Buried on a glast

I just want to share that every so often sadness and loss washes over me and it can briefly be so very overwhelming that I have a moment of thinking what's the point. It's fleeting thank goodness. And have a change within me that challenges the instant thought of going down into the bleak blackness.
This feeling of just not wanting to carry on washes over me with the overhwlming sadness and remorse. I feel so sorry for the "shit" that I brought to my mum and dad. No wonder my dad didn't like me. How do I ever say sorry? I continue some of the "shit" with one unsatisfactory male connection after another. Accepting what's not acceptable from the very start because I am just grateful that someone shows an interest in me. I know that they are nor suitable but think I can overlook those things so long as the attention is given. But very soon I ralise that I cannot overlook those things especially as really those ar the things most prominent in reality. The things that are the attention are just the niceties of courting and flirting. What I am sofening on is that I have to discover this and usually know within 6 to 9 months and then can be honest and leave the relationship. That is something my dad would never give me the benefit of the doubt that I will discover and move on. So I stayed in it because I was too scared to leave. As if leaving a relationship is a crime. It's what it's all about - discovery and making choices. He on the other hand committed to my mum and stayed regardless ad similar probably with T, although perhaps he was really happy. I hope so.

I watched Mumfoird & Sons. A first experience despite hearing some of the songs subliminally. They were phonemenal last night. Energetic, folk, good lyrics. I think I spotted a look of being out of it in a couple of them and that made me feel sad. I felt sad because really my journey through adulthood has been " a bit if a train crash" to use an anology I really don't like. It's been a lot of muddle and often left a lot of people marred. I feel so sad about this right now. I was reminded by my sponsor that I have my Highper Power. I took 15 mins of quiet time this morning and saw how busy my thoughts are. No moments of silence at all. I smile as I know it takes more practice than the zero I've put into ti. I pray for the willingness to take quiet time. And I know that this might bring me some quiet with the sorrow that I'm feeling.
It just feels as if it's been a lot of adventure but with this underlying focus on being too fat ad ugly and not good enough. I remember being with M and not having any worries about liking music that was diffrent from his choice. But there was an arrogance of not thinking he was choosing good stuff. But I did want to sound "cool" with JP. He was cooler and more discerning and so I listende to what he liked. Now what's that about. And it mattered more what he thought of my choices. I bought albums that he liked. The person Iw as with would never be a good choice. That was a part of it. That's what my dad was like with my mum and I. We weren't good enough, everyone else was who he wanted to be like or admired to the point of idolisation until they showed their flaws and then he would drop them. He was so easily let down.

Anyway I really need to get on with some studying.
Oh a couple of hours chat with LW - no sex talk ad he was very very tired. I wonder what this is all about?? Baffling. He talked abnout being a grumpy man. Typical! I didn't like what I heard about his grumpiness with his sons. Tiredness and irritability are one thing. Acting out on it are another thing. He was quite right though in his understanding of his not knowing how to be the father to them having had not guidance himself as a child. Where does the learning come from without role models?
I had a friendly text from G too. Just when I'm constantly sitting with the loneliness I suddenly get contact from men. Anyway it was just funny banter and then I responded and he stopped. I think that's usual for him. It would be nice if we can be friendly. I know for sure I do not want aything more than that!!
I would quite like to be able to hand over his things from my car.

I am debt free I was able to say this morning. And heard myself saying that I've sort of created all that I always thought about. No real responsibility of a property. I living in rented accommodation. It's plenty big enough for LouLou and I and wonderful views. The sunset colours last night were stunning. And it's peaceful. I have my own front door, well a rented one. It's my own space rented from someone else and after all I can't take it with me and have no one to leave things to as in chidlren so what's the problem. I can't afford to travel as I'd like to and I can't afford to just buy things as I'd like to. I will probably need to take a loan to buy a new car at some point. i don;t want to be travelling so may miles as I do but that's the way it is to get to the job that gives me the income and a lot of relaxed freedom. I hope PD and I make it work.

