Having been so excited from really experiencing Steps 1 and 2 as we went through the little red book, I was surprised at what experiencing Step 3 actually brought.
I can't remember the details of what was shared but what I learnt about myself was that it wasn't the choices I made decisions on but being honesty and taking responsibility for my choices that was difficult.
I made a commitment to B (sponsor) not to enter into a relationship. Initially this came about as I started having contact with G. It started about a year ago when we simply chatted at the local AA meeting. He sat next to me at the back of the meeting and asked me a few questions. He was the ONLY person I spoke to because at this time I was just returning to meetings after a break of about a year. This break had been connected with the tumultuous relationship with JH. M made a comment about this when asking if I was happy with G. She went on to say that she was pleased as with JH I was mainly unhappy from the start and she had been constantly worried for me. Interesting. I had been suspicious from the start and of course my suspicions coupled with my insecurity were tantamount to problems. But I was enjoying something about it all, the M/s game, the SL interaction etc. Anyway with G I had been interested in him chatting with me. I found him attractive then but didn't think I should. He looked and sounded angry and himself uncertain. I liked his sharing though. I think he thought I was a complete newcomer. He didn't recognise me from the newbie I had been when I had first seen him at Alton or somewhere. Furthermore, he wouldn't have been on the look out for me but he had been brought to my attention by A. She was seeing him as far as I could gather from what she was telling me. He hasn't admitted that by the way. What do I do with that information? I could perhaps ask S as she was A's sponsor at the time. It's besides the by really because there are relationships I haven't mentioned and my reasons are shame based I think.
Anyway that first encounter or two or three was probably the end of 2010 when everything was ending with JH. When he stopped attending the meeting I was disturbed for the first time but then didn't think of him again. Then I started going to the Wednesday meeting and there he was. He sat next to me and we chatted. This happened every week. And I positioned myself deliberately near where he might wish to sit. Then he asked me to do a chair and had my phone number. I had to text and cancel as I had returned to Day 1 due to not weighing cheese accurately. That was a crazy situation in my head. I over weighed the cheese completely without intention. And before even taking a mouthful I realised and so I guessed what would be 2 oz. Why I didn't get up and weigh it was the issue for me. I was at home and could easily have done so. I think a part of me wanted extra. I think there have been a couple of meals out when I have not gauged 6 oz of potato too. I think on Saturday I was probably over on the cooked veg but very under on the salad. The potatoes were probably just about right but had been sauteed. The tuna was probably a little bit over. I ate the lot.
Anyway then communication commenced to the phone with G. He called initially and we had banter chat. It was fun and interesting. He wasn't all jokes and Micky taking. He was clearly intelligent and thought provoking. There was serious talking to be swapped. And this then happened a few times, talking into the early hours of the morning. This went on with him realising at some point that I was the same person he'd met at Petersfield. And he asked me if I'd like to go for a walk. Wow! That was the clincher really. My attraction and interest was already there. He drove to the village and he took me to Winchester Hill. There he was showing me all the wild flowers, birds and it was outdoors talk, fresh and a beautiful day. We encountered PW and I suddenly found myself embarrassed to be seen with G. The doubts that I had were the thoughts I projected onto PW. Interesting.
I don't think either of us wanted the walk to be over when it was and so discussed going for a coffee. We went to a pub ad it was there that he couldn't resist touching me. I was sitting cross-legged back to front on the settee. I've since learnt that he wasn't at all certain what that meant. It happened another time in his car on the way back from Petworth. Both times he read it as some sort of come on. Well he read that correctly. Except for me it was being quirky rather than straightforward flirty. Being quirky is making me special and different and noticeable. I've also discovered that he had such a strong urge to touch me during the walk and then sitting there he couldn't resist anymore. He touched my knee and asked if I minded. I said no, of course I didn't mind. On the contrary I liked it.
