I just want to share that every so often sadness and loss washes over me and it can briefly be so very overwhelming that I have a moment of thinking what's the point. It's fleeting thank goodness. And have a change within me that challenges the instant thought of going down into the bleak blackness.
This feeling of just not wanting to carry on washes over me with the overhwlming sadness and remorse. I feel so sorry for the "shit" that I brought to my mum and dad. No wonder my dad didn't like me. How do I ever say sorry? I continue some of the "shit" with one unsatisfactory male connection after another. Accepting what's not acceptable from the very start because I am just grateful that someone shows an interest in me. I know that they are nor suitable but think I can overlook those things so long as the attention is given. But very soon I ralise that I cannot overlook those things especially as really those ar the things most prominent in reality. The things that are the attention are just the niceties of courting and flirting. What I am sofening on is that I have to discover this and usually know within 6 to 9 months and then can be honest and leave the relationship. That is something my dad would never give me the benefit of the doubt that I will discover and move on. So I stayed in it because I was too scared to leave. As if leaving a relationship is a crime. It's what it's all about - discovery and making choices. He on the other hand committed to my mum and stayed regardless ad similar probably with T, although perhaps he was really happy. I hope so.
I watched Mumfoird & Sons. A first experience despite hearing some of the songs subliminally. They were phonemenal last night. Energetic, folk, good lyrics. I think I spotted a look of being out of it in a couple of them and that made me feel sad. I felt sad because really my journey through adulthood has been " a bit if a train crash" to use an anology I really don't like. It's been a lot of muddle and often left a lot of people marred. I feel so sad about this right now. I was reminded by my sponsor that I have my Highper Power. I took 15 mins of quiet time this morning and saw how busy my thoughts are. No moments of silence at all. I smile as I know it takes more practice than the zero I've put into ti. I pray for the willingness to take quiet time. And I know that this might bring me some quiet with the sorrow that I'm feeling.
It just feels as if it's been a lot of adventure but with this underlying focus on being too fat ad ugly and not good enough. I remember being with M and not having any worries about liking music that was diffrent from his choice. But there was an arrogance of not thinking he was choosing good stuff. But I did want to sound "cool" with JP. He was cooler and more discerning and so I listende to what he liked. Now what's that about. And it mattered more what he thought of my choices. I bought albums that he liked. The person Iw as with would never be a good choice. That was a part of it. That's what my dad was like with my mum and I. We weren't good enough, everyone else was who he wanted to be like or admired to the point of idolisation until they showed their flaws and then he would drop them. He was so easily let down.
Anyway I really need to get on with some studying.
Oh a couple of hours chat with LW - no sex talk ad he was very very tired. I wonder what this is all about?? Baffling. He talked abnout being a grumpy man. Typical! I didn't like what I heard about his grumpiness with his sons. Tiredness and irritability are one thing. Acting out on it are another thing. He was quite right though in his understanding of his not knowing how to be the father to them having had not guidance himself as a child. Where does the learning come from without role models?
I had a friendly text from G too. Just when I'm constantly sitting with the loneliness I suddenly get contact from men. Anyway it was just funny banter and then I responded and he stopped. I think that's usual for him. It would be nice if we can be friendly. I know for sure I do not want aything more than that!!
I would quite like to be able to hand over his things from my car.
I am debt free I was able to say this morning. And heard myself saying that I've sort of created all that I always thought about. No real responsibility of a property. I living in rented accommodation. It's plenty big enough for LouLou and I and wonderful views. The sunset colours last night were stunning. And it's peaceful. I have my own front door, well a rented one. It's my own space rented from someone else and after all I can't take it with me and have no one to leave things to as in chidlren so what's the problem. I can't afford to travel as I'd like to and I can't afford to just buy things as I'd like to. I will probably need to take a loan to buy a new car at some point. i don;t want to be travelling so may miles as I do but that's the way it is to get to the job that gives me the income and a lot of relaxed freedom. I hope PD and I make it work.
What else? I don't know if there is any more.