What else? I don't know if there is any more.
I have absolutely loved the Glastonbury Beeb 2 highlights. Mumford and Sons were a sheer delight of an experience for me. Nick Cave as usual grabs something deep in my soul. Le Freak by Chic was good to watch. What is it about a man like Nial Rogers that is so beguiling by his look and the way he moves. God it's a sexy move. And black men like him. I find it very compelling viewing. Arctic Monkeys were brilliant. The Rolling Stones - how I wished I'd been there. Yes indeed some good acts. I would like to have been there very much. A dry Glastonbury as well. That would make it all the better! If I have a spare £200 odd next year then perhaps I'll go. Am I too old for the camping. When I start thinking of my numbers I wonder what the hell I'm thinking of but when I start thinking I just love the atmosphere and the music I don't give a damn about my age!!
I really do love music and dancing. It's good to move. I wanna move my body. Hopefully Tone will want to stay out for the first night at Uni and if we find somewhere for ML's birthday on the Tuesday it'll be a chance to move and laugh and try not to be self conscious OR on the "lookout". Just relax and enjoy being me. I need to keep turning away from those thoughts of "hmm, he's nice" or "he's looking" or "is he available?" etc etc.
I would like to meet someone who is on a spiritual journey and where we can meet with values principles and morals. Someone who is patient with me and loves me and is available to be loved. Someone who is comfortably off financially and not worried about me not having any money. Someone who has interest and is inspiring, someone who is not judgemental overly but has an open minded way with opinions. Someone who is presentable and attractive but not a flirt or vain. Someone who is loving, giving and sociable. Someone who likes to laugh and has a good humour, intelligent and bright. Someone who is emotionally intelligent and manages their emotions well, someone who may even be beyond the damage of the past at least moving out of it and taking responsibility for themself and being accountable today. Someone who won't mind that I make lots of mistakes with this. And someone who will tolerate me learning to tolerate them.
I'd like to meet someone handsome actually and with money and with all the other qualities and even more than those that I haven't thought of to list. Someone who enjoys music and going out. Someone who likes to travel and can afford for him and I to travel together. Someone who supports my food plan and recovery and someone who is secure int hemselves and good at reaassuing me about them. Someone who is decent and honourable and sexily comfotable with themselves and is happy to gently experiment.
I am looking for this man. And also I'd like this man to be accessible location wise.

Are you there Mr? I believe you are. How are we going to find each other? It would be nice if you were looking for me too? Hey you? Over here .....

Bliss
XX






 

Milk of Sorrow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXAi_o4N__o



Another enchanting film with real sadness yet delight as well.
ave a listen to the soundtrack via the link to You Tube.
Magaly Solier is an intriguing actress.

Bliss
XX

Gerhard Richter

Wow! What an exhibition. I loved it.
Since last writing I have been to see Degas ad Grayson Perry. Both wonderful experiences and very very different. But today I absolutely felt energised. Looing at the Degas I was bemused y the delicacy of his pastels but mainly felt a glow within from the later works. Although I loved the little ballerina sculpture. And I laughed out loud at the Grayson perry's - so entertaining and light yet precise and thoughtful. The Tomb of the Unamed Artist. He developed his ideas from artefacts he chose from around the British Musuem - artefacts of course with no known creators.
I laughed at his lightness and sense of fun. I adored his pots. A usual these days I wanted to take one.
I so wanted to take several of Richter's paintings.  I would so love to own peoples art work. The brush strokes just thrill me, or the trials and experiments. The live energy that has gone into them. I get so energised. And I did today. I felt the excitement enter me. I become all inspired myself. I want to do and try and play. Then I remind myself that I'm not good enough to.
I am ever so grateful that I can visit the galleries from time to time and learn and experience. I know little but nonetheless I am enthusiastic. I would so love to be able to get to see the Leonardo da Vinci exhibition - no tickets. Poop.







It's been an odd few months since I last poured my heart into writing. So much has happened I won't get it all written today. Perhaps I will write some of my experiences as I can recall them over the next couple of days. There has been death, passion, disappointment, changes, fear, interest and growth.
If only I could express that visually.

Oh heard a song this evening I liked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY5rB067518

I heard it on Black Mirror 2 15 million credits. The screenplay reminded me of SL - bu this was a living entrapment of it. Plauible future! Terrifying.

Well I'm off to beddie byes.

Bliss
xx

Lang Lang

Hoorah for his most exquisite delicacy on the grand piano.

Kinky Kinks

Dirty old river, must you keep rolling
Flowing into the night
People so busy, makes me feel dizzy
Taxi light shines so bright
But I don't need no friends
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Terry meets Julie, Waterloo Station
Every Friday night
But I am so lazy, don't want to wander
I stay at home at night
But I don't feel afraid
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Millions of people swarming like flies 'round Waterloo underground
But Terry and Julie cross over the river
Where they feel safe and sound
And they don't need no friends
As long as they gaze on Waterloo sunset
They are in paradise

Waterloo sunset's fine

Beautiful Stranger

Pete Atkin  

Beware Of The Beautiful Stranger

On the midsummer fairground alive with the sound
And the lights of the Wurlitzer merry-go-round
The midway was crowded and I was the man
Who coughed up a quid in the dark caravan
To the gypsy who warned him of danger
"Beware of the beautiful stranger"

"You got that for nothing" I said with a sigh
As the queen's head went up to her critical eye
"The lady in question is known to me now
And I'd like to beware but the problem is how
Do you think I was born in a manger?
I'm in love with the beautiful stranger"

The gypsy (called Lee as all soothsayers are)
Bent low to her globular fragment of star
"This woman will utterly screw up your life
She will tempt you from home, from your children and wife
She's a devil and nothing will change her
Get away from the beautiful stranger"

"That ball needs a re-gun" I said, shelling out
"The future you see there has all come about
Does it show you the girl as she happens to be
A Venus made flesh in a shell full of sea?
Does it show you the shape of my danger?
Can you show me the beautiful stranger?

