Each other

Bliss, do you realize that living the life of your dreams is not something you can do without me nor that I can do without you?

Awesome, and that the things I can do to make that happen, you cannot? While the things you can do, I cannot?

That's big. Especially the very last bit.

Do your things, Pamela.

Tallyho,
    The Universe

Accountability page

It feels a little strange writing this knowing someone I know might read it. It's always been fine that S read it in the past. Why is that different. She knows everything. I wrote it with knowledge that it's "out there" and yet it's also been a private place to download feelings and thoughts.

Anyhow I will put all concerns aside and continue to write ...

Pulling out of a tailspin yesterday was quite something. After a lifetime of crashing into despair and all the chaos that can bring, being safe and sound without having to depend on anyone but HP has been a very nice feeling. I would use words such as amazing and wonderful, words to really sound excitable by. But reality has been simply "ah I'm okay". And that seems right. It's as if that been there always and fits well. I think this is how it should be. I think this is what's been missing, the KNOWING.
Somehow I just didn't get shown how to console myself. And so feelings felt terrifying. Sometimes there was terror. My mum would even mock me for the ways I would sit in my bedroom and sob, watching myself in the mirror. She didn't know it was the way I detached from myself and gradually wouldn't hurt anymore. I do not blame or resent my mum and dad. They just did what they did to their best. My dad was "a bit fucked up!", that's all. And so now after all these years I've been learning how to take care of myself, not just cope but really to be able to assuage not suppress, comfort not detach. I really felt the presence of my HP as the tailspin quickly seemed to be out of control. I just saw the glimmer of God, a goldness amidst the dark and I reached out. And then there was no chaos, no outbreak of insane behaviours. Certainly a vulnerability but I was steady again.
Thank you God and with a beaming smile.

I am concerned that I've created a sense in others that I need looking after. Ironic really as it's what I spent a lifetime trying to find and of course constantly let down on because no one can and really it's not what I want. With it comes control and rebellion and dysfunction and eventual discord.
I am not precious and even though I have moments of true frailty, I am merely vulnerable and have a steady inner strength to draw from. It was an absolute realisation that I do NEED anyone but of course I need support. I don't know if the difference is made clear in the way I've put that but I know what I mean. It's just an all knowingness (I don't think that word actually exists but it's a sense thing) that actually everything is and will be okay. Gosh! My general sense of fear is lifting.
So much has altered in this past year. So much has altered in the past 2 and half years in FA. When I thought I worked a good programme FA has shown me there is still more to have and it's just better and better. Such gratitude within me is uplifting. Thank you God.

I have faltered on ACT in recent days. I have not put any action in. The block is putting together the content for the presentation on 25th Feb and with that slides. However, the logo is now done and ready. How flipping exciting.
My profile is uploaded onto the Counselling Directory and can be found in the Haslemere area. I am just awaiting confirmation of the room hire. JB has very kindly lent me some dough to pay for the insurance, the CRB check and start a mailing campaign. I need to make some liaisons with local GP surgeries and see if they would consider me for referrals. That needs time of which I have little. If I could secure this weekly evening talk that might prove fruitful, one never knows. Do I buy a projector with the money I've been lent? Or do I wait and see? Small problem really but a concern nonetheless.
In a way I should have kept a record of how things have unfolded. Along the way so many people have been a party to this becoming what it is.
I had been thinking more about the possibility when I had my Sunday night stay at Champney's with S of FA. And then meeting with L and chatting through some of the techniques I use in a therapy session, she was thrilled and enthralled and encouraged me to think about what I'd need to do to get this underway. All along there is a feeling of guilt about PD. Still though I talked about the idea with AK on our lovely day walking and taking photos. She also was enthralled about the way that I conduct my therapy. I think I do as good a job as I can with the tools that I have. I want to keep learning and improving as a therapist. I want only ever to do the very best for my clients. I was having moans about PD though and the way he is practising at present. I was using this as the reason to start up but really that's bullshit. It contributes to having the energy and enthusiasm, but it's not THE reason.

