Monday 17 October 2011

Shameless Quotes

Well that was about as useful as an echo in a coffin.

You're as useful as a chocolate f***ing fire guard.

Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone's got one and they all stink.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in getting what we want, that we forget to ask ourselves why we wanted it in the first place.

More Shameless poetry

Over the hills in a weird little land.
Live fairies and goblins with more than two hands.
Some gremlins they say, can come with four eyes.
The dragons can scorch with the simplest of sighs.
The scariest things to people like us,
cos nothing can touch them, they're allergic to fuss.
Until their mother appeared, started roaming their valley.
Hiding and pouncing from damp, dark alleys.
No noise, No chewing, No signs of a fight.
Devouring the children with a plate of French fries.
The bitch as she's called in the company of elves.
Brought this tormenting curse upon herself.
She'd been on a bender and staggered home pissed.
Found an eighth and some Rizlas and rolled out a spliff.
Got the munchies and reached for the handiest snack.
She hate her own kids and then spat them straight back.
"Forgive me, my beauties, what a dreadful mistake!"
The children can't hear her they've gone it's too late."

Debbie


 

Shameless Poem

Tickets this way to the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by Him upstairs!
And kids, they're convinced, I'm actually theirs...

What sounds on earth could EVER replace

kids needing money? Or wives in yer face...
'cause this, people reckon 
 and me included
 is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental!
These are Chatsworth estate's BASIC essentials!

We ARE worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You shit on our head, but, you pay the taxes!
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,

we'll cum on your face for the price of a beer...

Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!

Heh heh heh heh... scatter! Partay!

Flipping heck!

I feel pissed off with the P but I think it's more fear - financial insecurity.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have enough for today.

There is nothing that can be done about it - I do not feel certain about being able to go and earn easily.
Scared.

Yet feel OK too. It's so strange. I also feel a degree of faith that all will somehow be OK
A lot is about me adjusting to the reality of how things are rather than all I think I have lost.
I don't want to have to give things up but there are people a lot lot worse off than me.

I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Not my first thoughts.
Did think about stopping downloading to become more honest. But not willing - this is a cheap way of getting some entertainment as my world gets smaller or so it seems.
Adventures come in all shapes and sizes though I guess - life is an adventure.
I can remember years ago thinking that everything had to be a drama although I didn't use that word it was more about thinking it needed to be things happeneing to be an adventure. Intellectually I know differently. Just have to remind myself of that.

As we were talking something changed in you - we were talking and then you stopped.
I have an emotional reaction - not sure of the words t match what the emotion is. I think I feel scared - scared that there is a distance, lack of trust, something, I'm not sure what it is. Can you throw any light on it. Would try to verbalise this but then I get all tongue-tied and upset. So thought I'd write it and ask if it's just me being over-sensitive?

Something else I have feelings about .... I have not heard from JH. I feel sad about that. Yes I needed time to have some time to try and get a little recovery from the enormity of the hurt I felt.
I wonder why? But having sent an email that he has chosen not to reply to for whatever reason I think perhaps I should just leave it. Of course perhaps he didn't receive my last long email or maybe he had second thoughts about contact or maybe he is still ill and not wanting to reply or maybe something else ... who knows.
It was hopeful to be able to be friends. After all a lot of things were shared in a very short time. And he was saying that he was enjoying the email contact. Who knows.... the thing is I don't want to be hurt. I feel sad. Oh well. The wound isn't like before thank goodness. Hey maybe he's havng a go at being with his family and that would be fantastic.

Flipping people with flipping people - always a flipping adventure - flipping companies - flipping "reccession" - flipping heck!!

Bliss
XX

Sunday 16 October 2011

The Bothersom Man



A good film I thought. Andreas arrives in a nondescript, flat, gray dystopia. Perhaps this is where people go that have taken their own lives. Unemotional, unstimulated living. But he is not happy. He has a job and two beautiful girlfriends. Materially everything is available and easy to get. But it's all so unfulfilled. No ups and downs, no colour or spontaneity, nothing out of the ordinary! He can' even kill himself. It crossed my mind that this is how flipping boring it actually is - all the corporate compliance and staid polite conversations at contrived dinner parties - it's surely what any vibrant person would want to get away from - commit suicide. And then he discovers a hint of something different, emotive music, scents of living and he tries to get there. Is it the other side?
In this cellar where he discovers the music and smels, I loved the light bulb ceiling and very fine lamp shades on the standing lamps (not shown in this photo) I thought the cellar was truly stylish.


Back on the bus! The ending is vague. What do I make of the ending? Well it's bring white with the hint of it being cold and snowing, a gale. I guess having taken his life he cannot return to life. So is this place an even harder place to live? Or is this Heaven? Or is it purgatory? Or perhaps he has been returned. There would be no need to put him in the hold of the bus if he was going somewhere else. A strange ending is probably all that's possible with the strangeness of the dystopia anyway. Does anything need to be explained as we are already bound by our human limits of knowledge. There is no answer perhaps.



I am not sure I have seen a Norwegian made film before or perhaps I have an not acknowledge it as Norwegian. I gave this a 4.5 out of 5. It aroused my questioning mind

Bliss
xx

Friday 14 October 2011

Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino film
Before I tell about my impressions of the film I learnt from it of the existence of Leni Riefenstahl a film director of the 1930's and who made the Triumph of Will propaganda film of the 1934 Nazi conference in Nuremberg.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBfYncHshJc
Quite amazingly she was hailed as ground-breaking in the making and filming of documentaries. I suppose when I was looking at it, it's all to easy to take for granted the processes. The content was eerie really. All the pomp and ceremony with such adoration for Adolf Hitler. And what all the symbols pertain to now. Very strange in hindsight of course.
As for Reifenstahl I am not sure what other films she made. I learnt that she released a book of her photography in the 1970's. Apparently she was released after questioning with the downfall of Hitler. She knew him closely it seems. And evidently from the close proximity of her cameras.
Despite the horrors that ensued it is quite fascinating to see the footage. And the fever pitch that Hitler mustered amongst the thousands upon thousands of people there to hear him. He certainly whipped up a storm of horror. It can seem so vile on a scale that seems impossible and so far away. Never to be forgotten the ghastly and grotesque tragedy that Hitler manifested.
I saw the film Conspiracy which is fiction based on the Wannsee Conference - where decisions were taken apparently on the final solution to the Jewish question. Bloody hell! What happened to the bit of these people that was still human? What on earth happened? It's just inexplicable.


Something else interesting although I am not sure of the reference but the title is obviously misspelt and is this in acknowledgement of Inglorious Bastards - the Italian war film directed by Enzo Castellari. Reading the plot I see that a group of Americans are common but in completely different circumstances and that the French resistance were involved. Although in Tarantino's film they are spies not resistance I think.
What is the connection that Tarantino has made? Another little film buff ting he has slipped in - when the Inglourious Basterds get to the cinema in disguise as Italian film crew one of them has the name Antonio Margheriti, which is the name of an Italian director born in the 1930's. I think his films were sort of adventure and monster horror, like Frankenstein and King Kong types. Which is also funny as the card game in the cellar has the Nazi discovering his card says King Kong. There is also reference to Karl May, German author who wrote about Old America and his character Winnetou and Apache chief. I wonder if this in any reference to Aldo the Apache too who is the leader of the Inglourious Basterds. So many literary and artistic connections are made. The film within the film is interesting ad Goebels interest in the hero. I wonder if that's a reference to anything that actually happened. I wonder how many haven't been noticed or at least recorded publicly. I only know this stuff because I am reading as I go along. So much time on my hands and space in my mind being sick you see.

