You can say when .....

Naughty writing to LW. After a weekend of feeling flat and sad, grieving all that is goo about G and missing him it was a relief to hear from LW. I know it's a distraction and amidst I have little fantasies of hope that it might evolve  into THE relationship. How many times before I learn???

Anyway the texting and emailing produces the sexiness once again. It feels different from SL because .... ? Hmm not sure because. It's just him and I? It's not amidst avatars? I don't know if it really is any different. It's a speedier way than all those years ago when it could only be sexy letters between lovers. So it's different but it's not novel.

So here we go - read at your peril she said smiling and embarrassed ....

"This may be something you already know, however I wanted to write this as a very powerful turn on.I will write this as if it's what we have experienced in person together.

Whilst we've been paying with each other, arousing each other, touching and feeling each other, it's a real exquisite feeling to watch you masturbate yourself. To be able to be a part of that and join in by licking the droplets of cum whilst you touch yourself. And every so often you allow me to take you in my mouth, whilst holding your cock with my hands at the same time, feeling your balls gently, you trusting me with you.

When you tell me to play with myself, it's very exciting. You've already made me very wet, playing with my clit, with my pussy. Teasing me with your cock at times. And then when you tell me to play with me I know that you are going to tell me to stop as you notice that I am getting close to orgasm and you tell me to stop. At first I resist you but you firmly tell me to stop. I can feel the sensations seeping back into my body, slowly, slowly. And it's as if you've just taken possession of a little bit of me. Then just as I've started to ground you tell me to play with myself again, instructing me as to what I should do. You wait until I'm so highly aroused, getting there quicker this time and then tell me to stop. It's even harder to stop but you insist. And so I do. And again just when I'm relaxed you tell me to play. Very quickly I'm near to orgasm and you tell me to stop again. You leave me longer this time and talk about all sorts of things with me. Then when I think you will not tell me to play with myself you do and this time you let me keep playing and then you tell me to cum at the count of 10. You count down slowly and my god! At one you say cum and I do, my whole boy completely taken by the absolute orgasm that's been continuously absorbed into me and totally in your hands. You are holding me as I cum. I long for you to touch me but you just hold me and soothe me.

I am so utterly exhausted with this orgasm.

I know then that you have absolute control of my orgasm."

 

Now I have experienced this both virtually and actually. It is extremely powerful and why is it that I adore the control being with them so much. I feel pretty certain that it removes me from my vulnerability at some level and yet telling him about it is vulnerability. I didn't want to share this sort of thing with any man again until it was a proper relationship. I hadn't even shared this with G. I would hint at things hoping he would pick up on it. But of course it was up to me to be explicit. JH knew this stuff. He was very advanced and taught me a lot about accepting me sexually.

I am forever grateful to him for that but I don;t think he'll ever know.

 

Bliss

XX

 

 

 

 

Measured matter but not why matter matters just as it is. It just is

My name isn't Bliss, but it does for at least some anonymity whilst I write for public view about this crazy life I have that I chose today to call and adventure.
If you read back over these years I've been writing here, I'm sure that a lot of it will mundane, over-emotionalised nonsense. But between the lines there's a lot of profundity. A lot of potential lessons. With a view as an outsider, with the overview of this life I live in, you will be able to judge if the potential is realised to any degree.
I am inspired by peoples inspirations. Just the other day someone commented on FB about the film Romance and Cigarettes.This came to the fore with the sudden death of James Gandolfini. I barely know his acting to be honest but as always with fame, his death suddenly makes his young years of early 50's poignant of all deaths in this way. especially I suppose as I'm in my early 50's. 53 to be precise. Well 53 plus some days and hours and minutes etc if I am to be really precise. How did those many years happen to me. Anyway a point I wanted to make is that other peoples creative discoveries are a sort of introduction and education for me to discover these things. The more I am aware of the more of an education around things I have, by exposure if you life. The more exposure the more discerning I become of what I like. And I have given such power to people that I have actually liked what they like to get their approval. Nowadays that's moderating and I am better able to say what I like and hopefully keep an open mind. With ML if she likes something I am loathe to like it anymore as she gets such a ego with peoples approval of her in any shape or form. Why does this all rub me up the wrong way?

