Although there are a few exceptions, Bliss, the more you do, the more you'll get, by huge margins. HUGE.
So unless an exception applies to you, I say do more.
Huge,
The Universe
Thank goodness for Step 10, oh and Step 9. Thank goodness for non judgemental friends who will look at my part. Thank goodness for the drain in energy and lack of anymore brain power. Thank goodness for reason and sense. Thank goodness for Skype. Thank goodness for fresh air. Thank goodness for courgae, Thank goodness for art and music. Thank goodness for LL. Thank goodness for the Universe and faith. Thank goodness for growth and strength. Thank goodness for friends (again). Thank goodness for JH.Thank goodness for love. Thank goodness for spirit. Thank goodness thank goodness thank goodness.
Why do we thank goodness for things? Goodness rather than badness - nothing to thank badness for except learning. Badnessshows me what I don'twant I suppose. I get consequences from acting out in badness. I feel the consequences of others badness being acted out. Thank goodness for badness. I suppose!
I can't keep up with all that's going on really.
JH and I - more talking, more tears, more reasoning, more of it all. Phew we have been over and over and around and around. We are still together. He says he loves me I know I love him. But shit this is all so difficult.
What is so horrid is that I am left wondering and suspicious. I have felt some distrust of course and know that I need to listen to my instincts. I don't know wxactly what is going on but I am alerted to something. I doubt myself most of the time. And of course when someone really challn eges this and gets angry I oftne back down. JH kept saying I kust trust him and getting angry if I didn;t and yet actually .... blah blah blah. Well write it. I need to get htis out of my system. Actually he wasn't being trustworthy. He told me a lie. I know he speaks of his fear. BUT WHY WHY WHY didn't he tell her. I understand now of course that he couldn;t tell me the truth because he would be exposing the fact. WHY? Universe WHY? I need to have this removed from me. It hurts so fucking much!!
I can only assume that he didn't tell her because he wanted to keep her going along in the background. Not finally let go of being able to have a relationship of some sort with her more than purely friendship.
I am relieved he does not want to continue contact but really scared that if he does then he won;t be able to be open and honest,. I know if her reads this he will be upset and angry because he doesn't like being suspected and doubted. I know and I don;t want to suspect and doubt. I don't! It's horrid to be in this position. I want to trust and get on with other life matters and our love.
Please Universe help me. You helped me meet JH I need more help please.
It would be easier in many ways to just run away.
Well today - I fiound the enthusiasm and impetus to get myself ready to go to Art Natters, despite myself. I had already decied yesterday I wasn't going and so woke up this monring with thatmindset. BUt I know how many things I agree to attend and then bottle out of at the last m oment for fear and hermit hole living.
It was inspiring - two women in their recently acquired studio. I liked one of the pieces of work but mostly I was inspired by J's description of her emotions and how she was trying to capture them and the only way she could find to do that was with paint on canvas. She certainly is soul searching. Well certainly! How arrogant of me. But from what she was saying, indeed I think she actually remarked on how she was exploring herself always.
She spoke about the sensations and emotions she felt when recently drawn on a regular basis to a church. I want to know how to capture the feeling of awe that I felt when I went to the Opera. I can still feel the almost childlike feeling. I couldn;t take it all in, gaspipng it in like gasping in fresh air. Reds, oranges, layers of people, the stage, the curtain, the smell, the hum of chatting and anticipation. Yes I felt anticipation and excitement, just like when I was a child seeing the sea for the very first time. Every sense alert, smells, sounds, touch, tasting the salt in the air. All new. It's a blur too of the colour and movement and splendour.
I also would like to sketch the dream i had. Of 4 JH's kneeling and sitting North, south, east and west of my naked body lying on the ground. Each JH had a sort of pot, which i have managed to sketch. Egg-shaped pots, a pinky clay. Each JH had a hand on me and I could feel their ownership of my sexuality.
Universe, how can this slip away. I have allowed him right into my very core. No one has even been allowed in this far. I feel withdrawn. I feel close this evening but still withdrawn. Actually probably more withholding, scared of being hurt. I tried kneeling at his feet but it felt so wrong. I want to be able to hold him and cuddle and touch but I feel too scared for sex.
Universe please don't let it be ruined - something I have never expereinced before cannot be fake, it just can't. If he reads this, I am scared that he will think thre's no point. I have to be honest with myself though about these thoughts and feelings because if I try to hide them then there is no healing ever and instead just rotting like gangerine. I want nurturing and nourishment not rotting. So out with the feelings. ANd I hope he knows I am not judging or blaming. I am just aware of differeing ways of doings things.
But I cannot grow and be secure without the principles working along side each other.
I hope JH is the one who can do this. I love him so much I want him to be. But I can make it happen with my will.It has to be his choice.
I cannot get away from the subject. How to express these emotions. I have clear pictures for anger.
Disapppointment, jealousy, insecurity, hurt, pain, sadness. fear, loss, more sadness, dispondancy, deflation.
Sure to be others i can note as they become apparent.
I wish I could stop keeping my focus on this. It has rocked my soul. Traumatic in many ways. I understand why that is. I have a scarred soul.
I have had enough of writing.
I want this experience to be over and me to have grown
ANd I hope JH and I will grow together not be driven apart....
Bliss
X
With all this there are times when it would just be easier to stop and run away. I put in effort to learn and grow, effort to stay in recovery, effort effort effort. It seems so hard to keep going sometimes and the hardest of all is relating with others. People and their nuances. If only everyone were straight forward - no hiding, say it how it is. No nonsense. We would all know where we stand.