I like the centring around the cinema which reminds me of Cinema Paradiso - there is something romantic about these old cinemas that have mostly gone. Something stoic about the people's dramas within and around a building that draws people into it. I am not entirely sure why it's seems so uhm grand and stoic and splendid. But it does.

Brad Pitt and Diane Kruger must have met before on the set of Troy. She is beautiful.
I've noticed how unsettled I feel during the film that the Inglourious Basterds are beginning to lose. They were supposed to the saviours and indestructible in my minds eye. The incredible silent "hero" killer has been killed and their numbers are lower. They ave been exposed as well. They allowed themselves to be trapped. It's interesting how Tarantino has in a back handed way put this down to the English with the rendez-vous with a spy that they organised, resulting in the killings.
Enzo Castellari is in it, - where is he in the film? I didn't realise until afterwards that he was in it and without knowing what he looked like or knowing this in advance ... poop! I missed him.

A good plot, presented as a collection of chapters that are entirely connected rather than separate stories  gradually converging. Whilst the critic I read commented that Brad Pitt was pretty cardboard with his acting in this, I actually thought it was who was supposed to be. He didn't have the biggest part, just one of the parts played. He was a dry leader of a small troop of killers. What more was there to be in that. Hardened killers in the face of danger at every turn probably don't have too much character left. The whole troop were not full of character other than killer types. They felt like protective hero's to me especially Sgt Stiglitz. Cold, few words and tough! Interesting how those are always the most attractive to me - totally unavailable emotionally.

A point but I am not sure it has any real relevance - two very beautiful women who never ever come into contact with other. There is no reason why they should but ......

And when the tension starts up - I get really, really anxious. It's just a film for goodness sake. This happens more and more. And yet .... Oh I don't know is this age or have a I actually always been like this.
Well Blimey! What a possible ending of WW2.

The End

Bliss
xx

Shameless

I didn't ever see this. I think I got a couple of glimpses of Shameless but my first clip was of Frank (although I didn't know him at that point) and he seemed like a pissed loser. Well he is but the entire show - Series 1 and 2 and the Christmas Special have been great. The characters are wholseome. I have noticed that in the first series, everyone was pretty much involved with everything. Whereas in series 2 different characters are more involved in differetn espisodes. There are some people who do seem to disappear without further explanation. Overall, Shameless is horribly good. A impression of an underclass life on a estate somewhere near Manchester. I hate using the term underclass because actually there is a family unit, togetherness and support. They get by. Of course real hardship isn't obvious. It's inferred. Petty crime is the way of life. And covering up for each other. They do awful things and yet here I am championing them to be able to get away with it. I have to ask myself about that. Yet I empathise with the mess that they are representing. I have not lived this directly, however I have witnessed it closer than I ever imagined when I stayed on the estate in Poplar. Wow that was a frightening place. A's bike was nicked. The life never worked. It was dodgy and I am not or never was scaredy cat. I was very aware of everything around me. Anyway I didn;t experience the hardship. I was earning good money and there for the relationship. It was another odd situation really. A was living there with his cousin and her nurse friends. A great flat, on two levels - high rise block. I am not sure how his cousin had the tenancy but she di and I never asked but always wondered. Later she left the flat and moved into nurses residence. That was strange. Anyway back to Shameless. I suppose the characters are at times charicatures and yet in their exaggerated portrayal is a lot of realism too.
I am looking forward to series 3.











The love story between Steve and Fiona is really lovely. And it makes it ever so special as in real life Jame McAvoy and Anne-Marie Duffie are a couple and have been married since 2006. He has been quoted as saying he married the woman of his dreams. Certainly I find myself wanting them to celebrate their togetherness in the series and wasn't really feeling it between Fiona and Craig. That intensity is really there.

So whilst I am awaiting the arrival of Shameless 3 and 4 I will watch Atonement, which is I would say the big film for James. Although he was in The Last King of Scotland before that and actually he played a similar role of clever conman if I remember that correctly. I didn't rate the film overall.

Still very ill!! Hating it. Can feel a negativity in my thinking  the cabin fever feel that turns into what's the point. I do not want my mood to lower just because of a flipping flu. Life stinks. I can feel myself teetering on the cusp of thinking blackly and desperately holding onto all that is good and great in my world. It is what is it and to observer this right now seems a real challenge. This is what seems to happen to me. I don't like it. I guess nobody likes to feel ill or depressed. So Atonement - ha ha just to brighten the mood. Actually maybe I will watch Inglourious Basterds instead as it's meant to be comedy and will be a little lighter than Atonement, when I am feeling grief and loneliness.

Bye for now
Bliss
XX

Thursday 13 October 2011

Air ambulance

The tragic news related to the arrival of the air ambulance was revealed to me by V. The call was for a baby. The mother had the baby in bed with her and the baby suffocated apparently. According to V the baby did not survive. That poor woman. I keep trying to send comforting thoughts but they seem to get lost in the breeze.
I still feel really really unwell. Coughing now results in a nasty sandpaper effect in my throat, not to mention very nasty mucus. My nose is runny. I feel giddy when I am walking and my limbs all ache. Furthermore I am feeling hot and cold - a temperature. Still? I want this gone. But it's certainly not going in my time. I want it gone sooner - thank you. x

I feel worse it seems this morning. I have now desire to be writing. So I'm going to stop

Bliss
XX

Wednesday 12 October 2011

Sick Bed Films

Yep! Still ill!! It's hooooorrrrriiiiiblie. Lemsips and loads of comfort foods. My kindly neighbour got some paracetemol for me as I was running out. I have now moved on to the runny nose stage and a building catarrh taste which terrifies me as it seems familiar - bronchitis. I have not had bronchitis since I gave up smoking which I think was 2004 perhaps. I was still working at ANA so I really think it might have been 7 years ago - blimey! That fateful day when SH was wanting to give up. I had bronchitis which left me unable to get upstairs as I could not breathe an d was having to sleep sitting up. BUT still heading for the back door a dolly step at a time to light up a cigarette. So addicted! I was alarmed at myself and then I gave up a minute at a time. And I would hope that I will never pick one up again a day at a time. Moer so than alcohol or drugs - I never ever want to smoke cigarettes again. I suspect if I was drinking alcohol I would probably end up smoking.
So I ache. My ankles were aching this morning making it difficult to walk and I was giddy too. I keep getting hot then cold. Yuch! It's a full on whatever it is.

So I have written as per the little online OU writing course. That's been interesting and fun. I would love to receive feedback from people but M is busy and E is also emotionally busy. J gave me some good comments which is helpful and encouraging. I hope she writes somethign as she has such a wonderfully colourful imagination and way with words. She so under estimates herself.

Today I watched Four Lions and The Hangover. Both funny in parts.
The Hangover was surprisngly more entertaining than I thought it  would be. I did think of Martin Clunes film Staggered in which his stag night turns out to be a nightmare awakening when he discovers he is naked and in Scotland. The film is about his journey back to make the wedding. In this case 4 huys go off for a stag night in Las Vegas. Waking up to Armageddon they start to realise a catalogue of distructive events and they have lost the groom.

