What a wonderfully mind expanding day. Usually it's after the event that I can really assimilate what I've seen and what I've taken in. I think it was delightful that G and I went up regardless that A bailed out. In the past we have said we'll go anyway and she has ended up coming but this time - no! She is in a real withdrawn state. And when she asked about her size on Friday that was further alarm bells. I can relate to it. It's probably very different thinking but the outcome is the same but A denies it all vehemently blaming money or something else. She will never own that there is a problem with her mental state. I know that too. I fought and fought against it and still can do that. Gradually I've come to deeper understanding and acceptance that I have a mental illness. To be honest I think everyone has mental issues of some variation and to differing degrees. I think my own has escalated over the years. When feeling overweight ad over-sized that has really compounded the necessity to stay out of the general day to day of adventure and socialising. I just have felt so exposed and dreadful about myself. And my hatred for myself is what I project onto others. It's so refreshing and freeing to feel right-sized. I get a natural confidence, not something I need to think about, but I can just go about my business and follow my desires without being hampered by the way I think about my size or about wanting food all the time too.
So yesterday off we trundled to London. I had checked the buses and we exited from Waterloo straight to the bust stop and a bus came long almost immediately. The bus was empty and we sat straight down. I wanted to make the day as easy and smooth as I could for G. I think it all happened seamlessly. Good.
We got off and walked through to Lincoln's Inn Fields. It was interesting being there again but the novelty or need to exorcise the area has since gone having walked by there several times. I pointed out where I used to work. There has always for me been a memory of gloominess about that part of Holborn. It seems grey and crowded in to me. I recalled how in the first days of joining Hogg Robinson Craven House, Kingsway, I used to take my lunch and eat in Lincoln's Inn Fields. I felt quite lonely there to begin with. But I soon started making friends with the lot that went to the pub. I think it was probably Derek that first invited me to go along. There were so few women there. and the drinking eased the situation, there was a common theme. I don't think I was really into the drinking heavily until I went there. When I was in Farnham I had started going to the wine bar with Jane every lunch time when we were allowed. In fact Margaret used to actually encourage us to meet in there. However I think she developed something she regretted. Jane definitely used to drink too much. I could see then she had a problem but her friend Angela was worse or so Jane pointed out. They were always drinking together ironically. So perhaps the drinking had started to take off. It was appealing to drink every lunchtime and it was more about the atmosphere and socialising then but of course really I was shy. The food was definitely already an issue. I was fat/thin/fat/thin and that had been going on since I was 17 years old. The lunchtime drinking started when I was about 23 years old when I left BA and joined Hogg Robinson, Farnham.
So anyway, crossing over Kingsway and winding down the narrow street of Gate Street, where some homeless people are often hanging out waiting for their bed for the night or their food I suppose. There were none along there this day but I think there were a few in the square sunbathing when we stopped for lunch. It was just all so familiar. What amazes me is how closed to knowledge I was. All that time I was around the corner from Sir John Soanes Museum and I was never interested enough for it to have been brought to my attention.
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These two are not homeless I don't think, I just liked the blue and orange.
Not sure if this guy is homeless but amused me his hat pulled down over his face, sleeping in the hot sun at lunchtime.
Winding through Gate Street is how I imagine London of old. The narrow streets and darkness, a little of Dickens London is conjured. And then breaking free into the lovely Lincoln's Inn Fields. We walked along and there we were at No. 12. What an amazing house. What a collector Lord Soanes was. I will post here the pages of the little booklet.
What I have learnt so far is that John Soanes wasn't a wealthy man but managed to get to the RA and studied architecture. He was the architect of the Bank of England although apparently a lot has been changed since originally built to his design. And many of his designs were never built and some have since been destroyed. How tragic. He designed a palace that was to be built on Constitution Hill. Where is Constitution Hill? Oh it's by Green Park on the way to Buckingham Palace. Why on earth would they want another palace by THE palace? Well clearly they didn't. It looked gorgeous though.
He won a scholarship to RA - a travelling scholarship apparently. His talent was spotted and he was mixing in the right circles. He married an heiress but surely an architect in those days would have been a high earner anyway no? Aha, apparently he could earn 5% of the buildings value. A considerable amount I would imagine for say the Bank of England but no doubt income was sporadic to begin with. His wife though inherited and it is with her money that he could set up his home.
I must go food shopping darn it as I'm enjoying this learning - then it'll be AWOL time. Oh well. I'll do as much as I can and for as long as I'm interested. It just makes the history hang together to encounter these people from the past and link the with buildings. I truly do find this all so fascinating and alive despite them being so long gone. Their legacy lives on.
OK Back from shopping and bloody hell I stopped at the little market and spent a further £15 on a little silver bracelet. I like it. But I really can't afford these little treats. After all I spent over £40 yesterday on being out and about and a wonderful book on Hogarth's paintings.
A Rakes Progress - this was the real draw for me after learning that Grayson Perry was inspired by this series by William Hogarth ... I appreciate his satirical look at life.
The Heir
The Levee
The Orgy
The Arrest
The Marriage
The Gaming House
The Prison
The Mad house (Bedlum)
All 8 paintings and these were actually acquired by Eliza for approximately £600.