The entire asking out and the being out was very gentle and easy. Yes there was me on best quirky behaviour but at the same time feeling a lot easier with myself. The joy of being confident in my body is amazing. As the evening drew on I knew I needed to sort out my evening meal. So I suggested we went for something to eat. We tried the George in the village but it was too expensive. This was a little squirmy for me knowing already that he was not working and penniless. It wasn't what I had in mind for myself. All this time I had been thinking that okay the next man will be a wealthy man. Despite being completely unattracted physically I asked myself if I could go out with PW, afterall he was going to be wealthier than I am used to even though he has been negotiating alimony with his estranged wife. But also I heard the sickness in him still being in recovery maybe 4 or 5 years thus far. And his sharing is rather cliched at times. Not to mention only recently splitting from his wife. He wasn't ready yet but then neither was I as I was committed to my AWOL and the thought that I wouldn't be getting myself into any relaitonships until the AWOL was over. I am not sure now if at that stage I had actually committed to no relationships but certainly discussions with B about me and relationships suggested that this was the case. It didn't at that stage need to be an official commitment.
So G and went to another pub restaurant. That's when I went off my committed food and hadn't told my sponsor to this day. It was also much later than planned for. We sat and chatted there for a long time too and when eventually he drove me to my flat it was very late. He reached over and kissed me full on the lips. I was surprised but not perturbed. Inwardly it made me smile. Part of the reason for going out to eat and sitting in the car chatting for hours was because my flat was so untidy and dirty. He had once before suggested that he and Erst, his buddy came over for a coffee. I have learnt that that was his gentle way of getting closer to me without being too forward. For a man who says he has incredible low self esteem I really love his ways of showing interest in me. And I let him.
I didn't tell B the whole truth and certainly didn't tell anyone else. Secrecy you see. Dishonesty through ommission. This is the ting that makes me untrustworthy. And I don't like it. When G is not here I want to tell my new sponsor G that he is here almost permanently now. I will come to that as it's a big leap but not so in terms of it happening. Talk about taking things slowly. Huh!
So I was curious.
I did however tell my sponsor. And also had a lot of discrepancies between who G was and the person I want to be with. I already knew he was angry with the world and wasn't flush at all with money. I wasn't sure about physical attraction either. There was something physically attractive looks-wise but a very grumpy looking face. He hadn't ever dressed in an attrative way, always in filthy trainers and tracksuit pants. He was usually unshaven and a general dirty look about him. He looks like a big time drinker still. And he was. Bloody hell. He makes my drinking look light-weight.
So telling mysponsor at this stage and cuttng contact was easy. Her suggestion was just not to respond. So I didn't for a week. But then I really am fed up with cutting contact and so sent a text. Talking about this time with G I said I didn't receive the texts. He had since told Erst because what would usually have been kept a secret to retain his complete confidentiality was not longer an issue. He thought it was already all over. However, I sent a text and so conversations and texting resumed. He asked me out for another walk. During this walk he actually put his arms around me from behind, asking as he did it if I minded. He was dog sitting for Mrs E. Now he'd already told me abou Mrs E saying that he was committed to her. This conversation occurred in the car after the first walk. I'd almost forgotten that. So returning to that moment. I think I enquired what was happeneing and he replied "between thee and me?". I think he had expressed his interest and wanting to see what happens. I had said that I was not available for a relationship and he feigned a disppointed face and at that time told me about Mrs E.
He is no longer in a sexual relationship with her but had been. That ended about 2 years ago. She is married but G is sort of a part of the family. He dog sits and does odd jobs and it's the closest thing to home he has. He is treated quite horribly at times by her but .... he really cares for her and never wants any harm to come to her. She continues to drink although attends meetings every so often. At one time they went to meetings together. Oddly enough Mrs E's sponsor in name only is S.
By the way, me asking about what was happening is quite extraordinary. Never in the past would I have done that. It would have seen too presumptious and feeling like the shit on someone's shoe most of the time would mean it couldn't possibly be anything. That would be the greatest opportunity for someone to shame me and mock me. But G didn't he took the question seriously.
Apparently Mrs E has not told her about her drinking or G. This was interesting as it was S I had spoken to enquiring what she thought of G, explianing that there had been increased communications and interest between us and wondered what she thought of him, i.e. was he a player? She had thought no. She mentioned he had once had a relationship of some sort with someone she sponsored and so now I don't know whether she meant A or Mrs E. I will ask her some day.
Amazingly she has asked me if I'd house-sit whilst she and C are on holiday during January. What's so special about this is the fact that she fosters and house-sitting will involve being responsible for the current foster kids. One I think she said is 21 and I find that strange. There are three of them in total.
