Vulnerable Adults

Abuse - individual or institutional

Mental confusions
Insomnia
Pitch of talkking - speed of talking
Low self-esteem
angry - physical or verbal outbursts
sudden gain/loss of weight
withdrawal from friendships
communication difficulties

Beliefs -
deserve abuse
fear of abandonment
change subject frequently
significant pauses or silences
avoid emotions by talking about what others may feel
avoid exporessing opinions by asking someone to express their opinions
A talkative person becomes silent

personal hygiene
realxed or tense?
arms folded?
leaning towards or away
eye contact strong or completely avoided

Breezy

Erwin Olaf


 At least JH and I were able to have some light and breezy when we met today. And I enjoy him introducing photographers to me.

I felt the anger at one point. I can see now that it is there simmering and JH rightly is aware of it. I am gald to be able tp acknowledge it with him so that I then don;t act out harshly with it and punish him or try to impose the anger I feel. I know myself that someone's anger has been difficult for me. I feel the deep sense of everything being my fault. It's a hard lesson to learn that we affect each other and anger isn;t smoehting I want to evoke in anyone. Why? Because when I evoked anger as a child my dad over reacted. He would shame me and at times hit me. He always verbally demeaned my sense of self. I was a bad person. So when anyone has been angry I go straight back to the shameful me. Yet I have been learning that anger when appropriately sized is evoked for good reason. For example when someone's boundary is crossed. Anger has a purpose. It serves to help protect us - flight or fight when taken back in evolutionary purposes. Anger helps to get the adrenalin flowing and energises the body first to run and then if unable to run then to battle.
So when I felt angry earlier on it was good to acknowledge it and then not to act impulsively on it. I did not need to behave in a way that would demeane JH, I simply stated that i feel angry. Boundaries and preferences that I stated very clearly have been crossed. And whilst JH says he was not aware, he knew at some level that he not deceiving me. He is far from a stupid man so I felt angry. It's bound to come up after all the hurt. Often men just touch a shade of hurt and divert to anger much sooner than women. I know it is a part of the process.
But what I also recognise has been triggered is the childhood trauma. Now I am not putting this on JH at all. But the poor fragile me has been through a lot this week. And at work ther has been a lot of first time disclosure of rapes and sexual abuse. Not to mention the announcements of paedophilia rings being brought to trial.Me thinkgin about those poor little girls and brings to mind CH. I am cross with IC, I expect CH is using heroin by now.
I felt the trauma rising in me. At first I had this overwhleming sadness that seemed not to be attached to anything. It was just nig and fore veryone on the planet struggling with life on life's terms. We all have to deal with difficulties of varying degrees. I felt the pain of the masses. And then I went into a sort of panic attack.
Shaking and feeling aboiut 5 years old. I suddenly couldn't discern good from evil. I suddnely wondered whether perhaps JH wants to hurt me. I don;t believe that of him at all ut I could not quell the panic and trauma. I felt disgust through my body and cringing at having genitals, I can;t even write the revolting feeling that went through me. I have known so many abusers and of course I attracted them. I did not know that I did not need to be abused.
So any old abuser could come along and abuse me. Bastards. Why do people wnt to do that? Why? Universe I still don't get it.
I used to go over and over with SC (therapist). The greatest unanswered questionthat seems to never be reconciled. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Despie seeking answers from Buddhist monks and Christian priests and supposed sages, I still cannot reconcile this.
The little girls of Soham still reverberate around my head. And now these little girls and CH. It's the only way to sort of raise the question as it's somehow not permissible for me to raise it for myself. I am not worhty of that attention as I still have difficulty believing what I know is true.
Just my rectio tonight is more evidence of the vile truth.

I think JH thinks I am a mental case. I think he is truggling to actually like me. I think he doesn;t knw. I love him. He isn;t sure if i Like him. I like him. Many things I like about him. He talks about being putr on a pedestal when we first me by me and he feels as if he is tumbling off. I did not put him on a pedestal. All the qualities I saw then, I see now. I did not know what I also knwo now. And it's going to take time to build trust. I am choosing to be in ther ealtionship so have to put trust into him yet again. And I am believing him that he is affecting change.
I am so scared of being hurt again and my decision to stay being the wrong one. Yet at the same time I like and love being with JH and talking aout all sorts of things.
I long to be cuddled up with him safe and just there. I do not want sex right at this time I feel too much disgust but I think this is linked with the little trauma panic.
Well I hand it over to you Universe.
Thanks for getting me through today, I don;t feel great but I am getting to bed now in one piece.