I loved them and could have spent a lot longer examining them.
Anyway Sir John (not Lord) Soanes born in 1753 and died in 1837 (the year of Queen Victoria's accession to the throne) making him 83/4 when he died. A long old life. His was an unhappy life though. He and his wife had four sons, two of whom died in early childhood. I guess that was fairly usual in the 18th century. Then one of them died when he was in his thirties. The other was a gambler and Sir John accused him of contributing towards Eliza's death.
So I've just read that Parliament had made King George king of England. They were intent on keeping a protestant line when Queen Anne had not borne any heirs. So the House of Hanoverian took over. King George was apparently a pretty absent King spending most time in his home of Hanover. He didn't speak much English. This really was a sign of the inefficacy of the monarch really. Parliament ran the show absolutely and truly since the civil war. That was when? 1653 to 1659.
A Canaletto - what an incredible painter ....
AWOL time and then lunch and then straight out for a meet up with A. This will all have to wait especially as I've realised the number of Kings and Queens that I've really not paid any attention to. Fascinating.
The AWOL was just brilliant. Step Two. Reading about the insanity. The sharing as always so helpful on the subject of insanity. I recognise that without the food I am still completely insane. This insanity spreads further than the addiction itself and of course the insanity will lead back to using. I can see the insanity manifesting as negativity towards myself or towards others. And also in honesty versus dishonesty. There are things I don't want to give up, such as downloading. And it's easier to pick up a lie rather than be honest and take responsibility for myself. For example when missing the call to my sponsor on Tuesday morning. I was so afraid of being disapproved of and the internal shame that would bring not to mention the fear of being rejected that I said I'd called and it was engaged and so got distracted. Wow! All too easy to lie than take responsibility. I was glad to take responsibility after that. And then the dishonesty through omission. I have not said that I've chosen to go out for a meal. And I am and I will if the invite is still there. I have no intention of not going. And yet I haven't aid this to my sponsor. This is the insanity. The insanity also involves the food of course. You know what I mean? Eating too much food and expecting to remain slim. Then using laxatives to overcome the over eating despite creating stomach problems and living in fear of causing serious problems. And the consequences of using laxatives have been so embarrassing. And yet still taking them despite the risk of the same happening. But now the eating of food is the very last part of any relapse. The slip starts long before with the negativity, the resentments, the comparison, the judgements, the mania, the expectation, the self hatred, the dishonesty, the fear and so on. And it's at this point I need to start using the tools I've been shown. Quiet time, prayer on my knees, readings, calling out, speaking honestly with my sponsor, whatever it takes to ensure I stay away from the insanity of the various shapes of negativity.
So yes this first week of Step Two has been so enlightening already. And this past week I think I've been living it. I've been more acceptant of the situation just as it is with L and with my father. And so by being acceptant I haven't gone into being unmanageable. Well apart from Monday night Tuesday morning which was a degree of manic behaviour because I was so terrified. In fairness to little me I hadn't realised quite how terrified I was and this seemed to have nowhere else to go except in manic behaviour. And then of course the lie to my sponsor occurred which was actually a decision and insane. There was no rational reason or need for a lie but this then feeds the unmanageability because at some level I feel guilty and ashamed and uncomfortable so my self-esteem is affected too. It's the vicious cycle.
So having accepted that's what I did I can take responsibility for that and pray to God to help me to move away from such behaviours as well as ask God for help in identifying my responses and reactions. And I am thankful to God for the awareness even so. It was with awareness that I did make phone calls and speak about the escalating mania. I got some suggestions, followed them and the mania dwindled and I could function even though on high energy, the silliness didn't ensue. My goodness, thank you God.
Get it? It's so flipping simple and yet all these years I've been intellectualising something I wasn't really getting at a deep heart-felt and soul level. This week I actually experienced it and have felt the shift and moments of serenity and feeling OK about myself and OK towards L. She is an oddball that's for sure however I can get along with her and let her be. If I can do that then maybe something will shift in her. In the meantime I will keep asking for God to help me to be how He would ant me to be. Those people thinking I'm suddenly religious couldn't be further from the truth. And those who say they are atheist - well I'm right there with you. How do I explain this coming to sanity through a Higher Power? I am a part of the Higher Power, as is everyone else exactly as they are, as is everything exactly as it is. I can't explain it other than that. It's not religious doctrine that I speak of but something way beyond that. It's not afterlife or making a way back to the creator. And yet it's all about creativity and love and legacy etc. That's all little parts that make up the whole.
I have belief in this even though I cannot put it into words. And blimey there are far more educated people that I who have tried to put it into words and then blow me over it becomes a religion. No, no, no. This is private and personal, I would lend it to anyone who needs it. But I cannot explain it and actually I don't want to. It is what it is, there are no rules to it, there are no expectations, there are no conditions. It is just there for the taking.
Well that's way of course from earlier this morning. I have had such a full weekend you see.
I went to Hinton Ampner House, Hinton Ampner. It's about 15 minutes drive from me. I met with A and we went off for a visit around the stately home first of all. A real bonus that for today if I gave some details I could enter free on A's membership. Fantastic. A saving of £8.50 when I've spent such a lot on myself this weekend. I bought a water and made a 50p donation to the little church for the candle I lit with my mum in mind. That's not so bad.