The conversation in the care was left with him thinking let's see how it goes and me thinking I had made it clear I am not available for a relationship. I didn't at that point say no contact. However with continuing contact it was clear that there was interest mutually. So the week without contact felt good but also not good. I made contact as I explained we went for a walk with his adopted dogs. He grabbed me several times from behind and we held those moments. I didn't tell B. I continued not telling B as the contact continued and escalated. I visited him at Mrs E's staying late into the night. We talked about what has become known as skin therapy. He was brave enough to say he wanted to be closer to me. By this time he'd already explianed his issues with sex. I am constantly impressed by his straightforwardness and honesty. So after an argument of sorts, when I experienced his anger and shut down, we had what I had said I wanted, skin on skin. We had talked about this prior to the shut down moment. Perhaps the thought of it enabled G to talk more about his childhood. He was left very vulnerable I felt afterwards and therefore very sensitive. I had mentioned something in a way that he felt under the therapists questionnig and become very defensive. It is not my palce to tell his story in detail but his circumstances are very connected with what I see as areas of sensitivity today.
He was raised in children's homes and realises himself that this attachment he has with dogs and with Mrs E and her home is directly associated with this need for somewhere regardless of how well he's treated or not. Also the most sensitive things he spoke of was uncomfortable phycical encounters with his father who he learnt later was gay. These would today be considered sexual abuse even though not penetrative. I asked questions and he felt threatened by that. He said I had the counsellor hat on and he didn't like being questioned. It was a razor sharp attack at me. Pushing me right away. I was hurt and upset but said that he obviously made his choices as I prepared to leave. When he realised I was upset it seemed to ground him again. And thta night we ended up in bed. He touched and felt me all over. Holding me and kissing me. There was no sex. Neither of us wanted that. But to be close and feel his warmth was exquisite for me. I was really feeling strong feelings for him by this time.
I feel sad about his past but not pity and no desire to fix him. I have learnt much. We talk about the past and the present. we takl about relating and at times it feels likes intimacy. There is an enmeshment already in that he has started staying here and apart from one night he has been here ever since.
That happened after Mrs E. I returned there until the last night when Mrs E and her husband were due back. He then came here I think or maybe there was one night between. One night apart was due to an argument. I was insecure and questioning, probing after an afternoon he'd spent with Mrs E. To begin with my insecurity was heightened by the fact that he wasn't telling Mrs e> However I understood as I wasn't telling B. I wasn't telling B because I had admitted to her about reinstigating contact and reluctantly agreed to cutting contact again. This involved speaking with S (FA) and preapring a cut of contact text or speech. I wanted to for the sake of B and FA but didn;t want to for the sake of me and of the potential relationship instigated. One evening G and I had realised that I had a boyfrriend. It was somehow very natural and easy-going as we talked about it openly and honestly.
So half-heartedly I prepaared to cut contact but didnt actually do it. And from there the secret was formulated. I was worried that G decided eventually to tell Mrs E as if it was for me. He even threw that comment out when we were having a insecurity driven argument. I have since leart that I need to take my insecurity eslewhere and not dump it at his feet. I need to return to that concept that E introduced to me all those years ago with SH, to support his choice in friends rather than defame and disparagge his choice - out of jealousy. Ugly!
So I have stopped that and amazingly things are so much easier day to day. He talks to me about what's going on and I don't react. That makes it safe for him to be able to tell me and I feel some "control" knowing what's going on. Perhaps with time I will not need to know. I do get fed up with the constant barrage of texts which have more recently escalted into phone calls. However I understand the desperation. Especially in drinking. That feeling of loss of control and the terror of not being good enough and someone else is better. Ugh! All those thoughts were so crippling and painful. It was the only reality. I thank goodness I am not in that at the moment. The last time was with JH and I was awful. Suspicious and argumentative. Wnating to know then arguig about what I did know. How vile to be on the receiving end of but worse still to be int he pain of it all.
Please God don't let that happen again. It's possible of course if G and I don't remain honest. If this should slip into complacency and habit then it's very possible it could happen either way. We both have difficiulties with intimacy and self esteem.
