S didn't want to let me pass by the emotions I described that have arisen after meeting with him on Saturday. She was very good, and continued to be so today, at hearing the real pain amidst everything. All the other good things were real; a lovely evening BBQing in honour of my birthday with important friends, wonderful presents, fun and laughter, a rebate cheque from HM tax office (blimey!) and just when I am wondering how to afford a car service and purchase a new washing machine, a weekend with visits of me actually showing up to friends I can easily neglect, then a flat to come home to that's private and safe. All these good things and yet S noticed I by-passed strong emotions in connection with my dad.
I have been feeling sadness. That's realted to the gaping chasm between us. We are different sides of teh Grand Canyon, shouting across to each other. I don't want to lose that loose connection across the chasm and yet I'm finding it difficult to be heard and noticed. I am trying to hear everything he says but it's sometimes garbled with the echoes or so quiet that other noises distract from the essence of what is being said. I feel sad for the chasm and regret for the part I've played in creating that deep and immense distance between us. It feels as if the journey to be undertaken to get together is too long with the energy and amount of time left. I feel as if I can get there quickly enough. At the same time I cannot rush it when coming across all the things I need to get through the journey; money, food, shelter, support. I want the quick way, a bridge or a plane. At least want to get across and I'm making the effort to keep in contact even when it seems as if he is not saying so much. He stands there anyway, which is a sure sign there is something worthwhile between us. It hurts though. It hurts that he can be so easily distracted away. He has his wife there in the background. I felt jealous that he had brought her to Petersfield and it was even worse that he didn't tell me directly and only became apparent as I asked probing questions. The hurt and the sadness mixed seemed to attenuate as the jealousy took over. It's so much easier to be in some variation of anger. And therefore since yesterday I have been angry. There is a degree of augmenting the anger with S, my colleague. We pick out the negatives in the interactions. I can see with me that some of it is trying to get an assurance that S's playfulness with her and accordance is actually only a placatory thing and not genuine. I am scared of her switching sides. Fear! fear of? Fear of being left alone with my dislike and disapproval. That on my own I will be wrong. There's probably more underlying that. I'm afraid.
But the anger - hmmm. I'm angry with ? I just feel angry. It's like a childish anger that feels free floating and I don't knw what has caused it or where to put it so it keeps landing on every little thing that irritates me. It could be hormonal having had hot flushes a couple of weeks ago and fluttery tummy days last week. Then pain on Sunday night. lus I'm tired. I'm not going to bed early.
On the other hand there are situations that I feel angry about. I feel angry that my employers do not give us the bank holiday that the nation has been given to honour the Queens Diamond jubilee. In reality I am not a royalist although have enjoyed watching some of the pomp and ceremony. I do feel a sense of pride and honour when I see all the royal family and glitz. The Queen is remarkable really. The "pop" concert was actually diabolical in terms of intellectual creativity for me. But I did bop along to one or two of the performers. I really admire the strength of Tom Jones voice and the stardom Kylie Minogue created with her catchy numbers and sexy styles. I noticed that she was alot more subdued in her performance. I cringed at the comedian hosts. I watched it until the end despite being only partially entertained.
And as I said this to S this monring she pointed out that several times I had talked about doing things to numb out. At one point I had said "fuck-it!" and was thinking about buying sugar products. Whilst with A there were various sugar products about and I wanted to help myself. I was afraid though knowing that it wouldn't stop.
What am I angry about that I am feeling a need to suppress it?
I'm angry at not having enough money to be able to afford luxuries like a washing machine. I am angry that my employers do not invest in us at all - training, pay increases, bank holidays, and it feels like injustice so I feel helpless. I feel angry with L's ways of getting at me all the time. It's probably not intentional but little comments seem indirectly derogatory and undermining often. She has a way of being underhand. It's boring in a way. I'm angry that I enter into the negativity with S. I'm angry at the distance between my dad and I. I'm angry that he still doesn't give me THE priority and that goes way, way back. I'm angry that my mum is dead. I'm angry that S seems to challenge rather than purely hear me - I need to learn the technique of what it is I want as I think I antogonise people in my working practice in a similar way. It's good learning. I'm angry that my knowledge and anger is being insulted. I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm angry because I have so little time for me every evening and yet I sit chatting for ages and that's time for me. I wonder if A would like to go for a late walk?