Lord Ralph Dutton, I like the name Ralph actually, was the 8th and last Baron of Shelborne. He died with no heirs. I suspect he was gay but gosh do I jump to assumptions. His hone was beautiful though. He was a great collector of stone tables, Lapis Lazuli, blue john and Egyptian porphyry amongst very plain marbles. An amazing amassment of glorious stones. And wooden tables as well as desks, incredible vases, busts, paintings. A real treasure trove all donated to the National Trust on his death because none of his distance relatives would probably have loved and nurtured it as he did. So to preserve it he donated it.
The home was very homely in its grandeur and I could clearly imagine the weekend guests there. A and I were choosing our room and enjoying settling in to the weekend stay. In the dining room we chatted amongst the other guests over breakfast overlooking the wonderful gardens to the rear and enjoying the early morning mists rising over the fields, not another human in sight. The chatter was all about the plans for the day. Ralph had laid on some riding and a party in the evening. I was suspicious of Georgina having an affair with Lord Scott. They exchanged glances all last evening and continued to do so this morning. I think they have plans. A said she would follow them secretly when they go off for their next stroll in the gardens. So many places to secrete and affair without being spotted from the house at all. Typical me, I was looking forward to my romp with the extraordinarily good looking gardener. Lady Chatterley without the lady bit. Why couldn't I be interested in the rather dashing looking but extremely boring Lieutenant Rogers. He was a socialite with money. He wouldn't stay interested for long but dinner had been so tedious. At least Ralph, gay or not, knew how to not only look dashing but act dashing. Rogers was, well dull of conversation. I want lively. Cecilia was tiresome too. Poor A got really caught up in discussion with her. As always I got engrossed in conversation after dinner with the famous psychiatrist, discussing passionately our theories on healing. I am sure Rogers found that tiresome being of military background and no truck with matters of the mind other than strategy, the rest was emotionless and brawn. I adored the fay Emilia. I noticed Ralph rather entertained by her. The epitome of the creative, ooooohing and aaaaahing at all the treasures and quite unrefined about it. Gushing with ideas for her next works inspired by Ralph's collections. of course he loved this. And I think secretly pleased when I commented on the dreadful clock. I didn't mean to offend but when I said it was like something you won at the fun fair for shooting the birdie, he squirmed slightly.
Bouncing on my bed I was excited about the party. Would he be inviting more guests. I watched and watched Ralph to see if he was attracted to any particular women or one or two of the young whipper snapper men he always seemed to have invited. Who they were always seemed a mystery to me.
The staff seemed so loyal to Ralph too. Well who wouldn't be, he was so gentle.
How exactly did they keep their fortunes going, this family? Obviously being a baron brought it's dues I imagine. His title of Baron entitled him automatically to be involved with Parliament so I guess people would always want him about and I would imagine companies paid dues in some way for his name to be involved in their business. He wrote books but I doubt they would fetch the kind of money it would take to run his estate. Staff didn't live in other than his butler. Now of course they were incredibly close. All his friends are high business men and titled. He is not so involved with the creatives other than the odd one or two like Emilia. He certainly has adventurers, pioneers around him though. I wonder if they are always pestering him for money?
Born in 1898 and died in 1985, his father seems to be an active politician, holding a seat for his area of Hampshire in Parliament. That of course brings wealth. I think there were earlier fortunes made from the wool industry. Of course money makes money. But often we learn of these titled families with assets such as properties etc but without the cash flow to be able to really live according to their title and supposed status. I am not a supporter of the aristocracy being more of a socialist to some degree but not the whole way. However, it is interesting learning about them and how they pillage their fortunes. OK, OK, aristocracy I'm only joking - sort of.
So Ralph was around when Queen Victoria was still reigning, but of course he lived into Kings Edward VII George V, Edward VIII, George VI and Queen Elizabeth. My goodness he would have seem some changes in everything, socially, culturally, scientifically, politically, economically, fashions. He also lived through two world wars. Crikey! What a life he experienced.
In the chapel there appeared to be a sister mentioned.
Anyway it was lovely afternoon out. I noticed how A analyses and talks about recovery all these years on and blames, no not blames, but the focus in mainly on I. She is somehow keeping the focus just about on herself and has years of experience in recovery to be able to do this. However she is new into this committed relationship. She quickly adds that they have some really lovely times but all she ever talks about are the difficulties. And the healing of the inner child and the process etc. Thank goodness I can sit and listen to that with some interest but I also hear an analysis and not how she is living through it. I probably do but I am not listening to that bit because it doesn't seem to be the loudest bit.
She showed me their 20 week scan pictures. And there is a 90 per cent chance it's a little girl. Inevitably we talked about names. A asked about me, I summed up quickly. I don't know why. I didn't need to go into analysis this time just that this has how it's been and this is how I've been dealing with it. I think I was all positive actually. I feel all positive.
