Well I had a real nightmare and woke up terrified. I could not wake from the terror. I was awake but truly felt so scared. It took me a while before I could fall asleep again and all that time lying awake feeling so afraid. I could even taste fear. Do you know what I mean? It is a taste I have tasted before. I cannot describe the taste. Thre was a deep inner trembling and the taste. The sensation was in the solar plexus region.
In my dream I had just met with and said goodbye to Andy. My dad called me and angrily asked me if I had been seeing ANdy. I think he was accusing me of "seeing" Andy. I said I had met him but it was just friends. I didn;t think I could get him to beleive me - I have protested similarly far too often and could hear his disbelief. Or maybe I knew I had not been believable from the past. Anyway he told me tat Andy had been in prison sice he and I had broken up. I didn't believe my dad.
The next thing I remember is being in a traffice jam with Andy in the car. I recall feeling some guilt with my dad in mind. Andy jumped out of the car saying he was going to catch up with Mark. Next I was being invited out of my car by the police. They said that Andy had killed Mark, his body having been found. I was taken to safety and was in the toilet of the P surrounded by police. I knew Andy was there too and felt so so scared. At that point he had strayed free to walk past the open door and gave a sideways look. I knew then I was not safe and no one could protect me. i saw a wild look in his eye.
Then I woke up. Each time I think about it I get the taste of fear in my mouth again.
It's interesting. How much fear I felt. And was carrying somewhat. I wrote about it all in a text to a couple of friends and the fear passed. So then I could observe the entire situation and how the fear cold easily overpower me. But relife that sjaring with friends was a way of relieving the fear. Amazing how powerful dreams are and the array of feelings evoked in me.
The day was strange. P was not very present. The last week he has been particularly harsh and it is good that he now has some time off. Sadly it is to clear his mothers house. The packing up I found very difficult and kept putting it off even though my dad was in a hurry. I miss my mum. I was talking about her and re-telling some of her hilarious stories this evening. I think A is right when she says my mum and her mum could have been good friends with so many eccetricities to lead each on with. I smiled at the prospect knowing that my mum was so cheeky.
Anyway, P was clearing his desk and in a hurry to leave. 2 Fridays in a row he was in a hurry to leave. He will be leaving permanently soon.
Equanimity? This is a new concept to me. It is not disinterestedness. It is balance and poise and engagement in this world.
Good fortune and bad fortune - in the middle and poised of this. Funny as this was the NA reading this morning.
"
September 16
"Emotional balance is one of the first results of meditation, and our experience bears this out."
Basic Text p.45
Though each of us defines "emotional balance" a little differently, all of us must find it. Emotional balance can mean finding and maintaining a positive outlook on life, regardless of what may be happening around us. To some, it might mean an understanding of our emotions that allows us to respond, not react, to our feelings. It can mean that we experience our feelings as intensely as we can while also moderating their excessive expression.
Emotional balance comes with practice in prayer and meditation. We get quiet and share our thoughts and hopes and concerns with the God of our understanding. Then we listen for guidance, awaiting the power to act on that direction.
Eventually, our skills in maintaining near-balance get better, and the wild up-and-down emotional swings we used to experience begin to settle. We develop an ability to let others feel their feelings; we have no need to judge them. And we fully embrace our own personal range of emotions.
Just for today: Through regular prayer and meditation, I will discover what emotional balance means to me."
So how strange that JH raised equanimity in his email. A word in the Buddhist tracks I have crossed has not yet been something I am aware of.
JH has said that he doesn't like the idea of equanimity. And he likens it to something he has come across before with Bernie P. I didn't ever like the sound of Bernie P. I am not entirely sure why. I woner what JH has understood by equanimity.
What I am understanding is that there is no negative feelings. All feelings are positive and this means embracing all feelings as human and valid. I do think though that old angers which becme resentments and even rages are dangerous. And so to complete a Step 4 serves the purpose of gradually ridding oneself of resentment.
BUt the emotional balance - or what I am just starting to explore as an understanding of the Buddhist talk I listend to sent by JH, is that by embracing all the emotions and being OK witht hem can contribute to equanimity. For example I think that current anger is a sign that something is not alright. And therefore this helps to identify and set boundaries. This is appropriate of course so long as one is aware that the anger is purely current or as pure as is possible as a human being. If it is loaded with issues fomr the past as well the motive for boundary setting or dealing with the feeling appropriately could be distorted. So anger, sadness, happiness, shame, guilt - blah blah blah
There we are - just for starters. All these emotions are positive in the sense that they are what is part of being human. Bloody Darwin was one of the first to invalidate emotions saying that they are hangoevers from being animals and as such are worthless. Idiot. And of course this informed the world to shut down or supress emotions. Well he was o.
ne of the advocators anyway, amongst others of his equivalents in Uni's etc would be interested.
So I think it is important and OK to bounce around the extremes of my emotions and gradually find what balance is. And just recently I have felt balanced and observant of self. Because of course this is what the entire exercise is about. KNowig my own feelngs and to be able to feedback or challenge without the emotional attachment. I like detaching and continuiong to utlise my emotions to gauge the group.
I am sure equanimity is more complex. I just throve on complexity but actually would prefer not to have to. I can start making my own loving self and although they can't speak back there will be a way - little hints
I think some of the swelling has diminished - hoorah!
