Comport with dignity continued

JB suggested I had comported myself with dignity as I described the funeral to him.
As I drove G and I towards the church having left the pub later than intended, I saw the hearse approaching. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" was all that was coming out of my mouth. I sort of laughed too, arriving late or just on the cusp of lateness. How that would have infuriated my dad. But also I didn't want T and her daughters to have something over me or get there and have all the limelight. That's not very dignified in language or attitude now is it. Anyway I pulled over thrusting the responsibility of the car into G's hands and legged it down the road as the hearse was slightly delayed trying to park. I was able to casually walk along beside T's car (my dads car too).
Actually I'm awake during the early hours riddled with thoughts of not studying, not having got my FDAP thing done and thinking about the inheritance I believe I should get and probably won't. It's eating at me. I really need to find a way to step aside from the negative projection and the attachment - it links strongly with my mum and wanting to have things, clawing her back.
Anyway, T was too distraught after all to follow the coffin in and went in with her daughters holding her up. I went in too. And I decided to sit in the front row on the same side as them. I considered sitting on the opposite side but somehow it didn't feel right to me.
So there was D (eldest), T, D (youngest) then me, A, K and D's (youngest) husband. At the seating point D (eldest) asked if I'd move along to allow the husband to sit next to his wife. I just looked surprised and D backed down. She wasn't being horrible but realised what she was asking.
As I was sitting there I started to shake. I could not control it. I tried to stop it but couldn't. A moved in closer to me which was helpful to feel her but I still couldn't stop. I was conscious of everyone behind me, actually G was behind me and the entire row was made up of P, R, M, G, G, and then there was JB and his partner J. I looked behind a couple of times to see if I could see J and S. At the end they were there. I didn't really notice anyone. It's odd.
Anyway eventually I managed to meditate and that helped. The shaking stopped.
All the way through the service I found it strange how much the vicar seemed to be looking directly at me. There were intense, long looks. I have an inclination to phone him. He said that my dad was a very private man. G had leaned across and pointedly said to the vicar "And I'd like to introduce you to Pamela, his daughter!", when the vicar was speaking with T. The vicar said "we have net" but I am pretty certain he hadn't realised I was my dads daughter as T had introduced him to everyone else in the room as my dad was lying there dying but not me. D (eldest) introduced me but when it came to saying the part "J's daughter", T was already talking over her. I am pretty certain he didn't hear.
Anyway so the vicar looked at me a lot. This was noticed by G A and M. G thought it was sinister. I thought he was looking deeply at me. I would like to know from him if I was imagining it but I don't think so as others noticed it too.
So the service was brief. I was horrified that T had the service booklet printed with J B R when his name was B J R. And the same on the plaque on the coffin. Did he not tell her the truth? Or was this her being controlling again? Who knows?
At the grave side T and J came over and then E and M. J and S were there. Of course this was all after the coffin had been lowered. The vicar said to T, I've done all I can here now T. M noticed this too and it did seem a strange thing to say. He seemed to leave awkwardly. But he held my hand. I just think there's something in it. Or maybe I'm looking for something. I want to be noticed. I want there to be something more than just being excluded again. It was always like that with my dad and then always like that with me, needing something just a little bit more to be considered less than nothing.
I gave PW just the biggest hug. I don't really remember him but thank goodness he had known me as a child. There is something quite special about that man though. I spoke with him on Saturday and he really has a spiritual feel to him. He's invited to meet me for lunch in March. He has an op on Tuesday and I so hope he makes it through. A because I want to have a connection with him, due to this amazing feel I have for him and B because I am hoping he can tell me more about my dad in Korea. Why he received the presidents citation from the horses mouth as so to speak rather than Wikipedia. He was there with my dad in Korea. I wonder if he can tell me about my dad being captured and being in a POW camp. How did that happen? How did he get out?
Anyway I was introduced to a retired policeman BD by JB, I introduced him to my surrogate mother G. I'm not sure she would have appreciated being my surrogate mum.
Then we went to the United Reformed church where T had laid on tea and cakes. It was there that I learnt from A that M had a funny experience at the grave-side. As T had started to turn around, G, R and A started to back away. M had been standing with them, not noticing they had shuffled off to avoid having contact with T, M was left there alone, face to face with T as she was saying"who are all these women?", to which M said friends of P's. I found it amusing for poor M, being left there to carry the can. M felt very sad for T. It grates a bit. But I feel sadness and compassion for her too when I put aside my resentment and anger. I am practising putting that aside and my jealousy too. I feel possessive and cannot get my claws into anything to possess. Everything I've tried over these past 11 years has failed miserably as my dad would not let me. Things we would usually have laughed about together, he just didn't. It was most disconcerting. I had no power over my dad at all and it seems as if she had it all. His anger was one thing but I think he caved in to her.
I wanted T to see J and S and not confuse them as one of my friends, but people from the past with my mum. It amused me that they were late. That was one of the things that infuriated my dad about the F's. I wanted her to know there were people there from the past that her cousin L says she so didn't want to acknowledge. No wonder there monologues about not stopping my father. I think she possibly did the opposite to what she has insisted. In her monologue down the phone when G was sitting there, she repeatedly said that she had never stopped my dad from seeing me, in fact suggested regularly that he invite me there for something to eat etc. She said she had never said a bad word against me except about never sending cards for birthdays or Christmas. She said it was my dads choice. The way she has gone on and on about that on the couple of occasions there has been contact with her makes me think she insists too much. Anyhow I get the impression that my dad was flimsy under her influence. It's strange really. But I also wonder if the previous years with my mum were like that. There was the angry stubborn side of him but also the compliant side to him, keeping so much simmering in anger close to the surface. He was generally an angry man. I am not surprised, his military training and experiences drawn from his angst of younger years and augmenting the levels of anger. What he had to endure would surely mess up the brain wiring!
Nonetheless it was horrid being on the receiving end of all the mixed up messages.
So at the reception I think I was dignified. I chatted with people and enjoyed very much the little table in the middle where my mum was being discussed, her great parties. I was a bit flittish, mixing here and mixing there, never really hearing a complete discussion through with anyone. I was aware of the attention G was paying A. I asked him if he was flirting with her. He has a real affinity for her he says because of the drinking. A herself said how awkward she was feeling, not able to socialise easily. I had the same issue. I have no idea how to network the room and socially chit and chat. And A didn't have her alcohol crutch either because she would know that she might be inappropriately drunk but without awkward and craving even more. I recognise that pattern.
I am surprised I didn't share about that on Friday at the AA meeting, when talking about getting through the ordeal of a week. It's details like that that I seem to forget. I need t cancel the chair at H Sunday meeting I've been asked to do. I accepted it knowing that D (of G) sometimes goes. It would not be appropriate of me at all. I know that would piss G off. Mind if we're not together I couldn't care less what he thought then out of anger. But if I want to continue to comport with dignity I would consider his thoughts in this.
After all he accused me of being selfish. I asked what he meant and he said I probably wasn't he was just sounding off.
"it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Macbeth act V