So I've been lying in bed all morning since 5 am. I went to bed just after 10pm. I simply was not able to stay awake any longer. Today I want to really read chapter 10 and then take some notes on it. I want to try and keep the assignment question in mind so that I study it with that in view. And then tomorrow I'd like to read chapter 16 and make some notes on that. It's a lot to ask of myself. So I will actually start at 8:30.
I have plans to visit SS for a walk this afternoon and tomorrow I will walk with AB. It's good that I see other people at the weekends other than AB. For some reason I felt limited but safe being there all those weeks and months before. But AB is limited with her paranoia and desire to drink. Her drinking limits her and I do get irritated. It's such a waste of talent and ability. It's the same thoughts I have of G and JB. All that genius seems wasted and yet that's where they are. I wouldn't say I seem them happy, not even content but that's where they choose to stay. And I could be wrong. The alternative, the doing something about it is obviously harder than staying there.
Gosh that makes me sad as if G were to step forward I think we could have had a wonderful time together forever. But that's gone it really has. The hope for that relationship has truly died.
Even now if he were to step away from some of the things that I found were limiting of me, I think there could just not be a reigniting of anything. Isn't that a strange thing?
I saw the film Romance and Cigarettes. Not a great film. But the infidelity in the end was the thing that allowed him to see he actually loved his wife. And her hatred was actually her hurting for the love of him. When he showed up she could not avoid her love for him. And then he was ill and died. Redemption of true love in the end away from lust.
But this was actually a discovery that G's brilliance was overshadowed by things that just weren't a good match with me. That's the reason for courting. I just do it from the inside instead of the more reserved way, i.e. no sex and intense involvement as in almost living together. My parents so frowned upon this I've thought it was wrong all the time. It was as if like them after 6 months I should get married and make it work. That's what they did despite my mum knowing really it wasn't for her. She left him at the beginning but went back. She was probably compelled to as I have been - but her shackles were of her background - Catholicism no doubt being a large part of the familial influence.
And D said again yesterday the way in which some women flirt is learnt from their mothers. She's possibly got a good point there. My mum was a flirt. With everyone. She flirted with people. I beguile by showing interest in peoples interests and learning more about their interest. I like to delve around finding out what music they like or films or passions and join them in those things. The other day my flirting involved asking LW about music and we spent an evening swapping tunes. I enjoyed listening to what he likes. And then threw a few of the things I've enjoyed. I mentioned art to see if he likes any. He likes theatre and I'm not sure about cinema. It's all flirting. I am more me but also enjoy discovery so feel others introduce me to more. I like new and interesting. Learning about wild flowers with G has really ignited an awareness of the things I've walked by, not unnoticed but definitely I'm even more aware. I like that.

I am thoughtful. and some remorse has appeared in the recent week AG (after G). It's grief I think in connection with my dad being gone and no way of making amends when I now see the error of my past ways including recent years. I have been so filled with resentment and hatred. My behaviour reflected this. I am seeing it so much clearer but with no way of making direct amends to either of my parents. I am truly sorry mum and dad. Knowing that I am helps but its also so sad that I cannot show them in person only to their spirit. I am sure to continue making mistakes but I think my direction is less self-centred.
I feel so sad that G will be hurting in any way. I am probably hugely projecting my sadness for his story so far of rejection since a young child. He has been on the receiving end of what seems like rejection of him. He appears to me to be a raging child without any way of expressing the extraordinarily and talented man he actually is. I have been endowed with the trust of meeting some of the G within that is usually reserved behind a wall of grump and disdain. I feel fortunate and will carry that man forever with me. I am sad that the other parts of him and parts of me just didn't work out. I am truly sad and without LW around I am suddenly able to feel the loss and sadness.
And with it the grief around my dad too. I was fuelled in anger and glad to start letting go of some of that with G gone.
I feel lonely right now and need to sit with that. I was so fortunate yesterday to have a surprise call from JM. I haven't seen or heard from her for some several years now, perhaps since 2009. Yes since April 2009 when I left N and joined P group.
It was tiring but also lovely to see her. She is on a therapeutic journey and enjoying the discovery. She still has so much anger but it's understandable. I liked the way she talked of her parents unit ad she is on the outside. It does make me wonder why people have children. But it's life and each person has to come to terms with their lot and get on with the experience. Me included.
This has been my journey so far. It's not something to be angry with me for or judge. it's juge been the route anad the lessons with it are something to be cherished. I feel that way for everyone more and more. I have such feelings though for people as they are in their pain.

And the relationship with S has evolved further having met last week. We spoke yesterday. We were texting and then had the novel idea of talking. I was nice to know this friendship is growing. How marvellous that techno pen friends can develop real life. There's so much negativity about virtual chats but it's possibly just a broader faster way to meet people. Hasn't human history been a story of everything speeding up decade upon decade. Is it bad? I doubt it it just is. Experience it, adjust. Nature adjusts. We are within the process of creating the speed and experiencing it. We are it's cause and it's effect.

