There are times when I think I have to be truly insane. Things just don't make sense.
Spending 461 years in Spring Creek Correctional Centre, Robert Hansen abducted and killed a lot of women. The bodies of 11 were only ever found.
One of his abductees told her story contributing to the film The Frozen Ground. I've just watched it. It coincides with having been "courting" in modern day ways, i.e. Skype with DW. He's a very nice man. I find myself just not believing that to be true but so wanting it to be. Amongst many films this was one he downloaded for me, completely innocent of my past. Not that I have been abducted but I've been to dark corners, corners I would not wish for anyone. In this film Cindy says to the cop and I paraphrase "all my life since I was young, I really wanted a chance to believe someone . When they say everything's going to be okay, they're actually telling the truth. It's okay to ask isn't it?"
As these words were creeping in, they landed somewhere profound. I found myself crying and crying, repeating over and over "it's not him, it's not him." I meant by this that I cannot expect it to be DW. It wasn't GS. He couldn't be believable. It can't be anyone. I think somehow I am believing MW is believable. It's not that he says it will be okay in any way I'd like it to be. It never can you see. Things have happened. That never ever can be changed. My mum said everything would be okay in the morning. Always she said to think about the flowers growing. I used to see flowers on a grave. I never told her.
I feel panic subsiding as I'm writing this. I am so relieved to have God now in my life because even in those moments of panic setting in I could just hear God. Only just but I could hear God nonetheless. I do have God whom I can believe that whatever happens everything will be okay. Even in death. I do not have to be in those terrifying places anymore but I am scared. I take the risk every time. It's always a risk, no assurances. I absolutely know that now. After all these years, searching, searching for that someone I could believe in.
Psychologically I have studied enough to know that psyche has been affected. Whether all or any of the theories are the truth or not, it's there, never to go away. I sense with my recent client there is something deep and sinister but I didn't want to believe it. I spoke with S from FA and she talked my language of this believing once but not believing now that these awful things happened. Feeling things in my body, slipping into trauma so easily. I am so relieved that SC helped to find ways to stabilise myself. This could easily have been a trip back into the red room.
Thank you God for always being there. I don't know what I believe but I believe it will all be okay even if that's death. I am not afraid of that. I guess I am not even afraid of being injured anymore. It's happened and so what?
How funny this is all squashed down now as I've received a text from a friend. This friend is the one whose sister was murdered when we were both 17 yrs of age. It still haunts me. My friend tends to have blanked things out and this works for her. I truly believe that these things sit in our psyche somewhere. But maybe I'm wrong and for some people they never have to take another look. Who knows?
My panic and hurt is gone with a simple text. Another person I cannot tell. I was writing this entry and wondering who I wanted to talk to, knowing I want someone to know how it feels. Really to find someone who can identify to see if how I feel is real. It's sad I need to find someone outside of me to know whether these feelings and reactions are real. So sad.
God, I pray for all the victims to find freedom in their souls.
Off to study
Bliss
xx
Spending 461 years in Spring Creek Correctional Centre, Robert Hansen abducted and killed a lot of women. The bodies of 11 were only ever found.
One of his abductees told her story contributing to the film The Frozen Ground. I've just watched it. It coincides with having been "courting" in modern day ways, i.e. Skype with DW. He's a very nice man. I find myself just not believing that to be true but so wanting it to be. Amongst many films this was one he downloaded for me, completely innocent of my past. Not that I have been abducted but I've been to dark corners, corners I would not wish for anyone. In this film Cindy says to the cop and I paraphrase "all my life since I was young, I really wanted a chance to believe someone . When they say everything's going to be okay, they're actually telling the truth. It's okay to ask isn't it?"
As these words were creeping in, they landed somewhere profound. I found myself crying and crying, repeating over and over "it's not him, it's not him." I meant by this that I cannot expect it to be DW. It wasn't GS. He couldn't be believable. It can't be anyone. I think somehow I am believing MW is believable. It's not that he says it will be okay in any way I'd like it to be. It never can you see. Things have happened. That never ever can be changed. My mum said everything would be okay in the morning. Always she said to think about the flowers growing. I used to see flowers on a grave. I never told her.
I feel panic subsiding as I'm writing this. I am so relieved to have God now in my life because even in those moments of panic setting in I could just hear God. Only just but I could hear God nonetheless. I do have God whom I can believe that whatever happens everything will be okay. Even in death. I do not have to be in those terrifying places anymore but I am scared. I take the risk every time. It's always a risk, no assurances. I absolutely know that now. After all these years, searching, searching for that someone I could believe in.
Psychologically I have studied enough to know that psyche has been affected. Whether all or any of the theories are the truth or not, it's there, never to go away. I sense with my recent client there is something deep and sinister but I didn't want to believe it. I spoke with S from FA and she talked my language of this believing once but not believing now that these awful things happened. Feeling things in my body, slipping into trauma so easily. I am so relieved that SC helped to find ways to stabilise myself. This could easily have been a trip back into the red room.
Thank you God for always being there. I don't know what I believe but I believe it will all be okay even if that's death. I am not afraid of that. I guess I am not even afraid of being injured anymore. It's happened and so what?
How funny this is all squashed down now as I've received a text from a friend. This friend is the one whose sister was murdered when we were both 17 yrs of age. It still haunts me. My friend tends to have blanked things out and this works for her. I truly believe that these things sit in our psyche somewhere. But maybe I'm wrong and for some people they never have to take another look. Who knows?
My panic and hurt is gone with a simple text. Another person I cannot tell. I was writing this entry and wondering who I wanted to talk to, knowing I want someone to know how it feels. Really to find someone who can identify to see if how I feel is real. It's sad I need to find someone outside of me to know whether these feelings and reactions are real. So sad.
God, I pray for all the victims to find freedom in their souls.
Off to study
Bliss
xx