So I stayed right until the end. I was seen to be taking L's telephone number, T's cousin, who with a lot of confusion for me has deposited stories about T. Her claim that she is disgusted with the way I have been treated was a sort of buy in to the gossip. I learnt that T's mother died when she was 12. She was then passed from pillar to post. Apparently L's family were going to adopt her but she was a disagreeable little girl they decided not to. It seems she has always been unlikeable. I wonder how my dad put up with it. He made his bed and knowing him he would silently suffer publicly but I wonder how we was in private with her. i am certain I saw fear in her at times. But I think they were probably as bad as each other. I wonder what his soul would have made of what was created by them together.
As everyone I knew was leaving I asked JB and J if they would give G and I a lift back to the car which we had left at the church. I don't know why G wanted to leave it there. He wanted to walk and I think it was something to do with worrying about parking. I think as well he thought the United Reform church was nearer than it was. We travelled down with K and P.
Oh something K told me was that D (ex husband) had now separated from his new wife. Something not so dignified was that I sent him a text yesterday. It was intentional. I was resisting when G and I were all OK but could no longer resist after G walked out and I was preparing myself to go to a big family do in Kent. D wasn't the playful sort on texts though. And he never follows through saying he was going to meet up with me. That's not hooky enough to make it worthwhile plus I turn that into being turned down and unattractive. See how my dignity is non-existent in such circumstances. The thinking is screwed up.
K and P - it was lovely that K wanted to be there. Her partner P knew no one and yet trundled along with it all. I am concerned for K. I mentioned to M that I noticed him looking at me a lot. And M said that she was wary when talking with him, worried that K might think there was flirting going on. I am not sure if I thought he was attractive or not but I don't think he's so into K as she is him. She is such an attractive woman physically but to me once she starts I feel controlled and feel her neediness too. She is besotted with L her son and actually quite controlling over S her daughter. I sent a text to S yesterday too. Her text back suggests there is an issue between her and her mum. I am concerned for S. I think she is having a troubled time with drink and behaviour. It's a wild guess. I am concerned that there was something sinister about her friends father and friend always going out with the girls. I hope nothing has happened in a drunken state and she does drink heavily and is vivacious. I am disgusted by those old men loitering with the young girls. It is not usual.
Anyway G and I then travelled home. G was a rock.
The next morning when showering it was no longer about me and I started thinking about what each person had experienced. There were so many little stories within the blanket story of the funeral. it was farcical really when digging under the surface. It's such a dynamic between people. And I do wonder what all the negativity is all about really. What is the purpose of that? Why can't we all be loving and kind and gentle. I do not find T kind and gentle at all despite her sort of whimpering way, a tilt of her head and big moo cow eyes as G describes them. It comes across as pathetic to me. Annoying even. I am certain that's loaded with my resentment and jealousy and hurt too. I was pushed out of my dads life.
I had my part of course. I wasn't going to like her fro the start and learning that they were dating in 2001 added to my distaste of her. I always suspected and loudly announced my dad to be having an affair prior to my mums death. But to have her say they were dating even if it was after it was too bloody close to be considered decent. It suggests to me that my dad couldn't wait to be shot of my mum. Was it really like that? Had it all be a lie?
I was a nightmare, behaviours, financially, deceitful, pissed my dad off with the choices of men and the number of them. All of those things added to his disdain of me. He and I fought. We had for many years and that I don't think started with me. I was being me, a kid. Ad it didn't fit in with him at all. Nothing I could do was right and so under starters orders the problem was there. My dad was an incredibly intolerant man. I understand where some of it came from but that doesn't make it okay.
And I then compounded it. Not wanting contact for a lot of the time during the 11 years didn't help the relationship but I don't think that bothered him much. It will have painted a picture to T perhaps but it surely suited her too. If she didn't want to acknowledge he had a past they had this blissful nowness and when I did contact it would probably been a rude interference and awakening. They would probably be able to create a web of what they wanted to believe, after all we all do that. We see things, our version, our perception and unless incredibly self-aware it is nigh on impossible to see things as ones own perception and there possibly being other versions. They would have believed their spin.
So the practise for me is ton continually step aside from the resentment, anger, fear and jealousy. I want to possess things from my dad and I want money. I want to be suddenly financially secure. I doubt that will happen. I want £250k minimum. I barely expecting £15 to £30k I don't really even expect that to happen. It infuriates me as that's my mums money too. But she died over 11 years ago now and it became my dads. I really am having trouble letting go of that. However, it's the last hurdle and I guess I can't help projecting and having the emotions associated with that. I just have to keep acknowledging them and moving away from them in the same way as moving away from a food thought. It's not easy but there are lots of FA people and friends I can talk about it with. I wonder if sometimes I am just suppressing. But hey ho! I am doing my best. And that's a darn sight better than it has been. Thank goodness I am in recovery because I am pretty certain I wouldn't have even been able to manage with the decorum I have mustered thus far.
Please Universe, take way my resentment, greed and jealousy. Please remove my fear and replace this with trust that all will be okay whatever happens.
