| "We may think that we have done enough by writing about our past. We cannot afford this mistake." |
| Basic Text, p.32 |
| Some of us aren't too keen on writing out our Fourth Step; others take it to an obsessive extreme. To our sponsor's growing dismay, we inventory ourselves again and again. We discover everything there is to know about why we were the way we were. We have the idea that thinking, writing, and talking about our past is enough. We hear none of our sponsor's suggestions to become entirely ready to have our defects removed or make amends for the harm we've caused. We simply write more about those defects and delightedly share our fresh insights. Finally, our worn-out sponsor withdraws from us in self-defense. Extreme as this scenario may seem, many of us have found ourselves in just such a situation. Thinking, writing, and talking about what was wrong with us made us feel like we had it all under control. Sooner or later, however, we realized we were stuck in our problems, the solutions nowhere in sight. We knew that, if we wanted to live differently, we would have to move on beyond Step Five in our program. We began to seek the willingness to have a Higher Power remove the character defects of which we'd become so intensely aware. We made amends for the destruction we had caused others in acting out on those defects. Only then did we begin to experience the freedom of an awakening spirit. Today, we're no longer victims; we are free to move on in our recovery. |
| Just for Today: Although necessary, Steps Four and Five alone will not bring about emotional and spiritual recovery. I will take them, and then I will act on them. Bliss XX |
Saturday 17 September 2011
Agonising analysing compared with interesting observation and moving on by
Letter to A
Thank you for reading my texts. And responding.
It's strange in a positive way but just recently I have been better able to simply observe myself within my emotions and thoughts. Not always immediately but after writing what's going on I seem able to literally stand back and take a view of myself. As a result I have been feeling that I embracing my feelings. Even writing that I can observe myself. It's another phase and what I observe is how surprised I am and analytical of it. However there is quite a freedom that I am feeling, like breathing in early morning fresh air.
I think I will give my dad a call just to enquire how his wife is and him too. :)
I too know how relationships stir up so much in me. So it is not surprising to me that so much is being stirred for you. From my own point of view I was really questioning with JH whether it was addiction or true connection. And I think on reflection that I can see that there was a bit of both. There was also avoidance for certain.
I respect you for working through each day.
I really believe that there is the courting stage, however each of us do that. I have always chosen to be full on, living together etc., early on in any relationship. How I view that now is that it's been my way of courting i.e. getting to know the other person and "us" together. Oddly enough I have always met people who want to court in the same manner. For myself it's probably not ideal because I get so ensconced I find it difficult to move on when I have realised I am not compatible after all.
However it has been my way and I have found out whether we can work it or not - and each stage of life has as well brought differences - I think early on the men were very similar. Has that changed? Well I think some things have shifted but underlying anger has been consistent. Is that typical of today's man? Who knows.
I would hope that I get to stage in my development when a relationship is easy. A person who is easy to be with. I realise that they way I am will always have difficulties for me - people with people.
I see how I have little things with people I know. But with the people I love in my life - You, E, M, A, R to name those that are amongst the most important, any differences and difficulties I experience pale into insignificance compared with the love and easiness I generally feel. And I realise the difficulties are always mine not the other person. However relationships I have been in have revealed to me that the differences seem to grow and unless the other person is able to as well, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to overcome them
For example my insecurity with JH's various lies and attitude with women "friends" was something I could not overcome. I became angrier and behaved like a screaming banshee and began to hate myself and him. He was who he was. I like many many things about him though. But oddly enough as I read the occasional email I receive from him I can see that there were so many incompatibilities. And clearly we couldn't find a common ground on some of the things that for me really mattered and the lesser issues weren't even evident. So I see how courting is a matter of time.
Blimey there are so many ups and downs of relating. It's a miracle that through the centuries humans have managed to survive (said tongue in cheek).
