Hooray! L is on annual leave for 2 weeks. The office is so different already. We are getting the work done and with ease. I can feel my control slipping in here and there. I feel taken advantage of sometimes when S wants time off. Somehow I don't always trust her in this but that's probably me wanting something other people have. That happens. This is jealousy. They can't have it if I can't have it ind of thinking. Ugly. I'm aware of it and was able to graciously bless her need. I can manage and do that as a nice thing to do for her.
Gawd! What a phone call I've just received from my dad. His wife is in a coma in intensive care he informed me. He sound all very practical. I've heard that voice before. I hate it that he has feelings for T.
I am very concerned about my dad. Hitting his head apparently and him getting the NSPCA and NHS confused. or was he playing mind games? I think he thinks he's suggested meeting up or that I will suggest we meet up and by claiming medical things it gives him the excuse not to meet. It would hurt but I'd rather he be honest. Then of course I have the ammunition to be in self pity too. Ugly! This way though I get scared and worry or distrust. It's confusing.
When my dad was telling me about T the evil side of me was disappointed to know that the prognosis is good and that she will recover. I really hate that I think this way at all. It's nasty. God please bring T comfort and good health. Please help me to really mean this. Another thought is inheritance, a gleeful glint in my eye. Yuch! How I hate the financial insecurity in me and the way it manifests into greed and meanness. Please God can you help me to be acceptant of my situation or guide me how to change the situation. But mostly please remove the horrible defects of greed and avarice.
Why do I feel and think this way? Anger? Hurt? Grief?
I've now shared it a little, owning my feelings and thoughts. I feel ashamed of them. It's horrible.
How on earth can I express my disappointment about not knowing about my Uncle B's death or being able to attend the funeral? It just seems the wrong timing. I can be selfless in this way and I've shared my anger about it with my sponsor and others. I can take the action of sending a card to my cousins and offer my number if they'd lie to call at some point. I must get three cards and phone N for their address.
It would be bad timing and selfish and bad taste to express my needs right now.
What else? Dissatisfaction with where I live and what I am doing in my life. It somehow seems devoid of what I want and yet I don't know what I want. So God, please guide me as to what action I need to take. I have a real sense that it is to stand still right now. Focus on studying for my degree. Get my accreditation done. Nope it's still not touched. What the hell am I doing?
I want it all.
I feel that I would like to be doing something creative like my friends. Somehow it has a real pull for me. But I often want to be doing things others are doing and creating dissatisfaction with what I have and am doing. The grass is always greener as my mum would say.
Oh and grr at me - two speed cameras catching in a 30 mph zone doing 36mph and today over 40mph. I only just sent the forms for the last one off today. I am so frustrated with myself as this is money I cannot afford not to mention the points on my licence and then next year the impact this has on my car insurance. Noises of frustration reverberating around my head - a sort of groan grunt!!
But this evening I've had a number of calls from FA people. I've expressed different things whilst chatting to them. It doesn't take any of it away. Fear, sadness, confusion, insecurity, anger, annoyance, resentment, impatience, frustration. The tiredness and self hatred to boot. Phew a Molotov cocktail. Is that ow Molotov is spelt? I have no idea. And I realise my hearing of sounds is diabolical and apparently this is a common trait of dyslexia. But to be honest within my psychology studies there are many diagnoses that list symptoms which could cut across many other diagnoses. So there is nothing finite about most illnesses and diseases. Having acknowledged that I have mental illness there would be likely to be many other symptoms that could belong to this label or that label. The fact is that I cannot hear sounds too well. And therefore the solution is to find ways as T did with the pronunciation of her name .. O = or. Fascinating phonics.
I told T about the D situation on Saturday and other T too. I sent a text to M about my dad. I told T and T about work oh and V too. I have not said that I have gone from feeling right-sized to feeling fat all within an hour. I feel swollen up. But I am slim, I know that.
Oh and I talked to T about my sorrow when thinking about losing LouLou. Seeing her getting older is so distressing. I wonder how distressed by ageing she is. She's looking worn in her eyes. She's only 13. I cannot bear the thought of her not being here anymore even though she doesn't really sit with me anymore. She really is at home and close to G. A was trying to defend against that. I'm not sure why i.e. whether it is to protect my feelings or to avoid ending up with LouLou more permanently. I would not wish to ever do that.
What a beautifully sunny and hot day. They say here this evening as we made the final shift from day into night was deep blue. A sparkling waxing moon. Oddly it is waxing and yet I could have sworn it was presenting from a waning moon side. Now that's weird. I'll miss it tomorrow as I'm working Aftercare and I get home well after 10pm. I will try to be out of the door swiftly.
Oh confidence boosters - an ex client ha called asking for a couple of 1:1's. And a current client leaving today rushed over to get a hug from me. I didn't even get to stand up fully before she was clamped around me. Apparently I said some things she really took on board. It's so useful and helpful to my self confidence which is low.
And not to mention the opportunity to earn some extra money when I will certainly need it to pay speeding fines. Ugh!!!