I want to go off and follow a lifelong dream to experience living in the Far East. Whether for a while or forever it's always been there as a desire. Please provide me with the courage. My greatest fear is not having the money to have a roof over my head or for food at the time or into the future of old age. I am not convinced I will make old bones anyway but the idea of a poverty stricken old age abhors me. Yet what am I thinking money will buy anyway. It's the idea of being restricted of doing things. I want the bigger world and don't like the smaller world. And yet I could be content with meditation and looking around me. Something wider world is shouting shouting shouting at me. It always has.
So what do you think have I been dignified and graceful. I think on the outside I am closer to that. On the inside I want that. I want to have gracious thoughts but they are speckled with nasties.
Gosh I woke up at 2 am and now it's 4 am. I wake up to get ready at 5 am.
I have heard a car start up. Who on earth gets up and travels at this time?
I want to have a look. It was S the taxi man
Saturday evening after the AA meeting, with no contact other than a text earlier from G, the rage manifested itself by entering SL and contacting DD. I slipped into the M/s bit immediately and masturbated thinking of him. This is the first time I've thought of someone else in this way and the first time I've masturbated I believe since being with G. Is this the beginning of the real end? DD wanted pics of me on all fours. I said I would but I won't. I nearly would but I just do not want to engage with it all again. Over recent weeks I've had more of a pull and that's not the first time I've briefly entered SL. It could be the rage and wanting to act out sexually. I wonder too having re-entered FB for a short while whether it's also avoidance of studying. I'm not sure I'm ever going to complete this degree. All this stuff with my dad being ill, the funeral and joining PD in his new venture - all drains of my resources. I have no energy to do the reading. And then there is the unfinished accreditation. I will have to say to PD that I need to re-send it and this last few days I have been struggling. I will try and get it all together this week to send by next week. That's what I will tell him. And in the meantime I need to read and study.
 I Love G but I'm not in love with him. I feel disappointed that yet again he became moody and walked out. I think he's unreasonable about his dislike of M. He has a reason from way back he can't even remember. He does not want to meet her and told me she was controlling although I was arranging with her a time to visit. He's controlling. He doesn't like her so doesn't want me to have anything to do with her, even suggesting I should choose my friends more wisely. Gosh! Reminiscent of the times when my dad would cause a fuss about my mums friends. There was no freedom for my mum just to invite people around spontaneously. I don't think this is okay. But there is also accepting G as he is. On this matter we are very different. He is not sociable and openly admits to not liking people. But really I wonder if it's him he doesn't like, similar to my dad perhaps?
Anyway having walked out and therefore me not being able to help with his car and him not coming to the family do yesterday and more me not being a part of him getting his new car all feels horrid. I want to help G, but I do and have. He owes me £240 which I am trying to write-off in my head but I will raise it with him. I will ask if in his mind the work of putting in the shower was some sort of contribution towards the debt? If it is I will try to accept it but I hadn't been wanting a shower that badly. It's nice to have and I use it ALL the time now. But even so I wasn't aware that it was a part of the pay off it that's what it was. That all should have been discussed as I am still waiting for my £240. And now he's sold the care to the tip for £107. What a waste of time. And there was a question in my mind as to whether G had done it himself as nothing like that has happened here before. So very strange. And he had all sorts of conspiracies that seemed very odd.
Anyway the family do. It was filled with all Auntie O's and Uncles R's friends. And family too. I think I got to speak with everyone and was polite and friendly. I am not over keen on any of them. I have strong feelings for the 3 girls. And I missed L's presence. Of all the cousins I think I liked her the most. I think A is troubled and gosh like me she holds so much resentment but for her its with her mum. She is having difficulty accepting and forgiving her mum as I do my dad. We had a chat. There is a wanting in me for A to want to be with me but she doesn't. S is a nice man, her husband. They all have a niceness to them but there is an edge too. It's there. I think probably less so with Uncle G and Auntie M. But G is most certainly an addict. His girlfriend looked as if she had a serious problem herself. They looked and smelt rough. J always looks to me as if there is a side to her, calculating but L just seems generally nice. J and N also don't seem to be bad people.
I sat with L. She is okay really. None of them are my cuppa tea really. But I was there. It's nice to connect with family. It's a sort of belonging and they do make me feel welcome mainly. I feel uncomfortable trying to socialise. I'm not great at it. I did like Uncle R's niece and she was interested in FA. I will call her in the week and send her details by email. If she wants to meet up at the meeting I would gladly do that. I think Essex to London Bridge is easy.
And then afterwards I went back to Auntie O's. She was tearful. Uncle R told her to stop it. This was after the girls and M had gone. I noticed M is on the phone texting a lot so wasn't surprised when I enquire whether he'd met anyone and Auntie O said she thinks there is someone called S. It is soon but I suppose he's dealing with his grief the best way he knows how. And having 3 girls can't be that easy. They are lively. E is interesting. I am always intrigued by children who are not shy and have facial expressions and things. I think at 11 I was not so bold as she. I was shy and retiring. Of course I'm sure I wasn't when at ease. But I was scared of adults and wouldn't dare to be me. I loved that she was so comfortable despite losing her mum when so young. Those girls have a lot of emotions to work through. I hope they are being encouraged. I think D tends to be inward. She probably always was but I hope she has outlets that are healthy and being shown how to emote rather than suck in and isolate with it. I am projecting of course from my own experiences even though the circumstances are totally different.
Well it's now 4:32. I will be awake to get ready in half an hour. Perhaps I will lie down in bed for that half hour and see what happens. I feel wide awake but maybe I'll doze and then bloody hell I hope I don't over sleep.
I liked it when talking about K's sleep over and they stayed up all night, E said it was an "over". She is quite quirky.


