Kinky Kinks

Dirty old river, must you keep rolling
Flowing into the night
People so busy, makes me feel dizzy
Taxi light shines so bright
But I don't need no friends
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Terry meets Julie, Waterloo Station
Every Friday night
But I am so lazy, don't want to wander
I stay at home at night
But I don't feel afraid
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Millions of people swarming like flies 'round Waterloo underground
But Terry and Julie cross over the river
Where they feel safe and sound
And they don't need no friends
As long as they gaze on Waterloo sunset
They are in paradise

Waterloo sunset's fine

Timeliness

It is wisdom that enables letting go of a lesser happiness in pursuit of a happiness which is greater.
Dhammapada v.290

Ajahn Munindo's contemplations of this.
The filters of our preferences tragically limit our seeing. We want to let go of that which binds us but often our will fails us. Wise reflection can support will - it is will's best friend. Will is not meant to do it alone. The verse encourages us to reflect on how letting go of our attachment to a lesser happiness can lead to gaining a greater happiness. Lost in our attachments, we can see only that which we stand to lose by letting go. Wise thinking means we see what we stand to lose as well as what we stand to gain. Wise reflection opens and broadens our vision and enables pursuit of the goal.

Yes I read and I understand what is being said. Something though that still comes to mind is that to let go some of the emotions need to be acknowledged and understood and worked through. Otherwise the letting go means not learning about self and my part in the attachment and also the patterns of behaviour. In letting go what I would like to be able to do is change my own patterns. That will mean that I will not move on to another person, place or situation in a similar pattern.
Also the extent of the attachment as with my father is my entire life. And by meeting the difficulties head on I can feel there is room for healing and letting go without just trying to forget and move on. It will be a completed transaction in a way. I am beginning to feel that. I have expressed my feelings and can start the forgiveness now. He knows how I have felt and there is no need for anything to change from here on, but my truth is out there. Oh yes I feel the healing starting. And then I can start to let go and move on. With each letting go comes a lot of work beforehand. If the work isn't done it's not a letting go it's merely and ignoring. I suppose people will do that work in different ways and to different to depths. The deeper the work the more complete the letting go in my own opinion. I see that time and again. It doesn't mean anything at all needs to change in the person, place or situation. The change is within.
The better practiced the easier. There is nothing as great as the troublesome relationship I have had with my father. And if I can move further and further away from that with each boundary, each change I make in me then I am better equipped to step along the spiritual path. My father will no longer be my Higher Power. The way, the path, can be my Higher Power. I am developing trust.
So this experience was emotionally incredibly difficult but I have survived despite wanting to be dead.
I hope now that  can learn to manage the bi-polar. Embrace the alertness to the world it brings in the manic phases. And learn to stay safe in the depressive phases. The desire to be dead is a problem!

So my wisdom is coming through knowing I need to let go but before I can I have to let go of not just the bigger picture which is the ultimate aim but each little detail in between.

Ajahn Munindo himself says that knowing what we should do, i.e. letting go is not always helpful. But to become aware of clinging and looking into what this experience is like consciousl is more helpful. Then we can work towards letting go.

I give thanks to the Buddha and to the monks that continue to follow his path to enlightenment and share their wisdom with me

Bliss
XX

Universe thank you for bringing this far and please help me to continue along this path of letting go of attachment to people, places and things. But to appreciate everything whilst I am in that moment.
X