Bliss
XX

 

Insider ops

The Skype call was lovely for the purposes of someone calling me when I can see a long empty of people day ahead of me. But the little noises, the echoing sound and plop plop of rising bubbles from the depths of the deep, I just can't think of a summarising phrase that really captures the sound. JH could do that somehow.
A call from FA J. She had tried several contacts so was pleased to make contact. I was pleased of the connection with the "god-shaped hole" she mentioned. That was a reminder to bring HP into this. I suppose it's the first Saturday after the euphoria of feeling free for a week.
I think the high is beginning to deflate. The descent isn't quite as attractive and exciting as the exhilarating ride up. So here we are. Oh and LW has not been as intent with his contact this week. I suppose he's a lot more sensible than I am. A couple of days of late calls and intense contact and then he is getting on with his other interests - time out with friends (agh!), time with his boys (perfectly understood), work (when I still check even though I'm busy at work).

I don't even wonder what G is doing because I assume everything has returned to what it was. Time at D's sitting in Elstead doing what he did here, being grumpy and critical. Then reluctantly going to his revoltingly kept flat and attending meetings just not to be there with himself. I hope he managed to stay off the cigarettes. Gosh! Just 3 days off and then an end of a relationship, What a perfect excuse to start again rather than ride through the cravings. No doubt I'll be the selfish one to be so unkind at a vulnerable time.

It's interesting with LW. He had asked me to send him daily a description of my clothes. He likes that I am dressing thinking of him. It is arousing. I start to feel sexy and even walk a little more sexily. It contributed to my high. The low descends as the contact with him does not keep my excitement going. I am writing these things all sexually heightened without any return from him. I exaggerate because he has acknowledged me during the week. I think that's thoughtful.
I feel a little crude by continuing to write. I asked him to let me know if I should stop. He sent me a little carrot yesterday saying that he had masturbated over me. How thrilling! And then I think about it and think why is that thrilling, a man masturbating thinking of me. Ha ha. What exactly is this sex stuff all about. It's so compelling. Am I an addict? Or is this normal?
If there are consequence and I still don't stop then surely that's when the problem should be noticed. There have been consequences. I've become so obsessed there have been times when I harm myself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. I have put myself in risky situations, i.e. unsafe sex, multiple partners and feeling disgusted with myself - is it against my principles or is it because others have different principles.
I am carrying on with the request but I am not sure how long I will continue. Is it a test? He said he likes to tease. Would he tease so much to see how far he can push me. He said he likes to push to a persons limits. This too can at times feel really sexy, like he's controlling me but is he really or is that all in my imagination. We talked about the M/s roles. He likes to be in charge and it was him that sussed out the roles I might enjoy but I don't want to return to that. I like someone being in charge.
But of course I am realising he's created the precedent but it's me who's doing it. After all what he can he actually do. I'm here, he's there. He talks about wanting to spank me. Oh blah blah blah. So I've created this scenario that actually is not necessarily real.
I also have the laughable fantasy that somehow this will escalate. Because of course I have an ideal in my head of who he is. As I did G. I saw glimpses of it and overlooked all the things that weren't actually what I wanted. I would disregard so much if there is actually the person I am looking for within the enfolds of garbage. But that's not how it works. The layers give an indication of how the whole person is when the layers come together.
I am glad though to have principles. Sad that I don't always live up to them!

So here I am avoiding starting the studying. I have an opportunity to read ahead and get the final TMA done - although it seems the last TMA doesn't count towards the overall score. So what is the point? Anyway it has to be done. And then I could catch up on a bit of the reading I haven't done. What am I doing???? Sitting here watching You Tube music so that I can send the links to LW and look cultural, exciting, diverse. I seem to think because I'm attracted to that sort of thing it'll make me attractive.
And then watching episodes of In Treatment. Interesting as it is - truly. I am getting insight into me as a therapist, into me and my issues.
Perhaps I'll allow this morning off to rest and come down after a busy week in the therapy world. People relapsing - it's shit. But it's the complexity of this thing called addiction if that's what it is.
I met with AH. He is so aware and yet so not. He talks about his life with clarity but then utter confusion as well. It's good to work with him.
This is a client I really like. He is thinking about risk assessing every situation to help decide whether he takes a particular action or not. Sensible. And the agreement is that if he finds he cannot stick with his decision he may need some further assistance.
He just lacks connectedness. He has so much loving to give but it's sort of free floating wating for a place to land and be picked up by someone. Where he thought it had been picked up it's being squeezed out of him and he's left almost lifeless in that situation. He's an entrepreneur but without that final umph. He'd describe it as that extra special something that launches one about the glass ceiling. He's a grafter though and prides himself on his way with people.
I like working with him. He's not too proud to ask for help and really really wants something different. He will get it purely because he is somewhat willing.
It's nice to work with someone so fresh and inquisitve about himself.

