Well, since feeling better and better, I have been busy. Actually even when I was in the dark grunge I kept getting to my regular meetings and did meet up with people. I have been off work now for 6 weeks. It's been nice not going to work but I haven't really achieved much in the way of studying. But it truly has been repairing time. I have fought it all the way telling myself that I should at least be using this time to catch up and get ahead with my studies. But I have been knocked off my feet with depression. And at times mania. The thing is whilst I love the manic phase (even though it's been rapid cycling) the down is so down it's devastating. And there has been this energy about deathliness. Very grim and dark indeed. So actually although I didn't do the things I thought I should be doing and was feeling so guilty about not being at work, it has been absolutely necessary.
Because what I have been able to do is write, get into an exercise routine, get really in contact with good supportive friends, get to meetings easily and do more for my recovery, go to meditations, and get my
eating back into a healthy order with the benefits of feeling better about myself size-wise. I think that contributes tremendously to my depression, when I feel overweight and eating unhealthily.
I have also re-engaged with my therapist and getting support and awareness about my behaviours last year. I can see how I totally made the man in the relationship my Higher Power. To begin with I was maintaining my spiritual connection and in fact thought there was a spirituality in what we were practicing sexually. I still think there was something very spiritual occurring but it didn't last. For the first time I was experiencing sex and able to be entirely me, relax and enjoy it. However, there was the handing over of the control of what happened to someone else. But even within that there was room for me to say what was pleasing and we could talk about the sex and arousal with ease. That was all a very new experience. I have a fear that will never experience that again which I think has greatly contributed to the deep sense of loss and the pain that that loss brings. I enjoyed experimenting with our own version of tantric sensations. I can easily start longing to meet someone with whom I can experience true intimacy which would include some of those things I experienced. There is a caveat though, because whilst I was able to feel that sexual arousal, I was also aware very early on, of things being not quite as they seemed. I questioned and listened and for instance wondered and still do wonder where and how JH was gaining or had been gaining his own sexual knowledge. He said he was new to M/s and that everything was simply going with his senses. I had some questions about this but he kept reassuring me and to begin with I had no reason to doubt. He said he had a lot to read and a need to learn quickly about the M/s relationship. Some of this seemed genuine but there were things that raised questions. The problem is that after the time went on there were certain things that did become exposed as lies and so it is difficult to know now what was truth and wasn't?? I do not need to know now. And judgement is being made at a far higher level than I will ever know. I trust today that the relationship ended for the right reasons for both of us.
What it leaves me with though is a deep desire to be OK as me. To really know now that I need to develop my relationship with myself. I do not want to continue being an vulnerable or raging person that is exposed and thereby choosing inappropriate actions. I can see how the dark side is very appealing. It seems adventurous and is very arousing. However, the light side brings a feeling of ease and gentle contentment. It's funny how as in everything I can feel angelic or devilish. High or low. Black or white. Fast or slow. All or nothing. This is the borderline mania I think. And deciding to manage it is OK but how do I quieten the devil when it arises.
I had secrets last year - I did not tell friends the extent to which I was on SL. I did not tell them the way in which I entered into the relationship. I did tell them I was experiencing sex pleasurably for the first time but I did not tell them what that involved because there was shame attached to that. I need to listen to the shame - whilst shame is often someone else's it's also my own instincts. I still find it appealing but I know I cannot follow that trail. I am attending SLAA and do not want to go to SAA. I could try it online I suppose. But I think first I will continue the work with my therapist.
It was so relieving to reveal all to someone - my therapist. Although I was tentative at first, he made it easy.
I am glad to have finalised everything in SL. I do not intend to return for the foreseeable future. All ties are cut even though there was some sadness about that. Loss again. Something else I have experienced and those parts of it that were good are now not accessible. But I have learnt things from it. And I prefer being more engaged with real life. Playing at doing my own art productions and poetry etc. Sharing them with people in the here and now, the present moment. There s something more genuine about it. I think that is the problem for me with SL I realise people can and are being less than their full selves. Their Avatar itself is a beautiful version giving a false sense of connection. There were times when I thought it was real connection. And it probably was at some level. I will not say that SL was a bad place, it wasn't. I have had an experience that started in SL and tapped into something that was connected with darkness. I hate saying that because it means I must move away from it and there is a part of me that still wants it. Like all things that are unhealthy for me. But I suppose as I develop and things heal and improved - not from this experience I mean the childhood wounds, then I will feel better and not need those things. I want to be connected with light and love, peace and wisdom, truth and bliss. And I will be more trusting of my instincts and less tempted by temptation itself. I will grwo stronger. And maybe some time in the future I should like to find out how JH is getting along and see if he would wish to develop a friendship on a different basis. Of course he may have moved on and not wish to have contact. That would be OK too. WIth my own boudnaries in place and stronger I feel certain that friendships are possible and it is then also possible to move away from people, places and things that are not healthy for ME. I am not saying it is bad for anyone esle. Just me and the baggage I lug along.
I can tell from my thinking and writing that things really are much improved. I feel lighter and strgoner with every day. I now just need to give this time to develop.
It was lovely meeting with my friend AM last evenign. We chatted mainly about her recent events. She made me smile with her possibility of being pregnant. It's everything she wants. And so it's not surprising that she is less careful in a new relationship. And thank goodness the responisbility isn;t just ehrs right now that she has warned about needing to be cautious and he is not so worried either. I hope things work out for her just the way she wants them to.
And ML has completed this years workload at Uni. Hooray. She has been really struggling. I am concerned about her right now. She is also tempted by a darker side to her. It is worrying that she is less inclned to take action. It feels scary to me. I am not sure how things would be if she starts drinking again. I think it would be very tempting for me as I write this. So this shows once again how I really need to stay close to people choosing healthy options. It always looks so much fun but really and truly look ho this has ended up for me!! How much evidence do I need.
My eating went from OK to unhealthy - driven by hormones I am certain but the overhwlming feelings also drove the desire to eat them away. And with it a complete loss of self esteem and worth!
I pray Universe that you will keep ML safe. I think she really needs it right now. I knw she is drained after this work and a ot of anger is present for her. She has also given up smoking and I now myself how flipping difficult that was. For the first year all I wanted to do was drink and drug. It always seems easier than facing up to everything. Like SL - get involved in that and not have to face up to real life feelings and responsibilities and efforts. Easy I can see how did it.
So to study - a plan - notes!
Oh another lovely walk this morning - up the hill. Phew I can feel my muscles that haven't been worked like that for oh too long.
Not so warm and certainly misty. LouLou mislaid me. She ran off in copletely the wrong direction. When she finally came running over the brow of the hill she looked really indignant as if it was me that had abandoned her. I am sure she doesn't think like that but she has some funny looks that are all too easy to humanise with emotions and thoughts. I couldn't get a phot of it because it was just too hazy. Poo.
Oh and an idea that might actually come off - all these friends of mine taking photographs and sketching - some were talking about them being as good as some that are sold etc etc. Someone said she is going to try to get some placed in her local library. So I said why don't we have an exhibition - a just for fun one.
Am said it's always best to have a theme - and so perhaps FaceBook photos might be a start. She was then suggesting whereever we do it if we have a big wall, we could create a wall like photo posts on FB. I am not sure - I think ti needs to be brainstormed. Asking T if whe would want to be involved as she has good experiemce. It could be a laugh and if nothing else get the photos off the comp and made into something that is touchable and no longer virtual. I think there is a possibility.
The very most anyone ever has to overcome, Bliss, is today.
Which is actually the "height limit" on all metaphorical lions, tigers and bears.
Double GRR-R-R-R-R...,
The Universe
Bliss
XX