Peace of the earlyness

 PD May2011

I don't know where to begin!
I met my dad. It was so difficult. I was so close to tears from the off-set that I had to maintain this strong boundary and not get too caught up in emotional content. But he kept pushing buttons and eventually we started going through the photos. He said he was finding it difficult. This enabled me to say how it had been for me too. He asked if I would trust him to take them all home and him go through them at home. I said not really. I reminded him several times that he had actually thrown them all out and I asked him why. He said that it was all the shock at the time and he still cannot look at mum's photos easily. It hurts so much. I didn't see the hurt. We were able to start talking about some of the photos when I asked who this was or where that was etc.
I was very tearful.
As we left he said sorry as he could see that was difficult for me. I said it wasn't just the photos it was a lifetime of difficulty.
.... to be honest I can't be bothered to write it all down now.
A lot was said. I agreed that I had been a lot of trouble. And I also said that I had a lot of memories from childhood - I talked about wanting to be loved by him but never feeling good enough through the messages I have received. Blah blah blah.
This was all in the car park of the silly restaurant that we meet up at. It felt as if it was a chore for him anyway and only because I had become upset on the phone with him.
It would be wonderful to be wanted by him. That has always been missing. At one point he did say that if I felt that it had always been so difficult then maybe we should cut contact. Bloody hell that hurt. If I had wanted to do that I would have done it by now. And here he was saying that we should, when I have felt certain that he has wanted to do that. In fact I think he very nearly did having moved and only telling me some weeks later.
He said that he had to go because he felt dreadful. I said I did too which was unnecessary to say.
He just phoned to wish me a happy birthday. I asked how he is. He replied saying that he hadn't slept at all, which is of course an exaggeration as when I said I had been up since 6:30 and walked this morning in the early morning peace he laughed that he can't do that anymore and had only just got up. 9:15. Anyway we did leave. I felt terrible. I wondered what the hell I had done. I couldn't get much further than the other side of the A3. I had to pull over. I sat there for probably an hour crying and arguing why I should not walk n front of a lorry on the A3. I thought if I jumped into it I would certainly die with their high speed. I really wanted to die, not a cry for help or a gesture. Just to be dead and end all of this fucking nonsense. I contemplated this amidst tears and wondering if I had made it all up, If the bi-polar in fact makes me misconceive things and it's all about me yet he had uttered those words again about knowing he was a terrible father. My mind was so racing that I could not think of any specific examples just general feelings and so I thought I was just selfish and thoughtless. I thought I had done it all wrong. I sent a text to SC saying so and apologising that I was texting on a Sunday. I was in absolute turmoil and fighting with myself about living or dieing. Then I decided not to for the time being and instead just drive - just keep driving with nothing more than I have and disappear. I knew LouLou would be loved and looked after - there is no possession that I need. I could just start driving there and then. And at that moment my phone rang. It was my dad. He wanted to know where I was, I told him. Of course I had wanted him to have come looking for me. He didn't obviously. He said he was sorry, that he knew there were problems and that we would meet very soon and talk about things. During his call this morning I didn't get that feeling that it was going to happen as his words had changed and he was saying that he can't change the past but could make amends in the future. Maybe he is following some spiritual path now, who knows? He wouldn't tell me if he was. And I am still angry about the past. I have to deal with that anger elsewhere. When I mention my anger immediately JH comes to mind and the contempt he felt about anger. He didn't like anger and implied that he had looked at it and let go. So when I acknowledge my anger and own it I feel shame, as if it's wrong. I am sure it is not just JH's attitude that provokes this shame but many similar messages throughout the years. The Victorian era was of course all about self containment and expression of self was curbed. Since then it's evolved into complete suppression. And hence it builds up. I have years of anger bursting out of me now. Clean and sober of most things this year and the strong of events of my life all leading to the explosion and expression of this anger. Containing it is necessary and I am not so good at that. So when my dad talked about making amends I feel so hurt that it has taken me to express all these things and also the anger has a vent now.
So his call calmed me and suddenly I wondered if the belief that I had done it wrong and was possibly monumental afterburn. I had said things I have never said. I was accusational at times. I was able to apologise for the way it all blurted out. Anyway lets see what happens. This morning in his call he excused himself of the threat. The threat was not a threat of violence, he explained. I asked what "or else meat"? And he replied that he was going to say he wouldn't bother to ask me anymore about the photos but I cut him short. Which of course I did no such thing but it would be impossible for him to sit with the fact that he used a threatening manner. I feel guilty and wrong for having pointed it out yet I know rationally I am just stating the boundaries I have and it's revealing truths which no one likes. My problem is that I get very emotional around it because I am sacred of losing the person as well. It may well end up that way. At one point I do recall pointing out that he is the father and that's all I have ever wanted. I don't recall with what statement of argument that was in connection with. He asked what I wanted him to do at another point and I suggested that eh could some and meet my therapist with me. Of course he balked at the idea, reminding me that he doesn't believe in them. Which of course means he doesn't believe in what I am doing for my work. That's his prerogative of course but more reason for me to know he has no respect for my work.

I went and collected LouLou, with flowers and chocolates as a way of saying sorry explaining that I had had an "to do" with my dad. I am sure my puffy eyes were a give away. I texted ML and she was very good at keeping me focused on contacting professional support. I had thrown away the out of hours number. I tried to get it from answer machines etc but no joy. I spoke later with AM as I knew that I was putting a lot on ML and she is not feeling so good herself right at the moment. AM listened and was amazed at what I have done. I cried some more as it was the first time of uttering a sound for hours and otherwise it had all been whirring around my head. It still is, and now out through my finger tips too.
I was definitely manic. I could feel and when out walking I was thinking rapidly and busy wilst walking. I wondered if this was started by the texting every thought and experience last year to JH. It was amazing to be able to do that and someone seemed interested. Maybe though it developed an addiction or was it the reappearance of manic phases coming back more and more? Because here I am wantng to share mnute by minute little details. Poor ML. How can I do that differently so that I am not a bother to people. I have this flipping blog but this is a splurge of thoughts and feelings and descriptions. The minute by minute experiences. What shall I do with those? Maybe that's why Stephen Fry uses Twitter. It would make sense. But it's also knowing someone has read and absorbed the thoughts - that's important too. Wanting to be known and heard.

So I channeled the energy into a sketch for PD. As above. I realised I thought yet again I was better than I actually was. Ideas of grandeur that PD can start putting up some erotic art created by me. Who the hell do I think I am? In the words of Bob Marley. I can feel the hyper mood today as well. And channelling that into study is difficult. I want to read lots of information about different thigns. I want to sketch. I want more than one thing, I want everything.

Anyway study I must ....

Meeting at AB's at 3:30 with AB, RB, KM and ML for a walk. Then back for yummy scrummy chocolate cake. Then later we will go to the Indian restaurant with GB as well for a lovely meal. Nice!

I have added this as teh Universe sent it to me and this I must remember. My dad is a mere human being with his own shortcomings and his own childhood that was screwed up. He had little direction of good parenting. Then on top of that he was a military man through and through. I understand and can say this to him. It's just hurting me as I want my dad. I will phone him and say this to him.

I'll love you no matter which path you choose, Bliss, and more, I'll be there ahead of you.
We one,
    The Universe

Happy 30th May everyone
Bliss
XX


ps I phoned my dad and although it was awkward for him I simply said that I do not blame him at all. I want to explain that further some time. But right now it was important for him to know I do not blame him. I understand.
x

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Bliss,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!
A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Bliss doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.
Quite simply:
You're the kind of person, Bliss,
Who's hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you've met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don't know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!
 Bliss, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Bliss!
The Universe
PS - Bliss, this is going to be YOUR year!!