 






Cast
Bradley Cooper
Ed Helms
Zach Galifianakis
Justin Bartha
Heather Graham
Directors
Todd Phillips

Four Lions was an extraordinarlily brave non-PC film I thought. Tackling the subject of terrorism or in this case they think they are making a political statement in favour of the jihadists. It is funny and also sad. I laughed at the upside down clown and the squat jogs. Also the guys running about in costumes, especially the upside down clown. And firing at a p,ane incompetently so that it backfires and bombs a jihadist village - later announced as a accidentally killing Bin Laden.  Yes there were a nmber of funny moments. They are idiots basically but also there is friendship and idiocy. Crazy brave idea for a film.





Cast
Riz Ahmed
Kayvan Novak
Nigel Lindsay
Adeel Akhtar
Arsher Ali
Preeya Kalidas
Directors
Chris Morris


Bliss
XX

Character sources

A little writing exercise in developing my character. (If I ever have another dog I will call it Red - really exuberant dog - of Dfor - as in D for Dog but that is borrowed from someone else).
I would love feedback if anyone reads it - as a true novice it would be interesting to know what people thought - ie whether there is a character coming alive or it's all so totally flat.
And I'm not sure of what happens now Red exists - a story is evolving from developing her I can see that. She is fictional but there are traits and characteristics of everyone drawn from experiences.


Name? Age? Place of birth?

Residence? Occupation? Appearance? Dress? Strengths? Weakness?

Obsessions? Ambition? Work habits? Hobbies? Illness? Family? Parents?

Kids? Siblings? Friends? Pets? Politics? Tics? Diet? Drugs? Favorite kinds

of coffee, cigarettes, alcohol? Erotic history? Favorite books, movies,

music? Desires? Fears? Most traumatic event? Most wonderful

experience? The major struggle, past and present?

If you give quick, spontaneous answers, you might surprise yourself with

the character that emerges.



Red (Rather exuberant doll – given to her as a child by her mother) aka Laura

41 yrs

London – sort of Chelsea by default but from parents renting an attic room before they started making their fortune. Family business – always a little dubious but on the front her father was involved in property development. Mother worked for the airlines (often away on business trips)

Now – cottage in the middle of Surrey countryside

Occupation – drug dealer (undercover) Buys and sells books and other kitsch finds – stall in Camden and a bookshop in Farnham. Did work in the City for ABN Amro as the events organiser – negotiating with suppliers. Lots of contact with the traders.

Appearance – short dark curly hair – tousled style – pale skin but tans easily a mahogany colouring. Blue eyes.  Attractive and a natural sex appeal. People turn to look but not classically good looking.

Dress – smart, modern – own casual style – likes to wear red. Rarely wears make-up and never ever carries a handbag.

Strengths, - streetwise, self aware, caring,

Weaknesses – men. She is intrigued by complicated people and is attracted to men who are not clingy or interested in a run of the mill life. She likes men in positions of power, not for money necessarily but an attitude. Often they are married or unavailable in some way. As a result of being hurt once she has developed a hard shell and doesn’t let anyone get very close now.

Obsessions – fear of ageing and being alone.

Ambition – she’s not sure right now where she’s heading. She wants a baby and would like a loving relationship, however she gets bored easily. Mainly she is craving a baby.

Work habits – she can get into overworking and has done in the past. A high-flier career in the city led her into a sinister underworld and ultimately a breakdown. She is stuck in the drug dealing as she enjoys the financial benefits this brings but is also having to keep this all from the people she really cares about. Furthermore she is constantly paranoid of being watched and waiting for the day she gets caught. She is small fry but even so well known.

She loves the buying and selling of books and the book store just about breaks even. The Camden market stall actually makes money but is more of a fun thing to do every third Thursday. And she is anonymous although building a reputation for finding risky things.

Hobbies/interests – well she used to and still loves horse riding. She has a horse that she keeps in full livery but gets to spend time every Saturday with her horse LaGazelle. She has had LaGazelle from a foal and there is a strong bond between them. This is where she gets a sense of peace and freedom. She likes to travel

Illness – a breakdown at 38 yrs which is when she left the City environment – ended up in a private psychiatric hospital. Here she met one or two people that got her involved in dealing drugs and this escalated quickly into a thriving money maker. Initially it gave her a sense of adventure and drama in a world she had never entered before.

Family – there’s just her – only child. Parents family are there but she is ostracised as a black sheep unless someone wants to “borrow” some money. She obliges for the sake of her mother who champions family values.

Parents – father (Mike), self made property developer and seemingly involved in something that was rather beyond the law with his cousin (James). Mother (Kathleen) – a real snob, house-proud and socialite. Likes mixing with the “right” people. She is a go-between with Red and Mike as there is tension between them but Kathleen is generally interested in her work and connections and enjoys travelling on business especially with the 5 star treatment

Friends – Red is very popular – best friends are Ruth and Lori and Mark. Neither of them knows about the drug dealing for which Red feels terrible. She tells them everything except this.

Ruth is a vet, 41yrs also single and a really lovely gentle character, blonde, slim, very pretty. Has her own veterinary practice and is becoming well known. She has been approached by BBC to be involved in the making of a documentary but she is not interested. Lori wants her to become famous. Really nice men are very interested in Ruth but she is not interested in any of them.  Nusa Dua, Bali.

Lori is happily married to Philip. Long dark curly hair and lots of it, attractive and very sexy. She is a feisty lady. Adores Ruth Lori loves adventure and creating a storm of which Philip is very patient and tolerant. Lori loves Philip but does get herself into flirtatious scraps. As far as Red knows Lori has not ever become emotionally involved with anyone but there is always a drama. Lori is cabin crew with British Airways and is bipolar. She regularly messes up her medication with too much alcohol or simply not taking them. They have a little girl, Honor (10yrs), who is very much the adult with her mother. Red spends time with Honor, takes her to the stables and they play together. Lori and Red met when at school – convent school. It’s been a turbulent relationship at times – lots of Lori slamming doors and putting the phone down and Red is sometimes scared to say what she means with Lori but they always sort it out. Lori loves Ruth and Ruth is very patient with Lori but gets frustrated with her. Ruth confides her worries about Lori to Red

Mark – friends since they were 18. Red has always been slightly in love with Mark. He is also in love with Red but they are too like brother and sister. Both only children and both sets of parents would have loved the union between them. However, Mark is promiscuous with the women always running to Red when he has got himself a “bunny boiler”. Mark is a pilot and loves flying. He knows Lori both through Red and through their work – long haul. Mark also adores Ruth who equally is coyly flirtatious with Mark. Red warns Mark to keep away!

Pets – LaGazelle and Suzi-Wong her mixed breed dog. Had her since a puppy even though everyone was telling her not to get a dog. Suzi-Wong is now 12 yrs but sprightly and still goes on slower rides. When she was younger she would go along even if it was all day. Suzi-Wong stays with Ruth whilst Red is working or out and about. Ruth’s practice is also in the countryside not too far from Red’s cottage. So they see each other a lot.

Politics – Red is a little mixed up with this. She believes in the social welfare but also enjoys having nice things and gaining wealth and material luxuries. She is aware that she has a prejudice against what she calls run of the mill women who are married and just trundle along. Would like there to be more peace in the world. Not directly involved in anything but likes to debate on a basis of sentiment rather than knowledge. She feels intimidated by politically aware friends. She has a friend who is involved with the Labour party but can’t abide his public image yet loves him personally and his wife of course.

Diet – Red has to watch her weight, she exercises regularly – jogging and dog walking and horse-riding helps. She tends to put on weight easily (like her mother).

