A dutiful visit to Kent yesterday has left me very thoughtful. I am pleased that I made the effort to visit in respect of Uncle Gordon's death. I had been left with the dilemma of either asking for another day off work which wuld typically fall on a day of day care to attend the formal funeral today. Or not go to the funeral and feel een more estranged from my estrangement with my family. And then it became clear to me that I would be able to do both. And then even better I learnt that they were holding an informal service at 5pm.
And so I arranged to journey to Auntie O's and Uncle R's. I arrived at 3:30, having had the morning and lunch with ML. Poor her, her car broke down and then she learnt that she hadn't been offered the Job for which she attended the interview last week.
Anyway having spent an afternoon then chatting and listening to Auntie O and Uncle R we went to the service. A turned up at O&R's prior tot he service and kindly gave me some complimentary tickets for the V&A exhibition. That had been pre-arranged.
I sat and listened to them all really being judgemental and very critical with it of the family coming from Wigan. I am left wondering what on earth is said about me and also my mum, behind my back. They are not really kind thinking people. It's highly critical in a very condemning way. I didn't like the fact that I chipped in with one or two snippets of my own versions of criticism. I wonder if they say these things with any meanness behind it or just like us all, it's with our own issues driving it all. I have compassion enough to see that I suppose. And the other good thing is that I am learning to not be so flipping judgemental at the same time as being judgemental if you know what I mean. I have been praying ever since I sat there asking You God to remove this defect from me. I don't see any useful purpose.
I am also left wondering what it is this thing called family. I sat there in the evening with a few of them around me feeling very distant from them. I see how I have kept people shut out and yet I sort of want to belong as well. I try and yet sit there feeling different. It's odd. And I think I have always had this weird feeling of knowing them and feeling connected but feeling on the outside too. Is it my doing? Or is it real? The thing is what really makes it different from sitting around with any other bunch of people. I don't understand what it is about the neurons firing that might have that sense of family. I don't have the depth of belonging that I think I ought to have and perhaps they seem to have. I wonder if they do. Is it just a sort of duty thing for them too or nosiness or what is it? I have more sense of beining elsewhere I think. But then again do I? I can gradually eel a part of something as I spend more and more time with people or say particular AA meetings. But I an easily leave again. Is it me? It's a cmmon theme in AA, feeling different, as if not belonging even within the family.
I need to go to work but I think there is more for me to write on this. Especially as I see how I complained about my dad rebuking me for so long. But I didn't let him in. Afraid I guess of being hurt and pushed out I wasn't able to let my dad close yet would moan about him shutting me out. It was both of us. I want to changed God. Please help me. I do not want to regret the next death I regret not knowing more about Uncle Gordon or any of them. He seemed a very nice man but I had never found that out for myself apart from a brief talk with him earlier this year.
I hear how negative Uncle R is about everyone. I used to think he was so cool. I wonder what happened. I understand how hurt he must be for losing his daughter, my cousin. She was only 41 years odd. Now 2 years ago since her death. How very very odd.
Off to work
Bliss
And so I arranged to journey to Auntie O's and Uncle R's. I arrived at 3:30, having had the morning and lunch with ML. Poor her, her car broke down and then she learnt that she hadn't been offered the Job for which she attended the interview last week.
Anyway having spent an afternoon then chatting and listening to Auntie O and Uncle R we went to the service. A turned up at O&R's prior tot he service and kindly gave me some complimentary tickets for the V&A exhibition. That had been pre-arranged.
I sat and listened to them all really being judgemental and very critical with it of the family coming from Wigan. I am left wondering what on earth is said about me and also my mum, behind my back. They are not really kind thinking people. It's highly critical in a very condemning way. I didn't like the fact that I chipped in with one or two snippets of my own versions of criticism. I wonder if they say these things with any meanness behind it or just like us all, it's with our own issues driving it all. I have compassion enough to see that I suppose. And the other good thing is that I am learning to not be so flipping judgemental at the same time as being judgemental if you know what I mean. I have been praying ever since I sat there asking You God to remove this defect from me. I don't see any useful purpose.
I am also left wondering what it is this thing called family. I sat there in the evening with a few of them around me feeling very distant from them. I see how I have kept people shut out and yet I sort of want to belong as well. I try and yet sit there feeling different. It's odd. And I think I have always had this weird feeling of knowing them and feeling connected but feeling on the outside too. Is it my doing? Or is it real? The thing is what really makes it different from sitting around with any other bunch of people. I don't understand what it is about the neurons firing that might have that sense of family. I don't have the depth of belonging that I think I ought to have and perhaps they seem to have. I wonder if they do. Is it just a sort of duty thing for them too or nosiness or what is it? I have more sense of beining elsewhere I think. But then again do I? I can gradually eel a part of something as I spend more and more time with people or say particular AA meetings. But I an easily leave again. Is it me? It's a cmmon theme in AA, feeling different, as if not belonging even within the family.
I need to go to work but I think there is more for me to write on this. Especially as I see how I complained about my dad rebuking me for so long. But I didn't let him in. Afraid I guess of being hurt and pushed out I wasn't able to let my dad close yet would moan about him shutting me out. It was both of us. I want to changed God. Please help me. I do not want to regret the next death I regret not knowing more about Uncle Gordon or any of them. He seemed a very nice man but I had never found that out for myself apart from a brief talk with him earlier this year.
I hear how negative Uncle R is about everyone. I used to think he was so cool. I wonder what happened. I understand how hurt he must be for losing his daughter, my cousin. She was only 41 years odd. Now 2 years ago since her death. How very very odd.
Off to work
Bliss
