some comfort in the fact that a number of people have said that they no longer hear from him or thay have grown apart. It is my opinion that SH has a lot of anger and does not face  his anger in the way that I have been looking at my own. Knowing his story, I have empathy for him. I would just prefere it if sometime soon he could drop the blame that he puts upon me. We both have a part in the way things turned out and it does not help my own self belief - I believe I am always in the wrong - that he continues to hold a resentment and he shows this by ignoring me. We so rarely encounter each other these days, it just seems like energy that is so negative. Perhaps some time in the future he might be different.
It's not surprising that I dreamt that during a similar encounter he smiled and started walking over towards me. I remember feeling scared but then I don't recall what happened next.
I arrived home. Master was dealing with a very personal situation. I sent a message to ask if he was there so that I might tell him I was there if he wished to summon me but he was clearly very busy.
I turned on my computer ................
Master was in SL.  He had told me yesterday that he had been to SL but said nothing this evening.
I know Master will read this .... I am writing it because I have all sorts of uncertainty about what and how to think and feel.
I had visited SL the other day and Master had told me he was disappointed. Now he visits twice in a row.
I told him I was visiting, he tells me once not a second time. What does this all represent to me?
Once again it's not the actually entering of SL - it's the openness of what is going on.
Of course Master was busy dealing with a personal situation BUT I signed into Skype to leave a kiss hello and then he was no longer in SL but saying hello to me.
I read all too much into these things I am sure.
I would like to just put it all aside.
Perhaps Master wishes to be in SL - I suppose I feel disappointment. Master said he felt disappointed when I entered SL even thgough I had said I wasn't going to. In the greater scheme of things it's nothing. Master says he loves me, wants to be with me and invests his time into our togetherness. And the fact that he didn't say  he had been into SL
There's such a big thing about SL. There is a lot of wonder about SL - fun things to experience.
But it is also a place where people meet people. Some are simply friendly encounters. And I have met smoe incredibly lovely people and maintain contact with a couple of them.
l is also a plave where people are very flirtatious. Master states categortically that he is very boundaried as he is not an available man. ..... It'sust a funny feel that he is in SL. Master said on Sunday or Monday he had been in SL and was sarting to clear his land?
It went through my mind that as I had gone in against my own commitment not to, perhaps this was then his opening to go to SL. Even though MAster had been thinking about not entering SL before I had suggested, it somehow seems that it wasn't really such a commitment as an idea at the time. I have been a little confused about whay he meant about not going to SL as since then he has sounded less committed about not going into SL. I have wanted to ask but I think he will think I amke a big deal out of things that he thinks are less than important.
SL is a big forum for people to meet people, have close encounters and liasons. It's not all that SL is about at all.
I wonder what Master was disappointed with me about when I went to SL?
I wonder what his reasons for not going to SL were originally. He said that his reasons for going beack more recently were something to do with his land and on Sunday or Monday whenever it was it was to pay his rent and start clearing up.
My reasons for going back to SL were as I said the other day triggered by a person I know very fleetingly now experiencing Sl as a newbie and wanting "live" contact with her. But also PR is me and right now I feel so horrid as me real me that she is a way of being without having to be in my b ody. So there is an element of getting our of reality. Furthermore right now my mood is down bu when in SL I was down as well.
I didn;t feel uplifted by the brief covnersation with YF.
So I wonder what Master really wants. Why did he suggest not going to SL and then what was his reason for relaxing that decision for himself. What was his disappointment in me for going there? I am not writing this for him to read although I know Master reads everything. I am just trying to empty the thoughts and hope for some clarity within my own thinking around thigns that happen.

Well as I am very aware - nothing is making a lot of sense to me right now. I can not get clarity through thinking things through or even talking things through and writing things down is at least a jumble of thoughts down in words rather than floating around and around. Doesn;t mean though they are any more sensical.

I am too too tired to really have any clue what goes on with me.

Another bod on the bus refers to being equal with the rest of the wolrld population - not less than and not more than
Self esteem - with rights but without demand.
I like being an anybody - not a nobody and not a somebody.
I heard a man share that once when I had been talking about my own social nervousness. That self-centredness that people would be considering and judging things I said or aware of me being very quiet and awkwatd in certain social situations. And maybe people are observing and making judgements. This man said that he is learning how to be simply another bod on the bus - no better than anyone else, no less than anyone else but comfortable just being there just for who he is.
Yes more and more I get this sense. But I have to keep ego in check. It is of course related to the Freudian ego but not completely the description of ego as per the "rooms".
P (Spain) described Ego as a belief system that is a lie.
Freud talks about ego being the centric youngster who as a baby the world does revolve around and the ego demands - food, cuddles, warmth etc and expecys to receive. The ID drives the demand. BUt the go makes these into wants - where there is a flimsy super ego - too boundaried not boundaried at all there is a distortion.
Well the Ego spoken of in the rooms is not dissimilar - but the Ego oftne is the cover for a lack of self esteem and worth. It manifests in different ways. Superior and grandiose. King Baby!!
Learning to reduce that or at least be aware and then choose to reduce that is my job. And there is so much freedom not having to pretend - just being more and more acceptant of me as me - not superior and not inferior.
I am a bod - I have my place here amongst others - I am not poo on the shoe just as I am not Queen of the land he he
OK got to go.
None of this makes too much sense which is the state of my mind

Only 14 days...........