On the periphery of your relationship I realise that I know little a I don't see you together. By that I am not suggesting it needs to be otherwise. That was interesting for me to realise that as I have got older I am less involved in my friends relationships. I have never met N - yet I understand as E has never really been secure and now it's not even a relationship. I feel for her accepting these crumbs when I know she wants more but convinces herself this is OK. I know R's partner A because I stay with them. But the time is really spent with R and admittedly when I first met him I was quite rude about him. I was so ashamed about that (in early days of recovery literally and no idea what honesty really meant). However I have got to know him and like him well enough. I don't always approve of the way he treats R and see alcohol plays a part sometimes but I guess as my friends are courting then I am also getting to know the person as a friend. It's interesting how it all works.
Of course with I I only have your version of him. And also only your version of you two together.
I hope you don't mind me reflecting these things. Of course with an email you can read what you like and throw the rest away..... :)
Nothing I am writing is meant to sound in any way critical.
You are my friend and I love you very much so what I wish for you is happiness and contentment.
I hear your sadness.
I have felt so sad when writing Step One - reading what a complicated, abusive, painful life of relationships I have had. Sadness for the lack of the relationship I would like actually can still crave with my dad. How that gap with him is unfinished business within me and somehow I think contributes to creating gaps in the way I relate with men. Perhaps the gap is closing or altering shape. The grief deserves some healing time I think and I need somewhat to do this clear of a relationship. The men have never been enough to fill the gap between me and my dad. I am filled with sadness recently about this rather than rage and anger.
In the theory of grief this might mean that I am closer to acceptance - denial (decades of that - mainly thinking I was the problem and using) - anger ( decades of this too - inappropriate mostly but changing more recently to recognising the resentments and having spoken with him feel this was a release of some of the rage) - Bargaining ( oh my gosh - manipulation, changing personality, trying to be who I thought he wanted when that didn't work being everything he thought I was, coming between my mum and him, siding with him - all sorts of ways of bargaining) - Sadness (I have been sad throughout all these decades but the sadness has always felt so painful I think I turned it into anger and using to avoid the pain and if the pain was bad enough I would have to let it out but it came out in tears and desperation which my dad just rejected even more. I even cry as I write this. I closed the sadness down and now it's all coming out. I cry for my life time without my dads love for me being me and now as life comes towards an end I am just stricken with this sadness of a gap wider than the universe itself - it's such a pity, Especially as I have seem he relating with other people and craving that from him so much but all of the time not just in the glimpses of relating he has done. He has never been able to sustain closeness with anyone. I feel sad for him too but maybe that is misplaced, perhaps he is perfectly happy - I have no idea) - and coming towards acceptance (I have moments of acceptance which is big big progress. I am not sure I will get there as a destination but the moments of it bring me also moments of serenity)
So A this was a lot of blurb but very therapeutic for me. And all inspired from reading about how you are facing things on a daily basis. It is so much easier to be an observer from the outside - so I admire the way you can do this when you are sharing with friends. I just stopped doing that when with JH and never did it at all when with SH. And before that I was truly as mad as a hatter - drink drugs etc.
I think you are courageous and gracious in facing your relationship on a daily basis.
Interesting that I has discovered his boundaries regarding criticism. I am sure we talked the other day about you seeing how far you could push him. And ew yuch I know how I cringe when receiving feedback about how my behaviour affects someone else. I am always glad in hindsight but at the time I loathe it. Thankfully I am less likely to justify and dodge. I try to receive the feedback. Ha ha I have to almost dig myself into a trench just to stand still and try not to show any emotional reaction so that the person does not know that I am hurting and ashamed. Who me? Faulty? And yet I spend so much of my time feeling faulty and not enough. It's so complex huh!
Just a wonder on my part ..... do you think with I reacting rather than not dealing with this is a sign to you that he values the relationship? I just think I saw this in myself - there is a commitment sort of thing to work through something that is a challenge for him and he hasn't ignored it and walked away. I write this as someone saying that they want to be with me and are committed (as much as anyone can be) isn't enough. But someone who wants to work in togetherness i.e. not trying to change me but saying what is or isn't working for them and how I affect them is a sign of good friendship.
I remember the first few times this happened with E and it helped me realise that the friendship was strong. We weren't going to just gradually phase out, we could talk and hug and love each other even when there were difficulties and found ways to compromise with our differences. For me it seemed to be a security.