I have absolutely loved the Glastonbury Beeb 2 highlights. Mumford and Sons were a sheer delight of an experience for me. Nick Cave as usual grabs something deep in my soul. Le Freak by Chic was good to watch. What is it about a man like Nial Rogers that is so beguiling by his look and the way he moves. God it's a sexy move. And black men like him. I find it very compelling viewing. Arctic Monkeys were brilliant. The Rolling Stones - how I wished I'd been there. Yes indeed some good acts. I would like to have been there very much. A dry Glastonbury as well. That would make it all the better! If I have a spare £200 odd next year then perhaps I'll go. Am I too old for the camping. When I start thinking of my numbers I wonder what the hell I'm thinking of but when I start thinking I just love the atmosphere and the music I don't give a damn about my age!!
I really do love music and dancing. It's good to move. I wanna move my body. Hopefully Tone will want to stay out for the first night at Uni and if we find somewhere for ML's birthday on the Tuesday it'll be a chance to move and laugh and try not to be self conscious OR on the "lookout". Just relax and enjoy being me. I need to keep turning away from those thoughts of "hmm, he's nice" or "he's looking" or "is he available?" etc etc.
I would like to meet someone who is on a spiritual journey and where we can meet with values principles and morals. Someone who is patient with me and loves me and is available to be loved. Someone who is comfortably off financially and not worried about me not having any money. Someone who has interest and is inspiring, someone who is not judgemental overly but has an open minded way with opinions. Someone who is presentable and attractive but not a flirt or vain. Someone who is loving, giving and sociable. Someone who likes to laugh and has a good humour, intelligent and bright. Someone who is emotionally intelligent and manages their emotions well, someone who may even be beyond the damage of the past at least moving out of it and taking responsibility for themself and being accountable today. Someone who won't mind that I make lots of mistakes with this. And someone who will tolerate me learning to tolerate them.
I'd like to meet someone handsome actually and with money and with all the other qualities and even more than those that I haven't thought of to list. Someone who enjoys music and going out. Someone who likes to travel and can afford for him and I to travel together. Someone who supports my food plan and recovery and someone who is secure int hemselves and good at reaassuing me about them. Someone who is decent and honourable and sexily comfotable with themselves and is happy to gently experiment.
I am looking for this man. And also I'd like this man to be accessible location wise.
Are you there Mr? I believe you are. How are we going to find each other? It would be nice if you were looking for me too? Hey you? Over here .....
Bliss
XX
This feeling of just not wanting to carry on washes over me with the overhwlming sadness and remorse. I feel so sorry for the "shit" that I brought to my mum and dad. No wonder my dad didn't like me. How do I ever say sorry? I continue some of the "shit" with one unsatisfactory male connection after another. Accepting what's not acceptable from the very start because I am just grateful that someone shows an interest in me. I know that they are nor suitable but think I can overlook those things so long as the attention is given. But very soon I ralise that I cannot overlook those things especially as really those ar the things most prominent in reality. The things that are the attention are just the niceties of courting and flirting. What I am sofening on is that I have to discover this and usually know within 6 to 9 months and then can be honest and leave the relationship. That is something my dad would never give me the benefit of the doubt that I will discover and move on. So I stayed in it because I was too scared to leave. As if leaving a relationship is a crime. It's what it's all about - discovery and making choices. He on the other hand committed to my mum and stayed regardless ad similar probably with T, although perhaps he was really happy. I hope so.
I watched Mumfoird & Sons. A first experience despite hearing some of the songs subliminally. They were phonemenal last night. Energetic, folk, good lyrics. I think I spotted a look of being out of it in a couple of them and that made me feel sad. I felt sad because really my journey through adulthood has been " a bit if a train crash" to use an anology I really don't like. It's been a lot of muddle and often left a lot of people marred. I feel so sad about this right now. I was reminded by my sponsor that I have my Highper Power. I took 15 mins of quiet time this morning and saw how busy my thoughts are. No moments of silence at all. I smile as I know it takes more practice than the zero I've put into ti. I pray for the willingness to take quiet time. And I know that this might bring me some quiet with the sorrow that I'm feeling.
It just feels as if it's been a lot of adventure but with this underlying focus on being too fat ad ugly and not good enough. I remember being with M and not having any worries about liking music that was diffrent from his choice. But there was an arrogance of not thinking he was choosing good stuff. But I did want to sound "cool" with JP. He was cooler and more discerning and so I listende to what he liked. Now what's that about. And it mattered more what he thought of my choices. I bought albums that he liked. The person Iw as with would never be a good choice. That was a part of it. That's what my dad was like with my mum and I. We weren't good enough, everyone else was who he wanted to be like or admired to the point of idolisation until they showed their flaws and then he would drop them. He was so easily let down.