Drugs – yes went through a period of using cocaine heavily. But stopped. Has dabbled in one or two other drugs but never has really got involved. She is aware that Lori is using cocaine and at times e’s. She is worried that Lori might find out about her dealing in drugs.

Coffee, alcohol, cigarettes – drinks too much coffee – loves sitting mid morning in a coffee shop reading a paper or meeting some friends. Is known to be carrying a flask mug of coffee most of the time. Enjoys a glass of red wine. Has drunk excessively in the past but doesn’t like being out of control. Yes Red smoked but gave up 5 years ago. Would like Lori to give up. Lori’s younger sister drink excessively and is becoming more and more of a problem to the family. Lori smokes and Red tries to encourage her to give up.

Erotic history – Red has had a number of relationships. She met a man she seemed to fall in love with but who didn’t want to commit to her. Greg – Second Lieutenant in the army. They met whilst she was taking a break staying in Jersey. They were involved but he would not agree to a relationship. Handsome but not classically. Since then Red has never allowed herself to fall in love. She has had torrid affairs and two longer term relationships but she gets bored easily when they want to be more settled. She had a very brief encounter with a woman which was a result of a very drunken night out in London. She has never forgotten this woman – Esther from Jamaica. She met a very good looking man – Tom – who was a swinger and she had a little fun exploring this world for a short time. She had a affair with a married man when working in the City – one of the directors (Nick). She had strong feelings for him but kept them under wraps, Ruth knew.

A lot of the time Red keeps herself to herself although does confide a lot in Ruth and Lori knows what’s going on. She has got herself into some difficult situations at times with sexual partners. She has been promiscuous but doesn’t like this particularly about herself.

Favourite books: Red loves reading but is a slow reader. She takes advice of what to read from others. Lori studied English so she admires Lori’s knowledge and borrows books from her. She last read Ishiguru Never Let Me Go and really enjoyed it. She would like to read more but refuses to read what she considers to be trashy novels. She is trying to encourage Lori to write – Lori talks about it but never does it. She tends to watch the film of the book as a quick way of knowing the book ad rather than reading it but then is disappointed in herself.

Music: She listens to all sorts. Not pop though. She is beginning to enjoy classical and opera recently but also thinks this is due to the ageing process and laughs about it. She comments that she will never like gardening which she associates with being old. She has someone come and fix the garden up, Victor, a local villager recently retired. She suggests he do whatever he wants but not to involve her. She rarely visits the garden unless friends are visiting and they will have coffee in the garden. It’s at these times she thinks she could make it like another room.

She likes specifically –

 Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds because he is so unusual and tells tales in his songs.

David Bowie (Ruth likes him too)

And loads of other one offs.

Films – she is not a fan of Hollywood or trashy TV movies as she calls them. Red is more likely to watch Cannes festival winners and the more obscure films – some art house at times. Most recently she watch The White Ribbon and rated it highly. She tries to see at least two films per week if she has time in the evenings. She rarely goes to the cinema but went along with Ruth to see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy with Ruth’s mum Nancy. Afterwards they discussed the film –the pros and cons – Red loves this.

Desires – to be at ease with herself. Clear out the ghosts of the past, be peaceful, help others where she can, get out of drug dealing, be content with a simple life. Self development.

Fears – suffocation and she is claustrophobic – ever since seeing a horror film in which a woman was buried alive in a coffin. She has panic attacks thinking she can’t breathe but she doesn’t tell anyone about this.

 She is not keen on moths and daddy-long legs and can get quite demanding when any are fluttering around. She fears being lonely but also fears being stifled and not having freedom to come and go as she pleases. Fears the loss of her parents and always has since a little girl.

Most traumatic event – mother being taken seriously ill whilst away on business in Australia and not being able to get to her or get her back and there was a fear that Kathleen would not survive. Mike her father was away with another woman (as usual). Red was 13 and didn’t know what to do.

Most wonderful experience: when she was given her first pony – Patricia – grey but usually yellow as she rolled in the grass so much. Strong-willed. A great little jumper and they spent hours together.

The major struggle past and present – the relationship with her father Mike – a lot of hatred for him for being a womaniser and being quite open about it with Red. Red kept it secret to protect her mother.  Ongoing battle to have an ordinary family and yet being stifled by ordinary when she has it.

The battle in her to be a somebody but feeling better as just an anybody – wanting nice things but also wanting a simple persons life. Wanting to find love but seemingly closed to that since Greg. Not truly knowing a purpose.

 Bliss
XX

Twirling flu

How about, Bliss, next time you go to work, the mall, or a labyrinth, you glide, slide, and twirl a bit? Wink, smile, and wave? Dip, bend, and high-five? Strut, saunter, and beam?
Just a bit?
Teeny, tiny?  
    The Universe

When I feel well I do this from time to time. I have a flipping fluey cold. I ache and feel giddy. My head hurts, my nose is blocked, my throat is sore and my chest is tickly so I cough every so often, which hurts my sore throat. So in my mind I wink and twirl but physically I can even walk properly.
Every year about this time October or November I come down with something. I have noticed this over the past 5 years. And I wonder if a shift in hormones happens leaving more vulnerable to all the colds and flus that buzz around at this time of year.
It's a nuisance. Especially as the P Group do not pay sick leave. I hate the way this country is going. More and more companies are adopting this mean attitude. Lord Beveridge fought for rights for employees and this Government is allowing that all to change. We are reverting back to the 1930's is so many ways now. The great depression. I have huge feelings about this. I feel hard down by for sure and a mounting fear. But I feel powerless and with that comes hopelessness. The small people cannot combat with the super powers and those are the ones with the money - the employers. It is awful.
So many people are stuck in these horrible situations.
When I get accredited I am going to work harder at setting up a private practice. Yes that will mean if I don't work I don't get paid. However, it does mean I am not in the control of uncaring people. I suppose it will be just as scary so then I could have a little of both. Employed and self-employed too.

Bliss
xx

Tuesday 11 October 2011

Novakovich

'Mixing It Up
Review Notation: Mixing It Up

APRICOTS FROM CHERNOBYL
by Josip Novakovich

Published by Graywolf Press




I began to write stories in the States out of nostalgia when I dodged the Yugoslav Federal Army and could not go home. Nostos-algia, the Greek components mean return + pain: the pain that drives you to return. But I could not return, because in addition to the politics, time banned me. I missed the times and places and people of my boyhood. I thought I could stay in touch at least with the people and the place, if not the time. I wrote a long letter a day, under the illusion that I was reaching beyond the ocean and plugging my spirit into my native soil, through that bit of a tree, the page, which contained traces of being rooted in a moist black soil. In return for the long letters, if I was lucky, I'd get a few postcards. I thought I might just as well give up on the lousy lot of my friends and brothers. But by then I was addicted to remembering through writing, and so I wrote to the wall in front of me. I described the places of my childhood in more than a hundred pages, and my fingers walked and ran, barefoot, as I used to in summer days...
--Josip Novakovich, from his essay "Revising Memory"