Regarding E at the moment it's me who ha actually separated myself. As I feel a anger with her at work, I perceive an attitude that I don't like. There is a grandiosity with a belief that she is level and friendly with everyone. I know she has a busy workload but I find a laziness outside of this zone. Wanting other people to do menail things that she thinks are not her responsibility. It feels demeaning actually. Simple things like getting a client to speak to her about funding. We can ask a client to speak to her but I do not feel that I am the one to always be chasing the clients on her behalf. We can all do that. And I get to a stage where I just withdraw and moan about her rather than challenge this. I know I am fearful of her temper. When she withdraws she withdraw with a cutting edge in her attitude. ON the other hand I have experienced E very differently when we have spoken. I could say that I feel undermined the next time there is an issue of not wantng to do things. I haven't had any direct contact with her as I haven't done P's job for a while. But over this next 2 weeks whilst he's away there will be more contact. So when I feel surprised I need to say something.
It was interesting the other day hearing how unhappy she is with the company. There was something bonding about that. I haven't talked to her of my disappointment and disgust and the lack of employee care. All the good staff are leaving and I want to leave too. I am hoping that something will present itself. I do not want to be working within a unit that is full of rubbish. It is not good for my morale and also it matters when looking for another job to be part of something that has been a success and not to have been around during the doldrums. Know what I mean? Mind you it is my opinion only. I liked what it was and the team that were there. I just don't like this style and it doesn't suit me nor me it. So hopfully there is an availability somewhere that is more compatible.
Before this with friends it's never been like this. People have always just disappeared or rejected or gossipped or something that has felt like rejection and so I have never trusted and gradually didn't bother.
With SH I always felt in the wrong. He was always angry with me for my behaviours and blaming and so there was no way to talk an find balance.I had to change or else. And it got to the or else in the end. I also felt so threatened by the need to change that I became stubborn and even things I could see needed to change were things I fought against. I think this was related to the fact that I was blamed for everything and he didn't want to take responsibility for anything. When he made his amends recently he said sorry for the anger after we separated. I wonder if he has any thoughts about the period before or if he still blames. Interesting as I reflect on it as I would like to make amends for some inflexibility on my part whilst in the relationship. That was my insecurity becoming a blanket for the things I was responsible for. One of those is the confusion I had about time with SH and then time on the phone with friends.
More recently with friends I so know it's not about them, it's about me. I get angry at first but recently see more quickly that it's me and know that I will find a way of saying something about my feelings.
Well after this epic email - avoiding studying and tidying too - but also good to type out some emotions and thoughts about me. It was really relating to a lot you are saying.
I hope your weekend is relaxing amidst the ups and downs ....sending you lots of love
Oh I accepted 1 1/2 days extra leave for the 2 weeks standing up for P. Seems reasonable I suppose.
Bliss
XX
It's strange in a positive way but just recently I have been better able to simply observe myself within my emotions and thoughts. Not always immediately but after writing what's going on I seem able to literally stand back and take a view of myself. As a result I have been feeling that I embracing my feelings. Even writing that I can observe myself. It's another phase and what I observe is how surprised I am and analytical of it. However there is quite a freedom that I am feeling, like breathing in early morning fresh air.
I think I will give my dad a call just to enquire how his wife is and him too. :)
I too know how relationships stir up so much in me. So it is not surprising to me that so much is being stirred for you. From my own point of view I was really questioning with JH whether it was addiction or true connection. And I think on reflection that I can see that there was a bit of both. There was also avoidance for certain.
I respect you for working through each day.
I really believe that there is the courting stage, however each of us do that. I have always chosen to be full on, living together etc., early on in any relationship. How I view that now is that it's been my way of courting i.e. getting to know the other person and "us" together. Oddly enough I have always met people who want to court in the same manner. For myself it's probably not ideal because I get so ensconced I find it difficult to move on when I have realised I am not compatible after all.
However it has been my way and I have found out whether we can work it or not - and each stage of life has as well brought differences - I think early on the men were very similar. Has that changed? Well I think some things have shifted but underlying anger has been consistent. Is that typical of today's man? Who knows.