I left it with A to contact M to see if there's a date we can all meet together for a walk. I will wait to hear. A and I didn't arrange another meet at this time. She didn't offer and neither did I. I do feel that she is all wrapped up in her relationship and the baby and so on. She has a very regular connection with her family of origin let alone with I. I suggested we meet up one time for a meal out to get to know hm better. She suggested a lunch - I'll send her a list of Sundays I could make it bearing in mind I have my AWOL. It would have to therefore be local and a late lunch place. I wonder if the Lord Thomas serves late on Sundays. There may be places that do all day servings. I'll ask her, she might have more time to research it.
I offered a very good plumber - D. If she doesn't hear from hers that could be some business for him and a good worker for them.
Finally I have emailed to suggest the lunch with I. Let's see what happens.
So meanwhile back to yesterday. I'm a little tired as things have moved on already.
After the Soanes G and walked up to the British Museum. We both went and looked at the Rosetta Stone. Again for both of us. Amazing really that they deciphered so much from it.
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I know they're not clear. I'm sorry.
I then scooted off to The Horse: from Arabia to Royal Ascot. An exhibition that was really quite interesting, bringing artefact's together in the name of the horse.
I really was taken by Ahmed Moustafa's Horse and Horseman.
Painted using Islamic calligraphy. In real life it was stunning. The blues and gold really captivating. Somehow the horseman lets it down for me. He doesn't do the horse justice nor the splendour of the colours. But I love the capture of the Arabian horse truly I do.
The Arabian horse can be traced genetically through most race horse. This doesn't surprise me I suppose.
There was an exquisite shadow puppet. And this raised an interest in these puppets.
There were some absolutely beautiful Qurans on display. The association is that the horse is mentioned throughout the Quran apparently. But these were truly like jewels.
And of amazing draw was a Rembrandt sketch. Apparently he did 21 drawings inspired by the Moghul miniatures -
I truly loved this. Yep this is the one I wanted the most.
It was an interesting exhibition. I liked the idea of a theme that brought many things together. Including the Queen's colours. And photos of her receiving the winners cup in some race or other. HM was receiving it from her hubby Prince Philip. That must be funny for them really.
There was a Persian saying - say flower hear flower.
I noted it without really absorbing the relevance and now can't find anything about it.
I want sketches by Rembrandt ...
This is another photo I took of one of Picasso's sketches of Vollard. Vollard was a renowned art dealer. Now this is an area that so far I am unaware. A little like curating. All the layers are peeling back. It's interesting to learn about other angles of the worlds into which I dip. It's not just about the gallery and the contents or a play and the actors. There are themes and links and interconnections that I can overlook and am enjoying learning more about.
British Museum information about Picasso
"This exhibition of Pablo Picasso’s most celebrated series of etchings, The Vollard Suite, will be the first time a complete set has been shown in a British public institution. The Vollard Suite comprises 100 etchings produced by Picasso between 1930 and 1937, at a critical juncture in Picasso’s career. This exhibition celebrates the recent acquisition of these etchings, thanks to the extraordinary generosity of Hamish Parker. It is the only complete Vollard Suite held by a public museum in the UK.
The prints were made when Picasso was involved in a passionate affair with his muse and model, Marie-Thérèse Walter, whose classical features are a recurrent presence in the series. They offer an ongoing process of change and metamorphosis that eludes any final resolution. Picasso gave no order to the plates nor did he assign any titles to them. Picasso kept the plates open-ended to allow connections to be freely made among them, yet certain thematic groupings can also be identified.
The predominant theme of the Vollard Suite is the Sculptor’s Studio (46 etchings), which deals with Picasso’s engagement with classical sculpture. At this point he was making sculpture at his new home and studio, the Château de Boisgeloup outside Paris. The etchings of his young model, Marie-Thérèse, represent a dialogue alternating between the artist and his creation and between the artist and his model. Various scenarios are played out between the sculptor, the model and the created work. Among them is the classical myth of Pygmalion in which the sculptor becomes so enamoured of his creation that it comes to life at the artist’s touch. Classical linearity and repose within the studio also alternate with darker, violent forces. The latter are represented by scenes of brutal passion and by the Minotaur (15 etchings), the half-man, half-animal of classical myth, which became central to Picasso’s personal mythology. Picasso in a spirit of competitiveness tips his cap to his great predecessors, Rembrandt and Goya. The series concludes with three portraits of Vollard himself, made in 1937.
For the first time the etchings will be displayed alongside examples of the type of classical sculpture and objects that Picasso was inspired by, something which the British Museum is in a unique position to do. As well as this, Rembrandt etchings, Goya prints and Ingres drawings from the Prints and Drawings collection will also be displayed as their influence can be seen in some of Picasso’s works.
The Vollard Suite takes its name from Ambroise Vollard (1866-1939), the greatest avant-garde Paris art dealer and print publisher of his day, who gave Picasso his first Paris exhibition in 1901. In exchange for some pictures, Picasso produced for Vollard a group of 100 etchings between 1930 and 1937. The mammoth task of printing some 310 sets, plus three further sets on vellum, was completed by the Paris printer Roger Lacourière in 1939. Vollard’s unexpected death in a car accident that year, followed by the outbreak of the Second World War, delayed the distribution of the Vollard Suite until the 1950s by the dealer Henri Petiet who had purchased most of the prints from the Vollard estate. The set acquired by the British Museum comes directly from the heirs of Henri Petiet and so has an impeccable provenance, having never been shown in public before, and is in pristine condition."