The yearning in Novakovich's collection of essays envelopes land and sea, language and thought, faces and facades, with a bitter humor almost sweet at its core. Although writing in a time when xenophobia has become an absolute madness in Western nations all over the world, this author's clever sleight-of-hand turns each bruising of the psyche into an opportunity for ripening, like the "stunted apricots" in the title essay of this book. Novakovich is, above all, an ascerbic optimist. Having fled his homeland in the former Yugoslavia, leaving behind kin and community, the author here significant portraits of what is lost, what is remembered, and what remains. Within those moments of fresh clarity of the past are the instances of repeated culture shock that never seem to lose their harsh edges. "Almost whichever border I cross," Novakovich reports, "the police take out their books and search for my name among the names of terrorists, murderers, rapists; and, not finding it, they look at me as if meaning, 'All right, not yet, but we'll catch you some day!'" And yes, this treatment is most certainly racially-motivated: "Whenever I am tired -- and after bumming through Europe for two months I certainly am--" we learn, "I think I look very much a Slav. These 'free-world policemen are like dogs trained to smell us out, which in many cases quite literally should prove possible! I am the only one dragged into the police station, while others admire what a free country Switzerland is, where nobody even bothers so much as to look at your passport" (from "Crossing Borders"). A variance on the theme of immigration purely from hardship, Novakovich takes a broader stroke at the issue of passage:

Many people enter illegally, through fraud -- buying passports, green cards, copying visas, or plainly crossing the borders where they are least attended, risking a not-so-gentle treatment by the U.S. border patrol. People are driven by poverty, or by the desire for wealth, or by hardship of one sort or another, greed of one sort or another, to move to another country and seek a new life. Even where life is not hard materially, it may be hard spiritually. You can run into many Dutch, Swedish, German, Japanese, and other immigrants in the States and other countries. It's not that materially they didn't have good chances at home, but they just needed a throwing away of their strict upbringing in a country where different customs rule -- a breakthrough into a new life, through borders not as obstacles but as thresholds to imagined freedom. --from the essay "Crossing the Border"



Insights here take into pointed regard the changes cultures of many European and U.S. cultures. The humor, anger, nostalgia, and wisdom of this first collection by Novakovich mark a splendid entry into U.S. multicultural literature. A necessary book for the shelves of every informed reader.

Review by Canéla Analucinda Jaramillo
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writing characters

Apparently character is plot and plot is character when writing - according to Henry James (1995). "Building a strong sense of your main character or characters, then add a dilemma, challenge or conflict, you will automatically be generating your plot" (Open University).

And that I realised, when writing about Miriam, was pretty difficult. It's already a vast subject for discussion just from my first few lines about her.


First drafts .....

Miriam loathed the idea of being labelled by others. She enjoyed being thought of as different, not fitting into the usual mould. She really was quite quirky and unique without really needing to try. If only she knew that. Perhaps she did really. This conflict within her is frustrating to get to grips with and she is so changeable too. Does she even realise she is battling with an internal rivalry? It's not external but watching her it sometimes seems as if she is battling the world. She is a story all by herself but there isn't room to go into that detail here.
Phoebe had longed for a simple life away from the hubbub and to live off the grid. Yet she loved her gadgets and occasional trips into town to visit a gallery. And her car was an essential! With all her protestations within herself and to her friends, here she was with a low income, living in housing association accommodation, scaling down. Now the conflicting discontent. Not having enough money to do and possess all the things she wanted.  And so she sat sometimes for hours grieving the loss of her former self, the adventurer, the risk taker, the high-flyer. That person and that lifestyle were long gone. These days Phoebe had to be cautious when considering an evening at the cinema or a meal out with friends. Oh yes, she was still socialising but carefully selecting which she could afford. Sometimes she didn’t choose and impulsively did them all. That part of her hadn’t changed, the throwing caution to the wind attitude lived on despite the financial insecurity. But this meant something else had to be forfeited, such as food.
 Spending on binge foods thus resulted in not only a financial dilemma but more erosion of self esteem. Not to mention a self berating session.  The need for binging always felt like a real need for the food but intellectually she knew that it was something deeper, some emotional trigger, no doubt contributed to by the sense of distress at her now small world. Phoebe had reached across the spectrum of the haves and the have nots. When she had and was receiving in abundance she craved a simple life without the high-powered stresses. Now she has little, there was a sense of loss and shame. What got her here?

How do these two come to be friends? What brought them together? Crisis! A rock bottom. Emotional fall out and a long lasting supportive friendship was borne out of adversity and gloom. From thereon a different set of adventures ensued. The same underlying people bringing a new dynamic in their togetherness and adventure unlike anything in their individual former lives ....

More envy


jaundiced

Affected with or exhibiting prejudice, as from envy or resentment.

I had been chewing a bitter cud of remembrance, so bitter that it engendered the gall which, in the end, jaundiced my vision of things that were past and things as they then existed.
-- Mary E. Waller, The Windmill on the Dune
And yet with jaundiced eye I gaze upon all the beauty and wonder about me, and with jaundiced brain consider the pitiful figure I cut in this world that endured so long without me and that will again endure without me.
-- Jack London, John Barleycorn

Jealousy

With reference to my own recent ramblings about jealousy and envy I thought I would add this Blog to my Blog. Interesting.


What Can Jealousy Teach You?

Your jealousy can inform you about your relationship with yourself.
The emotion of jealously feels so terrible that it might seem counterintuitive that you can learn anything from it. The fear, anxiety, and anger about a potential loss that jealousy evokes can be experienced as negatively as the loss itself, and sometimes worse given the torturous nature of the unknown.
Jessica, for example, always bristled when her partner would comment about another woman expressing interest in him, and she didn't like his lunches with female business associates. She had a hard time trusting that he was truly loyal to her, and found herself occasionally looking for evidence that would confirm her fear.
First of all, a woman or man in Jessica's situation should learn that jealousy is not always about you. It is entirely possible that the personality characteristics of a partner may lead him to provoke you to become jealous, and, in doing so, he secures his tie to you. Such behavior is typical of people with personality disorders. Narcissistic and borderline personalities are so fearful of abandonment that they evoke jealous reactions in a partner and then blame their partner for being jealous. In this case, Jessica would become so preoccupied with her own security that she wouldn't consider her partner's own abandonment fears.
There are other variations on the theme of jealously not being about you, but instead belonging to a partner who evokes jealousy in you. A partner might be jealous about his previous partner, but instead evoke that jealously in his present partner. Jealousy, as you may have experienced, tends to cause intense negativity or anger in a person toward the object of that jealousy. How convenient it is when someone can evoke rage in a present partner about the behavior of a previous partner, all the while remaining neutral and even sympathetic toward the previous partner.
However, in Jessica's case, her jealously wasn't limited to her partner. When a female friend talked about a shared experience with a mutual friend of theirs she felt jealous as well. It could very well be that Jessica's choice of friends unfortunately resembled the personality disordered characteristics of her romantic partner, but let's assume that not to be the case. Thus, we are assuming that Jessica is prone to have jealous responses when people in her life express closeness to anyone else.
Jealousy, when it does belong to you, represents a threat to your connection with another person that is experienced as anxiety and fear that someone else can and will take your place. In evolutionary terms, securing your tie to a partner would have enormous benefits, and thus, jealously and the responses it evokes serve to protect one's self-interest in a partnership. A rival, in caveman days, might meet a dreadful fate. But in contemporary society, for the most part, jealously tends to make the jealous party appear and feel weak, insecure, inferior, needy, and lacking in self-esteem. The jealous person is often plagued by uncertainty and quietly lonely. However, sometimes a jealous partner is aggressive and offensive. In any case, one who is jealous has a few things to learn.
Jealousy does trigger a negative, self-protective response, but it can also inform you. So if you experience jealousy you have an opportunity to learn about yourself by asking yourself some questions: Are you perceiving that you are lacking in some quality that you would like to develop for yourself? Are you experiencing jealously because, actually, you want something more from your relationship that you are unable to obtain from that person, whether it is passion, intellectual stimulation, or intimacy? What do you think of yourself and who do you want to be? What experiences of loss and abandonment in your life have led you to fear that it will happen again? Being close to others can trigger the emotion of jealousy, especially if you do not value yourself or have experienced childhood loss or abandonment. However, you must recognize that your feelings have more to do with your relationship with yourself than your relationship with someone else.
Like jealously, envy is a social emotion that is evoked in relationships. Where jealousy is evoked in three-way relationships, the experience of envy involves your relationship with another person

