This is such a beautiful song......
I know someone who knows Nick Cave very well. He is the godfather to my associates daughter. But they aren't really in contact so often these days and so there is no easy way to introduce me to him. But then I laughed as I would make all this fuss to meet him to say what?????? What is the big deal of getting to meet someone I admire for his music and poetry and films. He is a creator that has gripped me from deep inside. I would stand there like a limone wanting desperately to say something inspiring and unique. Ha ha ha ha. The image of it makes me laugh!
The Ship Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKlaV-9Vzsk&feature=related
I would like to be loved the way he writes about love ...
Or maybe I would love to be loved the way I think and feel about love. I just don't seem to have met someone on the same wave length. Have I?
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
I don't believe in an interventionist god
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Oh, not to touch a hair on your head
Leave you as you are
If he felt he had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms
And I don't believe in the existence of angels
Looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
Ask them to watch over you
Oh, to each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms
But I believe in love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
Make her journey bright and pure
That she'll keep returning
Always and evermore
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG0-cncMpt8
ON the other hand this is so sad. Jealousy is how I understand it. I am always loathe to state what I interpret into a song in case I am so wrong and I never find out what other people understand from the meaning. We used to do that as teenagers, sit sharing songs and saying what we like about it or get from it. No one really does this anymore so it was fun sharing tracks with JH and really investing the time into that. I assume it was genuine on his part. I like learning from other people's interpretations ...
Get down, get down, little Henry Lee
And stay all night with me
You won't find a girl in this damn world
That will compare with me
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee
I can't get down and I won't get down
And stay all night with thee
For the girl I have in that merry green land
I love far better than thee
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee
She leaned herself against a fence
Just for a kiss or two
And with a little pen-knife held in her hand
She plugged him through and through
And the wind did roar and the wind did moan
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee
Come take him by his lily-white hands
Come take him by his feet
And throw him in this deep deep well
Which is more than one hundred feet
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee
Lie there, lie there, little Henry Lee
Till the flesh drops from your bones
For the girl you have in that merry green land
Can wait forever for you to come home
And the wind did howl and the wind did moan
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee
I was so thrilled when I learnt that Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds were on at Latitudes. I dragged ML right to the front and breathed his energy in. Mad man. It made me smile when ML turned round at the end and said she had never experienced anything like it before. I know what she means!!
I think he is unique. I read that he was inspired hugely by Anita Lane and listening to her there is an influence for sure.
Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.
And Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe you'll trust him
For he's touched your perfect body with his mind.
Now Suzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers
From Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey
On our lady of the harbour
And she shows you where to look
Among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed
There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwIZdh6MqIo&NR=1
Now he he is not a "real looker". And it once again reminds me that it's not about looks that makes someone sexy. I am attracted to the person who has the soul that creates what he creates. If I saw him I am sure I would think he was some kooky freak actually. I am so judgemental from looks. It disappoints me about me. But I suppose I am aware and so double check before actually acting on my judgement these days. I find Nick Cave very sexy indeed. His strange contorted dance movements are compelling. He he he I have a crush don't you think? Typical me to have a crush on a man who is a bit way out there. Mind you my friends seem to be getting to like him. And that's a funny thing because as much as I like it, I also am a little possessive. As if the admiration is all mine (and all the other millions). I like that I have introduced them to something they hadn't before heard and that it's a little off centre stuff. But then I don't want him to become mainstream within even my friends because then I am no longer alone in my off centreness and slightly different from my friends. This is ego stuff huh??
So I will enjoy that my friends are enjoying.
I do smile at myself for all these weird quirks I have going on as a narration. Constant chatter about this and thatter.
I am in the most peculiar phase and it's been with me some time now. Mainly life seems very bleak. I see how I have spent my life being ready to leave, move on. I very much see that with the places I have lived. I move in and am ready to move out. I think my dad was the same. I can recall him not liking anywhere we lived and be in a state of looking for the next place. Have I learnt that from him? What is that attitude. Nowhere is home. And yet on the positive side of that everywhere is home. I make a claim on nowhere and can be anywhere. Although there was that period of time when I felt incredibly insecure. It was when I returned from Spain and I didn't have anywhere permanent. It's so odd how I want something to be settled and solid and yet when I have it I can feel trapped by it and want to shake off the shackles.