The British Museum - information about The Horse.
A mould that dates between 2000 to 1800BC is one of the first known representations of the horse and is a mould from Babylonia.
Apparently the horse was domesticated about 3500BC.
The horse replaced the donkey. It was faster, had more stamina and had a better temperament.
George Stubbs of course featured heavily. His anatomy of a horse was there.
Stubbs in singled out as a portrait artist of horses because of his understanding of what was going on under the skin. He spent 18 months dissecting horses and in his etchings shows the workings of the horse, "this wonderful animal" states the British Museum curator Nigel Tallis. I would like to know how to be a curator. Apparently tubbs' fame was achieved on the basis of his understanding
So yesterday off we trundled to London. I had checked the buses and we exited from Waterloo straight to the bust stop and a bus came long almost immediately. The bus was empty and we sat straight down. I wanted to make the day as easy and smooth as I could for G. I think it all happened seamlessly. Good.
We got off and walked through to Lincoln's Inn Fields. It was interesting being there again but the novelty or need to exorcise the area has since gone having walked by there several times. I pointed out where I used to work. There has always for me been a memory of gloominess about that part of Holborn. It seems grey and crowded in to me. I recalled how in the first days of joining Hogg Robinson Craven House, Kingsway, I used to take my lunch and eat in Lincoln's Inn Fields. I felt quite lonely there to begin with. But I soon started making friends with the lot that went to the pub. I think it was probably Derek that first invited me to go along. There were so few women there. and the drinking eased the situation, there was a common theme. I don't think I was really into the drinking heavily until I went there. When I was in Farnham I had started going to the wine bar with Jane every lunch time when we were allowed. In fact Margaret used to actually encourage us to meet in there. However I think she developed something she regretted. Jane definitely used to drink too much. I could see then she had a problem but her friend Angela was worse or so Jane pointed out. They were always drinking together ironically. So perhaps the drinking had started to take off. It was appealing to drink every lunchtime and it was more about the atmosphere and socialising then but of course really I was shy. The food was definitely already an issue. I was fat/thin/fat/thin and that had been going on since I was 17 years old. The lunchtime drinking started when I was about 23 years old when I left BA and joined Hogg Robinson, Farnham.
So anyway, crossing over Kingsway and winding down the narrow street of Gate Street, where some homeless people are often hanging out waiting for their bed for the night or their food I suppose. There were none along there this day but I think there were a few in the square sunbathing when we stopped for lunch. It was just all so familiar. What amazes me is how closed to knowledge I was. All that time I was around the corner from Sir John Soanes Museum and I was never interested enough for it to have been brought to my attention.
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Not sure if this guy is homeless but amused me his hat pulled down over his face, sleeping in the hot sun at lunchtime.
Winding through Gate Street is how I imagine London of old. The narrow streets and darkness, a little of Dickens London is conjured. And then breaking free into the lovely Lincoln's Inn Fields. We walked along and there we were at No. 12. What an amazing house. What a collector Lord Soanes was. I will post here the pages of the little booklet.
What I have learnt so far is that John Soanes wasn't a wealthy man but managed to get to the RA and studied architecture. He was the architect of the Bank of England although apparently a lot has been changed since originally built to his design. And many of his designs were never built and some have since been destroyed. How tragic. He designed a palace that was to be built on Constitution Hill. Where is Constitution Hill? Oh it's by Green Park on the way to Buckingham Palace. Why on earth would they want another palace by THE palace? Well clearly they didn't. It looked gorgeous though.
He won a scholarship to RA - a travelling scholarship apparently. His talent was spotted and he was mixing in the right circles. He married an heiress but surely an architect in those days would have been a high earner anyway no? Aha, apparently he could earn 5% of the buildings value. A considerable amount I would imagine for say the Bank of England but no doubt income was sporadic to begin with. His wife though inherited and it is with her money that he could set up his home.
I must go food shopping darn it as I'm enjoying this learning - then it'll be AWOL time. Oh well. I'll do as much as I can and for as long as I'm interested. It just makes the history hang together to encounter these people from the past and link the with buildings. I truly do find this all so fascinating and alive despite them being so long gone. Their legacy lives on.
OK Back from shopping and bloody hell I stopped at the little market and spent a further £15 on a little silver bracelet. I like it. But I really can't afford these little treats. After all I spent over £40 yesterday on being out and about and a wonderful book on Hogarth's paintings.
A Rakes Progress - this was the real draw for me after learning that Grayson Perry was inspired by this series by William Hogarth ... I appreciate his satirical look at life.
The Heir The LeveeThe Orgy The Arrest The Marriage The Gaming House The Prison The Mad house (Bedlum)All 8 paintings and these were actually acquired by Eliza for approximately £600.
I loved them and could have spent a lot longer examining them.
Anyway Sir John (not Lord) Soanes born in 1753 and died in 1837 (the year of Queen Victoria's accession to the throne) making him 83/4 when he died. A long old life. His was an unhappy life though. He and his wife had four sons, two of whom died in early childhood. I guess that was fairly usual in the 18th century. Then one of them died when he was in his thirties. The other was a gambler and Sir John accused him of contributing towards Eliza's death.