Bliss
XX

Annie Liebowtiz - http://www.pbs.org/wnet/americanmasters/episodes/annie-leibovitz/photo-gallery/19/

Curious - just love the word

LL is chasing her tail here. Always makes me smile. It's damned cold. Low cloud, I wonder if the snow is making it's way here after all. I will take LL for a walk shortly but no more bravery, I really need to wrap up warm.
I hope it doesn't sow whilst I am out. I do not want to get stranded just as I did last year. And the snow is early this year. WOW!

Well JH and I spoke last evening. I could not wait any longer.
I read his Blog and the intrigue was cast ...... reading his thoughts and feeling my loss of our love I sent a message. Oh no actually I was talking with big HB. We were laughing and recounting tales from our days together in the past. It was lovely and funny too. We both learnt a lot about ourselves way back then but also she reminded me that I tried to kill myself. She was beside herself. We talked about the extent to which she went to try and find me after I disappeared out of hers and little HB's life.
I love little HB so much and of course big HB. Little HB has real difficulty over her father. Apparently she became distraught just recently when she thought she had lost my home phone number. It makes me feel special for a moment but I also become instantly aware that it is not me but a little girl who is already set on a path of fear of abandonment. With a mum who from time to time relapses and his chaotic - the inconsistency is the issue. I know big HB absolutely adores little HB and is such a fun mother - so creative. What a wonderful person big HB is ..... she is such a funny creator. She found a stray dog and called it Flea. So what with her other dog Duck, a rabbit called Stu, two cats and a snake - all in their little flat. big HB is a wonder that few others have encountered. I hope some day that she will be better known to the world.
She thinks the two of us could write our book and make a fortune. Just write about the occasions when we were out there together. Ha ha. It nearly killed me but bloody hell what a time.
I has spoken extensively with little HB just the evening before and we are arranging to meet in London to celebrate both big and little HB's birthdays. As a fairy Godmother I am useless. little HB's birthday is on the same day as my mum died so there is no bloody reason why I forget to do anything - I am very lazy about birthdays. Everyone's. Always have been. I used to really upset my mum when I forgot hers. She wouldn't even open the envelope if it arrived even one day later. That went for anyone's late arrivals actually. She could be a stubborn and cantankerous

Anyway, off the a story. I sent a Whatsapp earlier to see if there was a time to speak together that would suit both of us. When he responded I responded immediately. We entered into a little Whatsapp dialogue and then both thought we could talk now. Well once I had finished speaking with big HB, JH and I tried speaking on Skype but for some odd reason neither my mic or speakers worked. So we tried the landline but my handset battery was already worn down after a long, long talk with big HB. So then we managed to get Skype on iPhone. Marverllous piece of kit and iPhone. One expense I am pleased with.

I listened with interest as JH spoke about the things he has done. I can hear it's for himself. Massive potential for the freedom he has been looking for. He attended CoDA although I already knew this from reading his Blog. I wasn't clear on many things as he seemed to be speaing abstractly at times. Just vague remarks. I became confused really - Do have any right to want to know more. After all we finished the relationshio this week. If it were my friends yes I would ask them to clarify and be specific but I don;t knwo wat JH and I are.
He says he would like to remain as girlfriend and boyfriend - as a couple. I want that but am also scared to be. My heart has been really hurt. He says that he would like me to let bygones be bygones. But this recent past behaviour is there and has informed the way we have related with each other. It's not as if we are meeting for the first time and can talk about the past as being in the past. It is what I know of him.
I do believe I have been pretty consistent. I know that with my instinctive inquisitiveness about his behaviour I have not liked the way I was becoming. I knew even thoug I didn't know details. And it just seemed that the only way I could chekc that I wasn;t mad was to try and force it out of JH and then finally the most disgusting of all to be checking his emails. The snooping as Lace Foxglave was low but it got lower.
I do not want to be in a relationship where that is necessary. I do not like that in me. Having got that far it had to end. There was no trust whatsoever and it was completely founded.
Universe - please?

I have to go to get my hair cut and coloured.

Bliss
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