"I don't run a cinema here, little man
But lean over close and tune in if you can
You breathe on the glass, give a rub with your sleeve
Slip me your wallet, sit tight and believe
And the powers-that-be will arrange a
Pre-release of the beautiful stranger"

In the heart of the glass I saw galaxies born
The eye of the storm and the light of the dawn
And then with a click came a form and a face
That stunned me not only through candour and grace
But because she was really a stranger
A total and beautiful stranger

"Hello there" she said with her hand to her brow
I'm the one you'll meet after the one you know now
There's no room inside here to show you us all
But behind me the queue stretches right down the hall
For the damned there is always a stranger
There is always a beautiful stranger

"That's your lot" said Miss Lee as she turned on the light
"These earrings are hell and I'm through for the night
If they'd put up a booster not far from this pitch
I could screen you your life to the very last twitch
But I can't even get the Lone Ranger
One last word from the beautiful stranger"

"You live in a dream and the dream is a cage"
Said the girl "And the bars nestle closer with age
Your shadow burned white by invisible fire
You will learn how it rankles to die of desire
As you long for the beautiful stranger"
Said the vanishing beautiful stranger

"Here's a wallet for you and five nicker for me"
Said the gypsy "And also here's something for free
Watch your step on my foldaway stairs getting down
And go slow on the flyover back into town
There's a slight but considerable danger
Give my love to the beautiful stranger"

Have You Got A Biro I Can Borrow?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVewSRHeKSQ

Have you got a Biro I can borrow? I'd like to write your name On the palm of my hand, on the walls of the hall The roof of the house, right across the land So when the sun comes up tomorrow It'll look to this side of the hard-bitten planet Like a big yellow button with your name written on it Have you got a Biro I can borrow? I'd like to write some lines In praise of your knee, and the back of your neck And the double-decker bus that brings you to me So when the sun comes up tomorrow It'll shine on a world made richer by a sonnet And a half-dozen epics as long as the Æneid Oh give me a pen and some paper Give me a chisel or a camera A piano and a box of rubber bands I need room for choreography And a darkroom for photography Tie the brush into my hands Have you got a Biro I can borrow? I'd like to write your name From the belt of Orion to the share of the Plough The snout of the Bear to the belly of the Lion So when the sun goes down tomorrow There'll never be a minute Not a moment of the night that hasn't got you in it

There's something out there trapping the freedom.

                                                       Andy Goldsworthy

Whenever feeling utterly bamboozled or bored by life, Bliss, seek a higher perspective.
Because being bamboozled or bored, means there is one.
Yeah,
    The Universe

I woke this morning and it was the first in a couple of days when I wasn't battling with thoughts of what is rational and what is the point. I am not sure what has made the difference, because nothing has changed.
I do know that I do not feel like meeting up with AV and BH on Saturday. Meeting with my dad feels less difficult but then I want to be honest with hm about something and ask for his help with finances for the next month. He will more than likely be angry and hostile which is not what I want.
JB very kindly offered to help so that there is not that extra element of anxiety.

Having already been for a walk with LouLou, just a little village walk, I feel a little more energised and can see hope. I am finding this all so very strange. I am not squashed of all emotions, I have the full range of emotions. So it's not a reaction to the situations in my life, although I am sure the stress and anxiety contributes. I can rationalise and when I read about acceptance and staying in the present etc., I completely see the point and understand intellectually but I have had difficulty making it stick. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I could keep actually bringing it back to being OK in that very moment.
Everything does feel wrong though. No not everything. Some things seem wrong. Where I am living has not seemed right since I moved here but I don't know what to do about it. The rent is so reasonable and affordable. If I were to rent on the open market it would be more than double. Furthermore, there is some permanency here which represents some security too. But like always that also leaves me feeling trapped by it.
I have felt that before - with mortgages on properties, with company cars. I feel a dependency or with the mortgage a responsibility that I must uphold. The crazy thing is I ran away from that responsibility when what I should have done was rented the property out. I was irresponsible with this trapped feeling taking over. But in this case I dependant financially as it's cost conscious ....
This I find is an odd way of looking at things. I wonder if my dad always felt trapped by the trappings? Hence he was always wanting to move. I also don't like staying so long anywhere. It's as if the newness goes and I want to leave all behind. I don't know how else to put this into words. I get a feeling of being unsettled in the settlement.

One thing for sure is hat I am tired of my long days and would prefer home and work to be closer to each other. I do not want to be far from my friends either. Ideally I could leave nearer Farnham.
You see this is very different thinking.Yesterday I just couldn't see the point of anything at all and that the only solution was death.
I would also like to work less. If only I had the confidence to start working in my own practice. The first thing I must do is get my accreditation. It feels a big task with my OU studies going on at the same time, but if I can just get to it then I put myself in a better position in the longterm.
I suppose it would be worth talking with P when I am back at work to see if he knows what is required. Or I could even phone the FDAP once I get the membership renewed by the P. I left that invoice with Neil so that's something to follow up. My guilt for being off sick would normally halt me from doing that. But I really do want to follow through. Including my request for a pay rise in line with the additional work I take on in PD's absence.
I am aware he is very sad with the death of his mum. I feel sorry that right now I am unable to be supportive at work. He said he feels better being at work. I thought that was also him suggesting the same for me, but perhaps that is my own paranoia. I felt that anything ET said was loaded with suggestions that the same applies to me.

