Angels exist

Today I witnessed a beautiful thing. A lady I've had the honour of knowing have an injection of life into a man who was dying inside. PD today was given the lifeline and I saw him resisting with pride but also accept with honour.
I pray to God that you can remove my jealousy and self-obsession, as I sat and thought "why wasn't I offered that?" And "why am I only the manager." And " surely people can see the lackings???". I want to chop out this way of thinking and stick with the beauty I saw. I hope PD will also hold onto his home as this is an opportunity for him to really grow without the need to be the entrepreneur out on his own. He can be a part of the bigger organisation. It's where he belongs.
Please God help me to see the good in people and nurture rather than condemn. I want to love people and accept them for who they are, to be able to encourage their assets and be a part of their growth not instigate their downfall. Yet I hold this part of me that says but can't you see ...... See what Bliss?, that everyone including YOU Bliss have shortcomings but also great skills and experiences.
I hope that this afternoon I became part of the encouragement and joy and was far away from the negativity within me. Please God remove it in all it's forms. Show me how to be loving, caring and far from my insecurities. In that way jealousy and negative thinking will surely go God willing.

I'm scared to tell my sponsor my thinking because she'll make more judgement on me that I believe I picked up on the other day when I was explaining about PD spin doctoring and she said firmly said, " let him have his dignity!" Why wouldn't i? Well because it misrepresents me and I'm too afraid that on my own I can be of merit. I feel inferior just by being female let alone suddenly having no confidence. God please be with me and show me the way, every single step of it.
Thank you God I know you will.

Bliss
Xx

Hunch trusts

Trust in my instincts, that's good for me to keep experiencing. However, it is often when I verbalise things that it starts to become apparent that I have instincts in the first place.
Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body.  I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!

Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am

Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.

Complicated people.

Bliss
XX

ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!

I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.

Assessment v judgement

I'm struggling to decipher between observing someone doing something and judging them. I am witnessing a person who is mentally unwell and asking others to do something that they themselves do not, and will not do. I am seeing someone who cannot make mistakes or fail and so spins a story and makes a situation look another way to convince themselves. I am not convinced. Yet it goes out to the public as if it's the truth and the person begins to believe it too. I think I've a bit of sour grapes there as it demeans my own position in all of the notification to save his dignity. I can give him that. I can be humble.

Bliss
xx

Ego versus laziness or conviction! Go with the flow ......

Well it seems it's for me to work on my niggles and criticisms and judgements with PD and also go ahead with AC. It's all steam ahead for AC.

Or is it ? Please guide me in my decision making process. And there's always layer upon layer to decipher.
What do I need to do to do the best? I want to work with people. I am passionate about working with people and helping them change where they want change.

Here's my decision tool in use again

Dilemma: AC  continues (yipeeee) and second interview with Priory

Date: 4^th August 2014 Decision needed by wed 6^th August 2014

Decision importance – weighty

Indecisiveness level: partisan

Best case scenario

Still to eventually set up own business – but to work for AC and PD with a third person, guaranteed for another year. Earn more money and be grateful for all that’s good. Get degree completed and then get some training organised next year in therapy.

Pipe dream – own business growth really

Worst Case scenario

Continue to be bored, critical, judgemental of PD. Piss the Priory off miss an opportunity

Gut feelings

Stick with PD and AC

Pluses – have lots of freedom and no responsibility other than as a counsellor. Get to do my studying. PD is now offering an increase in January and then again to £30k when he can.

Minuses – I do get bored and I’m not enhancing my counselling skills. I do disagree with PD and his ways and we have different ideas on therapy (but with the same ultimate goal)

Pluses – it’s another year guaranteed and in that time I can continue with my own little practice.

But I wonder whether I could negotiate 4 days per week at £28.5 as offered. Or I can run my private practice at weekends now I won’t be studying. Can I?

Minuses - I am pretty certain PD will want me full time L - maybe negotiable if we take on 3^rd person as a 4 dayer.

Pluses – PD is already aware of desire to go to Singapore next year for 3 to 4 weeks

Minuses – I don’t think there really are many minuses except as already stated my criticism and judgement which I commit to working through. It means being more open in discussion with him.