So to give up recovery and then be anonymously invisible and nothing matters can at times seem most appealing.
So unless an exception applies to you, I say do more.
Huge,
The Universe
Thank goodness for Step 10, oh and Step 9. Thank goodness for non judgemental friends who will look at my part. Thank goodness for the drain in energy and lack of anymore brain power. Thank goodness for reason and sense. Thank goodness for Skype. Thank goodness for fresh air. Thank goodness for courgae, Thank goodness for art and music. Thank goodness for LL. Thank goodness for the Universe and faith. Thank goodness for growth and strength. Thank goodness for friends (again). Thank goodness for JH.Thank goodness for love. Thank goodness for spirit. Thank goodness thank goodness thank goodness.
Why do we thank goodness for things? Goodness rather than badness - nothing to thank badness for except learning. Badnessshows me what I don'twant I suppose. I get consequences from acting out in badness. I feel the consequences of others badness being acted out. Thank goodness for badness. I suppose!
I can't keep up with all that's going on really.
JH and I - more talking, more tears, more reasoning, more of it all. Phew we have been over and over and around and around. We are still together. He says he loves me I know I love him. But shit this is all so difficult.
What is so horrid is that I am left wondering and suspicious. I have felt some distrust of course and know that I need to listen to my instincts. I don't know wxactly what is going on but I am alerted to something. I doubt myself most of the time. And of course when someone really challn eges this and gets angry I oftne back down. JH kept saying I kust trust him and getting angry if I didn;t and yet actually .... blah blah blah. Well write it. I need to get htis out of my system. Actually he wasn't being trustworthy. He told me a lie. I know he speaks of his fear. BUT WHY WHY WHY didn't he tell her. I understand now of course that he couldn;t tell me the truth because he would be exposing the fact. WHY? Universe WHY? I need to have this removed from me. It hurts so fucking much!!
I can only assume that he didn't tell her because he wanted to keep her going along in the background. Not finally let go of being able to have a relationship of some sort with her more than purely friendship.
I am relieved he does not want to continue contact but really scared that if he does then he won;t be able to be open and honest,. I know if her reads this he will be upset and angry because he doesn't like being suspected and doubted. I know and I don;t want to suspect and doubt. I don't! It's horrid to be in this position. I want to trust and get on with other life matters and our love.
Please Universe help me. You helped me meet JH I need more help please.
It would be easier in many ways to just run away.
Well today - I fiound the enthusiasm and impetus to get myself ready to go to Art Natters, despite myself. I had already decied yesterday I wasn't going and so woke up this monring with thatmindset. BUt I know how many things I agree to attend and then bottle out of at the last m oment for fear and hermit hole living.
It was inspiring - two women in their recently acquired studio. I liked one of the pieces of work but mostly I was inspired by J's description of her emotions and how she was trying to capture them and the only way she could find to do that was with paint on canvas. She certainly is soul searching. Well certainly! How arrogant of me. But from what she was saying, indeed I think she actually remarked on how she was exploring herself always.
She spoke about the sensations and emotions she felt when recently drawn on a regular basis to a church. I want to know how to capture the feeling of awe that I felt when I went to the Opera. I can still feel the almost childlike feeling. I couldn;t take it all in, gaspipng it in like gasping in fresh air. Reds, oranges, layers of people, the stage, the curtain, the smell, the hum of chatting and anticipation. Yes I felt anticipation and excitement, just like when I was a child seeing the sea for the very first time. Every sense alert, smells, sounds, touch, tasting the salt in the air. All new. It's a blur too of the colour and movement and splendour.
I also would like to sketch the dream i had. Of 4 JH's kneeling and sitting North, south, east and west of my naked body lying on the ground. Each JH had a sort of pot, which i have managed to sketch. Egg-shaped pots, a pinky clay. Each JH had a hand on me and I could feel their ownership of my sexuality.
Universe, how can this slip away. I have allowed him right into my very core. No one has even been allowed in this far. I feel withdrawn. I feel close this evening but still withdrawn. Actually probably more withholding, scared of being hurt. I tried kneeling at his feet but it felt so wrong. I want to be able to hold him and cuddle and touch but I feel too scared for sex.
Universe please don't let it be ruined - something I have never expereinced before cannot be fake, it just can't. If he reads this, I am scared that he will think thre's no point. I have to be honest with myself though about these thoughts and feelings because if I try to hide them then there is no healing ever and instead just rotting like gangerine. I want nurturing and nourishment not rotting. So out with the feelings. ANd I hope he knows I am not judging or blaming. I am just aware of differeing ways of doings things.
But I cannot grow and be secure without the principles working along side each other.
I hope JH is the one who can do this. I love him so much I want him to be. But I can make it happen with my will.It has to be his choice.
I cannot get away from the subject. How to express these emotions. I have clear pictures for anger.
Disapppointment, jealousy, insecurity, hurt, pain, sadness. fear, loss, more sadness, dispondancy, deflation.
Sure to be others i can note as they become apparent.
I wish I could stop keeping my focus on this. It has rocked my soul. Traumatic in many ways. I understand why that is. I have a scarred soul.
I have had enough of writing.
I want this experience to be over and me to have grown
ANd I hope JH and I will grow together not be driven apart....
Bliss
X
With all this there are times when it would just be easier to stop and run away. I put in effort to learn and grow, effort to stay in recovery, effort effort effort. It seems so hard to keep going sometimes and the hardest of all is relating with others. People and their nuances. If only everyone were straight forward - no hiding, say it how it is. No nonsense. We would all know where we stand.
So to give up recovery and then be anonymously invisible and nothing matters can at times seem most appealing.