Saturday 8 October 2011

Spies sewn into the regimental breeches



A good film I thought. I just think John Le Carre writes a marvel of a story anyway. A told me how the party in the film, which was not in the book, evolved as an anecdote from Le Carre from his time in MI5 or was it MI6? What's the difference anyway????. A party, everyone got drunk and the evening ended with the police arriving when a window was broken. Ironic really.
Gary Oldman did a good job although as G said he was miscast as the character was supposed to be much older according to Le Carre's description. I though he had a certain command about him. I think the filming ensured the focus was entirely centred on the complicated and intriguing relationships and interactions - disloyalty, deceit, double-crossing.
There were shots of the Cities but these were secondary to the camera being on the people. I liked this approach. Great filming can be a beauty asset to a film but in this case it was never about places which really are incidental. It's about the people.
Directed by Tomas Alfredson
Director of Let the Right One In - yes good directing in my opinion not that I know anything at all about directing a film ha ha ha - but this one worked well for me.
One thin I noticed is that Big Ben was very clean but in the 70's London was very grungy dirty. In the shot it was in the distance, the actors were standing at a window with Big Ben in the background. Nice and sparkly clean.
I enjoyed it and it was great to be seeing it on the big screen.

I had a lovely lunch with P. He paid- We went to Jamie's which I thought was very gimmicky. All the serving gimmicks which are products that can be bought of course. Clever money spinner for sure. The food was alright, the service appalling and the noise levels ridiculous. I wonder if anyone here has ever heard of the things JH had mentioned - something stuck under chairs that I think he said absorb noise. Anyway for me it was a fast food style - it is really popular because Jamie is. I am probably very out of style or something but to me it's not a classic that will last. However he is surely making a packet!!

Then I walked over to the cinema. A missed call from A! I called back only to be asked what I thought about them not coming. I listened to the decision backwards forwards and then said I was disappointed at which point A said they were going to make it. I felt the codee cringe in me. I think the decision was taken by A because I had said I was disappointed. I ha to leave that choice with her but eeeek it was uncomfortable. I was disappointed as I had organised my time and plans specifically to ensure I kept to the agreed arrangements. And I was there! Anyway they did make it. A with her red irritated eye and G with her bad back. I wasn't a fabrication which I thought it might have been. It's all too easy to just back out. Which is one thing I am glad about not backing out from yesterday evening. I really didn't want to go and yet I really wanted to go. It was easy and pleasant and more than that I am glad to have made the effort for Kim - and I do that because I value.Similarly with H and H tomorrow, I am going because I value them and able to put aside my issues. Also with P - I organised my time to be able to meet him for lunch because I value him. It's odd really because there's not an awful lot to talk to him about outside of work. I wonder more about him, interests etc but we don't talk about those things and I don't think he's interested in that of me.
So A and G arrived much to my surprise. I am glad because I enjoyed being out at the cinema. I treated them as a thank you for looking after LouLou - which makes me feel better more than it probably does anything for them.

So a good day - friends and film.

Bliss
xx

Nagasaki bombo

She's visiting from SA for just a month. It felt so lovely to be sitting next to her ... there was a sense of home and calm about being with her. K is one of the wonderful people in life that I have met. Sincere, honest, thoughtful and agreeable. What a lovely gift of friendship. And to think I haven't seen her for two years. No on would have known that I am sure. And now we are meeting for a coffee on Wednesday too for a one to one catch up. I feel very honoured and privileged.
I did feel at ease with the person I am - I didn't like that I had been so certain that E worked in Godalming only to realise later that she didn't. I was wondering why - I think there is some financial security and envy that manifests. Let me be clearer about the scenario (I am a little cagey just in case any friends are beginning to discover the Blog and recognise themselves and me but that realisation in itself is learning as if there are any behaviours or thoughts I would not be happy to share then there is something going on - shame is a strong indicator that something isn't sitting comfortably - privacy and discretion is something else I think). Anyway let's get this out with clarity.
Recently M was saying that she had seen a job advertised for £30k - Godalming job. That scares me. I feel more comfortable when I think there are others like me - not so financially free and easy - I would feel left out perhaps if they were able to afford lots of things that I can't afford. I know I can't afford so much but when there are others like me then I feel OK with the situation. How weird is that. This is jealousy and insecurity. I think also that they would want to spend less time with me doing their other things with other people and I would feel even more alone in the world.
It's so selfish. I  don't like how this looks. Anyway When I said that I think E works there - I can't quite remember whether I said think or does I was trying to be encouraging with a under current of jealousy. I would actually be so happy and enthusiastic for M to be successful in just the way she desires and to be financially comfortable would be wonderful. It would not stop me feeling jealous or is it envious, I am never quite sure.
envy - a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.
covetousness - wrongly desirous.
And envious is the emotional expression of that envy
I take that to mean wanting for oneself for example what someone else has.
jealous - feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of )
            - characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.

I think the jealousy is much more nasty actually but I am not sure that I get this the right way round as people often say envy is worse than jealousy. Yet jealousy is fuelled with resentment and in my opinion can involve for example the jealous person not wanting the other person to have either.

I do not feel like this overall but do get scared that if someone else has they won't be interested in me. I think with M I do feel insecure at times. And I think some of this is fuelled by realising that she can withdraw easily and doesn't trust. There may be some sort of counter transference there for me. It is not completely clear. But I like M very much indeed and would like her friendship eternally. When M talks about friendships though I get a sense that it's sort a forewarning not to expect friendship and I'm sure she has said that if I didn't keep in contact with her she wouldn't keep in contact with me. Or maybe that's what I have interpreted. Blimey interaction is complex at times.

Anyway the discomfort or embarrassment is that I didn't ever acknowledge with M when I thought about it later that E maybe didn't work there but did work for a wildlife charity. So when it was raised last night I cringed with that knowledge of myself. More work to o on ME.

Anyway this is a convoluted journey around me sort of tying in M with E and a well paid job. Whatever it is what I don;t like is that I made yet another statement as if I know when actually I thought but wasn't certain. I am practicing changing this because I don't know much at all - the more I do learn the more I realise I don't know.
And yet I know some things.

It was lovely seeing S as well - he is a funny fella. Full of energy and sharp in his thoughts. He has a direction which sounds so exxciting. Interestingly he is forging forward and towards a PhD with gentics and biology in some form that I didn't fully understand. It is really exciting. He triuly has a quikc and able mind - far from the young guy that I first met around 9 years ago or 8, I'm not sure. He has grown enormously just being himself. Quite self assured outwardly. I think beofer he was a lot self assured in his arrogance. Maybe he is truly is at ease with being him. I hope so.


