I am really not sure I can do my job. It's now two weeks since I started. I am not just not able to make the themes - I think it's actually a problem in general I have - making connections and creating threads. I think I have a mental agility problem.
Is it necessary to have that to help people get well? I don't know if I can find my style. I definitely can focus on feelings. I can practice and prepare lectures and workshops. Perhaps I need to focus on some of those to gain some confidence. As usual preparation is so so important. I know I can do this but for some reason I am feeling so lacking in any confidence. I realise I am very dependent on approval from P. He is judgemental and shows his likes and dislikes - he is o unbiasedut perhaps that's just me because actually he expects a high standard of work and why not. I am just not high standard.
pheeeeeeewwwwwww - I don'tknow if I have the energy to carry on for long. I can feel the tension that can easily turn into to burn out - depression.
I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts. I think I was feeling very sensitive yesterday after a very tough day. Then when I got to A's she and I had a complete misunderstading. A thought I didn't want to stay and I thought she wanted me to go as she was standing int he doorway. The evening before A was saying that I shouldn;t feel obliged to stay and chat. My thoughts on what are happened are this - A was trying to read into things and decided to take it upon herself to make it OK for me not to stay and chat when actually I like staying and chatting. I also wondered if perhaps she wanted me out of the way so that a drink without any guilt was possible - yet I have no issue with anyone drinking. I can see that it's a real issue especially if it does come between other things. All that happens is as the drunkeness starts to move in I leave as there is little of the real person there to enjoy. And then I thought the reason A said she wouldn;t be around in the morning was because she might be tired after an evening drinking and not want me to see her. Mind you I am also aware that I get there very early now and it's a real intrusion on A's mornings. I wouold totally understand if she didn't want to get up or chat or both. Anyway, I came home feeling every rejected and a mind full of reasons why I wasn't good enough or a nuisance. Amidst the thoughts that I aroused anger towards A. The mix anger towards me then A then me. It always ends up with it being against me - I am a nuisance, too intrusive, taking advantage etc etc etc. This on top of feeling inadequate at work and very tired - well it escalated without an obvious dramatic development until this morning I just felt worthless, too scared to let anyone know (pride) and ....... shit I didn;t say goodbye to the client who is leaving this weekend. I wish I had made a point of it. Why did I just walk out like that without going over and wishing him well. I hope he returns to Aftercare.
Shit I am doing that on Tuesday with I I do believe.
Blah blah feeling too exhusted by my thinking. The truth is I am not certain about the future. I feel too proud to say it to anyone right now. I can say it on my blog. It's me and it's mine and I can.
Patterns I have observed about myself - oh that's apart from this complete lack of self belief.
- Blimey can't remember them now - knew I would forget. I am very very forgetful these last two days. So maybe some of my sudden mood change - even suicidal this morning - is linked with hormonal manoeuvres in the dark depths within!!!
Right I will try and write more tomorrow as I am very very very very tired of myself!
Night
Is it necessary to have that to help people get well? I don't know if I can find my style. I definitely can focus on feelings. I can practice and prepare lectures and workshops. Perhaps I need to focus on some of those to gain some confidence. As usual preparation is so so important. I know I can do this but for some reason I am feeling so lacking in any confidence. I realise I am very dependent on approval from P. He is judgemental and shows his likes and dislikes - he is o unbiasedut perhaps that's just me because actually he expects a high standard of work and why not. I am just not high standard.
pheeeeeeewwwwwww - I don'tknow if I have the energy to carry on for long. I can feel the tension that can easily turn into to burn out - depression.
I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts. I think I was feeling very sensitive yesterday after a very tough day. Then when I got to A's she and I had a complete misunderstading. A thought I didn't want to stay and I thought she wanted me to go as she was standing int he doorway. The evening before A was saying that I shouldn;t feel obliged to stay and chat. My thoughts on what are happened are this - A was trying to read into things and decided to take it upon herself to make it OK for me not to stay and chat when actually I like staying and chatting. I also wondered if perhaps she wanted me out of the way so that a drink without any guilt was possible - yet I have no issue with anyone drinking. I can see that it's a real issue especially if it does come between other things. All that happens is as the drunkeness starts to move in I leave as there is little of the real person there to enjoy. And then I thought the reason A said she wouldn;t be around in the morning was because she might be tired after an evening drinking and not want me to see her. Mind you I am also aware that I get there very early now and it's a real intrusion on A's mornings. I wouold totally understand if she didn't want to get up or chat or both. Anyway, I came home feeling every rejected and a mind full of reasons why I wasn't good enough or a nuisance. Amidst the thoughts that I aroused anger towards A. The mix anger towards me then A then me. It always ends up with it being against me - I am a nuisance, too intrusive, taking advantage etc etc etc. This on top of feeling inadequate at work and very tired - well it escalated without an obvious dramatic development until this morning I just felt worthless, too scared to let anyone know (pride) and ....... shit I didn;t say goodbye to the client who is leaving this weekend. I wish I had made a point of it. Why did I just walk out like that without going over and wishing him well. I hope he returns to Aftercare.
Shit I am doing that on Tuesday with I I do believe.
Blah blah feeling too exhusted by my thinking. The truth is I am not certain about the future. I feel too proud to say it to anyone right now. I can say it on my blog. It's me and it's mine and I can.
Patterns I have observed about myself - oh that's apart from this complete lack of self belief.
- Blimey can't remember them now - knew I would forget. I am very very forgetful these last two days. So maybe some of my sudden mood change - even suicidal this morning - is linked with hormonal manoeuvres in the dark depths within!!!
Right I will try and write more tomorrow as I am very very very very tired of myself!
Night