So I've just read that Parliament had made King George king of England. They were intent on keeping a protestant line when Queen Anne had not borne any heirs. So the House of Hanoverian took over. King George was apparently a pretty absent King spending most time in his home of Hanover. He didn't speak much English. This really was a sign of the inefficacy of the monarch really. Parliament ran the show absolutely and truly since the civil war. That was when? 1653 to 1659.
A Canaletto - what an incredible painter ....
AWOL time and then lunch and then straight out for a meet up with A. This will all have to wait especially as I've realised the number of Kings and Queens that I've really not paid any attention to. Fascinating.
The AWOL was just brilliant. Step Two. Reading about the insanity. The sharing as always so helpful on the subject of insanity. I recognise that without the food I am still completely insane. This insanity spreads further than the addiction itself and of course the insanity will lead back to using. I can see the insanity manifesting as negativity towards myself or towards others. And also in honesty versus dishonesty. There are things I don't want to give up, such as downloading. And it's easier to pick up a lie rather than be honest and take responsibility for myself. For example when missing the call to my sponsor on Tuesday morning. I was so afraid of being disapproved of and the internal shame that would bring not to mention the fear of being rejected that I said I'd called and it was engaged and so got distracted. Wow! All too easy to lie than take responsibility. I was glad to take responsibility after that. And then the dishonesty through omission. I have not said that I've chosen to go out for a meal. And I am and I will if the invite is still there. I have no intention of not going. And yet I haven't aid this to my sponsor. This is the insanity. The insanity also involves the food of course. You know what I mean? Eating too much food and expecting to remain slim. Then using laxatives to overcome the over eating despite creating stomach problems and living in fear of causing serious problems. And the consequences of using laxatives have been so embarrassing. And yet still taking them despite the risk of the same happening. But now the eating of food is the very last part of any relapse. The slip starts long before with the negativity, the resentments, the comparison, the judgements, the mania, the expectation, the self hatred, the dishonesty, the fear and so on. And it's at this point I need to start using the tools I've been shown. Quiet time, prayer on my knees, readings, calling out, speaking honestly with my sponsor, whatever it takes to ensure I stay away from the insanity of the various shapes of negativity.
So yes this first week of Step Two has been so enlightening already. And this past week I think I've been living it. I've been more acceptant of the situation just as it is with L and with my father. And so by being acceptant I haven't gone into being unmanageable. Well apart from Monday night Tuesday morning which was a degree of manic behaviour because I was so terrified. In fairness to little me I hadn't realised quite how terrified I was and this seemed to have nowhere else to go except in manic behaviour. And then of course the lie to my sponsor occurred which was actually a decision and insane. There was no rational reason or need for a lie but this then feeds the unmanageability because at some level I feel guilty and ashamed and uncomfortable so my self-esteem is affected too. It's the vicious cycle.
So having accepted that's what I did I can take responsibility for that and pray to God to help me to move away from such behaviours as well as ask God for help in identifying my responses and reactions. And I am thankful to God for the awareness even so. It was with awareness that I did make phone calls and speak about the escalating mania. I got some suggestions, followed them and the mania dwindled and I could function even though on high energy, the silliness didn't ensue. My goodness, thank you God.
Get it? It's so flipping simple and yet all these years I've been intellectualising something I wasn't really getting at a deep heart-felt and soul level. This week I actually experienced it and have felt the shift and moments of serenity and feeling OK about myself and OK towards L. She is an oddball that's for sure however I can get along with her and let her be. If I can do that then maybe something will shift in her. In the meantime I will keep asking for God to help me to be how He would ant me to be. Those people thinking I'm suddenly religious couldn't be further from the truth. And those who say they are atheist - well I'm right there with you. How do I explain this coming to sanity through a Higher Power? I am a part of the Higher Power, as is everyone else exactly as they are, as is everything exactly as it is. I can't explain it other than that. It's not religious doctrine that I speak of but something way beyond that. It's not afterlife or making a way back to the creator. And yet it's all about creativity and love and legacy etc. That's all little parts that make up the whole.
I have belief in this even though I cannot put it into words. And blimey there are far more educated people that I who have tried to put it into words and then blow me over it becomes a religion. No, no, no. This is private and personal, I would lend it to anyone who needs it. But I cannot explain it and actually I don't want to. It is what it is, there are no rules to it, there are no expectations, there are no conditions. It is just there for the taking.
Well that's way of course from earlier this morning. I have had such a full weekend you see.
I went to Hinton Ampner House, Hinton Ampner. It's about 15 minutes drive from me. I met with A and we went off for a visit around the stately home first of all. A real bonus that for today if I gave some details I could enter free on A's membership. Fantastic. A saving of £8.50 when I've spent such a lot on myself this weekend. I bought a water and made a 50p donation to the little church for the candle I lit with my mum in mind. That's not so bad.
Lord Ralph Dutton, I like the name Ralph actually, was the 8th and last Baron of Shelborne. He died with no heirs. I suspect he was gay but gosh do I jump to assumptions. His hone was beautiful though. He was a great collector of stone tables, Lapis Lazuli, blue john and Egyptian porphyry amongst very plain marbles. An amazing amassment of glorious stones. And wooden tables as well as desks, incredible vases, busts, paintings. A real treasure trove all donated to the National Trust on his death because none of his distance relatives would probably have loved and nurtured it as he did. So to preserve it he donated it.