I felt strange yesterday - not having anything t have to study and doing things without the guilt of "should be studying". It felt weird and thumb twiddling. What did I do?
Well this mroning I sorted out admin paperwork. I started learning how to use the OU online library. Well practicing according to their help pages. I don't think their help pages are very easy for me to udnerstand. It all seems coplicated to me and wonder if that's just me.
I watched the Gene Code - part 2. I have found the whole thing fascinating and interesting.
I watched White Ribbon last evening. A German film


It brought to mind The Salem Witchcraft trial of 1692 and which was the story of the film Crucible.
(How I love the internet to help me research this because my memory loses so much information like names for example).
I thought it was a very good film. Michael Haneke is the director. I wonder what his inspiration is for his films. The original version of Funny Games was so so sinister. I like his work though. There is a feel of sinister mystery and evil. It was told so well with the protaginst being a talk over story teller. I love the black and white feel taking me really to the times it was suposed to be portraying. That's an odd thing to say because life would have been in colour but filming at those times of course wasn't. When did cine come into existence - Internet!!!
Cristian Friedal is the school teacher who is recounting the events of this strange cillage community. He has done little and this is his second fil. I thought he played the part well. Unassumingly. It will be interesting to see what he does next.
And yes miving film was in the late 1800's early 1900's so the first world war would have been cpatured in black and white.

I am off to have lunch with P. I feel very honoured actually as I don't think P lets people easily into his private life. And his life has changed beyond all recognition in many many ways over the last 10 years. Significantly now with the death of his lovely mother. I know for me I was bereft and didn't know how to manage without my mum. I am certain there is a massive hole i his life right now. I wish for him to stand still and give himself time. I think P's standing still is to be on the move - change everything. I can relate to that. Run from the enormity of the emotions. I had SH to help me to stand still but looking bac I was all over the place.
Then this evening I am seeing Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy with A and G. I am looking forward to being at the big screen. It's a novelty these days.

Off now to late lunch
Bliss
XX

Thursday 6 October 2011

Decency - and notes about decency on a biological level

I was just wondering if there are actually decent and honest guys.
I see perhaps there are with others but I haven't met one and that's probably a lot to do with me rather than them
Bliss
xx

The formation of an attachment and a bond. Monogamy - 97% of species are not manogamous but there are examples other than humans do form monogamous relationships.
Perhaps the evolutionary reason for this is that it takes two to raise the offspring. So unlike previous theories that say the male of the species simply has to spread the gene pool widely to ensure the survival of that genetic line. However, perhaps the way that humans have evolved beyond that.
Nothing human is unique? Perhaps but there are traces of behaviours that are evident in other species.
Like the strong bond of the mother and the child.
The relationship between the father and the child - he's often present in most cultures.
The relationship with the mother and father. This is not usual in many others species. The male mates and then moves on.
What is the biochemistry underlying behaviour and the biogenetics - using an a
Furryballs? Socially monogamous. They form partnerships and usually stick together for life. However if he is out in the prairie and comes across another female he may mate with that female. But he returns to the female he has formed the attachment with. Apparently the female may do the same.

It's not sexual exclusivity or genetic monogamy - its a formation of an attachemtn and a bond.

Evolution only in 3 % of species. It arises independently multiple times.
Why be monogamous? It seems more adaptive for a male to mate with as many females as possible.
But - it takes two to raise a family - resouces may be hard to come b or to protect from predators in the environment.
If he werent around he might have humdreds of babies but none of them survive. But mongamy means there ciuld be an increased chance of survival.
It may be difficult to come by a great partner. The deep sea angler fish is a good example of a fish that finds it difficult to find a female. So when he does he forms a long lasting relationships. They become one - literally. Apart from his hypothalamus and his "gonads".
Monogamy - the ability to form attachmanets may have formed from the mother baby bond - it gave rise to this social attachment.
Oxytocin - critical for reproduction and secretes at the breat to stimulate mik ejection.
Birth and nutrient responsibility. Hypothalamus is involved. Positive ffeedback as when the baby sucles oxytocin ensures more milk secreted.

Rats - virgin females don't like babies. When the female goes through pregnancy a woman goes through a change and the baby suddenly is attractive - oxytocin is involved in this.

Sheep give birth in a breeding season. When the lamb is born it can walk around. The ewew likes babies and in particular my baby - oxytocin is involved - vaginal stimulation stimulates the production of oxytocin.

The bond between two adults. -
Experiment to see if rodents bond - time spent together in cohabitation then separated and given a choice to go back together.

Is oxytocin involved in the bonding between two adults?
Experiments do suggest that oxytocin present in the brain encourages bonding.

Furryballs (Prairie Vole) crave social contact contrasted with voles who are very solitary - promiscuous and  do not form bonds
So what is different between these rodents?
The oxytocin levels are the same but what is different is the receptors of the neurons.
A big difference ....
They have high density of oxytocin receptors in nucleus accumbens which is involved in addiction.
If we inject a blocker into the receptors in this area then there is no bond formed in the animals.

I alone therre is no oxytocin released but if mating there is a dump of oxytocin

and another molecule vasopressin - sexually dimorphic - males have much more than fenales
responsible for male typical behaviour - territorial behaviour ie dogs peeing everywhere
Its also responsible for male bonding with female partner.
Interesting implications for differences between bonding in the male and the female
Female to male - nurturing
male to fenmale - territorial

Vasopressin system - located in same areas but the location of areas that respond to vasopressin
in the ventral pallidum - which is connected to the n.a - also involved in reward in addcition
if blocked then there is no bonding.

How do you go from a molecule to a bond?
Subtle effect but important - responsibility to process social cues of others.
similar eyes nose mouth - eyes fine tuned to pick out unique features - recognition.
Some creature use smell for recognition.

Oxytocin lacking = social amnesia
Experiment observing sniffing which reduces each time they encounter.
If no oxytocin then they cannot remember each other. So oxytocin makes social signals more salient
Dopamine - involved in reward - reinforcement
Opiioids - maing pleasure - hedonia

Male mating - activiate VTA where dopamine is made - released to n.a and ventral pallidum - pleasure area and that's what makes sex rewarding
Prairie vole (furryball) - receptors involved in social discrimination are concentrated in the reward area where the dopamine is being released at the same time - there is an integration of the social cues of the parntern and the reward of the socil inteaction
a perception of the social cues and recogntion of the prairie vole
They have the receptops there allowing them to link the social coding. Different brain physiology

Genetic changes in an experiement have further supported this.

Diversity of behaviour - different behaviours in different species

Oxytocing - diverisyt in receptor patterns in different species giving rise to different social interaction in different species
Virgin rats don't like pups. Virgin prairie voles seriously maternal
Humans - individual variation - individual variation in brain physiology - different behaviours
Can this be ttracked to DNA?
Differences in behaviour related to difference in the expression of the gene

Gene - coding region that makes the protein that does the job - a set of instructions determines how much of the gene is going to be made.
Parts make the protein - almost identical except for very slight changes
ie. Prairie vole had a coding for the gene tat is much longer than the meadow vole
And then within the same species slight variations - individuality

Create differnt lines of voles for one little variation of DNA
receptor expression in the brain determined by specific DNA coding and therefore predict the social behaviour. So genes play an important part in species difference and individual varioations
But experience and events play an important part as well - parental behaviour shapes offspiring behaviour as well.

Human experience and oxytocin observation
abuse in childhood - and oxytocin lower levels

Humans - same genes as animals - similar will apply
Hippocampus and amygdala - oxytocin receptors predict how the human will act

Human literature explosions related to oxytocin.
If we sniff it it can pass the blood brain barrier and get into the brain - what does this do?
It enhances trust - more likely to trust another person.
But it doesn't actually pass the blood-brain barrier efficiently.