Gut feelings

Go for the interview in case the money doesn’t come through (only if something happens to B will it not come through.

To be honest I don’t want to work for them

Pluses – after conversation with ET got really positive comments and also to be myself is okay which helped with interview. i.e. my selling abilities are very natural. I am aware that sometimes people are making enquiries and that’s part of my assessment – are they really contemplating but can sew the seed and keep occasional tabs in case they become ready. But also very aware of substance and behavioural addictions – role with their speed but also encourage. Have had success being persuasive where I can see there is an urgency and simply fear.  All that sort of thing.

Minuses – all things I’ve already said – it’s a corporate with no real care for their staff. Might change and even might be able to fight but do I really want to.

Pluses – go for the interview and see how I do.

Minuses – have to then say will think about it and say no – ugh the thought of letting them down that way but that’s the way things roll.

Pluses – yes would be able to develop contacts in my own name but could do that anyway and it’s not my main focus right now.

Minuses – hard work!

Pluses – not so many really – all a bit of ego!!!

Intuitive conclusion – stick with PD at AC and slowly develop self and own thing

Rational conclusion – stick with PD at AC

Decision – stick with PD at AC

Next steps – decide whether to cancel interview or not

Dilemma: Cancel interview or not?

Date 4^th August 2014

Decision needed by am 5^th August 2014

Decision importance: Worthwhile to weighty

Indecisiveness Level: washy

Best case scenario:

Can go along for interview, be offered the job and they will happily understand my decision not to take up the offer. – Not a pipe dream if I handle it appropriately

Worst case scenario:

Don’t get offered the job or they are really pissed off with me and I upset relationships

Apocalypse – yes to latter part of that not to first part – will get over that.

Gut feelings

Cancel interview

Pluses – fair and not wasting time as decision is pretty much made up – just a slight doubt that maybe I’m missing an opportunity.

Minuses – don’t get to find out if I can be good enough – that’s pride and ego

Pluses – well quite simply I do not have to give any more time to the interview prep or time tomorrow much needed for my essay.

Minuses – there aren’t any really. Oh except if B doesn’t wire the money to PD for any reason we are out of money very soon and can’t continue.

Go for interview

Pluses – get to feed my curiosity about the process and if I can do it and come out looking good

Minuses – wastes everyones time for a bit of ego

Intuitive conclusion – money will come through and go with decision to stay with PD so cancel interview ASAP

Rational conclusion – cancel interview as soon as know money is secure

Decision – cancel interview but get help to word how to do this

Tomorrow am

Next steps ask PD to let me know once money is secure. Not that it really matters.

I wonder how many people see me use the word God and are turned off because it has religious connotations. My God is not religious of course. It's spiritual principles, it's universal energy, it's people, it's life courses, it's feeling good by doing what I rally value deep down inside. My real principles!

I'd really love it some days people would read my posts and enter into discussions with me. I love the interaction. It's not a blog though that attracts people just to read life stuff that's going on. I ralise that's actually quite boring.

Hey ho!

Bliss

XX

Indecisive decisiveness

Dilemma: What  to do about work
Date: 3rd August 2014
Decisions needed by: well finally 12th August but a lot is dependent on a number of other people in between time
Decision Importance: Weighty
Indecisiveness level: Wishy and partisan too

Best case scenario:
Have my own business going (ACT - Addiction Counselling and Therapy), working 4 days per week with regular referrals and 4/5 clients per day. Workshops up and running
Pipe dream but not impossible over two years I think

4 day per week employment with PD at AC for the next 2 years and an additional staff member.
Earning more money - unlikely with PD
Not a pipe dream but dependent on PD feeling able to carry on and getting funding.

Worst case scenario:
Out of work and on benefits if even possible these days.
Not apocalypse at all. But not great either in terms of income.

Gut Feelings
Not to work for the P BUT will go for second interview to work towards avoiding worse case scenario
Really this job interview is to go for it should AC not be in existence.

