It's been a while. So much has happened. A lot of self awareness, or should I say opportunities to observe myself and learn and grow.
I really would have been better off writing things as they have occurred. There are events that have been enlightening.
I will be writing as events come to mind so not chronologically really.
A funny event involved a horrible situation with G. He became upset by something I had said. After quite a lot of silences between a lot of words he decided he was leaving. He gathered his things gradually and loaded his car. On a couple of occasions I asked him to stay and suggested that we could do this a different way. I was not going to beg. Finally his car was loaded and I followed him downstairs to lock the door behind him. Oh and he had given me my key back. He stood on the doorstep and once again I suggested he stay and we sort this out. He said he couldn't because he was too full of pride and besides he had his spears ready. This was funny because he was standing there with two lengths of copper piping, which he had purchased to put in a shower unit for me. I was determined not to laugh. It was funny though. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the full humour of it. So he turned and got into his car. On returning to my room I noticed a number of things he hadn't taken with him. I quickly sent a text to say it was still here. Nothing. He drove off. That was that. I was both angry and sad. I settled to watch a film and eventually took myself to bed. I was reasoning with myself that if this was the way it was going to be then thank goodness I had learnt this now. And prepared myself to get over him. The next morning I received a text from him with an apology and asking if he could call. I was relieved and also frosty. I felt uncertain because to be honest I wasn't sure that I want to be in such a fragile relationship where I had to watch everything I said. At the same time I was thinking well this is the way the man is and I either learn to accept all parts of him if I ant to be with the man I seem to like or I just say no. Being such a romantic he suggested going for a walk and then an AA meeting at Littlehampton. How funny that was. G is very humorous and out of the box.
We went for a lovely walk. Apparently I gave him a bit of an earache about the situation, however I wanted to understand what had happened. I did say that if he walked out too often then I wasn't sure I'd be able to deal with it at all. We agreed to resume the relationship and see what happens.
Since that trial separation we have had a couple of other difficult moments. Both of which G did not leave for. The next one involved me being insensitive. I had earlier in the day met up with G and his friend Erst (N). I was nervous about meeting Erst. By the way he is so-called because he uses the word erstwhile when describing his estranged partner. Another funny G-ism. He has quirky little names for most people.
As a result of being so nervous I was ultra chatty. A lot of words again and no gaps for silences. It was probably babble but as it was endless I have no idea what I said. I was nervous to make an impression. I know Erst vaguely from the rooms but this is a friend of G's, although he'd say differently. I wanted to make an impression on Erst because for some reason I think it would be an influence on G's thoughts about me. Gosh I have convoluted ideas. I have always wanted to make an impression on boyfriends friends. Even wanting the friends to fancy me. What is this all about?
I do not want Erst to fancy me and never have wanted them to fancy me for any kind of affair but so that they would want someone like me and also think how lucky G, for example, is. It's all mental exhaustion. I recognised it though but just couldn't stop the babbling. Mongolian Mouth Mumble as M would say.
So all was well. Except I felt uncomfortable about my Mongolian Mouth Mumble. Also I think there was a bit of an atmosphere. I had been to FA in the morning and initially I was travelling back straight from the gallery to meet with G and go on to H's birthday event down in Godstone. I received a text to say it was cancelled and hence it came about to met with with G and Erst who were having cuppas at the Devils' Punchbowl.
I can't remember if G was a bit moody. His moods do seem to fluctuate more than mine I believe. Perhaps he'd already been pissed off with something. I sensed a something in his tone and lack of conversation this evening on the phone. It's not worth asking if he's okay because the answer is YES! Yet clearly not all is okay.
I'll go on to talk about where he is and the impact I think that is having on me and us.
Anyway this Saturday evening I'm referring to, G started talking about how people have a lot of words and are not really saying anything and what is it all about anyway. I am making this up really because before he could utter very much I was jumping into heated to discussion, talking about the value of communication etc etc etc. I was proving that words are perfectly necessary and relevant. I was defending my behaviour from earlier when he possibly was not referring to that and instead talking about something related to his Buddhist meditation practice. I still think there was some connection with earlier but he says not and I want to believe in him. He seems very open and honest. Although he does tell porky's to Mrs Elstead. He tells lies because he doesn't want to hurt her. It is so infuriating. But at least he has told her about me. I just realise that if he codependently lies to her he is more than capable of doing the same to me. However he tells me he would be truthful. When he is angry after being there I do often wonder if it's because something has happened that he can't be honest about for fear of hurting me.
