Well I have woken up with a longing for JH. Unhealthy things I am doing - checking his Blog, sitting wondering who he is replacing me with now, oh blah, blah, blah.
And probably wriring this. I noiced someone from Sweden had read the Blog. Well if I don;t want strangers to read it I can block it but at the same time a Blog is for reading.
So as you can see Universe I have started off in 2011 with confusion and too much thinking - hahahahaha.
So wriring this is a reminder to stop.
I need to rush out soon anyway. I have a nice day planned - looking forward to friends and chats and laughs and countryside.
I had a strange dream this morning. I drove my toy elecreic car to the station to get the platform tickets. I was watching myself drive the car in. Often during my dreams I flit between observing and being actually in it.
I didn;t understand why I was going to get the platform tickets in advance. Anyway I parked the car actually at the end of the queue.
I was behind a number of people. Some of the people queuing were tkane into the ticket office to be shown how it all works. The woman was very lou and excitable. She wathced her tickets get produced. The man in fornt of me was very tall. He went to take his tickets fomr the till thing and the woman said he's trying to steal my tickets. He was very tolerant it seemed.
I started walking away on remembered my toy car. It was gone!!
I then started a frantic search for it. There was only one way they could have gone as suddenly I was in a massive construction. It turned out to be an enormous shopping centre
I got to the top and was precariously climbing some steps up around a pillar. I could eaasily have missed my footing and fallen. All this time I was now actually in the dream
I wonder if I start as observer and gradually get involved. Mmmm I think I do.
I then met someone I knew on his bike and I think he said "is that your car". Now it was a big shiny car with a registration plate but still not a road car. Some kids had it and were driving own a long wide passage. I asked im to ride after them and stop them. They we re only little. He said we both needed to get there to round them up.
Anyway we did and I shouted "oi". The kids were boys, dirty and not pleasant. Anyway we took the car from them. They were pushing it and were asking how to make it work. I just glared at them. They had made it really dirty with sweet sticky stuff which I started to lick. Someone said those boys had dirty hands. And I suddenly felt sick.
I woke up.
Strange dream - with lots of scenery flashing past my memory that gets ingnored in my description.
So I am hurting I my heart and missing JH. I send him love and hope that for 2011 he has a very positive year and is able to move forward with everything he wishes for.
I hope that during this year I can gain strength and trust that the Universe has in store for me some wonderful things with happy positive emotions I can feel. Not all painful lessons.
I am very very grateful for the lovely meeting last night and reminders that all I have to do is the next right thing and painful feelngs do pass.
I want to be in a relationship. I wanted it to be with JH. I hope we can develop a great friendship and who knows what the future can hold. I just need to get neyond the pain I feel of not being with him.
My thinking keeps taking me back to asking him if maybe we could make it work. I re-read some of my older posts and the distrust I feel when he seems distant. And when he is truthful it has shown me that my instincts have been correct - He is such a lovely wonderful man in so many ways. All those things I cherish and want in my life.
I think it's very difficult that thre is so much distance physically between us.
Universe there are thigns that I would want - I need to talk to people and see what they think of my wants and needs. Thank goodness for recovery.
I know I am full of shortcomings. I am nothing but sorry that these shortcomings mean I am unable to be with JH uner the circumstances of how he is. To me there seems to be a wanting in him of women around him. And somehow it doesn't seem as if thats respectful for the woman he is with. I seem unable to deal with that part of him.
I saw a friend and really love the realtionship she has with her husband.
They are so very close, they laugh a lot, they deal withe verything together, she only has eyes for hima nd he for her. It's not a fairytale either - its real! They are in love and it shows. They have been together now 5 years and still in love. They are truly growing old together. It's fun. The trials in life they face absolutely together.
I know H divulged herself even more into CoDA when she met him. I need to do more CoDA again. It's where solutions can be found. I stopped attending regularly.
I am committing to more regular meeetings attendance - I am concerned about study time but to be honest my recovery is sacred - without it I stop learning and growing. It's more than recovery, it's actually unpicking dysfunction. Thats what CoDA helps with. Helps me to find me - more of the real me than I have before.
It's the journey we are all on I guess and this is just a way, another way of continuing along that journey with some good support and guidance. The thing I love about it most is that it's not a religion, there are no heroes or gurus, there's just a group of people sharing their own experiences. Some further along the jounrey that others. And I see hope amongst these people.
Have being feelign so low, and thinking suicidally I am pleased to be reminded that these are painful times. I am losing the man I love. I cannot stop loving him I just am unable to deal with the way thigns are. So these painful feelings mean that everythign seem ultr difficult.
Well I need to keep gently nruturing myself. Its not nice feeling how I do. Not nice at all.
I wanted to go to the US I wanted to be with JH I wanted for us to have a future. And now that is not possible. And it hurts. It's sad. It's loss and grief.
It may seem silly as we have known each other less than a year but actually I put my everything into him and I don';t think he would even have kniown that.
Well I need to go. Crying hurting
Confused Universe.
Bliss
XX