Gosh I just remember another dream whereby I was sitting eating lunch with CB. I haven't heard a thing from her for years now!! Poo.
Anyway yes I was sitting with her and ......................... blank. Furthermore I am not sure what triggered the memory. Maybe it was food and me thinking about being fat and gross!
I jeep forgetting what I am thnking - they are good ideas but not coming to the fore of my mind - oh well
I am so so so tired I'm off to bed.
Night all
Bliss
XX
In my dream I had just met with and said goodbye to Andy. My dad called me and angrily asked me if I had been seeing ANdy. I think he was accusing me of "seeing" Andy. I said I had met him but it was just friends. I didn;t think I could get him to beleive me - I have protested similarly far too often and could hear his disbelief. Or maybe I knew I had not been believable from the past. Anyway he told me tat Andy had been in prison sice he and I had broken up. I didn't believe my dad.
The next thing I remember is being in a traffice jam with Andy in the car. I recall feeling some guilt with my dad in mind. Andy jumped out of the car saying he was going to catch up with Mark. Next I was being invited out of my car by the police. They said that Andy had killed Mark, his body having been found. I was taken to safety and was in the toilet of the P surrounded by police. I knew Andy was there too and felt so so scared. At that point he had strayed free to walk past the open door and gave a sideways look. I knew then I was not safe and no one could protect me. i saw a wild look in his eye.
Then I woke up. Each time I think about it I get the taste of fear in my mouth again.
It's interesting. How much fear I felt. And was carrying somewhat. I wrote about it all in a text to a couple of friends and the fear passed. So then I could observe the entire situation and how the fear cold easily overpower me. But relife that sjaring with friends was a way of relieving the fear. Amazing how powerful dreams are and the array of feelings evoked in me.
The day was strange. P was not very present. The last week he has been particularly harsh and it is good that he now has some time off. Sadly it is to clear his mothers house. The packing up I found very difficult and kept putting it off even though my dad was in a hurry. I miss my mum. I was talking about her and re-telling some of her hilarious stories this evening. I think A is right when she says my mum and her mum could have been good friends with so many eccetricities to lead each on with. I smiled at the prospect knowing that my mum was so cheeky.
Anyway, P was clearing his desk and in a hurry to leave. 2 Fridays in a row he was in a hurry to leave. He will be leaving permanently soon.
Equanimity? This is a new concept to me. It is not disinterestedness. It is balance and poise and engagement in this world.
Good fortune and bad fortune - in the middle and poised of this. Funny as this was the NA reading this morning.
"
September 16
Emotional Balance
"Emotional balance is one of the first results of meditation, and our experience bears this out."Basic Text p.45
Though each of us defines "emotional balance" a little differently, all of us must find it. Emotional balance can mean finding and maintaining a positive outlook on life, regardless of what may be happening around us. To some, it might mean an understanding of our emotions that allows us to respond, not react, to our feelings. It can mean that we experience our feelings as intensely as we can while also moderating their excessive expression.
Emotional balance comes with practice in prayer and meditation. We get quiet and share our thoughts and hopes and concerns with the God of our understanding. Then we listen for guidance, awaiting the power to act on that direction.
Eventually, our skills in maintaining near-balance get better, and the wild up-and-down emotional swings we used to experience begin to settle. We develop an ability to let others feel their feelings; we have no need to judge them. And we fully embrace our own personal range of emotions.
Just for today: Through regular prayer and meditation, I will discover what emotional balance means to me."
So how strange that JH raised equanimity in his email. A word in the Buddhist tracks I have crossed has not yet been something I am aware of.
JH has said that he doesn't like the idea of equanimity. And he likens it to something he has come across before with Bernie P. I didn't ever like the sound of Bernie P. I am not entirely sure why. I woner what JH has understood by equanimity.
What I am understanding is that there is no negative feelings. All feelings are positive and this means embracing all feelings as human and valid. I do think though that old angers which becme resentments and even rages are dangerous. And so to complete a Step 4 serves the purpose of gradually ridding oneself of resentment.
BUt the emotional balance - or what I am just starting to explore as an understanding of the Buddhist talk I listend to sent by JH, is that by embracing all the emotions and being OK witht hem can contribute to equanimity. For example I think that current anger is a sign that something is not alright. And therefore this helps to identify and set boundaries. This is appropriate of course so long as one is aware that the anger is purely current or as pure as is possible as a human being. If it is loaded with issues fomr the past as well the motive for boundary setting or dealing with the feeling appropriately could be distorted. So anger, sadness, happiness, shame, guilt - blah blah blah
Mad
|
Bad
|
Sad
|
Glad
|
· Angry (including mildly irritated, annoyed, cross, enraged)
· Insanity
|
· Shame
· Embarrassment
· Guilt
· Envy Fear
· Anxious / nervous
· Disappointed
|
· Grief
· Loss
· Bereft
|
· Joyful
· Ecstatic
· Happy
· Proud
· Content
|
Gosh I just remember another dream whereby I was sitting eating lunch with CB. I haven't heard a thing from her for years now!! Poo.
Anyway yes I was sitting with her and ......................... blank. Furthermore I am not sure what triggered the memory. Maybe it was food and me thinking about being fat and gross!
I jeep forgetting what I am thnking - they are good ideas but not coming to the fore of my mind - oh well
I am so so so tired I'm off to bed.
Night all
Bliss
XX