Throughtout all of these days with increasing closeness and sex nothing was said to B. With every day and every AWOL I was feeling so uncomfortable. This was good though. In previous times I would have been uncomfortaable but not knowing why. I would be going undergroundvery quickly. I am certain my mum would know and probably my dad too. M certainly is aware that something isn't being said. And the secrecy or dishonesty through ommission is a usual mode of operandi for me. IN that way I get what I want without being disapproved of. This has only become apparent over the weeks. I don't know how many weeks exactly but it's probably 3 or 4 now.
It was so useful talking with H. I became honest with her. It was with huge risk but I knew I needed to start getting honest somewhere. G had taken great risk and become honest with Mrs E. I saw how difficult it was for him before and afterwards. He needed to do for himself not for me and I think overall he did. It just slipped out one time that he had done what I wanted him to dao risking everything he held important. He was honest and put trust in the outcome whatever that may be. And sure enough he is ont hereceiving end of some problematic behaviours and threats. I hate that she wants to try and get him into bed and wants to kiss and be held by him. But this is his life and his choices. If he is unfaithful to me and I disover it I can begin to seperate that from a personal slight. I would have taken it as that before and fallen into the pain of not being good enough etc. But I can get glimpses of and hold onto for increasing moments that it is not true. I am beginning to liek myself more and more and respect me as a being. If someone else can't then sadly they can go.
This has sort of occurred with M. She has issues with me. One of those being my dishonesty. I made an apology and talked about what I am seeing and doing. Other things she is upset about are more her issue - she had mentioned being jealous and I think I can actually see that. Our circumstances have changed. This is a mutual situation but I have felt blamed for this. And blamed for the change in conytact. I accept fully that M at times wihdraws and have gradually gien up trying so hard. And yet I am getting blamed for it is how it seems to me. Anyway we chatted again and again on the phone about this with tears and ager and all sorts of words. Then meeting on Saturday, M raised the issue once again. I acknowledge that circumstances have changed. We are both busier and also both meeting other people and doing things with other people. However, my friendship remains as strong. I love being with M and love her for who she is. I accept her for her foibles. Sometimes things about her annoy me but not so as to get in the way of loving her for who she is. I can even be jealous of her, the things she is doing and achieving. Her arrogance infuriates me. These things though do not decry the love and friendship I feel. Then there is me. I am sorry about my dishonesty. To her and to everyone. I am really seeing it in different ways now. My desire for secrecy rather than privacy is of interest to me. Secrecy means avoiding didapproval and that disapproval brings enormous fear. If people disapprove so be it. This is me and these are my life choices. I can stand up and be counted more and more. I can be responsible for my choices. Things may be bad choices they may be good. Everyone does it. It's my life path. With every decision come lessons if I stay conscious. If I am secretive I drive myself further underground and there is less opportunity to learn and grow. In secrecy there is no one to reflect and discover with. It's all in my head. Outside persoectives matter.
I told M that she matters and I care. I mean that about a lot of things. I came across that idea one day when writing about a client and clients. It's true. People do matter to me and some of course mre than the general as they are closer to me. And because they matter I care about them.
It feels so good to have stood up and been honest. I am me. This is what I am doing. I repsect that B did not want to continue sposnoring me. I feel it is a shame. She is very firm in what's required and that's okay. I feel that everyone has to choose their journey and I can support them with that. There is a fine line though and that is what I am not sure of.
For instance with the food I need a rigid food plan. I was given that and have followed it to a tee. I think though it's a fellowship plan rather than an individual plan. Is not having a relationship a fellowship plan. People suggest not making major changes until after the AWOL because then I will know myself better. Perhaps it is maverick but whenever will I fully know myself. Perhaps this is the devil's fruit tempting me? Who knows. I know for sure that I will discover the truth. I could step aside and never know. The course of my life would surely be different over the next year.
Yes there is enmeshment but I can work thorugh this with help and support. For example I want to meet up with M on Friday. I want to tell G I'dlike to do this without it turning into him retaliating by then going out and doing something that could end up with him being tempted elsewhere in emotions about me choosing to go out with a friend.