Ramble ramble

Bliss
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The dance of being loved by another

Everyone, Bliss, lives the life of their choosing.
Not just what they chose, but what they're choosing.
Game on,
The Universe



Master awoke me at 6 am as he does every morning. I heard him calling through my dream in which my friend Atilla had been murdered!!! I am heving incredibly busy dreams. I was also so tired I didn;t think it could possibly be time to wake up.
Master wanted to look at me but I felt I am so wretched right now I tried to hide from him but this meant that he would not allow me to see him either. So of course I showed myself.
Master told me what he was doing as he placed his hand on my lower tummy with his finger just in the beginning of my slit. In his other hand he took one of my breasts. I felt completely his. It was a comforting feeling. Master knows that I am feeling so horrid at the moment.
Master said he wanted to make love with me and asked if that would be OK. I said yes of course and apologised for being so lacking in energy.
I am very very grateful how Master is so considerate of me. And not with high expectations of me too.
When he told me he must leave I really thgouth I would not see him until he summoned me this evening but then Master decided to sit and eat his breakfast with me beside him. I feel so much love for Master. I am very pleased that he seems lighter in himself. Master has seemed so pressured these last few weeks. I have been concerned about him.

I just noticed the sunrise - incredible how these colours are really felt deep inside me. The same with the autumn colours. It's as if I can breathe them in and then they swirl around and ignite my soul, like crisp, fresh air can fill my lungs. It's a similar feeling but somewhere so much deeper and even more a part of me, it's my spirit.

Last night when Master was speaking with me, he asked is I was fulfilling my slave responsibilities. I felt very ashamed but had to admit that I was not. I asked Master if even though I am feeling as I am I had to comply. Master smilingly said that he had not told me I could stop. I groaned and he smiled again. I really am having to do this ebcause I am a slave at this time and not because I am so willing. And yet I have chosen this commitment. I suppose I could ask to break out but it's commitment, commitment, commitment. Not to run when the going gets a little tougher. But PHEW! It feels difficult right now.
I woke up tired. I woke up hrting. I woke up and I want time at home just doing nothing for a few days. I realise now that when I was working with N - twice a year I had a couple of weeks of feeling really ill. I thought it was a virus but the symptoms were not dissimilar. I may have got a cold when already feeling so achey, and lethargic, and headaches, and general mallaise. I really would like time off work now but as they don't pay for sickness (grrrrr - sure it's not permitted) I cannot afford to take time off. With N it was always 2 weeks. I would always think that a week was plenty long enough but actually it took at least 2 weeks. There were times when I did have a flu-like bug too but I am certain that it occurred when my ebb was low. Last year at this time or towards the end of November I developed Swine flu - the start of SL. Leading me towards meeting Master.
Well I have to continue with my work regardless of feeling quite unwell. And I am to continue with my slave requirements. Right!

I feel increcible love for Master at this time. I have found it odd yet interesting to observe how the love between us changes - up and down - more or less - close and further away. It is a dance. Sometimes it seems that we are very very much in love and floating. At other times, it seems a little flat.
I have come to observe that it is not at it's fullest all of the time. This is usual I suppose. I have thought that if I notice Master isn;t so much in love with me then he is losing it completely. And I have thought in the past the same for me. But I am beginning to realise that life things happen and moods alter and things go up and down.
But it's not as extreme as I have always imagined. If it's less than full it doesn't mean it's time to leave.
This is a revelation to me.

What I am wondering now is how to manage these shifts and changes. If there is a lowering of love feeling, is it time to just notice and be anyway. Is it necessary to men tion anything. I wiould be afraid to say to Master that I feel less love. I also realise that it is not a feeling generated by him. The feeling is in me. Master has been himself when last my love was feeling lower. So it's not anything he is doing or not doing. And I need to remember that for myself too.
When something he is doing or being does evoke a feeling in me it is possible to speak about that - open communication as much as possible. But when it's just shifting emotion - well I can sense the shift in Master I am certain. Not always accurately narrated in my head of course!!!

I need to go and get ready for work.
Master is well on his way and wll see me this evening I believe

Poo it's hard to get going. My tummy aches - not inside - as if it's stretched - well it is.
Bliss
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