Pluses for working for them:
Could enjoy bringing the team back together.
Minuses of this - takes a lot of energy within a company that does not invest in staff or care for them so would be fighting for resources all the time and needing to justify against very tight budgets.
Pluses - increase in money (if I can negotiate it I would want at least £5k more than I'm on now)
Minuses - wouldn't really have the time to do my private work at all and also would have to see what could be done about time off for studying if start date before the end of my degree. I would want 4 days per week but it is a full time job.
Pluses - I could solidify contacts for referrals when I left.
Minuses - further to travel and would be on call really.
Pluses - nice working environment
Minuses - FC is leaving, team are in deep despair and low morale/motivation.

Gut feelings Stay at Addiction Care - definitely feels best option
Pluses - PD is a good man
Minuses - we think differently on what is support and how to support clients. I described it this morning as being two parents who have different beliefs on how to bring the kids up. I can find ways to compromise and discuss and negotiate with him and not involve the kids. (Plus - growth for me)
Pluses - do have time to do my own business and also don't have the responsibility of managing and being the decision maker merely the contributor (prefer less responsibility in that way)
Minuses - can't see any in connection with that point. Money stays the same though - but can earn a little extra with own business. However, I am not cementing any referral contacts in my own name.
Pluses - if the business grows I know PD would look after me financially
Minuses - It's hard work with PD himself. I get critical and judgmental. His mood swings can affect me and wear away at me. Sometimes I'm okay and when I;m not there it's better. It would be better if there were someone else involved as well
Another minus - it's all up in the air until tomorrow after he's spoken to his funder today.
Pluses - I am realising how grateful I am with all the benefits of this job and how when I see the negatives I am extreme and want out straight away. Grass is always greener. Grateful that I've been shown this Thank you God.

Gut feelings P at Gatwick - would love the therapy learning but it's in the wrong location. Gut instinct - don't go for the interview stop wasting theirs and my time. It's not until 12th August either so .....

Pluses - as I said the opportunity to learn more therapy
Minuses - gut feeling stuff about B and C. Both lovely people but not sure they would be to work for.
Pluses - secondary unit so not dealing with hard core addiction - people moving on and wanting to work deeper.
Minuses - the location - too far to travel and even considering a move is problematic. LouLou is very settled with A and G. They do not charge me and are more like family anyway.

Gut feelings - on benefits and develop own business. SCARY!! Not sure if I can overcome my fear. BUT this is the most favourable option.
Pluses - wouldn't have to travel so far
Minuses - like working with colleagues and this would be very lonely
Pluses - would have time to wok more on studies to completion date
Minuses - little to no income and not able to save for Singapore.
Pluses - could do lots of little jobs in between time
Minuses - not so easy to get lots of little jobs and will take the time I want for setting up etc and still earning low money
Pluses - it's what I want to try and want to believe in myself
Minuses - no minuses to that oh except lacking in self-belief and then think it's a silly idea and how can I make that work.
Pluses - once degree is completed I can spend time on differnt training courses and gain more confidence and develop self in this work (I can do this at AC too)
minuses - loan working and getting workshops up and running with another is still intermittent.
Pluses - I have lots of people support in other ways. It would be great to do this in partnership with someone else to bolster each other and somehow it's not as scary then as being on my own and doing it.
Pluses - I could really promote myself more as an artists model but that's just sort of developing slowly and maybe I need to allow ACT to just develop slowly and get known that way.

Intuition conclusion:
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there next 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If he decides to fold - take redundancy and risk benefits and promote own business.

Rational conclusion;
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there net 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If offered, take the P job as manager. Save, save, save. Develop contacts with a view in 18 months to 2 years to leave and focus on own business - heart sinks as I say this. Still feel as if I'm selling my soul to the devil.

Decision: For today wait and see what PD comes back with and really hope that he wants to go ahead as this is the best option for me. I'm not sure it's the best option for him and his health.
Next step: Get on with essay and see what he says tomorrow. Leave it until then.  And then re-evaluate.

Good plan Bliss!

Bliss :)
xxxx

Thank you God. This little thing was sent along just at the right time.
It has solidified what was really becoming clearer yesterday and all week I've  been praying for clarity

You are a marvel God. :)

Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX