Words of a song - actually couldn't decide whether I like the singer or not which means I probably don't. A lot of the female singers these days leave me unable to determine whether I like them or not. I think they all sound so similar. Some lyrics stand out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VA8uaumikU Kirsten Hersh - actually re listening to her it's not bad. But it's all the same pace - mmmm not being inspired really
AB recommended Rumer - she sounds very much like Karen Carpenter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxBTLzMEsrU&feature=related
ET recommended Duffy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ5-L9znt8 - wow powerful lyrics. And there is something slightly different about her in a familiar way though. I think I relate with the pain of her song more than enjoy the song itself. Let's try another ..nah - boring voice - always the same!
Ha ha ha Francoise Hardy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aLoezucIzk&feature=related
Wouldn't you think writing a Blog would make things easier to locate. Uh uh. I cannot not locate something I wrote about.
Last night I spoke with JH. Gosh it's so painful. I want to be with all the wonderful things about JH I love so much. I feel such loss. I keep thinking this is such a big mistake, that if he can do things differently and if I can bear all the things I am struggling with. I truly believe we can get through things together. But his emotional attachment elsewhere is too big for me at this stage in my own development. It's seeming too big for us. He is unable to hold me within it all as well. I wanted him to be able to hold me but he has too much of his own to hold. God! my heart is broken.
The funny thing is that I think because he and I have been so close he will not believe the things I say that I see. He will think there is an agenda. I can see the ways in which he is drawn and I felt them so strongly and how he is not giving himself a proper chance to get to the point of emotional acceptance. He just isn't ready yet to make the necessary changes. He is holding on holding on.
Well its not surprising - not wanting to lose something and then compromising so as not to lose everything. Painful. Same feelings and thinking I am going through but not with decades of togetherness as well.
And then I think actually he is probably relieved - that he didn't really ever feel strongly for me anyway. After all we met under such murky conditions and all so fleeting. And he says he has never done what he has done like he has with me - flying over here I know he was referring to.
I feel angry - it's not with JH. I don't know where to put the anger though. I want to put it on him but it's not his fault. He is where he is and how he is. It's not his fault he isn't available to love me the way I want him to. I am angry and so it turns inwards. I can feel it.
Poo my tyre is completely flat. Phew Tim has offered t help me put on the spare. Damn thee are no tyre places open today. The one in Farnham is the one I trust. I should have sorted it out when it was just a slow puncture. Damn my disorganisation. I am at work most of my days and it is so frustrating. I have so little time and when I do I am feeling exhausted. I do not like this energy rain I am in at the moment. Please God can you lift it from me and keep it away forever.
I was talking with a friend about how people say we can whatever we want. The Universe says this. Think about whatever it is and already you are beginning to manifest it. I agree with having ambition and desire and by thinking about things we can start to put things in place.
But I want my mum to be alive and I cannot have that. I want my dad to get honest and love me, I want my cousin to not have Cancer. I want JH to be able to love me fully and openly.
See wanting all these things is not meaning that they will manifest as I want them to. It's bullshit.
What I do know is that whatever happens in life and death I will be OK. It might hurt, or disappoint or even a host of feelings that seem difficult at the time BUT whatever they are I will be OK - in that I have faith.
Ugh God please release me from this pain. I want to feel OK NOW!!!!!!! I am truly broken hearted and it hurts like hell. I cant be bothered to do anything and yet I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
So JH suggested we speak next weekend. It seems so horrid - so long apart. I miss him. Everything seems OK for him - he still has all the things that are truly important to him around him.He can keep trying to hang onto them and not make changes. He says he wants to change. I know how difficult that is. I truly understand.
Make the transition from lovers to friends. Phew that's hard.
It's somehow an easier relationship in the long run maybe. It's certainly easy with Andy and John. I am not attached in a particular way. ML ET AB AM - well the friendships are true love. We fight at times in our own ways but they are totally dependable. They are them and I am me. That has taken time to develop. Perhaps JH and I got involved all too quickly and so didn't allow the friendship to develop at all and know whether we really like and love each other. There are many things I like and love I just am not OK with the emotional situation and how he has treated women albeit he hasn't realised what he has been doing.
As Duffy says you are very loving but you don't love me. Phew I wanted him to love me as I love him. We could have been great together.
I hope we can be great friends instead.
I am hurting so damned much - when will this go away.
Right bath then wait for Tim then late arrival at ML's for dahl lunch.
Oh and did i tell you how much physical pain I am in. It's difficult to find things to be grateful for when in physical pain. I am not OK with this physical pain. Something needs to go away.
Oh I bet JH is relieved now that he doesn't have to deal with a person he considered to be mental!!!! That's my anger and how hurt I am about his opinion shared with another stranger. I am still really fucked off about that. It's my own issue I know. The ignorance of people around depression. Not being ignorant just not knowing. But instead of talking to me about my private business he chose to speak to an ex flirt. Damn that pisses me off. Not a close friend another of the women he has met in passing. Phew that stinks. I wouldn't dream of talking to a person any less than the most important people who I really know and can rely on with privacy and integrity - not some flit by night contact however long they have been talking. Bollocks to that!!
I am sure I am over angry about this because it's somewhere to flip out my anger - I need a fucking release for this anger.
And then I think anyone reading this will have something to comment about anger - well yes I am angry!! And I am bloody pleased that I am able to acknowledge it and let it out. So many people think anger is not allowed and bad. Anger is absolutely appropriate and needs to be accepted and let out. Otherwise it stays in a stews. Anyone who says they are not angry is lieing to themselves..
Check out the research if you don't believe me.
Anyway who cares if people judge me harshly or negatively - if they do they don't know me. I am wholesome. Sensitive. Spirited. And proud of it. Wholesome by the way means yin and yang. black and white, positive and negative, good and bad. I accept that in me and there is a relief in that. Not trying to act as if I am perfect. Far from it just working towards it until the day I die.