Good for him.

Okay a friend has called - second week in a rwo. Out of the blue and is local. So we are going to meet for a cuppa and a walk. I really should tidy - these are like little hints that I could tidy and then people coulkd just be free to call around whenever they want. Part of my demotivation is the effect of the moths! I loathe them and their devastation so why bother tidying up. It can never look perfect. I want wooden floors now - get clinical looking. And no possesssions.

So extreme - bless me.
There is an HP, I see it through my friends. :)

Bliss
XX






 

The judderman is back

.... this morning at 4 am I was woken by a call - blocked number (which G had been doing with his phone) and no one spoke. I feel pretty certain it was him. He has very disturbed sleep - terrible dreams in the early hours - so I hope he's not going to have a period of making calls to disturb me.

It may not have been him of course.

I really pray for his hurt to heal.

I feel dreadful for being any part of hurting him at all. I have no regrets about this time with George apart from there being any hurt. It happens though. "Adventuring" brings the full array of joy, fear, anger, plus hurt and sadness. I would rather have had my experiences than not I think. I say this now in hindsight and with the knowledge i have today. But in the pain of course I don't want it. I don't just mean this time with G, I mean every time with everything. Including all the stuff with my dad. I'd still rather not have been on the receiving end of sexual abuse in all it's shapes and forms with my dad and indeed through my adult life too. BUT I can better live with these memories and impacts today I think. I am changing and improving. And for this I am truly grateful.

Do you know? I do feel regret when I look back and see the men I have allowed into my life. Not all. I've been out with many men who I have truly fancied. But in the same progressive manner with other obsessions, I have allowed men into my life that I really have not fancied at all. JH was one of them. My dealer. Oh my god if you had met him. I was repulsed by him but you know what - drugged of course - the paranoia that he was seeing someone else - baffling. Of course he was, like me women were hooked in with the drugs. Shit I feel the shame of wanting these men. And indicative of my self-worth they just have to pay that little bit extra attention. Just clawing at anyone who shows even a crumb of love. It's so sad that anyone should not feel worthy enough ....

It's so compelling that at times I really don't know I can have what I want.

But each time I learn a little more. What is incredible is that I am perfectly okay on my own. I like people and enjoy sharing experiences with people. But to be home on my own is so easy and relaxing. From a child that has never been the case. I spent so much time alone as a child. From a little girl I would return home from school and be alone. I made up people and played make believe games. There was always silence in the house apart from in my head. I think that's why I liked music so much but when my dad came home music had to be switched off. Yet when he wanted music we had no choice. My mum liked classical music and especially the arias, my dad never ever let her listen to it. She like the Beatles too and had loads of records but she was never allowed to listen to them. Instead we had to listen to music he liked if we had the radio on.

I feel quite sick thinking of this but I once bought a record called Lying in the Arms of Mary. (Now I've listened to it and its dreary ha ha ha). The song carries a bit of me with it forever. However I want to continue to unlock the binding chains.

I really loved this record. When I bought it one night my mum was away on a trip. My dad and I sat in the dark listening to it over and over and over and over again. He let me keep putting it on. I never normally was allowed to play my records on the stereo I had to play it on the old fashioned portable in my bedroom. God how old I am as for ages they were the only record players ha ha ha ha . I wish I still had it and all my records. As usual I got rid of them in one of my many geographicals.

Whenever I think of that evening I cringe to the very core. Sometimes feel much that memory can be worse than some of the physical things that happened. Isn't that bizarre. The physical things are so obvious and wrong but things like that are much creepier and more evil and more sinister.

It's etched deeply in my memory. We weren't even sitting next to each other (thank goodness) but I have this impending feeling that he will get up and move closer. Ugh - judders from the inside out and one of those forever waiting moments that I can't get away from as if I'm locked into that seat waiting forever.

It's been a big thing in my psyche from then and this is the first time I've ever written about it. I shan't of course send this email. And now know I need to talk to someone about this. It has to be someone very safe. And that person is SC. I think I will email him.

 

But then step in LW. This flirtatious contretemps has been fun but I know it's a distraction from feeling the feelings. There is one difference, he is very fanciable to look at and by the sounds of it lives a way more in tune with my own, i.e. working and earning. G was very different in this way, preferring not to work and making doing with little money. Of course I immediately have fantasies and he talks of just arriving. He is very naughty and I've gone along with it. I have fantasy as hopes but not really that disillusioned. I will just go along with it but terrified of course of the insecurity setting in as attachment grows. How can I stay detached? God help me.

 Bliss