Broken Eyes

Going to bed now. But as the jealousy subsides the anger is rising. Want him to prioritise me. Hope he doesn't call coz I don't feel civil right now. Bloody hell relationships. And this is yet another one I didn't even want. I just get too flipping excited that anyone has paid me attention. It's been like that for a long time. I would like me to be different.
The story? Well in a voice message and a text one too G announced that E had called hi "on the sauce" again wanting to be taken to Petworthless meeting as G put it. I do like his creativity. I was instantly jealous as he has an interest in her. I assume an interest means he fancies her and given the chance would have a relationship with her. She's married but after all G has no respect for that having had affairs with married women in the past including D and spends time with her husband too. He says they are mates now and he's very very fond of her. But it is is peculiar. Still let's not buy into all that querying and questing for knowledge and certainty.
So off he goes to the meeting and sends me a text gratefully received saying that he will make some nourishing beans on toast and then call. He did exactly that bu didn't talk about E. I enquired and he unravelled the story. There was the conversation that she prefers male company in AA and of course he prefers female company. Do I feel okay with him developing another friendship with another woman. I don't think it's okay and whether he's chaste or not the women will get the wrong message especially if they are drinking and for years can be needy for male attention. Look at me with G. But he will say how can I think that he would make any approaches when I know his issues with sex. However, he was forward with me and direct about his issues and that hasn't stopped him at all. Plus I think he'd like a multitude of women's places to be able to be so that when kicked out of each place he has another, anywhere but his pit. I'm now going into the realms of paranoia and fantasy. But the truth will be revealed and there is something instinctual about this. I see his insecurity and also his selfish drive. And when he doesn't get what he wants he is either moody and withdrawn or punishing by getting his needs met in other ways. Not always healthy. I am taking his inventory yes! All I can do though is take care of my jealousy and insecurity and know that whatever happens I will be okay. This is the situation and it actually cannot do anything more than stir up these unpleasant feelings. I need some time to discover if my intuitions are founded in any way.
My eyes are broken in that I see myself as fat or a distorted body image because when overweight I've been feeling okay about myself until seeing a photo. When I saw myself underweight in a photo I was quite surprised. I have broken eyes.
But I have broken eyes about that so they are possibly broken about other things. I see one thing and read a million assumptions into it. So we will see. If he now starts having a lot of text contact with E, what will I do? If she's drinking she's going to be reaching out in the needy way. If her husband is kicking her out then she is going to want people to pick up the pieces and she prefers me. Is G suddenly going to spend time being that piece picker upper. He doesn't involve me. He might be trying to involve Long S but it's half-hearted really if E turns that down. Then what? He is surrounded by drunk needy women. Interesting description and picture. Do I want a man who wants to be surrounded by drunk needy women?
He will I think have thought that is the position I am in at work. Surrounded by drunk needy men. That's how he was and will undoubtedly be basing his experience of therapists on the ones he ended up having relationships with. I despise them their dangerous unprofessionalism. I think they are unaware of the damage they cause. Please God I never ever enter into that destructive journey. There but for the grace of God go I.
Am I seeing this through broken eyes? I don't know. At least if I keep talking and writing it will become clear. I do not need to act out the inquisitiveness and anger and quest for certainty. I know it will be revealed. I went digging with JH and found what I wanted to see. I do not need to go digging in the certainty that the Universal energy will reveal what I am supposed to see. In the meantime I can enjoy what I is enjoyable and leave the unknown to be where it is.
I can carry on doing what I want and like doing. I work regardless of what G thinks. I have arrangements with my friends regardless of what G may think or do. I suspect he will take his revenge somehow because although aware of his feeling she does utilise his emotions to repay me. Or am I being paranoid about that. Is this something that I know from my dad who wasn't quite as wily or from my mum who just stopped trying to change things. I don't know. It is ingrained into a deep groove in my psyche though.
So I need to get ashed and dressed and set off to pick up GB from hospital. I'm glad to be able to be of service to her. But it is an interruption from a non starter of my studies. All this week I have not been able to read in the mornings because of work!! I let it happen?

Bliss
XX

Discombobulation

Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished, Bliss, is like finding fault with a lion because it can't fly, a bird because it can't swim, or tree because it can't leave...