I feel relieved to feel slightly better today. I am even enthused to get on with some studying. It helped havings ent through my stats yesterday.

Having been introduced to LP, there is some very awkward communications and I am not sure I can be bothered to keep trying. Whereas another new person is very chatty. I have so many good friends I will not go out of my way - I am much happier standing back a little. I am comfortable making myself available to support RB at ths time of difficulty for her and she is the sister of one of my best friends.

I feel safest at the moment with AB. I wonder if that is because there is little demand, it's easy. Not sure. Don't need to ask why just accept that I feel safe there and with her.

STUDYING!!!!
No doubt I will write more later in my next break
Bliss
XX


This is for JH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHwqYd_G43Y

Music Night

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdNAZ8868YE&feature=related
Smog - Vessel in Vain

I cant be held responsible for the things I say
For I am just a vessel in vain
And I cant be held responsible
for the thing I see
For I am just a vessel in vain
No boat out on no ocean
No name there on no hull
And its not a strain at all to remember
Those that Ive left behind
Theyre all standing right here beside me now
And most of them with a smile

My ideals have got me on the run
Towards my connection with everyone
My ideals have got me on the run
Its my connection with everyone

Such free reign
For a vessel in vain



Used in the brilliant film - Dead Man's ShoesWell worth a watch. Shane Meadows.
But I think I overdid him if that makes sense
A Room for Romeo Brass is also brilliant and This is England.

Bliss
xx

I knew someone who understood what it meant to dance the Tango

http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&feature=related&hl=uk&v=Ne_2mtGEAzM

Zahra Hindi - Beautiful Tango

Beautiful tango, take me by the hand
Beautiful tango, until you make me dance
How sweet it can be, if you make me dance
How long will it last, baby if we dance?

Come to the, come to the world
Come to the, come to the world
And baby let me show you things
'Cos time is running and we can't lose,
baby come and dance we gonna make it through
'Cos we've got time
Yes we've got time

Beautiful stranger, don't want to know your name
Beautiful stranger, just want to take your hand
How sweet it can be, if you make me dance
How long will it last, baby if we dance?

Come to the place where the skin speaks
Secret words in Spanish
Where the night turns out the lights of day
For us to show some courage

So don't go, if you wanna know
Don't go, if you don't know
Don't go, if you wanna know
Don't go, don't go, don't go
Beautiful stranger, take me by the hand
Make me dance all night
I wanna take the chance
I love the way you move
And the way you
Put your hands on my hips
Are moving while you take it slow
Makes me feel like I'm on a river flow
'Cos we've got time
And yes we've got time

Beautiful stranger, I wanna loose my mind
Beautiful stranger, in the danger of your eyes
Beautiful stranger, oh oh oh oh

I remember, I remember, I remember... your

Sweet music, sweet sweet music, sweet music rising...
 

Everywhere I turn today it's bleak and heartache

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yPMdWxSxUg
Cibelle - Green Grass

Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me

Come closer don't be shy
Stand beneath a rainy sky
The moon is over the rise
Think of me as a train goes by
Clear the thistles and brambles
Whistle 'Didn't He Ramble'
Now there's a bubble of me
And it's floating in thee
Stand in the shade of me
Things are now made of me
The weather vane will say
It smells like rain today
God took the stars and he tossed them
Can't tell the birds from the blossoms
You'll never be free of me
He'll make a tree from me

Don't say good bye to me
Describe the sky to me
And if the sky falls, mark my words
We'll catch mocking birds

Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me
Remember when you loved me
Remember when you loved me

Goo Goo Dolls
Before it's too late

I wander through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
and I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes
And

Hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
and the risk that might break you

Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life

Patti

take me now baby here as I am
hold me close, try and understand
desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
love is a banquet on which we feed

come on now try and understand
the way I feel when I'm in your hands
take my hand come undercover
they can't hurt you now,
can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now
because the night belongs to lovers
because the night belongs to love
because the night belongs to lovers
because the night belongs to us

have I doubt baby when I'm alone
love is a ring, the telephone
love is an angel disguised as lust
here in our bed until the morning comes
come on now try and understand
the way I feel under your command
take my hand as the sun descends
they can't touch you now, lololoooo
can't touch you now, can't touch you now
because the night belongs to lovers ...

with love we sleep
with doubt the vicious circle
turn and burns
without you I cannot live
forgive, the yearning burning
I believe it's time, too real to feel
so touch me now, touch me now, touch me now
because the night belongs to lovers ...
because tonight there are two lovers
if we believe in the night we trust
because tonight there are two lovers ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoGdx3I3dPE&feature=related

Cabinet of Curiosities

Kenneth Snelson

"...concerned with the interplay of natural forces, and a dedication to finding ways in which those forces might manifest themselves in three-dimensional forms. "

Following JH's visit to USA - what interesting ideas - looks like a galaxy of stars - not my orignial thought but it kind of associated for me. It's actually called Sleeping Dragon.
 Atom

The incredibly haunting voice of Ofra Haza - what a sound. Singing Led Zeppelins song beautifully. At least I think it is their song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu5Cgb6Yy4Y&feature=related

I first heard Ofra as the vocals on Sarah Brightmans album Harem. But there is no version on You Tube. It's stunning on her album




Check out these two ....


http://www.google.co.uk/images?q=gilbert+and+george&hl=en&safe=off&rls=com.microsoft:en-gb:IE-Address&rlz=1I7SKPB&prmd=ivnsu&source=lnms&tbs=isch:1&ei=694yTebCMIfQjAePtv3YCg&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CBQQ_AUoAQ&biw=1259&bih=606





Sorry about the extortionate link address
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_and_George
My friend sees one or both of them at her market stall and suggested I take a look.