The home was very homely in its grandeur and I could clearly imagine the weekend guests there. A and I were choosing our room and enjoying settling in to the weekend stay. In the dining room we chatted amongst the other guests over breakfast overlooking the wonderful gardens to the rear and enjoying the early morning mists rising over the fields, not another human in sight. The chatter was all about the plans for the day. Ralph had laid on some riding and a party in the evening. I was suspicious of Georgina having an affair with Lord Scott. They exchanged glances all last evening and continued to do so this morning. I think they have plans. A said she would follow them secretly when they go off for their next stroll in the gardens. So many places to secrete and affair without being spotted from the house at all. Typical me, I was looking forward to my romp with the extraordinarily good looking gardener. Lady Chatterley without the lady bit. Why couldn't I be interested in the rather dashing looking but extremely boring Lieutenant Rogers. He was a socialite with money. He wouldn't stay interested for long but dinner had been so tedious. At least Ralph, gay or not, knew how to not only look dashing but act dashing. Rogers was, well dull of conversation. I want lively. Cecilia was tiresome too. Poor A got really caught up in discussion with her. As always I got engrossed in conversation after dinner with the famous psychiatrist, discussing passionately our theories on healing. I am sure Rogers found that tiresome being of military background and no truck with matters of the mind other than strategy, the rest was emotionless and brawn. I adored the fay Emilia. I noticed Ralph rather entertained by her. The epitome of the creative, ooooohing and aaaaahing at all the treasures and quite unrefined about it. Gushing with ideas for her next works inspired by Ralph's collections. of course he loved this. And I think secretly pleased when I commented on the dreadful clock. I didn't mean to offend but when I said it was like something you won at the fun fair for shooting the birdie, he squirmed slightly.
Bouncing on my bed I was excited about the party. Would he be inviting more guests. I watched and watched Ralph to see if he was attracted to any particular women or one or two of the young whipper snapper men he always seemed to have invited. Who they were always seemed a mystery to me.
The staff seemed so loyal to Ralph too. Well who wouldn't be, he was so gentle.
How exactly did they keep their fortunes going, this family? Obviously being a baron brought it's dues I imagine. His title of Baron entitled him automatically to be involved with Parliament so I guess people would always want him about and I would imagine companies paid dues in some way for his name to be involved in their business. He wrote books but I doubt they would fetch the kind of money it would take to run his estate. Staff didn't live in other than his butler. Now of course they were incredibly close. All his friends are high business men and titled. He is not so involved with the creatives other than the odd one or two like Emilia. He certainly has adventurers, pioneers around him though. I wonder if they are always pestering him for money?
Born in 1898 and died in 1985, his father seems to be an active politician, holding a seat for his area of Hampshire in Parliament. That of course brings wealth. I think there were earlier fortunes made from the wool industry. Of course money makes money. But often we learn of these titled families with assets such as properties etc but without the cash flow to be able to really live according to their title and supposed status. I am not a supporter of the aristocracy being more of a socialist to some degree but not the whole way. However, it is interesting learning about them and how they pillage their fortunes. OK, OK, aristocracy I'm only joking - sort of.
So Ralph was around when Queen Victoria was still reigning, but of course he lived into Kings Edward VII George V, Edward VIII, George VI and Queen Elizabeth. My goodness he would have seem some changes in everything, socially, culturally, scientifically, politically, economically, fashions. He also lived through two world wars. Crikey! What a life he experienced.
In the chapel there appeared to be a sister mentioned.
Anyway it was lovely afternoon out. I noticed how A analyses and talks about recovery all these years on and blames, no not blames, but the focus in mainly on I. She is somehow keeping the focus just about on herself and has years of experience in recovery to be able to do this. However she is new into this committed relationship. She quickly adds that they have some really lovely times but all she ever talks about are the difficulties. And the healing of the inner child and the process etc. Thank goodness I can sit and listen to that with some interest but I also hear an analysis and not how she is living through it. I probably do but I am not listening to that bit because it doesn't seem to be the loudest bit.
She showed me their 20 week scan pictures. And there is a 90 per cent chance it's a little girl. Inevitably we talked about names. A asked about me, I summed up quickly. I don't know why. I didn't need to go into analysis this time just that this has how it's been and this is how I've been dealing with it. I think I was all positive actually. I feel all positive.
I left it with A to contact M to see if there's a date we can all meet together for a walk. I will wait to hear. A and I didn't arrange another meet at this time. She didn't offer and neither did I. I do feel that she is all wrapped up in her relationship and the baby and so on. She has a very regular connection with her family of origin let alone with I. I suggested we meet up one time for a meal out to get to know hm better. She suggested a lunch - I'll send her a list of Sundays I could make it bearing in mind I have my AWOL. It would have to therefore be local and a late lunch place. I wonder if the Lord Thomas serves late on Sundays. There may be places that do all day servings. I'll ask her, she might have more time to research it.
I offered a very good plumber - D. If she doesn't hear from hers that could be some business for him and a good worker for them.
Finally I have emailed to suggest the lunch with I. Let's see what happens.
So meanwhile back to yesterday. I'm a little tired as things have moved on already.
After the Soanes G and walked up to the British Museum. We both went and looked at the Rosetta Stone. Again for both of us. Amazing really that they deciphered so much from it.
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I then scooted off to The Horse: from Arabia to Royal Ascot. An exhibition that was really quite interesting, bringing artefact's together in the name of the horse.
I really was taken by Ahmed Moustafa's Horse and Horseman.
Painted using Islamic calligraphy. In real life it was stunning. The blues and gold really captivating. Somehow the horseman lets it down for me. He doesn't do the horse justice nor the splendour of the colours. But I love the capture of the Arabian horse truly I do.The Arabian horse can be traced genetically through most race horse. This doesn't surprise me I suppose.
There was an exquisite shadow puppet. And this raised an interest in these puppets.
There were some absolutely beautiful Qurans on display. The association is that the horse is mentioned throughout the Quran apparently. But these were truly like jewels.
And of amazing draw was a Rembrandt sketch. Apparently he did 21 drawings inspired by the Moghul miniatures -
I truly loved this. Yep this is the one I wanted the most.
It was an interesting exhibition. I liked the idea of a theme that brought many things together. Including the Queen's colours. And photos of her receiving the winners cup in some race or other. HM was receiving it from her hubby Prince Philip. That must be funny for them really.
There was a Persian saying - say flower hear flower.
I noted it without really absorbing the relevance and now can't find anything about it.
I want sketches by Rembrandt ...
This is a photo of one of the sketches. I loved it.
It was amongst the sketches by Picasso - it was a delight seeing these. He was a genius too.
British Museum information about Picasso
"This exhibition of Pablo Picasso’s most celebrated series of etchings, The Vollard Suite, will be the first time a complete set has been shown in a British public institution. The Vollard Suite comprises 100 etchings produced by Picasso between 1930 and 1937, at a critical juncture in Picasso’s career. This exhibition celebrates the recent acquisition of these etchings, thanks to the extraordinary generosity of Hamish Parker. It is the only complete Vollard Suite held by a public museum in the UK.
The prints were made when Picasso was involved in a passionate affair with his muse and model, Marie-Thérèse Walter, whose classical features are a recurrent presence in the series. They offer an ongoing process of change and metamorphosis that eludes any final resolution. Picasso gave no order to the plates nor did he assign any titles to them. Picasso kept the plates open-ended to allow connections to be freely made among them, yet certain thematic groupings can also be identified.
The predominant theme of the Vollard Suite is the Sculptor’s Studio (46 etchings), which deals with Picasso’s engagement with classical sculpture. At this point he was making sculpture at his new home and studio, the Château de Boisgeloup outside Paris. The etchings of his young model, Marie-Thérèse, represent a dialogue alternating between the artist and his creation and between the artist and his model. Various scenarios are played out between the sculptor, the model and the created work. Among them is the classical myth of Pygmalion in which the sculptor becomes so enamoured of his creation that it comes to life at the artist’s touch. Classical linearity and repose within the studio also alternate with darker, violent forces. The latter are represented by scenes of brutal passion and by the Minotaur (15 etchings), the half-man, half-animal of classical myth, which became central to Picasso’s personal mythology. Picasso in a spirit of competitiveness tips his cap to his great predecessors, Rembrandt and Goya. The series concludes with three portraits of Vollard himself, made in 1937.
For the first time the etchings will be displayed alongside examples of the type of classical sculpture and objects that Picasso was inspired by, something which the British Museum is in a unique position to do. As well as this, Rembrandt etchings, Goya prints and Ingres drawings from the Prints and Drawings collection will also be displayed as their influence can be seen in some of Picasso’s works.
The Vollard Suite takes its name from Ambroise Vollard (1866-1939), the greatest avant-garde Paris art dealer and print publisher of his day, who gave Picasso his first Paris exhibition in 1901. In exchange for some pictures, Picasso produced for Vollard a group of 100 etchings between 1930 and 1937. The mammoth task of printing some 310 sets, plus three further sets on vellum, was completed by the Paris printer Roger Lacourière in 1939. Vollard’s unexpected death in a car accident that year, followed by the outbreak of the Second World War, delayed the distribution of the Vollard Suite until the 1950s by the dealer Henri Petiet who had purchased most of the prints from the Vollard estate. The set acquired by the British Museum comes directly from the heirs of Henri Petiet and so has an impeccable provenance, having never been shown in public before, and is in pristine condition."
The British Museum - information about The Horse.
A mould that dates between 2000 to 1800BC is one of the first known representations of the horse and is a mould from Babylonia.
Apparently the horse was domesticated about 3500BC.
The horse replaced the donkey. It was faster, had more stamina and had a better temperament.
George Stubbs of course featured heavily. His anatomy of a horse was there.
Stubbs in singled out as a portrait artist of horses because of his understanding of what was going on under the skin. He spent 18 months dissecting horses and in his etchings shows the workings of the horse, "this wonderful animal" states the British Museum curator Nigel Tallis. I would like to know how to be a curator. Apparently tubbs' fame was achieved on the basis of his understanding