I would hope that I get to stage in my development when a relationship is easy. A person who is easy to be with. I realise that they way I am will always have difficulties for me - people with people.
I see how I have little things with people I know. But with the people I love in my life - You, E, M, A, R to name those that are amongst the most important, any differences and difficulties I experience pale into insignificance compared with the love and easiness I generally feel. And I realise the difficulties are always mine not the other person. However relationships I have been in have revealed to me that the differences seem to grow and unless the other person is able to as well, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to overcome them
For example my insecurity with JH's various lies and attitude with women "friends" was something I could not overcome. I became angrier and behaved like a screaming banshee and began to hate myself and him. He was who he was. I like many many things about him though. But oddly enough as I read the occasional email I receive from him I can see that there were so many incompatibilities. And clearly we couldn't find a common ground on some of the things that for me really mattered and the lesser issues weren't even evident. So I see how courting is a matter of time.
Blimey there are so many ups and downs of relating. It's a miracle that through the centuries humans have managed to survive (said tongue in cheek).
On the periphery of your relationship I realise that I know little a I don't see you together. By that I am not suggesting it needs to be otherwise. That was interesting for me to realise that as I have got older I am less involved in my friends relationships. I have never met N - yet I understand as E has never really been secure and now it's not even a relationship. I feel for her accepting these crumbs when I know she wants more but convinces herself this is OK. I know R's partner A because I stay with them. But the time is really spent with R and admittedly when I first met him I was quite rude about him. I was so ashamed about that (in early days of recovery literally and no idea what honesty really meant). However I have got to know him and like him well enough. I don't always approve of the way he treats R and see alcohol plays a part sometimes but I guess as my friends are courting then I am also getting to know the person as a friend. It's interesting how it all works.
Of course with I I only have your version of him. And also only your version of you two together.
I hope you don't mind me reflecting these things. Of course with an email you can read what you like and throw the rest away..... :)
Nothing I am writing is meant to sound in any way critical.
You are my friend and I love you very much so what I wish for you is happiness and contentment.
I hear your sadness.
I have felt so sad when writing Step One - reading what a complicated, abusive, painful life of relationships I have had. Sadness for the lack of the relationship I would like actually can still crave with my dad. How that gap with him is unfinished business within me and somehow I think contributes to creating gaps in the way I relate with men. Perhaps the gap is closing or altering shape. The grief deserves some healing time I think and I need somewhat to do this clear of a relationship. The men have never been enough to fill the gap between me and my dad. I am filled with sadness recently about this rather than rage and anger.
In the theory of grief this might mean that I am closer to acceptance - denial (decades of that - mainly thinking I was the problem and using) - anger ( decades of this too - inappropriate mostly but changing more recently to recognising the resentments and having spoken with him feel this was a release of some of the rage) - Bargaining ( oh my gosh - manipulation, changing personality, trying to be who I thought he wanted when that didn't work being everything he thought I was, coming between my mum and him, siding with him - all sorts of ways of bargaining) - Sadness (I have been sad throughout all these decades but the sadness has always felt so painful I think I turned it into anger and using to avoid the pain and if the pain was bad enough I would have to let it out but it came out in tears and desperation which my dad just rejected even more. I even cry as I write this. I closed the sadness down and now it's all coming out. I cry for my life time without my dads love for me being me and now as life comes towards an end I am just stricken with this sadness of a gap wider than the universe itself - it's such a pity, Especially as I have seem he relating with other people and craving that from him so much but all of the time not just in the glimpses of relating he has done. He has never been able to sustain closeness with anyone. I feel sad for him too but maybe that is misplaced, perhaps he is perfectly happy - I have no idea) - and coming towards acceptance (I have moments of acceptance which is big big progress. I am not sure I will get there as a destination but the moments of it bring me also moments of serenity)
So A this was a lot of blurb but very therapeutic for me. And all inspired from reading about how you are facing things on a daily basis. It is so much easier to be an observer from the outside - so I admire the way you can do this when you are sharing with friends. I just stopped doing that when with JH and never did it at all when with SH. And before that I was truly as mad as a hatter - drink drugs etc.