With regard to the above remark from The Universe (tut.com) I agree. But there is also investing in one's potential. I have stopped investing in G's potential. I really haveloved the person he is. But there are behaviours and attitudes that I really don't like. His moodiness, his lack of desire to socialise, his judgements of others so harshly, his anger, his viciousness. Yet I have understanding of the origins of his pain and lack of trust from what he's told me. I feel so dreafully sad for the awful start he had in life. When I looked at the photos of him as a little boy my heart hurt. I can't imagine how the experiences have really left him. Uncertain and untrusting. I can relate from my own turmoil.
When does one stop accepting and take into consideration ones own needs. I am confused about this at the moment. With everything else that's going on I cannot deal with it. G has sent some light hearted texts and I have replied light-heartedly too. I do not want him back in my life and yet I miss the nicer parts of him incredibly. I have given of myself to him like uniquely. He has no idea just how much I have given of myself to him. And yet he thinks differently.

I do not judge him for what has not been accomplished because they are my measures. He may feel perfectly accomplished. He is bright and intelligent. He is interesting. He is quick-witted. He is lovely. I like and love G so much. But ...
And I cannot forgive him for saying that there were grey areas in connection with my dad. And at this time when I am learning more and more SHIT about the disgusting man. I feel sick and repulsed by him. And then G says something like that.
How could he? But then of course he doesn't know what it's like to be me so that's probably how.
Visiting the F's has revealed that there was suspicions within their family. Our family was being talked about. They felt that I didn't get everything they though I should, not enough care. Apparently my mum was challenged about not caring for me enough; by her boss PF and also by the F family. R apparently suspected sexual abuse. She was right. J told me about female friends of theirs that talked of my dads sexual propositions towards them. Those were the ones that said no.
The weird thing is that I didn't believe myself and yet this information I'vve been receiving cares what I think I was making up. Shit it's all so flipping weird. And I'm so angry with my mum and yet struggling to be angry as it feels so wrong. She MUST have known something, she certainly must have known about his infidelity and his nastiess towards me. How could she have sat there saying she didn't understand why things were always so bad between my dad and I.
I admit fully that I brough problems to their door but I was fucked up by him years and years before that.
My mum once allowed me to persuade at age 3 years old to stay in the playground with some boys. They spun me around on the roundabout and I fell off. I can remember lying on the tarmac and seeing my mum standig over me eventually. I am probably muddled but also remember it. I had to light the fire and put the dinner on and things when I got home from school. I was alone from a very yong age doing these things. I certainly was alone from age 7 yrs old.
It was all fucked up! And I thought I was making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I feel like my world has gone. What was my reality is disintegrating. I don't know what reality is anymore. There is only my relaity l,oaded with experienes and attitudes and behaviours etc. I feel limp, lifeless. I want to run as afar as I can but I go with me.
My world is blown apart, topsy turvy. How on earth do I get forward from here?