It's either my intuition or I'm highly sensitive to the situation. You see he has been in a relationship with Mrs E. She is married so he is not adverse to the infidelity. I'm not judging for goodness sake as I have had a number of relationships that were unfaithful on one or both parts. And this was another argument when he felt judged and yes I was judging but because I wanted him to see that it was not okay to have a relationship with a married woman. This was so that he wouldn't get involved with Mrs E again. Very manipulative really and critical too without really seeing in advance what I was doing. Despite the difficulty of another argument I was glad to see my behaviour. I have done it again since. And of course I see the fear driving my attitude and behaviour. The attitude was to show him the error of his ways so as to control him. And my fear was that it would be over and worse still for another woman. I am so fragile with feeling okay about myself that whenever it has happened that a man has left for another woman I have more evidence to show that I am a horrid, ugly woman. Desire me otherwise I'm a lump of shit! An indication about just how far down my esteem actually is.
Going back to the first went, I don't actually think I had done anything wrong at all. And being early on in our relationship it was much easier then to lock the door and think move on than it is now. Time has passed and my feelings are developing into something stronger. Dar I say the word love. I have told G that I love the person he is. And I have said often I love you. Am I in love with him? I don't really know what this means. But there are times when I can't get close enough physically and I want to eat him. He has said similar things which is always nice to have things reciprocated.
Anyway back to the mouth mumble incident ... I can't remember precisely what happened. However I think this was the occasion when he stomped to the bedroom. We had been watching Immortal Beloved. Oh I enjoyed the film for the music and learning about Beethoven. Consider it worth a watch.
Directed by Bernard Rose and a cast of Gary Oldman, Isabella Rosellini and Johanna ter Steege.
G made a joke just recently that he didn't want to watch this film as it had caused an argument between us.
Anyway the Mongolian Mouth Mumble situation resulted in me eventually being able to apologise. Good for everyone really. And so what if a client is angry with me. We have panic buttons.
I'm too tired to write on. I think I need to go to bed.
Nighty Night
Bliss
XX
I really would have been better off writing things as they have occurred. There are events that have been enlightening.
I will be writing as events come to mind so not chronologically really.
A funny event involved a horrible situation with G. He became upset by something I had said. After quite a lot of silences between a lot of words he decided he was leaving. He gathered his things gradually and loaded his car. On a couple of occasions I asked him to stay and suggested that we could do this a different way. I was not going to beg. Finally his car was loaded and I followed him downstairs to lock the door behind him. Oh and he had given me my key back. He stood on the doorstep and once again I suggested he stay and we sort this out. He said he couldn't because he was too full of pride and besides he had his spears ready. This was funny because he was standing there with two lengths of copper piping, which he had purchased to put in a shower unit for me. I was determined not to laugh. It was funny though. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the full humour of it. So he turned and got into his car. On returning to my room I noticed a number of things he hadn't taken with him. I quickly sent a text to say it was still here. Nothing. He drove off. That was that. I was both angry and sad. I settled to watch a film and eventually took myself to bed. I was reasoning with myself that if this was the way it was going to be then thank goodness I had learnt this now. And prepared myself to get over him. The next morning I received a text from him with an apology and asking if he could call. I was relieved and also frosty. I felt uncertain because to be honest I wasn't sure that I want to be in such a fragile relationship where I had to watch everything I said. At the same time I was thinking well this is the way the man is and I either learn to accept all parts of him if I ant to be with the man I seem to like or I just say no. Being such a romantic he suggested going for a walk and then an AA meeting at Littlehampton. How funny that was. G is very humorous and out of the box.
We went for a lovely walk. Apparently I gave him a bit of an earache about the situation, however I wanted to understand what had happened. I did say that if he walked out too often then I wasn't sure I'd be able to deal with it at all. We agreed to resume the relationship and see what happens.
Since that trial separation we have had a couple of other difficult moments. Both of which G did not leave for. The next one involved me being insensitive. I had earlier in the day met up with G and his friend Erst (N). I was nervous about meeting Erst. By the way he is so-called because he uses the word erstwhile when describing his estranged partner. Another funny G-ism. He has quirky little names for most people.