Bliss
XXXX







 

Law and order = blade of justice?

Themis is the goddess of divine law and enjoys offering her wise advice. She is described as "of good counsel", and is the embodiment of divine order, law, and custom. The personification of abstract concepts is characteristic of the Hellenes. The ability of the goddess Themis to foresee the future enabled her to become one of the Oracles of Delphi, which in turn led to her establishment as the goddess of divine justice. Some classical representations of Themis did not show her blindfolded (because of her talent for prophecy, she had no need to be blinded) nor was she holding a sword (because she represented common consent, not coercion). The sword is also believed to represent the ability Themis had from cutting fact from fiction, to her there was no middle ground. Themis built the Oracle at Delphi and was herself oracular. According to another legend, Themis received the Oracle at Delphi from Gaia and later gave it to Phoebe. When Themis is disregarded, Nemesis brings just and wrathful retribution, thus Themis shared the Nemesion temple at Rhamnous. Themis is not wrathful: she, "of the lovely cheeks", was the first to offer Hera a cup when she returned to Olympus distraught over threats from Zeus. Themis presided over the proper relation between man and woman, the basis of the rightly ordered family (the family was seen as the pillar of the deme), and judges were often referred to as "themistopóloi" (the servants of Themis). Such was the basis for order upon Olympus too. Even Hera addressed her as "Lady Themis."