What is this? Is this the bi-polar thinking?
You see I keep feeling so dark and deathly but then have equal glimpses of simplicity and serenity. I see the wonder and awe of the Universe just as it is with all it's its dysfunction as I look at some of the destruction on this planet by supposed intelligent human beings. But then I look at my specific part and think I just want to put an end to it. I don't want anything else particular except to be skinny perhaps. But even when I have been skinny it doesn't make anything any better. I can never be skinny enough and when skinny I don't feel sexy - blah blah blah. And now I am too old to be sexy. Oh you see I am truly discontented and so might as well end it.
I expect people would say this is depression. It probably is. I am trying to just function. Work is OK, a sort of distraction. It was even fun yesterday just Peter and I. I often think he doesn't have fun with me like he used to with IC and how he laughs with SH. But yesterday we had just a nice day together. Well I thought it was nice, we just got a long. He was so complimentary about my therapy style as well. It felt genuine too. Not the usual positive and encouraging type compliment.
I went to the meeting last evening and felt the serenity in the meeting. I felt the joys of life there. I do every time. It's upbeat and positive. I I sat looking at the different people there wondering if they just did get sober and life got better. It has not been that way for me. D keeps suggesting I call her, which I will today. She has invited me to visit her for a coffee which I would love to do. I know she has a "cure" attitude. Well she is a GP. I want her to be mummy somehow but I can see she is not a mummy sort.
I have encountered her on and off for years and then blow me over with coincidence, she is also a friend of a friend not in recovery. I like that the web of connections. Six degrees of separation again.
Daleks and diodes you may ask. Well JB is now creating using Action Men and Daleks. But his dalek diodes aren't working. Honestly I do listen to his conversations. Somehow I don't really engage with them. He goes on and on and on. He cares so much for other people but there is something about the way he is that just keeps people, well me, at an arms length. He takes over. Actually I don't listen to everything he says at all. I just have the phone to my ear. He is funny though. And very special for some reason to me.
Dinner with AM and ML this week. AM's house is lovely. A lovely feel to it. I could live there easily. Thing is I want it but if I got it would I feel at home enough to want to stay. I want someone else's permanence to hitch onto. Yes that's it. My mum's home was the terra firm for me and I could adventure out anywhere knowing that was there. A little like the theory of Marcia and and Erickson. The adolescent stages which is a time to go out adventuring and starting to really separate from the family of origin, experimenting more broadly with opinions and seeing how "me" fits into the bigger world. I am still wanting that somewhat. As I write it I cringe. But is it so wrong? No if I am aware of it and don't try to unconsciously impose my unconscious needs from that onto others. I wonder how many times I have actually been looking for a parent in a partner and getting the security of that to then go off and adventure and experiment being new secure me again. On my own I am incredibly insecure. And at this age I wonder if that's possible to change. It would not be possible surely to meet anyone who would manage me as me. As much as I think I am unlovable actually I simply haven't met anyone who was meeting me for me. As in the most recent relationship with JH. I have been thinking that I am bad, unlovable, rejected and so on. His wanting other women and not being able to be boundaried actually translated within me into me not being good enough or even enough and sooner or later he would be influenced away by someone that he found better. Me being just a passing phase. But there is also within that the fact that JH, despite saying he was in love with me and loved me as well as liking me, didn't love me the way I want to be loved. Different ideas of what this thing means. There was no compromise from him as much as there was a block for me.
Interesting.
I was going to write something else that occurred to me too but I have forgotten. Oh yes he didn't really love me for the way I am and couldn't seem to manage with me as me just as I couldn't with him and his women thingy. And probably an addiction to SL.
I need to get my head into my books and get on with my assignment. It's a lot of work and only 4 days to do it all in!! And tomorrow I want to go along to Art Natters. Will I? I hope to. And tonight I want to go to T's goodbye party. I don't want her to leave .....