I am not doing anything wrong with M and wish to remain in contact with my friends. If he takes umbridge and does something in the emotion of it then so be it. That's indication that this relationship is flawed. Whether it's flawed beyond repair who would know. Anyway I need to speak with him about this and my fears. I do not want clipped wings. In the past I have blamed "the men" for clipping my wings. But I've stayed on the ground long enough for them to do it. I would like to go out with M. I want our friendship. All being well I'm going to London with A and G to the Bronze exhibition at the Royal Academy. Historically it interests me and I enjoyed the sculptures at the Hobein Museum in Bath. I hope both events happen. Hopefully there is a matinee performance at the cinema as I'd also like to go to the Friday meeting. It's my usual meeting. I get home by 9:20 is so if G wants time with his friend Mrs E and the dogs there's plenty of time for us to regather together.
I need to approach the matter with him. Face my fear. More fear of rejection as a result of being me. It's not disapporval I'm afraid of. What is it? It'll become clearer.
So relief from being honest. Freedom from fear. The relationship seems legitimate now. I can talk more openly about it. G still wants secrecy for his confidentiality and this is connected with everyone knowing everything when he was a child. There were records. All he was in a way was a record. I feel so sad that this should have been how it was. He is more than a record and series of facts to me. He is very real and human and a sentient being. He is sensitive, loving and caring. I like him. He's intelligent, quick witted and funny. He doesn't need money or clothes to be these things he is them. I have strong feelings for him right now.
We are fiding sexual intimacy and I am learning how to be comfortable talking about what's good or not. So is he. His issues seem less prominent to me. Of course he knows the extent of them but my experience is very different from his description of himself.
It's good for today. I write this as he sleeps after a sleepless night of tooth pain. I am very worried about his heart condition and want for the inestigations to continue sooner than later. They said 2 to 3 weeks after the recent exploration through the artery. They see a vessel closed completely and the artery is furred up. There is deep concern. He continues to smoke heavily, probably more. We have talked about giving up but he think about it with each cigerette at the moment. if he's ready he will do it. What pressure and that's not conducive to giving up. Ironic!
I am on annual leave this week and relieved not to be having to go to the place with the hell-woman. It's better because I just don't enter into anything with her. However, she works in a way that I cannot adjust to. I find it very worrying that she sponsored a client. We hear nohting from that client now. I wonder what has happened.
Sometimes she does things I think are way off the mark but turn out okay. There is risk there though. Are we in a position to take such risks? I think not. She thinks so. We are poles apart on that.
I hope I've been able to make my point clearly about the honesty being the issue and not the decision.
Of course the decision comes into it's own once the honesty is placed. I love that honesty is a spiritual principle I want to work within.
Oh and the book the Cave in the Snow. Wow! It's so worth a read. I should like to meet Tenzin Palmo. I have a deep desire to travel to India to see if it's possible. G seems to have heard that she is back in silent retreat. If she is she is but it would be worth making the pilgrimage. He is hesitant. perhaps it is too much of a commitment to be saying that January 2014 we will make that journey. I think I will start saving towards is. if I put a fiver away a month in an Indian fund who knows what will happen.
I have a date fixed with G - whatever happens between us I will be at the Seven Sisters Country Park Riverside Car park at 4pm o 19th October 2013. If we are together still then we could travel together. If not I hope he will turn up. It's a full moon. So long as the night is celar there is awalk where the moon lights up the water apparently in a spectacular way. I think a full mooon would make it even more worthwhile so I have fixed this date with him. I fixed the date before we had decided to be in a relationship. Since then I'm not sure if G sees hinself in a relationship or not. It's of no matter wha each of us label it. We are going along a day at a time and so far the way he is with me seems very compatible. His interests and his manner. He is touchy with me. We seem mutually paced. He is worried I will get bored with him. I ill never get bored so long as I can also do the tings I enjoy doing. I'd love to do things with him too if he wants to. I want to do things he does like walking and watch him doing his crossword. He thinks I am clever or bright. I think not. It's lovely so far. I hope it will remain so.
I will look up some dentists for him now.
Praying for the courage to remain honest
Bliss
XXX
The Top 10 things about time and space, Bliss, that most people seem to forget...
10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.
9. There are no "tests" and you're not being judged.
8. Everyone's doing their best, with what they know.
7. You already have whatever you're looking for.
6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.
5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion.
4. You're naturally inclined to succeed - at everything you do.
3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.
2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.
1. Following your heart is the best way to help others.
The truth shall set you free,
The Universe