 

 

Peace and justice are two sides of the same coin ~ Dwight David Eisenhower  

 

It's good to stop and contemplate things that I take for granted such as law and order. If only there were an overseer truly rather than relying on man's short sightedness and often motives driving decisions that guide law and supposed justice.

There needs to be law and order otherwise there would be anarchy. But as time evolves, more and more control takes over. So instead of order there is control. Oddly enough this seems to cause a quiet rebellious type anarchy in my opinion. Humans make adjustments to EVERYTHING and then  adjustments to adjust the adjustments and in the end we have a mish mash cross wiring that is merely control. Control is surely only a way of dealing with fear - hence I say there are unconscious forces at work that are not necessarily considered when judging whether a law or judicial decision is fair etc.

We need to trust in a higher power - difficult to do especially when deciding to lock someone away for life. I do not agree with capital punishment. However, I have never had anyone taken from me through murder. I have been subjected to sexual abuse in more than one stage of my life. I still would not wish to punish these people. I would like them to be able to access support and facilitate change but even that cannot be forced. I think it would be right to keep these people away from being able to do it again BUT they are at large and have probably violated others. Their punishment will certainly be internal. They must surely have been in turmoil themselves before it exploding into violating others. I feel sad for them more than anything else.

I used to (and that was until very recently) feel nothing but rage. This was my own rage and with circumstances and help I keep finding peace for that rage to dwindle into. Not all the time, it still emerges from time t time. And the ripple effect of the violation manifests in many less obvious ways. However, as the rage disappears so my compassion and charity has grown. I hope and pray for those men to have peace in their heart and soul long before they die, to know something different in their lives. I wonder what contributed to their own rage for them to need to find this way to vent the torture within them? I feel such sorrow for all the pain that gets spread around.

 

So I think this thing called justice we have and the judicial system that all universal in some ways, therefore there is a humanness for it's need. However, it varies by each collections of gathered humans. And therefore the exactness of justice by humans is adjusted for by external social influences. This to mean means that it is a very delicate line between justice and local control. If only there were Themis to guide with the all seeing eyes. Only a greater being would be able to maintain the sanity enough to be able to bear such a gift.

It reminds me of Minority Report (ugh! to the film). The evolution of man as depicted in science fiction appears to offer Utopia but the price to pay is the constant need to wipe out all fears. In line with my current thinking Minority Report, Philip K. Dick, represents this well. Stopping any acts of crime before it happens.  There is nothing about education, a constant gripe of mine. Too big a job I suppose for the little Governments. Instead rule by fear.

I wonder if Ridley Scott had directed Minority Report whether he would have done it very differently. I think the Tom Cruise element for me is always disappointing. I am never certain ow much influence he has forced upon the film so that he appears all hero etc. It is a rumour I am aware and one that has strongly influenced me. I just don't think he is the part he is Tom Cruise in whichever film he is in. Oh apart from Magnolia. Yes a good part. And that reminds of a person I met in Second Life - uhm

When I met him I was exploring a new land. It was empty apart from one other person. The place was very, how would I say rusty and metallic with large bolts holding metal structures together. Stairways descended on pushing buttons. It was empty and eerie. Gonzo bumped into me and we then proceeded to explore together. We fell down traps and followed trails that went to nowhere. He was funny too. Western American I discovered. We spent a good couple of hours joking and exploring and chatting too. Eventually he invited me inevitably to his "favourite place". It was a beautiful Sim. But there were the usual "sex toys". I laughed. It was yet another place that was subliminally whetting my appetite for M/s. He pointed out the artwork and "toys" but we didn't indulge in them.  He said that he found me unusual. Ha ha ha. I think it was the lack of interest really in the sex element that intrigued him and I became a challenge. Ha. I received gifts of RL photos of his penis etc, which all added to the laughter.

We met up to say hello if we happened to both be online. He had an SL girlfriend and an RL girlfriend. The RL girlfriend knew nothing of his SL living. He had a lot of time to be on SL as he was the official carer for his very ill father. And during conversations he would need to go to respond to his father calling him. His father was very ill. Oh I didn't clarify that we used voice on SL. He was a very intelligent man and very creative. As his fathers illness progressed, during the time I knew Gonzo, he was preparing for his fathers death. He was buying a camper van and getting ready for him and his girlfriend to go off travelling. He never did share the emotions and thinking behind all of this. He did talk at times of resentment with his father and circumstances. His girlfriend lived with him and was out working. He would talk of her with some disdain. I find this so sad that so many men talk of their partners with this feeling of entrapment or something.