Pleas e show me what and where and how Universe. Thank you

Bliss
X

Think like a Lady

Can you believe this? I have registered for Lady Magazine to look at the classified ads and see if there are any suitable positions. Looking after people or houses. What I am really hoping for is that PD's efforts will come off and we can have a lot of fun. I know he will be fair and flexible to work for. What I hope for God is that I won't take advantage of that. I want to be good fair and honest back. I know I can want too much.
However, it's got to be worth a look. It came to mind with a client advertising for someone to look after his mother. And thinking of the surroundings it all sounded rather glamorous in a way. of course the reality is something quite different. I wouldn't be swanning around using all the facilities. I'd be an employee looking after someone or somebodies who are needy of assistance and probably pretty demanding too, I wouldn't wonder.
Anyway it's a bit of fun reading them and then I can apply to see what happens. There is one offering accommodation but probably no salary. They want a reliable available person. I wonder how available is available? Well let's enquire and see. They make take a look at my CV and not be interested from the off-set. But unless I have a go there's nothing to be discovered. Perhaps I am slightly manic? Or maybe just a phase of a little more confidence and adventurous. It doesn't need labelling to just be what it is and use the energy to explore whilst it's there. I don't have to make any decisions apart from exploring and enquiring.
I realised this morning how furious I was with D for relapsing. Sneaking food. That was me without
doubt and it's probably me I'm angry with. That sneakiness. Ugh ugly. And then the shame of being caught too. Poor D. I was angry yesterday and knew it but was within the anger. Today I realised how his relapse was on my min and my saying "you've relapsed" too. I was thinking about how that came out in shock and anger and probably wasn't very therapeutic at all. I didn't follow it up. I wish I had got someone else to speak with him but I just wanted to get out of there.
I think my anger was still running the show when Dr G came to chat about the other D. I wanted to get my point across. But I was listening. I wanted something to happen in-house. But Dr G felt it was better to have this done externally. I feel that it's an important procedure because it will determine a way forward that D needs to take. Anyway it can be discussed further. I'm not very persuasive I realise. Not a good negotiator. I put my point of view across that differs from others and I am then more argumentative than persuasive. L just goes against me. Dr G I think is a very forceful man. His way is the way. So it's better to not fight with people like that. But it does leave me feeling something .... unheard? I then turn this into feeling wrong. I really think it would easy for the text to be one in-house. It's happened without any issue via Dr C. The information is there. I will enquire how thorough it is as that was the inference by Dr G. It was only partial. But actually he's right a thorough test is required so I can concede not to know anything too much about the depth of the procedure.
Anyhow thank you God I have a sponsor to talk through my anger with. I am sure when people read the word anger it conjures something bigger than what it actually is. People seem to prefer to use the words such as irritation or frustrated or other minimal words. The reality was that I was angry. In visual form it wasn't red-eyed anger, or steaming anger, or thumping anger or even stomping anger. it wasn't violent in anyway other than cutting anger. I was angry enough to make that cutting remark. It's a sort of cutting to the quick. Which is a form of violence - literally it means to cut to the underlying layer of flesh or to the bone. But it's something my mum did and that was to criticise emotionally. It is a critical manner that hurts. Rather than being gentle and understanding but real. I am sorry God for doing this and please I pray for D. Can you take care of him please God. He needs gentleness. Even though it is annoying. It's the sneakiness that got me. And that's something I was - often. And can still be for example agreeing to meet with JH for dinner and not having told my sponsor. It's a decision I've taken and I should be big enough to say on this occasion I'm not taking on your suggestion. There are risks of residual feelings coming up and perhaps that's what my violent dream last night was about. Gosh funnily enough it involved cutting.
To begin with I was in a public house and I think with someone I knew who had this very violent, nasty partner. It was someone older than me but they were very quickly insignificant. I knew that this guy was dangerous and somehow was trying to be bold and protective. He was wielding a knife around her threatening her to do as she was told. Whoever she was was very scared. I had my little vegetable knife and showed it to him. He came over to me then. He laughed at me with my little knife and quickly had me pinned down as I was struggling against hi. He laughed at me again saying don't be so stupid this is a scalpel. I was wrestling not to let the blade get close my skin as he was holding me own with it in his hands. I wanted to stab him but realised this would cause a frenzy of his violence. Then although the other person was always in the background and all the children, I don't know who this family were, it became about him controlling me. I was terrified. I tried to get the kids out and I think I succeeded. I think at one point I even got away but had to go back or didn't quite get away. I had managed to get his knife. It was ceramic and lethally sharp. I was pretending I was coveting it for him to keep it safe. He didn't trust me but let me say that, cunningly trying to outwit each other without any trust at all. I was trying to get everyone away by getting him to trust me which meant I had to take them back to. I hated that I had ti lie to them to make them think too that it was all legitimate so that nothing would be given away to him.
Horrid! I awoke only to carry that on. I was back in the Master slave situation only this master was really violent and didn't care. In my fantasy of this horror he grabbed me violently in the crutch and spoke to me spitting in my face nastily with his finger inside me. He wanted me to masturbate and told me that I would come to love him for those moments when he might be nice to me. This is the vile thinking and fantasy that I hate about me. It's there and arousing and I am disgusted by it. I cannot tell anyone for my shame of it too. I wonder why I am like this? I think I must be very sick in the head and dangerous. I am scared of these thoughts. And I fell asleep and carried on the same violent dream, him hurting me and being cruel and violent. There was no arousal in the dream just terror. What is this sickness??
I have to go. I'm going to London with GB. I'm looking forward to the museums. It's such a shame AB doesn't want to go out at the moment. She had blamed her hair. She had her hair done yesterday and now is blaming money. She didn't want to go to the theatre last week and blamed it on their situation with M. I don't even know there really is a situation with M. She is just closed down again from the world. And yesterday was asking if she needed to lose weight. She doesn't but clearly there is a worry going on within her. I recognise it from being that way in myself. Curbing my life by the insanity. Not being able to do anything about it. Thank you God something is being done on  daily basis and I can a little more freedom from the prison keeper that is me.
Violence, my dad, cutting, my internal prison, shame, anger. Gosh a dream easily associated with many things going on. I could probably write more words that I could easily associate but I really must go.
Happy hot Saturday. First for a while and probably the last for a while.
Bliss
XX