As a result of being so nervous I was ultra chatty. A lot of words again and no gaps for silences. It was probably babble but as it was endless I have no idea what I said. I was nervous to make an impression. I know Erst vaguely from the rooms but this is a friend of G's, although he'd say differently. I wanted to make an impression on Erst because for some reason I think it would be an influence on G's thoughts about me. Gosh I have convoluted ideas. I have always wanted to make an impression on boyfriends friends. Even wanting the friends to fancy me. What is this all about?
I do not want Erst to fancy me and never have wanted them to fancy me for any kind of affair but so that they would want someone like me and also think how lucky G, for example, is. It's all mental exhaustion. I recognised it though but just couldn't stop the babbling. Mongolian Mouth Mumble as M would say.
So all was well. Except I felt uncomfortable about my Mongolian Mouth Mumble. Also I think there was a bit of an atmosphere. I had been to FA in the morning and initially I was travelling back straight from the gallery to meet with G and go on to H's birthday event down in Godstone. I received a text to say it was cancelled and hence it came about to met with with G and Erst who were having cuppas at the Devils' Punchbowl.
I can't remember if G was a bit moody. His moods do seem to fluctuate more than mine I believe. Perhaps he'd already been pissed off with something. I sensed a something in his tone and lack of conversation this evening on the phone. It's not worth asking if he's okay because the answer is YES! Yet clearly not all is okay.
I'll go on to talk about where he is and the impact I think that is having on me and us.
Anyway this Saturday evening I'm referring to, G started talking about how people have a lot of words and are not really saying anything and what is it all about anyway. I am making this up really because before he could utter very much I was jumping into heated to discussion, talking about the value of communication etc etc etc. I was proving that words are perfectly necessary and relevant. I was defending my behaviour from earlier when he possibly was not referring to that and instead talking about something related to his Buddhist meditation practice. I still think there was some connection with earlier but he says not and I want to believe in him. He seems very open and honest. Although he does tell porky's to Mrs Elstead. He tells lies because he doesn't want to hurt her. It is so infuriating. But at least he has told her about me. I just realise that if he codependently lies to her he is more than capable of doing the same to me. However he tells me he would be truthful. When he is angry after being there I do often wonder if it's because something has happened that he can't be honest about for fear of hurting me.
It's either my intuition or I'm highly sensitive to the situation. You see he has been in a relationship with Mrs E. She is married so he is not adverse to the infidelity. I'm not judging for goodness sake as I have had a number of relationships that were unfaithful on one or both parts. And this was another argument when he felt judged and yes I was judging but because I wanted him to see that it was not okay to have a relationship with a married woman. This was so that he wouldn't get involved with Mrs E again. Very manipulative really and critical too without really seeing in advance what I was doing. Despite the difficulty of another argument I was glad to see my behaviour. I have done it again since. And of course I see the fear driving my attitude and behaviour. The attitude was to show him the error of his ways so as to control him. And my fear was that it would be over and worse still for another woman. I am so fragile with feeling okay about myself that whenever it has happened that a man has left for another woman I have more evidence to show that I am a horrid, ugly woman. Desire me otherwise I'm a lump of shit! An indication about just how far down my esteem actually is.
Going back to the first went, I don't actually think I had done anything wrong at all. And being early on in our relationship it was much easier then to lock the door and think move on than it is now. Time has passed and my feelings are developing into something stronger. Dar I say the word love. I have told G that I love the person he is. And I have said often I love you. Am I in love with him? I don't really know what this means. But there are times when I can't get close enough physically and I want to eat him. He has said similar things which is always nice to have things reciprocated.
Anyway back to the mouth mumble incident ... I can't remember precisely what happened. However I think this was the occasion when he stomped to the bedroom. We had been watching Immortal Beloved. Oh I enjoyed the film for the music and learning about Beethoven. Consider it worth a watch.
Directed by Bernard Rose and a cast of Gary Oldman, Isabella Rosellini and Johanna ter Steege.
G made a joke just recently that he didn't want to watch this film as it had caused an argument between us.
Anyway the Mongolian Mouth Mumble situation resulted in me eventually being able to apologise. Good for everyone really. And so what if a client is angry with me. We have panic buttons.
I'm too tired to write on. I think I need to go to bed.
Nighty Night
Bliss
XX