I'm angry with myself - for the behaviours that have contributed to the chasm between my dad and I. But I can also be gentle with mysef and remember that I have been unwell for many years. I'm angry that he was the way he was - a bully, unkind at times, rude to my mum, a liar. I am very angry at his lies. His devious lies and his nonsense lies. Oh yes I'm truly angry about that.
I'm angry at being angry.
The thing is I need to let this anger out appropriately. The more I attempt to suppress it, the more opportunity it has to fester and amass into rage. And then rage and fury become destructive. That's what I need to contain. I recognise that S. I agree with you and felt irritated that you pointed it out when I know it anyway. Keep an open mind Bliss. She was pointing out what I wasn't stating.
The need to numb has been a need to contain the raging behaviours I think and also some laziness. Oh yes I'm angry that I'm not studying but truly enjoying not studying. I'm angry for not being better trained and qualified and yet again skating aling trying not to be noticed for being underskilled.
So writing is a tool that can help me express my anger appropriately. It's anger at different levels. I know the desire to rebel is a degree of anger that would suggest it's on the upward tilt.
well as I'm at work I'm going to end this post.
I think some people will think badly of anger. I do not. I embrace it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. Anger is useful and a parallel feeelng with fear. Both are necessary. However, with anger is a destructive force of energy. Necessary on an evolutionary scale. Anger drives the courage to be fearce in the face of danger. Fear provides the adrenalin to run if necessary.
So here is all this anger that has never been directed. I was only ever taught how to numb it out. And I haev a lot. When anger is punctured with trauma and abuse including spiritual abuse such as never being regarded or respected, then it can become explosive. And explosive is very dangerous even murderous - inwardly or outwardly.
So it's good to acknowledge the anger and gy writing and talking I am identifying lots of things that I'm feeling angry about. IN this way I can contain the degree to which it escalates and then it's also easier to monitor the behavioural reactions or atitude.
Thank you God.
Bliss
X
I have been feeling sadness. That's realted to the gaping chasm between us. We are different sides of teh Grand Canyon, shouting across to each other. I don't want to lose that loose connection across the chasm and yet I'm finding it difficult to be heard and noticed. I am trying to hear everything he says but it's sometimes garbled with the echoes or so quiet that other noises distract from the essence of what is being said. I feel sad for the chasm and regret for the part I've played in creating that deep and immense distance between us. It feels as if the journey to be undertaken to get together is too long with the energy and amount of time left. I feel as if I can get there quickly enough. At the same time I cannot rush it when coming across all the things I need to get through the journey; money, food, shelter, support. I want the quick way, a bridge or a plane. At least want to get across and I'm making the effort to keep in contact even when it seems as if he is not saying so much. He stands there anyway, which is a sure sign there is something worthwhile between us. It hurts though. It hurts that he can be so easily distracted away. He has his wife there in the background. I felt jealous that he had brought her to Petersfield and it was even worse that he didn't tell me directly and only became apparent as I asked probing questions. The hurt and the sadness mixed seemed to attenuate as the jealousy took over. It's so much easier to be in some variation of anger. And therefore since yesterday I have been angry. There is a degree of augmenting the anger with S, my colleague. We pick out the negatives in the interactions. I can see with me that some of it is trying to get an assurance that S's playfulness with her and accordance is actually only a placatory thing and not genuine. I am scared of her switching sides. Fear! fear of? Fear of being left alone with my dislike and disapproval. That on my own I will be wrong. There's probably more underlying that. I'm afraid.