ps God thank you for some clarity with every little step of the way. Please help me to act as You would have me act and be closer to you in attitude, beliefs, faith, emotions. I would love to go about my business with the Grace of God.
Your will be done.

Big Clouds, little sky

Well you see by staying abstinent clarity comes. But not without help.
Last evening on the way home from the meeting I started to want sugar products. I think I had wanted sugar products earlier and this may have been partly triggered by looking for chocolates for G for mothers day, which is today. God bless my mum. I miss her enormously. I might trek over to her grave this afternoon. Why not? And then I could pop over to S and C's just to say hello. Sounds like a plan.
I wonder if it would be appropriate then to pop in and say hello to Sister N too. If I left here at about 4 or 5 pm I could do all of that. Is there a Homebase of DIY place to get some seeds and potatoes for planting. Yep I'll have my own crop soon thanks to my friendly neighbour V. He's my gardener and I'm his chauffeur.
I learnt how the capital I came about - in older olde English apparently we used the word ich, more Germanic it seems. Gradually the ch got dropped, leaving of course i. But then i seemed so little, insignificant in a sentence and thus was capitalised I. Why not capitalise a then? Well apparently it was round enough to be able to be substantial in it's lower case form. Interesting huh, the evolution of language. I was interested by Chief Rabbi Lord Saks' Thought for the Day on Friday and the main literary revolutions ...

One small item of news this week was one of the great signs of our time. The world’s most famous encyclopedia will no longer be published in printed form. It will exist only through the internet. Is this the beginning of the end of the printed word? Will our grandchildren be amazed that people once used newspapers and books? And how are we going to read in the bath?
Truth is that the great changes in the human situation happen when there is a revolution in information technology. There have been three so far. We are living through the fourth. And each had spiritual significance.
The first was the invention of writing: cuneiform in Mesopotamia. This was the birth of civilisation, because writing allows us to accumulate knowledge beyond the limits of unaided human memory.
The second, 38 centuries ago, was the birth of the alphabet, in the form of proto-Semitic, the earliest form of Phoenician and Hebrew writing, discovered by British archaeologist Flinders Petrie in the Sinai desert in 1903. The very word alphabet comes from the first two Hebrew letters, aleph bet, which later became in Greek, alpha beta.
The alphabet encoded all knowledge into less than thirty symbols and created for the first time the prospect of universal literacy and with it universal human dignity. The alphabet made possible the Book of books, the Bible, and Genesis 1’s revolutionary statement that we are all, each of us, in the image of god.
Third was the invention of printing by Gutenberg in Germany in the fifteenth century, which may not have caused the Reformation of Luther and Calvin, but allowed it to spreader wider, faster than any new idea had ever done before, transforming the religious face of Europe.
And now the fourth revolution: instantaneous global communication and the electronic word instead of the printed one. In the long run, by equalising access to knowledge, it will enhance the dignity of the individual. But there’s a long way to go between here and there.
Jews like me love this technology. But we won’t let it stop us remaining the people of the Book. Our sacred text, the Torah, is still written today as it always was, by hand, by quill, on parchment, as an eternal reminder that we must never forget where we came from if we’re to get to where we want to be. If we want to travel safely into the future we must carry with us the wisdom of the past.