Anyway I really need to get on with some studying.
Oh a couple of hours chat with LW - no sex talk ad he was very very tired. I wonder what this is all about?? Baffling. He talked abnout being a grumpy man. Typical! I didn't like what I heard about his grumpiness with his sons. Tiredness and irritability are one thing. Acting out on it are another thing. He was quite right though in his understanding of his not knowing how to be the father to them having had not guidance himself as a child. Where does the learning come from without role models?
I had a friendly text from G too. Just when I'm constantly sitting with the loneliness I suddenly get contact from men. Anyway it was just funny banter and then I responded and he stopped. I think that's usual for him. It would be nice if we can be friendly. I know for sure I do not want aything more than that!!
I would quite like to be able to hand over his things from my car.
I am debt free I was able to say this morning. And heard myself saying that I've sort of created all that I always thought about. No real responsibility of a property. I living in rented accommodation. It's plenty big enough for LouLou and I and wonderful views. The sunset colours last night were stunning. And it's peaceful. I have my own front door, well a rented one. It's my own space rented from someone else and after all I can't take it with me and have no one to leave things to as in chidlren so what's the problem. I can't afford to travel as I'd like to and I can't afford to just buy things as I'd like to. I will probably need to take a loan to buy a new car at some point. i don;t want to be travelling so may miles as I do but that's the way it is to get to the job that gives me the income and a lot of relaxed freedom. I hope PD and I make it work.
What else? I don't know if there is any more.
I have absolutely loved the Glastonbury Beeb 2 highlights. Mumford and Sons were a sheer delight of an experience for me. Nick Cave as usual grabs something deep in my soul. Le Freak by Chic was good to watch. What is it about a man like Nial Rogers that is so beguiling by his look and the way he moves. God it's a sexy move. And black men like him. I find it very compelling viewing. Arctic Monkeys were brilliant. The Rolling Stones - how I wished I'd been there. Yes indeed some good acts. I would like to have been there very much. A dry Glastonbury as well. That would make it all the better! If I have a spare £200 odd next year then perhaps I'll go. Am I too old for the camping. When I start thinking of my numbers I wonder what the hell I'm thinking of but when I start thinking I just love the atmosphere and the music I don't give a damn about my age!!
I really do love music and dancing. It's good to move. I wanna move my body. Hopefully Tone will want to stay out for the first night at Uni and if we find somewhere for ML's birthday on the Tuesday it'll be a chance to move and laugh and try not to be self conscious OR on the "lookout". Just relax and enjoy being me. I need to keep turning away from those thoughts of "hmm, he's nice" or "he's looking" or "is he available?" etc etc.
I would like to meet someone who is on a spiritual journey and where we can meet with values principles and morals. Someone who is patient with me and loves me and is available to be loved. Someone who is comfortably off financially and not worried about me not having any money. Someone who has interest and is inspiring, someone who is not judgemental overly but has an open minded way with opinions. Someone who is presentable and attractive but not a flirt or vain. Someone who is loving, giving and sociable. Someone who likes to laugh and has a good humour, intelligent and bright. Someone who is emotionally intelligent and manages their emotions well, someone who may even be beyond the damage of the past at least moving out of it and taking responsibility for themself and being accountable today. Someone who won't mind that I make lots of mistakes with this. And someone who will tolerate me learning to tolerate them.
I'd like to meet someone handsome actually and with money and with all the other qualities and even more than those that I haven't thought of to list. Someone who enjoys music and going out. Someone who likes to travel and can afford for him and I to travel together. Someone who supports my food plan and recovery and someone who is secure int hemselves and good at reaassuing me about them. Someone who is decent and honourable and sexily comfotable with themselves and is happy to gently experiment.
I am looking for this man. And also I'd like this man to be accessible location wise.
Are you there Mr? I believe you are. How are we going to find each other? It would be nice if you were looking for me too? Hey you? Over here .....
Bliss
XX
