My relationship with money and the responsibility of financial management - not good!
Actually I would not have said that I was greedy and that that wasn't hindered. The opposite really. Money has always run through my fingers like water.
I have had a lot and then none and then a lot again and then none and so on. Or rather access to a lot and the potential to save or invest. I have owned properties and walked away from them. I have had THINGS, and left them. They have always seemed important at the time I wanted to buy them. Or if I was in a relationship and the other person thought they were important. Yet I always wanted to be able to leave with a bag. And have.
At the cost of leaving everything behind.
It is true to say that possessions and trappings as I call them are simply that - they are the trammelling. But perhaps my untrammelled greed relates to wanting to be light, without responsibility.
It's not a matter about being frivolous although I have been as well. It's a matter of it not mattering so much. What mattered most always was my freedom - no shackles. I could see that the way this society works is that money needs to be accumulated to eventually be able to buy ones freedom. But the cost in the meantime was too dear it seemed.
And of course I am paying for it now.
Rented social housing. Which if this Government has it's way will maybe change sometime in the future. Grrrrrr. And a job that just about covers costs. There is the potential to earn more of course. And actually now I am more able to as I don't want to be running around the world like I used to. Mmmmm interesting, that now I am in less of a hurry and more content standing still so can work more and am doing a job that might allow for that.
Well maybe it's all been suiting the person I am all along. I just have to accept that I am not in a position financially to have all the things I might want for now. It's harder as I don't earn like I used to. I would spend but there would always be more coming the next month. Now I barely spend and the next lot is there to pay the bills.
I d get scared these days about money. Of course I never used to. I took it for granted I suppose. And of course my mum was always a fallback. Not for money but for a base. I was never homeless all the time my mum was alive. Now there is only where I am and that's scary.
I am responsible for me. My mum was my enabler in that sense.
The odd thing is that as much as I fear financial insecurity I also have some faith that everything will be OK. I don;t have grand wants or needs so that helps. But I do need the basic roof over my head and a bed so that can raise my fear.
Then I see someone like JB. Gosh his relationship with money is ugly to me. He is mean in my opinion. He makes money but he won;t spend it. On the other hand if anyone needed a loan he would happily lend but with the normal rate of interest and so on. He will always make money because he rarely spends any and never ever gives anything away for nothing. However he has asked me to be Executor to his will and said he will leave me a little something. That's remarkable and I am honoured.
ML is very secretive about money. I have never been allowed to know how much or little she has. It;s her business of course but it is very sort of closeted. She was very helpful when I needed a bridging loan of 2 months. She was very anxious I think lending me the money thinking that she would not see it back. I don;t know that for sure but I really felt her willingness to help but then her reluctance on something as well. I was able to repay her much sooner than she expected.
Uhm who else? ET just wants money. She wants to be rich and spends like she is. She over spends. And AM too. They are both incredible spenders. Anyone would think they are rich to see the way they love but I know they get into very difficult financial situations - frighteningly so. I know they worry but then spend to alleviate the worry.
I did over spend a couple of times and know how terrifying it was. My mum helped me which I paid back and then another time i turned to resourceful me and got myself clear of debt and beyond.
Yes an odd relationship with money.
I am not sure what JH's relationship with money is I will have to ask him. He seems relaxed about it. And certainly has been incredibly generous. I never thought for a minute that I would borrow money. He keeps trying to help allay my embarrassment ad difficulty by reminding me that he invited me. I am repeating it to try and remind myself that it is OK to accept the offer. An offer is the responsibility of someone else. I do not need to take on responsibility for their offer. I just have to decide whether to accept or decline.
And then arrange a pay back provision. For my own dignity.
I would never have the courage to ask for a loan like this.
I have had the courage to accept though. I this humbling or humiliating???
Bliss
XX
Actually I would not have said that I was greedy and that that wasn't hindered. The opposite really. Money has always run through my fingers like water.
I have had a lot and then none and then a lot again and then none and so on. Or rather access to a lot and the potential to save or invest. I have owned properties and walked away from them. I have had THINGS, and left them. They have always seemed important at the time I wanted to buy them. Or if I was in a relationship and the other person thought they were important. Yet I always wanted to be able to leave with a bag. And have.
At the cost of leaving everything behind.
It is true to say that possessions and trappings as I call them are simply that - they are the trammelling. But perhaps my untrammelled greed relates to wanting to be light, without responsibility.
It's not a matter about being frivolous although I have been as well. It's a matter of it not mattering so much. What mattered most always was my freedom - no shackles. I could see that the way this society works is that money needs to be accumulated to eventually be able to buy ones freedom. But the cost in the meantime was too dear it seemed.
And of course I am paying for it now.
Rented social housing. Which if this Government has it's way will maybe change sometime in the future. Grrrrrr. And a job that just about covers costs. There is the potential to earn more of course. And actually now I am more able to as I don't want to be running around the world like I used to. Mmmmm interesting, that now I am in less of a hurry and more content standing still so can work more and am doing a job that might allow for that.
Well maybe it's all been suiting the person I am all along. I just have to accept that I am not in a position financially to have all the things I might want for now. It's harder as I don't earn like I used to. I would spend but there would always be more coming the next month. Now I barely spend and the next lot is there to pay the bills.
I d get scared these days about money. Of course I never used to. I took it for granted I suppose. And of course my mum was always a fallback. Not for money but for a base. I was never homeless all the time my mum was alive. Now there is only where I am and that's scary.
I am responsible for me. My mum was my enabler in that sense.
The odd thing is that as much as I fear financial insecurity I also have some faith that everything will be OK. I don;t have grand wants or needs so that helps. But I do need the basic roof over my head and a bed so that can raise my fear.
Then I see someone like JB. Gosh his relationship with money is ugly to me. He is mean in my opinion. He makes money but he won;t spend it. On the other hand if anyone needed a loan he would happily lend but with the normal rate of interest and so on. He will always make money because he rarely spends any and never ever gives anything away for nothing. However he has asked me to be Executor to his will and said he will leave me a little something. That's remarkable and I am honoured.
ML is very secretive about money. I have never been allowed to know how much or little she has. It;s her business of course but it is very sort of closeted. She was very helpful when I needed a bridging loan of 2 months. She was very anxious I think lending me the money thinking that she would not see it back. I don;t know that for sure but I really felt her willingness to help but then her reluctance on something as well. I was able to repay her much sooner than she expected.
Uhm who else? ET just wants money. She wants to be rich and spends like she is. She over spends. And AM too. They are both incredible spenders. Anyone would think they are rich to see the way they love but I know they get into very difficult financial situations - frighteningly so. I know they worry but then spend to alleviate the worry.
I did over spend a couple of times and know how terrifying it was. My mum helped me which I paid back and then another time i turned to resourceful me and got myself clear of debt and beyond.
Yes an odd relationship with money.
I am not sure what JH's relationship with money is I will have to ask him. He seems relaxed about it. And certainly has been incredibly generous. I never thought for a minute that I would borrow money. He keeps trying to help allay my embarrassment ad difficulty by reminding me that he invited me. I am repeating it to try and remind myself that it is OK to accept the offer. An offer is the responsibility of someone else. I do not need to take on responsibility for their offer. I just have to decide whether to accept or decline.
And then arrange a pay back provision. For my own dignity.
I would never have the courage to ask for a loan like this.
I have had the courage to accept though. I this humbling or humiliating???
Bliss
XX
