I don't know what to do with myself ...
Listening to the first episode of Life and Fate Vasily Grossman - not really listening.
Was going to sketch Lisa but I looked at her beautiful photograph and just can't believe that she is dead. The photo shows her so alive and happy, a big big smile.
Thinking about a film but can't be bothered. I have eaten and just want more. I want someone to be caring for me and wrapping me in loving hugs and parenting me. I feel the vacuum right at this moment of that not existing.
I want to shout it to everyone and someone be able to contain my feelings - to take it away? Perhaps. But more to tell me it's all going to be OK and the nasty stuff is all going to be better in the morning.
I wrote to J ....
"My cousin died today - just 41 and 3 beautiful little girls
Wonder why and at the same time know how to answer that
Wonder why not me when I have invited death and know how to answer that too
I feel sad but don't feel I have a right to as I have stayed at a distance forever.
Grieve the loss of whatever could have been if I hadn't been so distant
Feel angry!
I feel nothing all at the same time"
I feel good that I am aware. Yet I feel so unaware too. It makes no sense and that's just it. It is all so much bigger than me that I am not going to understand the reasons if there even are any. It's the way of the world.
Why her - as if it's unfair and the death of someone else would be more justified. I don't believe that but I feel so confused. So so so confused.
I miss my mum so much. It hurts in my heart.
It doesn't seem right at all.
It doesn't seem to be true at all.
This odd thing of death - people snapped out of my life forever. Not much different than those that were gone - the earliest one being about 5 or 6 years old and my lovely lovely little friend was taken away.
I think that was the first time I felt so heart broken. And it's been a lifetime of heart break amidst adventure and newness and fun and laughter and fear and anger - the wholesome bounty of being alive.
Phew Man! It's full and plentiful being human. The ups and downs of emotions.
Always wanting only to feel good and not pass through the difficulties. Here I am looking at me in feelings that feel inexplicable and painful. Looking at myself.
Oh and I realised today I do not want the Team Leader job at all. All too stressful. perhaps I don't have it in me anymore. Perhaps I just cannot face the demands without feeling stressed. I simply don't like it. And it somehow removes me being in contact enough to do the therapy in the way that I feel most at ease. Nope it's not for me. Not a good career decision but I really don;t want an escalating career. I would like to develop a reputation as a good therapist and that can only occur if I practice therapy.
Listening to the first episode of Life and Fate Vasily Grossman - not really listening.
Was going to sketch Lisa but I looked at her beautiful photograph and just can't believe that she is dead. The photo shows her so alive and happy, a big big smile.
Thinking about a film but can't be bothered. I have eaten and just want more. I want someone to be caring for me and wrapping me in loving hugs and parenting me. I feel the vacuum right at this moment of that not existing.
I want to shout it to everyone and someone be able to contain my feelings - to take it away? Perhaps. But more to tell me it's all going to be OK and the nasty stuff is all going to be better in the morning.
I wrote to J ....
"My cousin died today - just 41 and 3 beautiful little girls
Wonder why and at the same time know how to answer that
Wonder why not me when I have invited death and know how to answer that too
I feel sad but don't feel I have a right to as I have stayed at a distance forever.
Grieve the loss of whatever could have been if I hadn't been so distant
Feel angry!
I feel nothing all at the same time"
I feel good that I am aware. Yet I feel so unaware too. It makes no sense and that's just it. It is all so much bigger than me that I am not going to understand the reasons if there even are any. It's the way of the world.
Why her - as if it's unfair and the death of someone else would be more justified. I don't believe that but I feel so confused. So so so confused.
I miss my mum so much. It hurts in my heart.
It doesn't seem right at all.
It doesn't seem to be true at all.
This odd thing of death - people snapped out of my life forever. Not much different than those that were gone - the earliest one being about 5 or 6 years old and my lovely lovely little friend was taken away.
I think that was the first time I felt so heart broken. And it's been a lifetime of heart break amidst adventure and newness and fun and laughter and fear and anger - the wholesome bounty of being alive.
Phew Man! It's full and plentiful being human. The ups and downs of emotions.
Always wanting only to feel good and not pass through the difficulties. Here I am looking at me in feelings that feel inexplicable and painful. Looking at myself.
Oh and I realised today I do not want the Team Leader job at all. All too stressful. perhaps I don't have it in me anymore. Perhaps I just cannot face the demands without feeling stressed. I simply don't like it. And it somehow removes me being in contact enough to do the therapy in the way that I feel most at ease. Nope it's not for me. Not a good career decision but I really don;t want an escalating career. I would like to develop a reputation as a good therapist and that can only occur if I practice therapy.