I just read about a woman who acknowledged that she grieved the loss of her freedom before her child was born. She wasn't depressed or negative about her child at all. Quite the opposite but just acknowledging there were times when she grieved the freedom before parenthood. I love people's ability to be honest. Peeling back the layers. I am not sure what my honesty is at the moment and I am sure it's contributing to this dark mood that I am having.
Dark but with a bright light that twinkles. And that is true. I can be sitting and thinking or listening to someone when I see a twinkle, like a bright sparkle. It happens often throughout my day. I usually associate the sparkle with the person I listening to or looking at. It's more noticeable at those times although I am aware the sparkles occur at other times too. I see colours around things and people too. I remember the first time I truly noticed it. Well it was impossible not to notice.
I was at a therapists I had been recommended to see. I saw her a couple of times when I was still with SH. As I sat opposite her green moved across her face and arms. Not the usual sort of see-through veil that wraps around and twirls about people. This was solid green at times blocking out her face and arms. I think her name was Kirsty but that name seems too young for the age she was. Anyway it threw me. I thought something was wrong with my eyesight. I have had thorough eye check ups and a brain scan and there is nothing apparently wrong in my brain. The colours come and go or rather I notice them at times and maybe just don't at other times.
But the sparkles I see as a regular feature throughout my day. I did not see them about JP recently. I have a dark feeling from him. SH does too. Nice person but darkness looms. That might sound just too spooky for some people. I don't often get that sense from people but it does happen.
Nick Cave - As I sat sadly by her side
As I sat sadly by her side
At the window, through the glass
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past
Softly she spoke these words to me
And with brand new eyes, open wide
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side
She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, labourer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest
Earth and moon and sun and stars
Planets and comets with tails blazing
All are there forever falling
Falling lovely and amazing"
Then she smiled and turned to me
And waited for me to reply
Her hair was falling down her shoulders
As I sat sadly by her side
As I sat sadly by her side
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass
"That may be very well", I said
"But watch the one falling in the street
See him gesture to his neighbours
See him trampled beneath their feet
All outward motion connects to nothing
For each is concerned with their immediate need
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter
See the other one stumbling on who can not see"
With trembling hand I turned toward her
And pushed the hair out of her eyes
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side
Then she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers
And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"
At which she turned her head away
Great tears leaping from her eyes
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side
Now this song creates the picture of the gloom yet awe that I am feeling. The more I know the sadder I am about the human destruction. The path narrows and what I see is that there is less that is OK and good for me. The bigger Universe is incredible, amazing and a creative wonder. But the smaller detail is dark and devastating. What people do to other people, supposedly caring people too.
This is exactly what's going on within me. There is a polar swing that is just so enormous and I can not seem to bring the two together somehow.
Nick Cave is brilliant you see. He has put into words how I am feeling. Confused by life.
Going for a while
Bliss
XX
Before I go - what about this for love poetry? Nick Cave of course
"Babe, You Turn Me On"
Stay by me, stay by me
You are the one, my only true love
The butcher bird makes it's noise
And asks you to agree
With it's brutal nesting habits
And it's pointless savagery
Now, the nightingale sings to you
And raises up the ante
I put one hand on your round ripe heart
And the other down your panties
Everything is falling, dear
Everything is wrong
It's just history repeating itself
And babe, you turn me on
Like a light bulb
Like a song
You race naked through the wilderness
You torment the birds and the bees
You leapt into the abyss, but find
It only goes up to your knees
I move stealthily from tree to tree
I shadow you for hours
I make like I'm a little deer
Grazing on the flowers
Everything is collapsing, dear
All moral sense has gone
It's just history repeating itself
And babe, you turn me on
Like an idea
Like an Atom bomb
We stand awed inside a clearing
We do not make a sound
The crimson snow falls all about
Carpeting the ground
Everything is falling, dear
All rhyme and reason gone
It's just history repeating itself
And, babe, you turn me on
Like an idea
Like an Atom bomb