As I was less and less on SL and then eventually deciding not to return for the time being it was strange how I would be losing contact with all these people who, although it was through a fantasy environment really, I got to know snippets of their real life even when they weren't intending that. I did speak with Gonzo one last time. His father had died and his was packing up the house to be off on his travels. I thought what an odd mix of intense emotions - the excitement of the freedom he longed for and yet the deep sadness of loss alongside the strong resentment. Not to mention all the years of life that I knew nothing about - his mother, any siblings, career opportunities and so on.

An anonymous, random encounter with someone I got to know some inner feelings about. So strange.

 

OK essay time

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Bliss

XX

 

Nothing is so tempting as temptation

Well, since feeling better and better, I have been busy. Actually even when I was in the dark grunge I kept getting to my regular meetings and did meet up with people. I have been off work now for 6 weeks. It's been nice not going to work but I haven't really achieved much in the way of studying. But it truly has been repairing time. I have fought it all the way telling myself that I should at least be using this time to catch up and get ahead with my studies. But I have been knocked off my feet with depression. And at times mania. The thing is whilst I love the manic phase (even though it's been rapid cycling) the down is so down it's devastating. And there has been this energy about deathliness. Very grim and dark indeed. So actually although I didn't do the things I thought I should be doing and was feeling so guilty about not being at work, it has been absolutely necessary.
Because what I have been able to do is write, get into an exercise routine, get really in contact with good supportive friends, get to meetings easily and do more for my recovery, go to meditations, and get my
eating back into a healthy order with the benefits of feeling better about myself size-wise. I think that contributes tremendously to my depression, when I feel overweight and eating unhealthily.
I have also re-engaged with my therapist and getting support and awareness about my behaviours last year. I can see how I totally made the man in the relationship my Higher Power. To begin with I was maintaining my spiritual connection and in fact thought there was a spirituality in what we were practicing sexually. I still think there was something very spiritual occurring but it didn't last. For the first time I was experiencing sex and able to be entirely me, relax and enjoy it. However, there was the handing over of the control of what happened to someone else. But even within that there was room for me to say what was pleasing and we could talk about the sex and arousal with ease. That was all a very new experience. I have a fear that  will never experience that again which I think has greatly contributed to the deep sense of loss and the pain that that loss brings. I enjoyed experimenting with our own version of tantric sensations. I can easily start longing to meet someone with whom I can experience true intimacy which would include some of those things I experienced. There is a caveat though, because whilst I was able to feel that sexual arousal, I was also aware very early on, of things being not quite as they seemed. I questioned and listened and for instance wondered and still do wonder where and how JH was gaining or had been gaining his own sexual knowledge. He said he was new to M/s and that everything was simply going with his senses. I had some questions about this but he kept reassuring me and to begin with I had no reason to doubt. He said he had a lot to read and a need to learn quickly about the M/s relationship. Some of this seemed genuine but there were things that raised questions. The problem is that after the time went on there were certain things that did become exposed as lies and so it is difficult to know now what was truth and wasn't?? I do not need to know now.  And judgement is being made at a far higher level than I will ever know. I trust today that the relationship ended for the right reasons for both of us.
What it leaves me with though is a deep desire to be OK as me. To really know now that I need to develop my relationship with myself. I do not want to continue being an vulnerable or raging person that is exposed and thereby choosing inappropriate actions. I can see how the dark side is very appealing. It seems adventurous and is very arousing. However, the light side brings a feeling of ease and gentle contentment. It's funny how as in everything I can feel angelic or devilish. High or low. Black or white. Fast or slow. All or nothing. This is the borderline mania I think. And deciding to manage it is OK but how do I quieten the devil when it arises.
I had secrets last year - I did not tell friends the extent to which I was on SL. I did not tell them the way in which I entered into the relationship. I did tell them I was experiencing sex pleasurably for the first time but I did not tell them what that involved because there was shame attached to that. I need to listen to the shame - whilst shame is often someone else's it's also my own instincts. I still find it appealing but I know I cannot follow that trail. I am attending SLAA and do not want to go to SAA. I could try it online I suppose. But I think first I will continue the work with my therapist.
It was so relieving to reveal all to someone - my therapist. Although I was tentative at first, he made it easy.
I am glad to have finalised everything in SL. I do not intend to return for the foreseeable future. All ties are cut even though there was some sadness about that. Loss again. Something else I have experienced and those parts of it that were good are now not accessible. But I have learnt things from it. And I prefer being more engaged with real life. Playing at doing my own art productions and poetry etc. Sharing them with people in the here and now, the present moment. There s something more genuine about it. I think that is the problem for me with SL I realise people can and are being less than their full selves. Their Avatar itself is a beautiful version giving a false sense of connection. There were times when I thought it was real connection. And it probably was at some level. I will not say that SL was a bad place, it wasn't. I have had an experience that started in SL and tapped into something that was connected with darkness. I hate saying that because it means I must move away from it and there is a part of me that still wants it. Like all things that are unhealthy for me. But I suppose as I develop and things heal and improved - not from this experience I mean the childhood wounds, then I will feel better and not need those things. I want to be connected with light and love, peace and wisdom, truth and bliss. And I will be more trusting of my instincts and less tempted by temptation itself. I will grwo stronger. And maybe some time in the future I should like to find out how JH is getting along and see if he would wish to develop a friendship on a different basis. Of course he may have moved on and not wish to have contact. That would be OK too. WIth my own boudnaries in place and stronger I feel certain that friendships are possible and it is then also possible to move away from people, places and things that are not healthy for ME. I am not saying it is bad for anyone esle. Just me and the baggage I lug along.
I can tell from my thinking and writing that things really are much improved. I feel lighter and strgoner with every day. I now just need to give this time to develop.
It was lovely meeting with my friend AM last evenign. We chatted mainly about her recent events. She made me smile with her possibility of being pregnant. It's everything she wants. And so it's not surprising that she is less careful in a new relationship. And thank goodness the responisbility isn;t just ehrs right now that she has warned about needing to be cautious and he is not so worried either. I hope things work out for her just the way she wants them to.
And ML has completed this years workload at Uni. Hooray. She has been really struggling. I am concerned about her right now. She is also tempted by a darker side to her. It is worrying that she is less inclned to take action. It feels scary to me. I am not sure how things would be if she starts drinking again. I think it would be very tempting for me as I write this. So this shows once again how I really need to stay close to people choosing healthy options. It always looks so much fun but really and truly look ho this has ended up for me!! How much evidence do I need.
My eating went from OK to unhealthy - driven by hormones I am certain but the overhwlming feelings also drove the desire to eat them away. And with it a complete loss of self esteem and worth!
I pray Universe that you will keep ML safe. I think she really needs it right now. I knw she is drained after this work and a ot of anger is present for her. She has also given up smoking and I now myself how flipping difficult that was. For the first year all I wanted to do was drink and drug. It always seems easier than facing up to everything. Like SL - get involved in that and not have to face up to real life feelings and responsibilities and efforts. Easy I can see how  did it.