 

So having felt encouraged by L and AK. So I enquired with S of FA about the contact she has at Champney's and in a moment of utter madness, I sent an email. He replied with enthusiasm about weekly presentation on the subject of food and exercise addiction. And then decided to invite me to make the presentation to him and some colleagues to see if it's suitable for their product. We negotiated an hourly rate and so a date was fixed. 25th Feb. Bloody hell the business existed. No name, no anything. In the meantime I had met DW on PoF. I had a discussion with him about this idea and he enthused more, encouraging me and offering to hep with a website and promotion etc. And so here I am with a name and logo all thanks to CT, brilliant artist. ACT Addiction Counselling and Therapy exists. MW had mentioned an emerald and flawed emeralds being the best. Emerald is my birthstone and suddenly resonated deeply with a connection to my mum. She gave me an emerald ring once. I have it but have never worn it. It has a flawed emerald in it. But the name just didn't sound right. But when Christine and I started working on the name and logo we both liked the idea of an art deco style, the name seemed to come with me fluffing around with words and then suddenly there is was "ACT" and the emerald is incorporated in style into the logo. It remains important even though a couple of people have said they don't like that bit.
And here we are. A bit stuck now!
Oh and then JB offered to lend me the money as I start to really have to put down some costs. Pay CT for her work despite her not wanting any money. She has none so I'm glad to find a way to contribute a little towards her big trip, even though it's a meagre amount. I need to purchase insurance although I've thought why bother when I don't have any clients. At least it's not urgent right at this moment. And I also need to get a CRB check underway. I don't know if I need to register the company or not?? And I need to ask some guidance from an accountant. Not followed through with that yet.
BUT I am a tad stuck. With a heap of study backlog to catch up on and a big essay to start ready for hand in next Tuesday.
From hereon it will be head down and back to using Cow Parsley and Honesty as a half hour to feel and then get back to it.
Which is what I'm going to do now.

Oh and I need a business plan by 7th march to enter the OU competition with cash prizes for new businesses. I need a USP beyond just addiction. I think that is the group work and workshops I want to incorporate into ACT.

Right back to it

Bliss
xx
 

Dedicated to all the unknown victims, known and unknown

There are times when I think I have to be truly insane. Things just don't make sense.
Spending 461 years in Spring Creek Correctional Centre, Robert Hansen abducted and killed a lot of women. The bodies of 11 were only ever found.
One of his abductees told her story contributing to the film The Frozen Ground. I've just watched it. It coincides with having been "courting" in modern day ways, i.e. Skype with DW. He's a very nice man. I find myself just not believing that to be true but so wanting it to be. Amongst many films this was one he downloaded for me, completely innocent of my past. Not that I have been abducted but I've been to dark corners, corners I would not wish for anyone. In this film Cindy says to the cop and I paraphrase "all my life since I was young, I really wanted a chance to believe someone . When they say everything's going to be okay, they're actually telling the truth. It's okay to ask isn't it?"
As these words were creeping in, they landed somewhere profound. I found myself crying and crying, repeating over and over "it's not him, it's not him." I meant by this that I cannot expect it to be DW. It wasn't GS. He couldn't be believable. It can't be anyone. I think somehow I am believing MW is believable. It's not that he says it will be okay in any way I'd like it to be. It never can you see. Things have happened. That never ever can be changed. My mum said everything would be okay in the morning. Always she said to think about the flowers growing. I used to see flowers on a grave. I never told her.
I feel panic subsiding as I'm writing this. I am so relieved to have God now in my life because even in those moments of panic setting in I could just hear God. Only just but I could hear God nonetheless. I do have God whom I can believe that whatever happens everything will be okay. Even in death. I do not have to be in those terrifying places anymore but I am scared. I take the risk every time. It's always a risk, no assurances. I absolutely know that now. After all these years, searching, searching for that someone I could believe in.
Psychologically I have studied enough to know that psyche has been affected. Whether all or any of the theories are the truth or not, it's there, never to go away. I sense with my recent client there is something deep and sinister but I didn't want to believe it. I spoke with S from FA and she talked my language of this believing once but not believing now that these awful things happened. Feeling things in my body, slipping into trauma so easily. I am so relieved that SC helped to find ways to stabilise myself. This could easily have been a trip back into the red room.
Thank you God for always being there. I don't know what I believe but I believe it will all be okay even if that's death. I am not afraid of that. I guess I am not even afraid of being injured anymore. It's happened and so what?

How funny this is all squashed down now as I've received a text from a friend. This friend is the one whose sister was murdered when we were both 17 yrs of age. It still haunts me. My friend tends to have blanked things out and this works for her. I truly believe that these things sit in our psyche somewhere. But maybe I'm wrong and for some people they never have to take another look. Who knows?

My panic and hurt is gone with a simple text. Another person I cannot tell. I was writing this entry and wondering who I wanted to talk to, knowing I want someone to know how it feels. Really to find someone who can identify to see if how I feel is real. It's sad I need to find someone outside of me to know whether these feelings and reactions are real. So sad.

God, I pray for all the victims to find freedom in their souls.

Off to study

Bliss
xx