Anyway, this is way off track. I left the meeting wanting to eat sugar products. I put this down to ritualisation, as I often would leave the meeting and being conveniently out I would stop at the local late opening Tesco store and buy up lots of flour and sugar products. I would dither in my choices trying not to have too much, wanting to buy the less fattening but at the same time not being able to resist. The idea that I would be able to get home and curl up on the settee with a film and eat. That I did regularly. Then as I was speaking this morning about this I got more clarity. What caused the ritual in the first place aside from the fact I was already out and could buy these foods? Well I talked about the ways in which I realised I was sexualising feelings during the meeting. I feel a discomfort in the meeting.Usually there are more men than women. I also realise that I wonder about different men. By wonder, I question if they are someone I could have a relationship with. And some I think are a little too forward. I am scared of how I can be with men. It's a sort of power thing. And that I realise is a fear of them. Yet also I am so self loathing I don't think for a minute anyone would be interested in ugly me. I flit between feeling very attractive to completely ugly. I have no idea, absolutely no idea whether I am attractive or not. This I believe is dysmorphia. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I am attractive and other times I just think ugh! It's very bizarre. Anyway, the realisation is that I am sexualising fear so automatically I don't even realise I'm doing it. I do it through these mini fantasies. The are momentary but fantasies nonetheless. I am very grateful that I have made the commitment to no engaging with men in any form of intrigue or flirtation for the next year. As my sponsor said this leaves room to develop my relationship with God. If I did start I would be using and that blocks out the opportunity to develop the relationship. The cloak comes over and blots out the view of God, the clarity of thought and mind and the awareness to be honest. It's not a malicious thought, it's addictive and automatic. So to step back leaves breathing space.
I was able to say to my sponsor that I almost feel as if I'm putting a pressure on her to understand the sex and love addiction,l to get it right and understand me. To be able to name the behaviours and attitudes correctly. I wanted to tell her so that I was honest and could step back from that too. I want to be able to say see I told you so, I'm different.
She could take that well though and my honesty enables me to step out of that attitude. I'm no more special and different than anyone else who also uses sex and love to varying degrees. I'm not the worst nor the best, I just do. I don't need to make those kind of comparisons about how bad an addict I am (using that word generically to represent any of the addictive behaviours I can so easily use).  The thing is I know I am an addict and I can use anything. What ensues when I'm using is chaos and devastation. I prefer today to be learning just how to deal with situations that were once baffling to me and the only way I knew how to cope was to escape them. Not always entirely, sometimes it would just be using something to take the edge of so that I could stay. But usually I end up, well these days anyway, by hating myself for the way I behaved int he situation and analysing it over and over again what I should have done, what I could have done, what I would have done. As SH says "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Yes all of that is so much easier with abstinence and help by talking things through.
Thank you God that it is not my way today to enter into the situations with men to test out the water, or to eat sugar and flour products or large quantities and restricted quantities. Thank you God that I don't drink alcohol today or take drugs. And thank you God for the fellowship of FA to help me to remain abstinent with all the "tools" there for me to pick up.
If I am vigilant on a daily basis then I can have this one day at a time fr the rest of my life. I have faith that it's there for me and gaining strength that I can turn to it whatever situation I am faced with.
Yesterday I just could not find the energy to start studying. I permitted myself a day of much needed rest. I needed to recoup energy after the draining week of interaction with someone who I am finding difficult. It's remarkable that despite the pressure of my study load I permitted myself the day of rest. I prepared my lunch and went over to AB's to eat and then we went out for a walk. I did my food shopping on the way and bought petrol. I forgot to bank the cheque from my client. Poop. I will try and do that tomorrow on my way home. The cashpoint has a banking letterbox that is accessible.
That will at least contribute to the food and petrol I bought yesterday totalling £80 and even then I had forgotten spinach.
I will eat from the foods I've been storing in the freezer. I do that, I hoard food for just in case situations but it's a cost really. I then buy offers. I have enough food for this week and even slightly beyond apart from the spinach and other fresh salad foods.
So I am pleased for the clarity I am getting. Next I can learn how to be more relaxed interacting with men and remove that fear of me with them. I am very wary of them and it's not surprising as I've had some very harmful experiences. My dad, GW, amongst a number of horrible situations and experiences. Often the horror could occur because of my contribution to the situation, especially not knowing that I could say no, or would know to avoid certain types. Instead I would be grateful for a smile and give myself so completely. I do not want to do that anymore. If some day I do meet someone, which I would like very much, it would be hopefully with me knowing that that person is right for me and he would know that about me too. It would be equal and loving. Someone who is willing to work through issues and difficulties too. Someone who is a stayer to discover what is real or not.
The scenery from my window today is just wonderful. Blue skies and bright light from the sun. Fluffy white clouds that seem utterly still. And greenery starting to show through. The trees are still brown.
Thank you Universe for my abstinence today and for clarity. I have gratitude.

Bliss
xx