Reflections of the reflections

Oh my gosh I have so not prepared myself for the emotional overload I have today. Not that I think it is possible to prepare for emotions really.
I feel jealousy, I feel weird but I don;t know how to describe that more fully. I feel scared. I feel excited for JH. I feel very very sad. I feel confused. I feel annoyed. I feel a longing. I feel alone.

JH briefly Whatsapped this morning. So re-packing and then leaving. A rush of emotion sped through my entire body. Even as I write here again. I don;t even know what the emotion is. It's like an electric shock that runs right through me. I can see it rushing through me.
I feel indeed very very sorry and sad that I am not going. I was excited about the trip and being with JH just having fun. And as we have been spending time just sor tof getting along - the outside world not entering into things - I have this longing and wondering why it's been necessary for me to break up from JH.
Of course I had a taste again the other evening when I felt him withdrawn and how the events of the past raise my insecurity again. Gosh howthe reflections reflect.
So he was re-packing and then leaving - and DJ was taking him to the station. That is lovely. It truly is and I am aware JH feels the nerves of travel - time is so important. Getting the train just right and checking in and the fluster of the airport etc. But once that's over and just sitting waiting it's so mich easier. Well it is for me anyway. I remember sitting at Heathrow, my plane to Amsterdam delayed. I was in a hurry to get to JH. At the same time I was just sitting there watching the comings and goings of people. Its calming for me.

I am sad that I feel unable to be adventuring with JH. I would long ago have been at the airport.
God its so powerful this rush that keeps running through me. I should be there. I really should!
I can't explain how wrong this feels.

You know whats vry sad is that I wasn;t able to change my mind yet again because I feel so ill. I feel scared of this. It's dibilitating. I don't really want to go out at all. But I am having to put one foot in front of the other. My world would very easily be so tiny and compared to what I am used to my world is already so small. I feel trapped right at the moment. And it's also sad that because of circumstances I didn;t feel safe with JH. I had before felt very safe with him. I don;t mean in any way that he would hurt me physically. No no no. I know too that he is a very loving man and cares incredibly. But I see how he needs all his energy for himself.

Oh my gosh. I have just realised I have never ever in my life cancelled a trip. I did cancel the idea of going to peru with ML but it wasn;t like this an actual cancellation and right at this stage having booked etc. I feel I have let down JH so badly. I fel terrible about the waste of money. I feel terrible about nor sharing the experiences we could be sharing. I feel shit!!! ON many levles.
It feels very big and I don;t kow if writign about it is actually making it any better at all. I seem to be escalating it.

I am thinking of him being at the airport as I should be at the airport
I am thinking about how I would be on a plane and reading and thinking. The smells, the sounds, the people. And I am not doing all these things.
It stinks
I am sorry JH.

I feel such longing.
Included in this is the knowledge that I won't be having much contact with JH and he will not be just having his usual life but will be very busy oooohhhin and aaaaahhing with a wealth of newness to bretahe in. I will be even less on his mind.
This is weird to acknowledge to myself. And so frigging selfish I suspect.

Wow HP. ET called .................
perfect timimg and reality check.



JH's trip

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Adieu - damned hard

I hadn;t prepared for this evening to be quite as difficult as this. I verbalised from an intellectual perspective that it is difficult not going to the USA with JH. At that point I hadn't actually felt the feelings. Tonight I am. It's hurting throughout my body.
We have been conversing more and more this last week. And it's difficult to define what splitting up has actually been about. All the connectedness the way it was has returned. And with it the wondering about the honesty etc. The reality is though that we are not girlfriend/boyfriend (the girl boy bit does sound a little diriculous at age 50 and 53). And as a friend I have no rights anyway to be privy to what JH does or doesn't do. It's none of my business. As a girlfriend I am not sure what right I have but it has been my request that there is openness.
Anyway, JH is busy getting ready and busy spending time with his children and friends saying goodbye. I am deeply sad that I am not going. It's just as I was saying yesterday, that the end of a relationship isn't just about the relationship itself. It's the loss of many other things that go with it.
When I separated from SH it was not only the good times we had had that wouldn't be had again, but also the village, and the shape of some mutual friendships, and no one to share the memories of laughs and places and events with, the loss of the cottage, the loss of Sophie, the loss of telling others about mutual things together. These are just a few of the things that I had to also allow myself to grieve. I hadn't ever realised it was as complex.
In the past the relationship ended and I though I moved on. Of course I have many ways of suppressing the emotions.
Well now with JH. I feel deep love for him and yet for some reason I am unable to place that with him fully. I enjoy being with hm and have to adjust to not being able to have that. I wanted to travel with him over this next week and cannot. Universe this is so hard. Please can you offer me some help?
I will speak with him now.
Bliss
x