I found myself attracted and yet for what I do not know. Initially it seemed to be to be incredibly narcissistic that George and Gilbert seem to be the feature of every piece of work. And then when I considered this more, of course everyone is at the centre of everything they do even if its altruism. And so the fact that their work is developed around their lives in the East End it is about them - why not?
Colourful in a sort of satirical way. Everything about their work seems to be an incredibly strong message. I am not sure if this is what they are intending. I would imagine so because of the subjects they are appearing in.
If AB and I go to the Tate Modern next Saturday as planned I will look out for them. I am not even sure they are there. I suppose it's possible to check out what is in each gallery in advance. They have a new exhibition at the White Cube. Mmmm its a way from the Tate but will see what AB thinks


I like this T-shirt even though I am anti the whole designer clothes cost thing. I appreciate that designers should be paid their worth, I just have something against the whole hiked up prices for articles of clothing reproduced over and over and over again and sold at extortionate prices. I have probably got this all wrong as I have not done any research. Yes I can see quality stuff and materials - but truly the prices are diriculous and I always suspect where and the conditions under which some things are made.

I think last night you were drawing circles around me.

Words of a song - actually couldn't decide whether I like the singer or not which means I probably don't. A lot of the female singers these days leave me unable to determine whether I like them or not. I think they all sound so similar. Some lyrics stand out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VA8uaumikU Kirsten Hersh - actually re listening to her it's not bad. But it's all the same pace - mmmm not being inspired really


AB recommended Rumer - she sounds very much like Karen Carpenter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxBTLzMEsrU&feature=related

ET recommended Duffy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ5-L9znt8 - wow powerful lyrics. And there is something slightly different about her in a familiar way though. I think I relate with the pain of her song more than enjoy the song itself. Let's try another ..nah - boring voice - always the same!

Ha ha ha Francoise Hardy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aLoezucIzk&feature=related

Wouldn't you think writing a Blog would make things easier to locate. Uh uh. I cannot not locate something I wrote about.

Last night I spoke with JH. Gosh it's so painful. I want to be with all the wonderful things about JH I love so much. I feel such loss. I keep thinking this is such a big mistake, that if he can do things differently and if I can bear all the things I am struggling with. I truly believe we can get through things together. But his emotional attachment elsewhere is too big for me at this stage in my own development. It's seeming too big for us. He is unable to hold me within it all as well. I wanted him to be able to hold me but he has too much of his own to hold. God! my heart is broken.
The funny thing is that I think because he and I have been so close he will not believe the things I say that I see. He will think there is an agenda. I can see the ways in which he is drawn and I felt them so strongly and how he is not giving himself a proper chance to get to the point of emotional acceptance. He just isn't ready yet to make the necessary changes. He is holding on holding on.
Well its not surprising - not wanting to lose something and then compromising so as not to lose everything. Painful. Same feelings and thinking I am going through but not with decades of togetherness as well.
And then I think actually he is probably relieved - that he didn't really ever feel strongly for me anyway. After all we met under such murky conditions and all so fleeting. And he says he has never done what he has done like he has with me - flying over here I know he was referring to.
I feel angry - it's not with JH. I don't know where to put the anger though. I want to put it on him but it's not his fault. He is where he is and how he is. It's not his fault he isn't available to love me the way I want him to. I am angry and so it turns inwards. I can feel it.