Oxytocin role in the human brain
increases amount of time perosn looks into the eye region of another person
eyes are where a lot of socisl interaction occurs
Also increases "mind reading" infer the emotions of other peopk,e by just looking at the other poeson face - Theory of mind
it also increase some aspects of empathy
females sow more empathy than males but with increased oxytocin empathy levels increase in males
it increase socially reinforced learning - learn a task based on trials - reinforcement = a smiling face at them -people with oxytocin learned how to do the task faster when given positive reinforcement
it increase the memory of familiar faces
it increase the inmporatnce/focus to the social stimuli

Important clinical implications ....
correct disorders of social problems in the brain - autism disorder for example
deficits in social reprocity and integration - problems in communication - repetitive and restrictive behaviours
not one single autism - a collection of disorders giving rise to similar gentoype
all work through different disorder -so therefore difficult to medicate
maybe though enhancing soocial learnign might help - ie social reward and reinforcemtn - therefore perhaps oxytocin + dopamine and opiods involved in reward and reinforcement and pleasure

All could help - and improve social functioing
BUT lilmitations we don't know hoe much gets into the brain or travels through the brain when sniffed - intranasal

If we knew where the ocytocin receoptors were on the neurons - they could dump oxytocin -
One ,molecule found when given a specific drug - it targets a receptor that is in oxytocin neurons
if get the drug that hits this receptor there is an improvement in bonding more strongly as dumped directly into areas precisely where these receptors are
and longer memory of the bonding too

maybe the drug can enhance social learning that will imporve the efficacy of therapies when attempting to help people with deficiences that are creating dysfunction for a person

















Gone gone gone

It's gone. My assignment is submitted - the end of the course. Fascinating and demanding and tiring and exciting. But all finished. I hope I pass and better than that I hope I get a 2:1.
I so need to be working less to really be able to apply myself the the levelt that I do now believe I am nore than capable of. It is not satisfying doing things in a half measured way because of time restraints. However, it is satisfying in many other ways.
I am free now - assignment gone. I am free to enjoy the next few days off without the pressure of studying and writing and interpreting.
Yipppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

And thanks to everyone sinlge one of my friends and associates who support me.

Bliss
XX

The gift of the present

ADVENTURERS WARNING:
Sometimes, being your true radiant self, living in the moment, glad for all you already have and who you already are, Bliss, isn't always easy.
Nope, such conditions create the precise moment in one's life when the floodgates of physical abundance swing open the farthest, giving rise to that persistent, nagging "issue of the ages": where to put it all.
Really -  
    The Universe

I cannot write right at this moment on this posit. However, I will savout the moment as recently I have been able to apply this easily. An it therefore has influenced my decisions. I do have fears about financial security and with that comes an immediate anxiety of what I can't have and won't be able to afford. An instant move away from the above sentiment.
Must get on - will be back

Bliss
XX

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Multiple choice life

It's as if before you there are countless doorways, all leading to new and different hallways. So you wonder and think, calculate and stress, over whether or not you'll knock on the "right" one.
But what you can't yet see, Bliss, is that all of the hallways beyond all of the doorways eventually lead to the same great room, in the same great house, with the same great party.
So, may as well pick the one you want? Huh?  
    The Universe

I whole-heartedly concur. I don't think there are any wrong paths there are simply paths. Follow anyone and I am me, consistently me. And I develop some more me as I follow my choices. Perhaps my choice are even an indication of me. Individuality. N=Everything is intertwined. Me has been contributed to from the moment of conception an influences in early days contributed to me and choices. Choices were presented that were nothing to do with me, they were there regardless of me.
Pick a path and develop on the journey. The journey involves emotions, new information, people and varying interactions, different terrain to negotiate and navigate. None of it is wrong. It simply is. Embrace it.
There we are my thoughts
Bliss
XX

Book of Job

Where were you when I lai the earth's foundations?
Tell me since you are so well informed! ...

When all the stars of the morning were singing with joy
and the sons of God in chorus were chanting praise?

Job 38:4 and 7

Grace -
Tthe way of nature and the way of grace. Choose which one to follow.
Grace doesn't try to please itself. Grace accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked.
It accepts insults and injuries.
Nature only wants to please itself. And others to please it too.
It likes to Lord it a little
To have it's own way
It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining all around it
 and love is smiling at all things
He taught us that no one who loves the way of grace
never comes to a bad end
I will be true to you
Whatever comes .....
(The words spoken at the beginning of the film Tree of Life.)

Something else I picked up - Is boredom anything less than the sense of one's faculties slowly dying?
Lots to debate but I need to focus - getting somewhere but not fast. At least I am getting somewhere

Bliss
XX

Order of service - oddity

My appeal for extension is being considered. Hopefully favourably.
It is horrid though as they required proof. Fortunately I brought the order of service home which apparently is sufficient
It was horrible scanning it and sending it. I can't quit sobbing now.
I suppose it had to come out. I am not even sure what I am sobbing about. It seems impossible Lisa is dead.
Loss is so strange. I don't think I believe in life after death in the way that I have supposed from what I have heard in the past.

Oddly I didn't sense my mum and Lisa on the bench this morning - I tried to see them there but just couldn't I turned as I walked away and waved.
I am not sure that this is my previous understanding of life after death and signs and messages from a sort of returning being. It's something much more that I cannot explain at all. Or I don;t know how to explain.
I hope I get the extension as I am really really struggling to stay focused. Plus I was awake asleep awake asleep throughout the night.
Even ending up emailing my auntie at 3:05 knowing that she is awake usually fro 2am until about 5am. No reply which was a relief as I am hoping that means she slept all the way through for the first time in ages.
Sorry to keep sharing all this. Normally I internalise all this because I think it shows that I am weak and pathetic. Death is death and get on with it - it happens. My dad would be as cold as anything - not a tear or even a change in his expression  which told me masses really. He told me that he was desensitised to death - never getting close to people truly after the first few deaths and killings when he was such a young man in the army - sent to horror zones such as Yemen and Korea and Borneo etc. Horrid battles. I see that in him - death is death, he's right but it evokes loss in me which I need to allow to heal in the way humans seem to need to do it - crying and hurting and crying and trying to make sense of it and crying and ...... whatever it takes. I have more acceptance more of the time regarding my mum and it is fortunate that I was in recovery to learn this.
I am glad I am mortal and there is an end to all of this - it will happen and I am not afraid. The Priests sermon was about death coming to us all.
He told a story of a farmer in Africa (the Priest was African with a very STRONG African accent). The farmer was walking through the planes one day and was being followed by a lion. He carried on walking and the lion walked behind him keeping pace. The farmer sensed him there. He tried running but still the lion kept pace and when the farmer glanced to see him, the lion was getting closer. He tried standing still and soon the lion was upon him. He likened the farmers walk to death. We cannot escape death. We are born and then we are like the farmer walking walking, running walking and eventually we have to stand still and then it catches up with us. He did make note that it seems worse when it's one so young. Thankfully he didn't say God wanted this one early or anything. Nonsense in my mind. It is what it is.
I hope you don't mind me writing all of this. It's simply musings to get the sobs to stop. They are subsiding now. The request for the Order of service I think was a strange help for me. I hope I can re-focus now on mesolimbic dopaminergic pathways involved in stress triggering addictive behaviours and schizophrenia. Ha! And then we die.
I hope this doesn't seem to morbid and understand if you decide not to read it.





Bliss
xx