So to study - a plan - notes!

Oh another lovely walk this morning - up the hill. Phew I can feel my muscles that haven't been worked like that for oh too long.
Not so warm and certainly misty. LouLou mislaid me. She ran off in copletely the wrong direction. When she finally came running over the brow of the hill she looked really indignant as if it was me that had abandoned her. I am sure she doesn't think like that but she has some funny looks that are all too easy to humanise with emotions and thoughts. I couldn't get a phot of it because it was just too hazy. Poo.

Oh and an idea that might actually come off - all these friends of mine taking photographs and sketching - some were talking about them being as good as some that are sold etc etc. Someone said she is going to try to get some placed in her local library. So I said why don't we have an exhibition - a just for fun one.
Am said it's always best to have a theme - and so perhaps FaceBook photos might be a start. She was then suggesting whereever we do it if we have a big wall, we could create a wall like photo posts on FB. I am not sure - I think ti needs to be brainstormed. Asking T if whe would want to be involved as she has good experiemce. It could be a laugh and if nothing else get the photos off the comp and made into something that is touchable and no longer virtual. I think there is a possibility.

The very most anyone ever has to overcome, Bliss, is today.
Which is actually the "height limit" on all metaphorical lions, tigers and bears.
Double GRR-R-R-R-R...,
    The Universe


Bliss
XX

Moody Velvet Mountain. Body Landscapes

They bring me to tears every single day, Bliss.
They're almost too much to bear.
Sometimes, I even wonder how it's possible...
Of course, I'm talking about your supernatural resilience, your steely courage, and your gritty determination.
YOU WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS, and they shall say THANK YOU, DUDE.
Thy kingdom come,
The Universe



God essence of woman and sensuality in this photo.........

 