But the anger - hmmm. I'm angry with ? I just feel angry. It's like a childish anger that feels free floating and I don't knw what has caused it or where to put it so it keeps landing on every little thing that irritates me. It could be hormonal having had hot flushes a couple of weeks ago and fluttery tummy days last week. Then pain on Sunday night. lus I'm tired. I'm not going to bed early.
On the other hand there are situations that I feel angry about. I feel angry that my employers do not give us the bank holiday that the nation has been given to honour the Queens Diamond jubilee. In reality I am not a royalist although have enjoyed watching some of the pomp and ceremony. I do feel a sense of pride and honour when I see all the royal family and glitz. The Queen is remarkable really. The "pop" concert was actually diabolical in terms of intellectual creativity for me. But I did bop along to one or two of the performers. I really admire the strength of Tom Jones voice and the stardom Kylie Minogue created with her catchy numbers and sexy styles. I noticed that she was alot more subdued in her performance. I cringed at the comedian hosts. I watched it until the end despite being only partially entertained.
And as I said this to S this monring she pointed out that several times I had talked about doing things to numb out. At one point I had said "fuck-it!" and was thinking about buying sugar products. Whilst with A there were various sugar products about and I wanted to help myself. I was afraid though knowing that it wouldn't stop.
What am I angry about that I am feeling a need to suppress it?
I'm angry at not having enough money to be able to afford luxuries like a washing machine. I am angry that my employers do not invest in us at all - training, pay increases, bank holidays, and it feels like injustice so I feel helpless. I feel angry with L's ways of getting at me all the time. It's probably not intentional but little comments seem indirectly derogatory and undermining often. She has a way of being underhand. It's boring in a way. I'm angry that I enter into the negativity with S. I'm angry at the distance between my dad and I. I'm angry that he still doesn't give me THE priority and that goes way, way back. I'm angry that my mum is dead. I'm angry that S seems to challenge rather than purely hear me - I need to learn the technique of what it is I want as I think I antogonise people in my working practice in a similar way. It's good learning. I'm angry that my knowledge and anger is being insulted. I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm angry because I have so little time for me every evening and yet I sit chatting for ages and that's time for me. I wonder if A would like to go for a late walk?
I'm angry with myself - for the behaviours that have contributed to the chasm between my dad and I. But I can also be gentle with mysef and remember that I have been unwell for many years. I'm angry that he was the way he was - a bully, unkind at times, rude to my mum, a liar. I am very angry at his lies. His devious lies and his nonsense lies. Oh yes I'm truly angry about that.
I'm angry at being angry.
The thing is I need to let this anger out appropriately. The more I attempt to suppress it, the more opportunity it has to fester and amass into rage. And then rage and fury become destructive. That's what I need to contain. I recognise that S. I agree with you and felt irritated that you pointed it out when I know it anyway. Keep an open mind Bliss. She was pointing out what I wasn't stating.
The need to numb has been a need to contain the raging behaviours I think and also some laziness. Oh yes I'm angry that I'm not studying but truly enjoying not studying. I'm angry for not being better trained and qualified and yet again skating aling trying not to be noticed for being underskilled.
So writing is a tool that can help me express my anger appropriately. It's anger at different levels. I know the desire to rebel is a degree of anger that would suggest it's on the upward tilt.
well as I'm at work I'm going to end this post.
I think some people will think badly of anger. I do not. I embrace it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. Anger is useful and a parallel feeelng with fear. Both are necessary. However, with anger is a destructive force of energy. Necessary on an evolutionary scale. Anger drives the courage to be fearce in the face of danger. Fear provides the adrenalin to run if necessary.
So here is all this anger that has never been directed. I was only ever taught how to numb it out. And I haev a lot. When anger is punctured with trauma and abuse including spiritual abuse such as never being regarded or respected, then it can become explosive. And explosive is very dangerous even murderous - inwardly or outwardly.
So it's good to acknowledge the anger and gy writing and talking I am identifying lots of things that I'm feeling angry about. IN this way I can contain the degree to which it escalates and then it's also easier to monitor the behavioural reactions or atitude.
Thank you God.
Bliss
X