Poo my tyre is completely flat. Phew Tim has offered t help me put on the spare. Damn thee are no tyre places open today. The one in Farnham is the one I trust. I should have sorted it out when it was just a slow puncture. Damn my disorganisation. I am at work most of my days and it is so frustrating. I have so little time and when I do I am feeling exhausted. I do not like this energy rain I am in at the moment. Please God can you lift it from me and keep it away forever.
I was talking with a friend about how people say we can whatever we want. The Universe says this. Think about whatever it is and already you are beginning to manifest it. I agree with having ambition and desire and by thinking about things we can start to put things in place.
But I want my mum to be alive and I cannot have that. I want my dad to get honest and love me, I want my cousin to not have Cancer. I want JH to be able to love me fully and openly.
See wanting all these things is not meaning that they will manifest as I want them to. It's bullshit.
What I do know is that whatever happens in life and death I will be OK. It might hurt, or disappoint or even a host of feelings that seem difficult at the time BUT whatever they are I will be OK - in that I have faith.
Ugh God please release me from this pain. I want to feel OK NOW!!!!!!! I am truly broken hearted and it hurts like hell. I cant be bothered to do anything and yet I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
So JH suggested we speak next weekend. It seems so horrid - so long apart. I miss him. Everything seems OK for him - he still has all the things that are truly important to him around him.He can keep trying to hang onto them and not make changes. He says he wants to change. I know how difficult that is. I truly understand.
Make the transition from lovers to friends. Phew that's hard.
It's somehow an easier relationship in the long run maybe. It's certainly easy with Andy and John. I am not attached in a particular way. ML ET AB AM - well the friendships are true love. We fight at times in our own ways but they are totally dependable. They are them and I am me. That has taken time to develop. Perhaps JH and I got involved all too quickly and so didn't allow the friendship to develop at all and know whether we really like and love each other. There are many things I like and love I just am not OK with the emotional situation and how he has treated women albeit he hasn't realised what he has been doing.
As Duffy says you are very loving but you don't love me. Phew I wanted him to love me as I love him. We could have been great together.
I hope we can be great friends instead.
I am hurting so damned much - when will this go away.
Right bath then wait for Tim then late arrival at ML's for dahl lunch.

Oh and did i tell you how much physical pain I am in. It's difficult to find things to be grateful for when in physical pain. I am not OK with this physical pain. Something needs to go away.

Oh I bet JH is relieved now that he doesn't have to deal with a person he considered to be mental!!!! That's my anger and how hurt I am about his opinion shared with another stranger. I am still really fucked off about that. It's my own issue I know. The ignorance of people around depression. Not being ignorant just not knowing. But instead of talking to me about my private business he chose to speak to an ex flirt. Damn that pisses me off. Not a close friend another of the women he has met in passing. Phew that stinks. I wouldn't dream of talking to a person any less than the most important people who I really know and can rely on with privacy and integrity - not some flit by night contact however long they have been talking. Bollocks to that!!
I am sure I am over angry about this because it's somewhere to flip out my anger - I need a fucking release for this anger.
And then I think anyone reading this will have something to comment about anger - well yes I am angry!! And I am bloody pleased that I am able to acknowledge it and let it out. So many people think anger is not allowed and bad. Anger is absolutely appropriate and needs to be accepted and let out. Otherwise it stays in a stews. Anyone who says they are not angry is lieing to themselves..
Check out the research if you don't believe me.
Anyway who cares if people judge me harshly or negatively - if they do they don't know me. I am wholesome. Sensitive. Spirited. And proud of it. Wholesome by the way means yin and yang. black and white, positive and negative, good and bad. I accept that in me and there is a relief in that. Not trying to act as if I am perfect. Far from it just working towards it until the day I die.

Bliss
x

Georgia on my mind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Thls_tMuFkc
Georgia, Georgia, the whole day through
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind
Talkin' 'bout Georgia
I'm in Georgia
A song of you
Comes as sweet and clear as moonlight through the pines
Other arms reach out to me
Other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see
The road leads back to you
Georgia, sweet Georgia, no peace I find
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind
Other arms reach out to me
Other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see
The road leads back
It always leads back to you
I'm in Georgia, Georgia, sweet Georgia
No peace, no peace I find
Just this old, sweet song
Keeps Georgia forever on my mind
Just an old sweet, sweet song
Keeps Georgia forever on my mind


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrrqcKtdPto&feature=related
Rainy Night In Georgia sung by Randy Crawford


Opening up my suitcase
Trying to find a warm place
To spend the night
Heavy rains are falling
Seems I hear your voice calling
Alright
A rainy night in georgia
A rainy night in georgia
I believe that it's raining all over the world
I feel that it's raining all over the world
Neon signs are flashing
Taxis, cabs and buses passing
Through the night
A distant moment of the train
Seems to play a sad refrain
To the night
A rainy night in Georgia
Such a rainy night in Georgia
I believe that it's raining all over the world
I feel like it's been raining all over the world
How many times I've wondered
It still comes out the same
No matter how you look at it often
It's life and we've just got to play the game
I shake the rain from my sweater
take out your letters to pass some time
last it night when its time to rest
i hold your pictures to my breast
and I feel fine, fine
It's a rainy night in Georgia
Such a rainy night in Georgia
I feel that it's raining all over the world
Lord I feel like it's raining all over the world
Rainy night
Such a rainy night
It still comes out the same




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAExrFCVVT0


DL11
Departing: Sat 09:15 Terminal N London Gatwick Apt (LGW),London, United Kingdom
Arriving: Sat 13:55 Terminal S, Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson Intl Apt (ATL), Atlanta, United States

Sat 15Jan ATLANTA hostel +14048759449

Sun 16Jan Hostel in the Forest Brunswick
Mon 17Jan Hostel in the Forest Brunswick
Tue 18Jan Hostel in the Forest Brunswick info@foresthostel.com
 tel:912-264-9738 http://www.foresthostel.com/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/57328809@N00/




Wed 19 Jan Savannah: 78 miles (1,5 hrs)

Wed 19 Jan Charleston, SC 116 miles (2 hrs 15 mins)
Notso Hostel, 156 Spring St. Charleston, SC 29403 main tel: 843-722-8383