I think that's all. JB is producing his music. It's a project and really encouraging to hear him so enthusiastic. Worrying too that he will crash and burn if he doesn't get the balance right. He's continuing with some of the voluntary work. I admire him for finally getting going.
Right it really is way past my hour of bed time. Sleep well and until the next time
AU REVOIR
Bliss
XX
Gawd! What a phone call I've just received from my dad. His wife is in a coma in intensive care he informed me. He sound all very practical. I've heard that voice before. I hate it that he has feelings for T.
I am very concerned about my dad. Hitting his head apparently and him getting the NSPCA and NHS confused. or was he playing mind games? I think he thinks he's suggested meeting up or that I will suggest we meet up and by claiming medical things it gives him the excuse not to meet. It would hurt but I'd rather he be honest. Then of course I have the ammunition to be in self pity too. Ugly! This way though I get scared and worry or distrust. It's confusing.
When my dad was telling me about T the evil side of me was disappointed to know that the prognosis is good and that she will recover. I really hate that I think this way at all. It's nasty. God please bring T comfort and good health. Please help me to really mean this. Another thought is inheritance, a gleeful glint in my eye. Yuch! How I hate the financial insecurity in me and the way it manifests into greed and meanness. Please God can you help me to be acceptant of my situation or guide me how to change the situation. But mostly please remove the horrible defects of greed and avarice.
Why do I feel and think this way? Anger? Hurt? Grief?
I've now shared it a little, owning my feelings and thoughts. I feel ashamed of them. It's horrible.
How on earth can I express my disappointment about not knowing about my Uncle B's death or being able to attend the funeral? It just seems the wrong timing. I can be selfless in this way and I've shared my anger about it with my sponsor and others. I can take the action of sending a card to my cousins and offer my number if they'd lie to call at some point. I must get three cards and phone N for their address.
It would be bad timing and selfish and bad taste to express my needs right now.
What else? Dissatisfaction with where I live and what I am doing in my life. It somehow seems devoid of what I want and yet I don't know what I want. So God, please guide me as to what action I need to take. I have a real sense that it is to stand still right now. Focus on studying for my degree. Get my accreditation done. Nope it's still not touched. What the hell am I doing?
I want it all.
I feel that I would like to be doing something creative like my friends. Somehow it has a real pull for me. But I often want to be doing things others are doing and creating dissatisfaction with what I have and am doing. The grass is always greener as my mum would say.
Oh and grr at me - two speed cameras catching in a 30 mph zone doing 36mph and today over 40mph. I only just sent the forms for the last one off today. I am so frustrated with myself as this is money I cannot afford not to mention the points on my licence and then next year the impact this has on my car insurance. Noises of frustration reverberating around my head - a sort of groan grunt!!
But this evening I've had a number of calls from FA people. I've expressed different things whilst chatting to them. It doesn't take any of it away. Fear, sadness, confusion, insecurity, anger, annoyance, resentment, impatience, frustration. The tiredness and self hatred to boot. Phew a Molotov cocktail. Is that ow Molotov is spelt? I have no idea. And I realise my hearing of sounds is diabolical and apparently this is a common trait of dyslexia. But to be honest within my psychology studies there are many diagnoses that list symptoms which could cut across many other diagnoses. So there is nothing finite about most illnesses and diseases. Having acknowledged that I have mental illness there would be likely to be many other symptoms that could belong to this label or that label. The fact is that I cannot hear sounds too well. And therefore the solution is to find ways as T did with the pronunciation of her name .. O = or. Fascinating phonics.
I told T about the D situation on Saturday and other T too. I sent a text to M about my dad. I told T and T about work oh and V too. I have not said that I have gone from feeling right-sized to feeling fat all within an hour. I feel swollen up. But I am slim, I know that.
Oh and I talked to T about my sorrow when thinking about losing LouLou. Seeing her getting older is so distressing. I wonder how distressed by ageing she is. She's looking worn in her eyes. She's only 13. I cannot bear the thought of her not being here anymore even though she doesn't really sit with me anymore. She really is at home and close to G. A was trying to defend against that. I'm not sure why i.e. whether it is to protect my feelings or to avoid ending up with LouLou more permanently. I would not wish to ever do that.
What a beautifully sunny and hot day. They say here this evening as we made the final shift from day into night was deep blue. A sparkling waxing moon. Oddly it is waxing and yet I could have sworn it was presenting from a waning moon side. Now that's weird. I'll miss it tomorrow as I'm working Aftercare and I get home well after 10pm. I will try to be out of the door swiftly.
Oh confidence boosters - an ex client ha called asking for a couple of 1:1's. And a current client leaving today rushed over to get a hug from me. I didn't even get to stand up fully before she was clamped around me. Apparently I said some things she really took on board. It's so useful and helpful to my self confidence which is low.
And not to mention the opportunity to earn some extra money when I will certainly need it to pay speeding fines. Ugh!!!
I think that's all. JB is producing his music. It's a project and really encouraging to hear him so enthusiastic. Worrying too that he will crash and burn if he doesn't get the balance right. He's continuing with some of the voluntary work. I admire him for finally getting going.
Right it really is way past my hour of bed time. Sleep well and until the next time
AU REVOIR
Bliss
XX