I think you are courageous and gracious in facing your relationship on a daily basis.
Interesting that I has discovered his boundaries regarding criticism. I am sure we talked the other day about you seeing how far you could push him. And ew yuch I know how I cringe when receiving feedback about how my behaviour affects someone else. I am always glad in hindsight but at the time I loathe it. Thankfully I am less likely to justify and dodge. I try to receive the feedback. Ha ha I have to almost dig myself into a trench just to stand still and try not to show any emotional reaction so that the person does not know that I am hurting and ashamed. Who me? Faulty? And yet I spend so much of my time feeling faulty and not enough. It's so complex huh!
Just a wonder on my part ..... do you think with I reacting rather than not dealing with this is a sign to you that he values the relationship? I just think I saw this in myself - there is a commitment sort of thing to work through something that is a challenge for him and he hasn't ignored it and walked away. I write this as someone saying that they want to be with me and are committed (as much as anyone can be) isn't enough. But someone who wants to work in togetherness i.e. not trying to change me but saying what is or isn't working for them and how I affect them is a sign of good friendship.
I remember the first few times this happened with E and it helped me realise that the friendship was strong. We weren't going to just gradually phase out, we could talk and hug and love each other even when there were difficulties and found ways to compromise with our differences. For me it seemed to be a security.
Regarding E at the moment it's me who ha actually separated myself. As I feel a anger with her at work, I perceive an attitude that I don't like. There is a grandiosity with a belief that she is level and friendly with everyone. I know she has a busy workload but I find a laziness outside of this zone. Wanting other people to do menail things that she thinks are not her responsibility. It feels demeaning actually. Simple things like getting a client to speak to her about funding. We can ask a client to speak to her but I do not feel that I am the one to always be chasing the clients on her behalf. We can all do that. And I get to a stage where I just withdraw and moan about her rather than challenge this. I know I am fearful of her temper. When she withdraws she withdraw with a cutting edge in her attitude. ON the other hand I have experienced E very differently when we have spoken. I could say that I feel undermined the next time there is an issue of not wantng to do things. I haven't had any direct contact with her as I haven't done P's job for a while. But over this next 2 weeks whilst he's away there will be more contact. So when I feel surprised I need to say something.
It was interesting the other day hearing how unhappy she is with the company. There was something bonding about that. I haven't talked to her of my disappointment and disgust and the lack of employee care. All the good staff are leaving and I want to leave too. I am hoping that something will present itself. I do not want to be working within a unit that is full of rubbish. It is not good for my morale and also it matters when looking for another job to be part of something that has been a success and not to have been around during the doldrums. Know what I mean? Mind you it is my opinion only. I liked what it was and the team that were there. I just don't like this style and it doesn't suit me nor me it. So hopfully there is an availability somewhere that is more compatible.
Before this with friends it's never been like this. People have always just disappeared or rejected or gossipped or something that has felt like rejection and so I have never trusted and gradually didn't bother.
With SH I always felt in the wrong. He was always angry with me for my behaviours and blaming and so there was no way to talk an find balance.I had to change or else. And it got to the or else in the end. I also felt so threatened by the need to change that I became stubborn and even things I could see needed to change were things I fought against. I think this was related to the fact that I was blamed for everything and he didn't want to take responsibility for anything. When he made his amends recently he said sorry for the anger after we separated. I wonder if he has any thoughts about the period before or if he still blames. Interesting as I reflect on it as I would like to make amends for some inflexibility on my part whilst in the relationship. That was my insecurity becoming a blanket for the things I was responsible for. One of those is the confusion I had about time with SH and then time on the phone with friends.
More recently with friends I so know it's not about them, it's about me. I get angry at first but recently see more quickly that it's me and know that I will find a way of saying something about my feelings.
Well after this epic email - avoiding studying and tidying too - but also good to type out some emotions and thoughts about me. It was really relating to a lot you are saying.
I hope your weekend is relaxing amidst the ups and downs ....sending you lots of love
Oh I accepted 1 1/2 days extra leave for the 2 weeks standing up for P. Seems reasonable I suppose.
Bliss
XX
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