Thurs 20Jan Asheville, NC
Fri 21Jan Asheville

Bon Paul & Sharkey's, 816 Haywood Road, Asheville, NC 28806 phone +18283509929



Sat 22Jan Atlanta 207 miles (4 hours) (arrive 14:00!)
DL12
Departing: Sat 17:30 Terminal S Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson Intl Apt (ATL),Atlanta, United States
Arriving: Sun 07:00 Terminal N, London Gatwick Apt (LGW), London, United Kingdom
 
Gosh I can't believe I actually booked the flights. And the only reason I can is because JH has offered to assist me financially and lend me the money. I feel incredibly disappointed in myself of my financial situaion.
Costs are increasing and I have some necessities to have to pay out for that have been now accounting for the money  have been saving.
I feel aggrieved that the extra work I have been doing to earn extra money is now being taken up with rapidly incresaing costs in this country. It is frightening actually.
And tehn I will be startiny my course on 5th Feb - just a couple of weeks after getting back so I will need to start doing some reading in preparation very soon.
How exciting -also how worrying - clothes and damn just about a month before we go.
Let's hope we remain friends at the very least :)
 
JH has an interesting road trip planned out - and I will do some reading too to see if there are thigns along the way that would be particularly interesting to me.
 
How very exciting!!
Bliss
XX

Him

My manic and I
Laura Marling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOYZwQ8-FEE

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva,
The mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him,
But the beauty of his death will carry on so
I don't believe him

He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him
And sometimes we're scorned and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy,
Get scared and call him but he's usually hazy
At one in the morning the day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend.
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it,
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it

And I don't believe him
Morning is mocking me
I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats
Til' the ring on my finger slips to the ground
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city
The veins of which have broken me down.

And I don't believe him,
Morning is mocking me

Oh the gods that he believes, never fail to amaze me
He believes in the love of his god of all things,
But I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last that we parted, since last that I saw him
Down by a river silent and hardened
Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky.
I was just happy my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down
And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend
I don't believe in a fairy tale end
I don't keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.
And I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that we're ill
I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that I'm ill

And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down

Feeling the way I do

Is There Nothing We Could Do?


Rushing round in circles
To brighten all the corners
Busy making friends with all your enemies
You finger through your bible
Whilst looking through your window
The look you gave erased a thousand memories
Ooooh I am sorry, ooooh I am sorry
This page in your story won't turn
Who am I to ask you why
You feel the way you do
If you feel the way you do
Is there nothing we could do?
With advice I'd warn her
Don't idolise your neighbour
Maybe something else is the enemy
But who put out the fire
What you asking me for
The simple things you need for a remedy
Ooooh I am sorry, ooooh I am sorry
This page in your story won't turn
Who am I to ask you why
You feel the way you do
If you feel the way you do
Is there something we could do?
If only you could know there is life through your window
Oh but even so I don't know where would you go
The time you waste would still turn into memories
Who am I to ask you why
You feel the way you do
If you feel the way you do
Is there nothing we could do?
Couldn't you just ask me why
You feel the way you do
There's one thing I'd say to you
There must be something we could do
Just go ahead and ask me the question

Faith

The Shining Badly Drawn Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2Sc6-pvZjs

Faith pours from your walls drowning you calls
I've tried to hear you're not near
Remembering when I saw your face
Shining my way pure timing
Now I've fallen in deep slow silent sleep
It's killing me I'm dying
To put a little sunshine in your life

Soleil all over you warm sun pour sover me
Soleil all over you
Warm sun

Now this slick fallen rift
Came like a gift
Your body moves ever nearer
And you will dry this tear
Now that we're here and grieve for me not history
But now I'm dry of thoughts wait for the rain
Then it's replaces sun setting
And suddenly you're in love with everything

Soleil all over you warm sun pours over me
Soleil all over you
Warm sun

Bliss
XX

obsessive love - Papa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLsIs8dVyK8

NATASHA'S SONG


Sung by Emily Blunt



I see you from my window

Walking with her there

I don't have to know which number

I won't stop you touch her hair

I don't need to see you waving

When you slip away at night

I don't have to know what happened

As you crawl back when it's light



I don't need you to look at me

And tell me how many hundreds there have been

I don't want to have to listen

As they fall a constant stream

I don't need to catch you with them

Your voice so full of joy

As you murmur your little nothings

My own Papa so very coy



Mon cherie Papa

Mon cherie Papa



I don't need you to say I love you

I don't need you to say goodnight

I don't need you to caress me

I don't need to be held tight

I only want you to be ready

To know my voice will never ring

To know there'll never be another letter

You've got to hear this one small thing



I need you to remember

That I never was your shame

I always was your daughter

I never did complain

I always was your daughter

I never did complain

Music

Writing this as an email to someone I know who and noone else will. Hopefully
Love addiction is absolutely rife right now - grrrrr with me. Know my thinking is skewed

What about .... like any of these?

Talking Heads? Strokes? Stranglers? Sex Pistols? T.REX?

Really not getting any studying done - it's too good listening to music.