Bliss
x
AB recommended Rumer - she sounds very much like Karen Carpenter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxBTLzMEsrU&feature=related
ET recommended Duffy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ5-L9znt8 - wow powerful lyrics. And there is something slightly different about her in a familiar way though. I think I relate with the pain of her song more than enjoy the song itself. Let's try another ..nah - boring voice - always the same!
Ha ha ha Francoise Hardy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aLoezucIzk&feature=related
Wouldn't you think writing a Blog would make things easier to locate. Uh uh. I cannot not locate something I wrote about.
Last night I spoke with JH. Gosh it's so painful. I want to be with all the wonderful things about JH I love so much. I feel such loss. I keep thinking this is such a big mistake, that if he can do things differently and if I can bear all the things I am struggling with. I truly believe we can get through things together. But his emotional attachment elsewhere is too big for me at this stage in my own development. It's seeming too big for us. He is unable to hold me within it all as well. I wanted him to be able to hold me but he has too much of his own to hold. God! my heart is broken.
The funny thing is that I think because he and I have been so close he will not believe the things I say that I see. He will think there is an agenda. I can see the ways in which he is drawn and I felt them so strongly and how he is not giving himself a proper chance to get to the point of emotional acceptance. He just isn't ready yet to make the necessary changes. He is holding on holding on.
Well its not surprising - not wanting to lose something and then compromising so as not to lose everything. Painful. Same feelings and thinking I am going through but not with decades of togetherness as well.
And then I think actually he is probably relieved - that he didn't really ever feel strongly for me anyway. After all we met under such murky conditions and all so fleeting. And he says he has never done what he has done like he has with me - flying over here I know he was referring to.
I feel angry - it's not with JH. I don't know where to put the anger though. I want to put it on him but it's not his fault. He is where he is and how he is. It's not his fault he isn't available to love me the way I want him to. I am angry and so it turns inwards. I can feel it.
Poo my tyre is completely flat. Phew Tim has offered t help me put on the spare. Damn thee are no tyre places open today. The one in Farnham is the one I trust. I should have sorted it out when it was just a slow puncture. Damn my disorganisation. I am at work most of my days and it is so frustrating. I have so little time and when I do I am feeling exhausted. I do not like this energy rain I am in at the moment. Please God can you lift it from me and keep it away forever.
I was talking with a friend about how people say we can whatever we want. The Universe says this. Think about whatever it is and already you are beginning to manifest it. I agree with having ambition and desire and by thinking about things we can start to put things in place.
But I want my mum to be alive and I cannot have that. I want my dad to get honest and love me, I want my cousin to not have Cancer. I want JH to be able to love me fully and openly.
See wanting all these things is not meaning that they will manifest as I want them to. It's bullshit.
What I do know is that whatever happens in life and death I will be OK. It might hurt, or disappoint or even a host of feelings that seem difficult at the time BUT whatever they are I will be OK - in that I have faith.
Ugh God please release me from this pain. I want to feel OK NOW!!!!!!! I am truly broken hearted and it hurts like hell. I cant be bothered to do anything and yet I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
So JH suggested we speak next weekend. It seems so horrid - so long apart. I miss him. Everything seems OK for him - he still has all the things that are truly important to him around him.He can keep trying to hang onto them and not make changes. He says he wants to change. I know how difficult that is. I truly understand.
Make the transition from lovers to friends. Phew that's hard.
It's somehow an easier relationship in the long run maybe. It's certainly easy with Andy and John. I am not attached in a particular way. ML ET AB AM - well the friendships are true love. We fight at times in our own ways but they are totally dependable. They are them and I am me. That has taken time to develop. Perhaps JH and I got involved all too quickly and so didn't allow the friendship to develop at all and know whether we really like and love each other. There are many things I like and love I just am not OK with the emotional situation and how he has treated women albeit he hasn't realised what he has been doing.
As Duffy says you are very loving but you don't love me. Phew I wanted him to love me as I love him. We could have been great together.
I hope we can be great friends instead.
I am hurting so damned much - when will this go away.
Right bath then wait for Tim then late arrival at ML's for dahl lunch.
Oh and did i tell you how much physical pain I am in. It's difficult to find things to be grateful for when in physical pain. I am not OK with this physical pain. Something needs to go away.
Oh I bet JH is relieved now that he doesn't have to deal with a person he considered to be mental!!!! That's my anger and how hurt I am about his opinion shared with another stranger. I am still really fucked off about that. It's my own issue I know. The ignorance of people around depression. Not being ignorant just not knowing. But instead of talking to me about my private business he chose to speak to an ex flirt. Damn that pisses me off. Not a close friend another of the women he has met in passing. Phew that stinks. I wouldn't dream of talking to a person any less than the most important people who I really know and can rely on with privacy and integrity - not some flit by night contact however long they have been talking. Bollocks to that!!
I am sure I am over angry about this because it's somewhere to flip out my anger - I need a fucking release for this anger.
And then I think anyone reading this will have something to comment about anger - well yes I am angry!! And I am bloody pleased that I am able to acknowledge it and let it out. So many people think anger is not allowed and bad. Anger is absolutely appropriate and needs to be accepted and let out. Otherwise it stays in a stews. Anyone who says they are not angry is lieing to themselves..
Check out the research if you don't believe me.
Anyway who cares if people judge me harshly or negatively - if they do they don't know me. I am wholesome. Sensitive. Spirited. And proud of it. Wholesome by the way means yin and yang. black and white, positive and negative, good and bad. I accept that in me and there is a relief in that. Not trying to act as if I am perfect. Far from it just working towards it until the day I die.
Bliss
x