Master arrived last Friday. I was surprised that instantly the slave in me was so much quieter and the lover the main voice. Master also was less Master it seemed and more lover. I don't remember speaking very much about this.
We made love ..... often, lovingly, gently, beautifully.
Master displayed his power, reminding me that I am his slave. I submitted willingly and excitedly. For some time Master had spoken about the need to restrain me. He had asked me how I would feel about this. I remember feeling the thrill rise from my clit, through my pussy and tingle throughout my body.
Master wrapped my collar around my neck, tightening it so that I could feel it firmly. He took hold of it and pulled me towards him, then kissing me firmly and taking my mouth for his own. His tongue darting in and out of my mouth forcefully. Then he took the D-clip and attached it to my collar. I did not know what to expect. Master took his cuffs and tauntingly played with them. I felt a fear as well as the excitement. He let me touch them and feel the coldness of the metal. Master clicked them showing me how they work. Telling me that it is not advisable to cuff people with their hands in front of them, and as he tightened them on my wrists, Master took my hands over my head and clipped the cuffs to the D-clip. I was totally exposed. He coolly asked if the cuffs were tight on my wrists. I said that the right hand felt very tight. Master didn't seem to pay attention to my words as he started to use my body.
I felt excitement once again at my vulnerability and also a degree of fear at my complete helplessness. Master took every bit of me. My nipples, my breasts, my tummy, my neck, moving around my body - his mouth, his fingers. Sitting in nadu, I could feel the tension in the muscles of my arms and the cuffs pushing hard into my wrists. Master layed me down relieving the mild aching. He continued to utilise my clit and my pussy. He brought me to the point of climax, touching and looking at every part. I was helpless to hide or move subtly the parts of me I am usually shy to let him see. I could not this time.
Master, wise to the woman's body, stopped stimulating me and after a few moments my clit started to relax, the tightening in my pussy muscles loosening. Master started touching me again, fast, slow, his fingers exploring me bringing me close to climax once again. Once again, Master stopped, my moans ignored completely. The next occasion Master chose to touch me, just when I expected him to stop, he continued, pushing me over the edge into orgasm. I shook, I sighed, my muscles contracting with such strength. I could not stop. Master watched and smiled and watched. He pressed on my clit
He left me lying there, cuffed and helpless, naked and exposed. We spoke with me still restrained this way, helpless.  Master asked me to get up. He moved my position to hold me close to him. I was so thankful for his loving of me as I felt so exposed and somehow bad.
When Master eventually unclasped the cuffs from the D-clip, he brought my hands still cuffed in front of me. He did not immediately release me but instead talked about the bruises on my wrists and how that might b e difficult for me to explain..........
I was very aware for the rest of his stay that Master's cuffs stayed by our bed until he packed them as he was leaving. I was excited and wary of when he might want to restrain me again. He talked of cuffing me to the bed  - wrists and ankles and might even leave me there.
He left when we were more lovers than Master/slave.


The slave in me, at the moment, is very very quiet. The lover was the prominent one over the weekend with my love, Master. The Master  seemed not to be so prominent in him. I wonder if we reflect each other, or if actually the slave in me brings out my Master. Does Master insist on me being a good slave?  He is such a loving Master and thoughtful of my situation - very respectful. My situation is hormonal - I truly believe that hormones are very powerful indeed - over my mood, my energy, my desire, my appetite, my shape, my whole being, I know that with the little biology I have studied in understanding psychology, hormones are incredibly important and influential in our very existence. Master does not seem to try to override these and told me that he also is feeling very unsexy at this time. Maybe Master's other responsibilities are playing a bigger role right now, maybe he is unsexy because I am. I wonder how I would manage if he were to exercise his rights as Master.

I miss Master since he returned home. I loved Master being with me and me being able to do things for him. I felt very special.

Master is away this weekend. This is the first evening in 7 months he has not summoned me to speak with him. It feels odd. I have him on my mind.
I will speak with my friend E, and there is endless tim e to speak with her, Normally I am eager to end conversations so that I can be available for Master. He wondered if I felt pressured. Oh no - I long to be summoned by him. I rush around to make sure I am available for him. Howver, I do of course recognise that my friends get little of my attention these days. So Master being away this weekend leaves me feeling like there is a lot of emptiness to fill.
I also have a guilt free weekend. I have no studying to do. Not that I was actually studying all through this year. But whilst I wasn't I was always feeling the guilt. Oh thank goodness the exam is over. I oscillate between thinking I have done enough for a Pass 4 to suddenly thinking what I didn't write and how awful it was.
Please Universe allow me the Pass 4. Ashamed as I am not to have put all y effort to attain the grades I now know I am capable of, I would be grateful to pass and not have to re-visit this grinding course. Elements have been fascinating but it's also very repetitive. Grrrrrrr.

My friend S is on SL. It's odd but it's created a desire for me to return and introduce her to PR - and to enjoy her newness - see it all again through her eyes. Wow reading about her first experiences how it reminded me of the childlike wonder of my arrival into SL. The magic, the splendour, the flying, the colours, the people, the incredible numbers of people, the funniest of new experiences, nudeness by accident, vampires, costumes, beauty, well I can go on and on recalling the scenes.
I told her to look after her heart and already I read that she has met a less than reliable person. I look forward to her meeting some of the lovely people. She has been to Chakryn Forest and oh my met someone who has started introducing her to Gorean slavery.
Wow when I think of all the things that she has yet to encounter. I have had such an adventure. I wish I had written my experiences as they happened. I get too impatient to write events after they have happened - after all too much is happening int he hear and now to go back. Yet I had so many wild and colourful experiences. Fun, sadness, shock, eye-opening shock, comfort, friendship, sharing, annoyance - well you name it I had it and a heap more too.