Playing a real mix. Gets in my soul. Love the sound of guitar (some) - like great lyrics.

The Church (might be a bit girly for you?) They were a band I organised their travle for when I worked for a specialised travel agent - they were real buggers. Also looked after Dire Straits amongst others. DS were a nice load of guys particularly Mark Knopfler. That seems like another life....!

Sting?
Tom Waits - what an incredible insight he has.
cringe to mention Stevie Nicks - definatley not a boys music taste normally but surely fanciable? Bit poppish as Fleetwood Mac became really.

Steve Harley? Chased all over Victoria in my 20's to try and catch a glimpse of him. Blimey he's rough for wear now. Used to find him so so so sexy.
Along with Paul Weller . Seen him a few times live. Saw in an hotel I was having dinner in - London I somewhere.He was staying there. Fancied him so much.

Steely Dan - mmmm - give or take it really. Bit twee for me really!


Forgot to ask - conservative Conservative or socialist?


I am a Rock - I am an Island - I have no friendship, friendships causes pain .... If I had never loved I never would have cried
... I am shielded in my armour .... I touch noone and noone touches me ... and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries

A most peculiar man - what a sad sad sad song
Simon and Garfunkl

and sound-wise ( not necessarily sentiment in a way ) the extreme of Sex Pistols Anarchy in the UK

Already discussed The Ruts Babylon's Burning - anxiety!
Rory Gallagher - introduced to his guitar playing in my 20's - drnk himself to death poor man. Rock so maybe not your cuppa

Richie Havens - went and met him at Guilfest - Freedom - I want freedom

Randy Newman - an amazing observer - his lyrics really seem to have an insight into people - whereas I think Tom Waits seem to get inside the characters he writes about. Real Emotional Girl makes me cry every time I stop to lsiten properly.

Guilty -
Yes baby I been drinkin'And I shouldn't come by I knowBut I found myself in troubleAnd I had nowhere else to goGot some whisky from the barmanGot some cocaine from a friendI just had to keep on movin'Til I was back in your arms againGuilty baby I'm guiltyAnd I'll be guilty the rest of my lifeHow come I never do what I'm supposed to doHow come nothin' that I try to do ever turns out right?You know you know how it is with me babyYou know, I just can't stand myselfAnd it takes a whole lot of medicineFor me to pretend that I'm somebody else

A bit of Prince? Kiss - not a real big fan but think he has a talent.

Feel So Low - Porcupine Tree - don't like anything else they have done but this one ..... emotive

Paul Simon - Graceland - love the rhythm/african influence = another great poet - the people going to Graceland. Diamonds on the soles of her shoes


Oh and just been rreminded of a film I loved - Belleville Rendezvous - have you seen it? Be careful if anyone is listening as the tune is catchy and don't want to be catched opps caught
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjjZsp2hDxk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDCOxHz3EVw&NR=1
just a clip of the music in case you haven't seen it or can't remember it

Ordinary Boys - introduced to Seaside - good

Nirvana - brilliant love em - watched the documentary - Nick Broome wasn't it?
He, Kurt Cobain, was so fucked up - he so needed treatment - traumatised and I am so attracted to that tragedy - and the drugs and the lowlife. yum yum
Heart-shaped box, Come as You Are, Lake of Fire, Lithium - the sound really gets into me.
Can't say I am a fan of Nik Kershaw - keep trying but he just doesn't grab me. Off with his head!

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - now that grabs me - big time!!!

The Murder Ballads - I wonder where he got his stories from. Who was Mary Bellows and Lottie from Milhaven? They must be based on some truth? And Crow Jane. I like his film The Proposition. Would ike to see it again some time.

I'm going to end this now and do some studying ............. will write more soon
Don't know why I've done this really - really have engaged with the music whilst waiitng for my love addiction to be fed and it hasn't been. I think I have given up now - no no there's a little hope still as soon as I wrote that. Poo poo poo.
It's really altered my mood - DOWN!
Wiaitng waiting waiting and not getting my studying done - shit!

Right reading quietening the music down adn not listening to it ananlysing it no no no more

X

Getting to my soul

Wow - soul feeding todday - playing music. Supposed to be studying but it's getting right inside. The sound of guitar, lyrics, the sound changes, the rhythm. It fires my soul sometimes.
But I am not getting any work done.
This is the problem when I play music I get drawn into it. The TV can be blasting out and I don't even hear it. Just doesn't lift the life it deadens it I think.
Nice evening last nigth but as ususla feel like a dreadful person for things I say and do. Yuch. I realise thought that there are so many elements of insecurity at play. I think A really has a problem with me if some sort and I don't know what it might be. So I wanted to show tat I am a nice person and how close M and I are. Yuch that owenership I show over someone. Poor M I want to apologise to her today.
I am suspicious sometimes of S's motives. I feel mean thinming like that but I seem to sense a vicious streak - I know it comes from a lot of damage but I do't think there's awareness and therefore it can be outwardly damaging to others still.
I wonder what I am doing that I am as yet unaware of that is potentially damaging to others?
Right more studying - sure to write more later